The official candy bar power rankings
It's June, which means that we have the longest day of the year to look forward to this month. And after that, it's all downhill until we descend into complete darkness. You may occasionally wonder, what's it all for? Is it possible to truly attain intimacy with another person given the loneliness of our individual bodies? Will we ever be able to stop looking at Instagram no matter how many Screen Time limits we put on our phones?
At times like this, all you can do is try your best, and eat a lot of candy. Fortunately, I'm here with the unassailable, infallibly factual and 100% correct L.A. Times Candy Bar Power Rankings. I have judged every candy bar in known existence (with the exception of ones I deemed unworthy or could not find at CVS, or both) and ranked them by the metrics of 1) taste and 2) attractiveness of the wrapper.
1) Take 5
Shut it down. We've got a winner. We already loved Dave Brubeck's "Take Five," the jazz piece in 5/4 time that is really, really hard to whistle. We've now got the unrelated Take 5 candy bar, which manages to crack the candy bar code with the addition of pretzel.
Pretzels! Of course! The simple, modest pretzel does so much by adding salt and texture, two essential components to a great candy bar. The rest of the bar combines seemingly every other good thing you find in other bars: chocolate, caramel, peanut butter and peanuts. It's an unbeatable combination.
Wrapper ranking: 24
2) Butterfinger
Remember the good old days when our favorite TV shows used to sell out? Not the sneaky sponsored content of today but, like, very obviously, shamelessly sell out? Bart Simpson shilling for Butterfinger created some pretty good commercials back
