Debora Lidov
AFTER TRUMP
“Nobody knows the system better than me.”
We talk most days, but today he sounds far worsethan he’s sounded since they died.I think he should call our old shrink. I say:“Call me back after youHe hangs up, waits ten minutes, calls back.“I did it,” he lies, “but her servicesays she’s away. What do I do?”“I don’t know,” I sigh, “shall I take you in?”By in, I mean to the ER. “Will they talk to me?”he brightens, “Give me emergency talk?”“If you’re planning to die,they’ll drug and admit you. Are you?”I ask, pretending to assess him.“No,” he answers, deflated, dropping away.“No gun?” I tease. “No pills?Oh,” I say, “do you hear voices?Other than your newly dead parents,your whirling-dead, barely dead parents—are there voices?” I’m crueland cruelty helps. He’s becoming himself:he hear voices,but he he heard voices. “Blakeheard voices,” he whines. “Don’t start,”I snap, “don’t ever romanticize psychosis.”The more we bicker,the more he’s here and the more I’m there.“Here’s what you’ll do,” I resume.He can hear me lean back.He can feel the wheels of my office chair glide and halt.“When we get off the phone, you’ll countback from a number you like.When we get off the phone, you’ll focuson breathing; as you breathe and count back,a ball of light will glow and grow inside.”From the length of his sigh, I know he’s started to smile.He can tell I can tell from the pulse of my pause.“When we get off the phone,you’ll breathe with the beating light,and next you’ll imagine—with your —a walk of your choosing, to a place,you’ll pick an —a forest, a beach, a boat in the ocean, a porch.An animal will enter … a spirit animal?… an animal spirit?” I ask, feigning confusion,when I know I know everything,when I know he knows I do.“When I was a kid, I had three creaturesof my own to consult—a crow, a deer, a bear.Crow gave solid advice.Deer and bear modeled attitudes.”I giggle; he meets my giggle.“An attitude!” he says. “An attitude,that’s what I need.” “No, you don’tknow what you need,” I tell him, sweetlysnapping, softly snapping, sweetly, sharply. I tell himonly his animals know what he needs.But I’m lying. He knows I’m lying, knows to believewhatever else I say. The seas are rising,the animals are drowning, and only Iknow what he needs.
