ALL THE THINGS I HAVE NEVER DONE…
HAVING RECENTLY NOTCHED UP MY threescore years and ten, and now that the awfulness of 2020 is finally behind us (O sunlit uplands, where art thou?) I thought the time might be overripe for me to take stock of all the things I have actually done during all these years on earth. Achievements. Realisation of grand ambitions — plans fulfilled, activities explored, experiences undergone. Jotting all these down on the back of the proverbial fag packet took no time at all, and although this was followed by a considerable age to further pummel my brain for fresh recollection, the list was remaining stubbornly and embarrassingly sparse. Pretty sobering, really.
So I thought a new tack was called for, and — ever resourceful — I turned my mind instead to everything I have never done at all, either through lack of desire, bravery, determination, ability and even, on occasion, principle. And oh Lord — now inspiration was coming thick and fast: I could have filled a book.
So now I know the truth: all those years have been crammed with not doing practically everything you can think of. My life, evidently, is no rich tapestry — the thing is threadbare, let’s face it: a bedraggled hanging that is shot through with holes. You could even regard this essay as the throwing down of a gauntlet, should you be so inclined to pick it up — and here is the challenge: I bet I haven’t done more things than you haven’t done.
it transpires that most of the glaring gaps in my curriculum vitae do not simply form a series of unrealised whims, but are actually quite hardcore: the sort of stuff that most people have done and continue to do quite without thinking, and just all of the time. Like driving a
