ASH WEDNESDAY

I’m on the treadmill today becauseI promised God that I wouldand on the television, in Florida,an indeterminate number of deathsat a large public high school andI think large enough to run a statisticalanalysis without compromising the normalcondition, the independence condition,the random condition, and what kind of curve wouldwe use to estimate if we could estimateon average the number of people whonever leave school like I leave schooleach day feeling the sun as if for the firsttime outside air like being resurrectedexcept not resurrected because that’sinsensitive or not Catholic like whatmy brother’s Catholic school is turninghim into. Today with the cross of ashes onhis forehead that he wiped off in homeroomto make a girl laugh like isn’t all this forcedsalvation so funny and like totally embarrassingand I am mad at him like I can be mad at himfor hating the faith I can never fully engageor leave or quit that nags at me like a bad habitlike how I have never been able to understandany other religion; I don’t understand pilgrimagesor empty churches and I can only understand reincarnationas angels in a revolving door. On the screen nextto the helicopter scene of students running outof a school in Florida, ESPN is debating whether or notLeBron James will ever be a better player thanMichael Jordan and I think yes because onceat a poorly attended Nuggets game I sat courtsideand watched LeBron James dunk 7 timesin a row, how he dove and dodged and pump fakedlike it was nothing, no sweat about it, just purejust easy, like the basketball coaches that taught mycousin told him to play eaaaasyyy, like the rememberedmotions of greatness, how muscle memory takes overlike the muscle memory of fear, the sound is offbut I can see CNN B-roll of a 14-year-old boytelling his dad that he just wants to go homethat he just wants to go home go home go home.And cut to: the special educationteacher who has to tell her studentspromise me you will keep your handsover your head and not over your earsI know it’s too loud I know it is but ifyour hands are not up how willthey know you are innocent howwill they know and the sound is offbut I know the sound a school makeswhen it is surprised at its own fearthe shocking, metal trill of it, the drowningpurple heat of it, how my shoulderscontract each drill remembering beinglocked in a closet with my swim coachwhen the secretary came over the announcementsand said active shooter said active shooteragainst all protocol active active activehow swat came and knocked on the doorand we were afraid to answer knockedon doors with no caller id swim coachtelling me to hide behind the boilerbut I can’t hear him or him or anyoneand that is the sound the silent tv ismaking in the middle of Montclairrecreation center while Michael Jordanbeats LeBron James 4 expert opinions to oneand look, I remember the exact outfit I wore onthis day 7 years agoI know the exact configurationof desks from my 5th grade class and thespecific smell of cinnamon that Haley’shouse has and the exactly one night of perfect gloryI had at soccer in the 8th grade,Jayden says it is so coolthat I have a photographic memorythat when I quote from our textbookit looks like I am reading it right fromthe air in front of us but I have topretend that I don’t remember every terriblething I have ever heard like I just want to gohome, home, home, home, how they reported the specialeducation teacher from a large publicschool in Florida had to tell her studentsover and over, please, I know it is loudbut you can’t cover your ears because yourhands need to be straight up, straight up, howelse will they know who is innocent howelse will they know. When me and the swimcoach, when me and Dave, were in a closet thatdoesn’t lock and the shooter was active, we weregetting texts from the outside looking in and finallyfinally when we got to leave Dave’s son was atthe door right behind the cops and Dave laughedand said that this kind of thing happens all of thetime and the news report later that night said thatthe gun was plastic, and then another report saidit was real, and it doesn’t really matter becausethe voice said and CNN is unsure howmany people died but Anderson Cooper is willingto tell the democratic thisiswhygunsshouldbebannedsenator that the death count is at least at least at leastand today on the treadmill I am running because I promisedGod that I would and I am running 3 miles today becausewho knows when you might need to run, the republicanthisiswhymorepeopleneedguns senator says if onlythey had all been armed, could shoot out that loudsiren, could shoot out the remembering ofthe other kids who were half-bored in math classwhen the whole world changed, who were ditching class,having lunch, listening to music, showing up to swimpractice early for once, when the announcer, when thenewscaster said active shooter and the Americanliving room gave half their attention and everyonebecame religious. see, I can’t shake Catholicism,I don’t want to either. My priest said that even ifwe are wrong and God is some other fantastical deity,even if we are all wrong, there is a God, and whoever itis probably appreciates the effort. There areno atheists locked in supply closets in largepublic schools in Florida when a former studentcomes in and massacres. Anderson Cooper says wehave to be careful with the word massacre, that thereare certain requirements to a massacre and Anderson Coopersays that there can not be an accurate death count untilthey search the closets. Like French farmers whostill unearth bodies from World War Two weare still looking for all the hiddenmasses. 2000 prayers hitting the ceilingall at once, angels moving throughrevolving doors, channel flipped to thenext crisis, only the imagined sound of peoplefalling one by one and. This kind of thingI remember him sayinghappens all the time.all the time.