“Our natural urge to want to fix things can sometimes lead to platitudes”
‘I’m so glad everything’s going so well,’ a friend said, right after I’d completed eight months of chemotherapy and radiotherapy for breast cancer. Years later, a few weeks after my sister died, another friend said, ‘She was meant to go when she did.’
Both comments were well-intended, but left me feeling alienated. Because in the aftermath of cancer treatment, I was scared and low. And my younger sister was meant to be by my side forever, not die at 45. What I yearned for, in both instances, was to be asked how I was.
Julia Samuel, a psychotherapist and author of (Penguin, £10.99), explains how our natural urge to want to fix things can lead to platitudes, for example, saying, ‘I’m sure you’ll be able to have another child,’ to a be fixed. And what people need most is compassion. By saying, “Tell me how you feel,” you give them space to express themselves, should they wish to. And simply being with someone and listening, with both your heart and mind, is one of the most powerful – and underrated – aspects of communication.’
