LeTtErbocKs

STAR LETTER

□ DOES ANYONE know what electric eels were called before electricity was discovered? I’d google it myself, but I’m in prison on a terrorism charge after calling Priti Patel “Vinegar Tits” on Twitter.

Leo Stitch, Belmarsh

□ I WAS at the Clifton Rocks Railway in Bristol today, and their leaflet goes on about celebrity visits from John Craven, Michael Portillo and Peter Davey in the past. A 1970s children’s news presenter, a former Tory MP who lost a safe seat, and somebody I’ve never heard of are such modest visitors to boast about that I felt rather sorry for them. I wonder if there are any better stars who could lend their weight to this tourist attraction.

Huber Dentrisangle, Hull

* Well, let’s hope so, Mr Dentrisangle. Are you a higher quality celebrity than those mentioned? ie. Are you any kind of celebrity at all? If so, have you ever visited – or do you plan on visiting – the Clifton Rocks Railway in Bristol? Write in with your endorsement of this attraction and we’ll pass it on.

□ CYCLISTS can practise on an exercise bike, rowers can practise on a rowing machine, and even tennis players can practise on a swingball. But there’s nothing for us dart players. We have to practise on an actual dart board.

D Williams, Donegal

□ ON THE Letterbocks page of issue 308, P Muzik mentioned a top hat in his correspondence, yet underneath it there was a picture of a bowler hat. What a bunch of useless, cretinous morons you were, I thought, until I read the next letter from TC Rusling, who made reference to Laurel and Hardy. You win THIS round, Viz.

Alex Stokoe, Newcastle upon Tyne.

□ I’M SICK of baldies shaving their heads and strutting round pretending they are hard as fuck, like some Jason Statham character. If they really were hard, they would grow a ridiculous combover, or wear a wig and fight anyone who laughed at them in the pub.

Tubby Tanks, Oundle

□ cheek of these Italians, expecting