Through the Darkness

By Anita Kuparinen

When Johanna Holt loses her parents in a tragic car accident, she is devastated. During the dark days after their death, Johanna doesn't know how she can go on, but soon she finds the light of faith breaking through the darkness in her heart. As her faith grows, so does her relationship with God.

When circumstances bring two very different young men into her life, she finds her new faith being tested more than she ever imagined. Should she be with Jeff, the handsome young doctor? Or should she be with Dray, the kind young architect? Or should she not be with either one? Will God show her the answer?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Anita Kuparinen
• Release date: Apr 10, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476440187

Anita Kuparinen

Anita lives and works as a secretary in Toronto, Canada. She is currently working on her second book. Besides her writing, her relationships with her family, friends and church are very important to her. However, her relationship with God is the most important. Anita is also a musical person, and enjoys singing and playing the clarinet, but writing is her real passion. Please feel free to contact her at: [e-mail]

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THROUGH THE DARKNESS

By

Anita Kuparinen

SMASHWORDS EDITION

* * * * *

PUBLISHED BY:

Anita Kuparinen on Smashwords

Through the Darkness

Copyright © 2012 by Anita Kuparinen

Your support and respect for the property of this author is appreciated.

This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the author’s imagination and used fictitiously.

Chapter 1

How could this happen? 19-year-old Johanna Holt asked herself as she pushed back strands of blonde hair that hung loose from her ponytail. She was at home studying this evening in January of 2001, for a big Psychology exam, when the knock came that would change her entire life. Now, she sat at the kitchen table and tears came to her eyes as her mind went back to a few hours ago, when her parents left for dinner and a movie.

Joey, dear, Marja Holt called up the stairs. Are you sure you don’t want to come with us? A slight accent belied her heritage. When she said Joey, it came out sounding more like Joy. She did not share the accent with her daughter, but the blond hair and green eyes looked almost identical. Marja immigrated to Canada more than 20 years earlier from Finland.

Johanna lay on her bed, books and papers strewn all around her small but comfortable room. No thanks, mom, she called through the bedroom door. I have to study.

Okay honey, came her father’s voice now. Come down and give us a kiss before we go.

Sighing, Johanna lifted herself off the bed, and obediently trotted down the stairs to do as bidden. Her parents stood at the bottom of the staircase, with their coats on. They both smiled at their daughter as she came down.

’Bye Dad. ‘Bye Mom. Both parents kissed Johanna, and Johanna kissed each of them on the cheek in turn. See you when you get back. She wanted to get back to her books, but stayed watching her parents through the open front door. It struck Johanna that they made a stunning couple; Her father with his chiseled features and sandy brown hair, and her mother with her creamy skin, and blonde hair. Enjoy the movie! Johanna called, waving as they drove off to the movie theatre, just a few kilometers away. When the car turned the corner, Johanna closed the door, and went back to her room, and her books.

Little did Johanna know it would be the last time she would see her parents. On their way home, a little boy ran out into the street in front of an 18-wheel truck. Swerving to miss the little boy, the driver of the truck hit Tim and Marja Holt’s car head-on, killing them instantly.

Officer Carl O’Brien arrived first at the scene. What a mess. The car could barely even be recognized as a car. It was little more than a heap of scrap metal. There would be no charges laid in this accident, but the truck driver was devastated. Carl tried to reassure the driver, but he was almost inconsolable. Carl also had to perform the most unpleasant task of calling on the daughter of the couple. His feet felt like huge blocks of concrete as he walked up to the front door of the East Toronto home where she lived. He took his hat off his head and knocked. It took a couple of minutes before a young, questioning face appeared in the window. He showed his badge, and Johanna opened the door.

Yes? Johanna’s eyes filled with concern.

May I come in? Carl asked. She stepped aside to let him enter. He stepped through the door, a serious expression on his face. I’m Officer Carl O’Brien. May I talk to you for a moment? He squeezed his hat as he held it in his hands. He was at a loss for words, and stood just looking around the simply furnished but cozy living room for a few seconds.

Of course. Come in. By now, Johanna’s heart was thumping in her chest. She had no idea what was going on, but she led him into the kitchen, where she had just finished tidying up a few minutes before. She pulled out a chair for him.

Are you Johanna Holt? Daughter of Tim and Marja Holt? Carl seated himself as he spoke. He hated doing this sort of thing. He would never get used to these kinds of calls on the families of loved ones who had perished.

Yes, Johanna responded, barely above a whisper. Somehow she knew that what she was about to hear was not going to be good news. She collapsed into an empty chair beside her.

I am sorry to tell you this, but there has been an accident. Your parents were killed in a car crash a little while ago. Carl looked at a spot on the floor. He couldn’t bear to see the pain in her eyes when the reality of his words hit.

No! There must be some mistake. Johanna got up and backed away from him, as though he had physically hit her. They just went to the movies. They should be home any time. Johanna didn’t know what else to do, so she stood there, frozen to the spot where she was standing, looking somewhat like a trapped, injured animal, ready to flee at the least provocation.

Carl spoke softly. I’m very sorry. I know this is a shock, but I do need you to come with me to the morgue to identify the bodies.

Johanna shook her head, eyes wild. She couldn’t do that. How could she possibly do what he was asking of her? She collapsed back into the chair, burying her face in her hands, looking utterly defeated.

I’m sorry, Carl said again.

Is there someone I should call? He asked awkwardly some time later, not knowing what else to say. He lowered his large frame into a chair next to Johanna, taking his hand from her shoulder, and gently touching her hand. I know this is hard. Is there someone who could come and stay with you? He pulled out a pad of paper and a pen, so he could write down the information that she gave him. The cop in him was taking over again.

Johanna found a tissue and blew her nose. Uh - She cleared her throat. My Aunt Jen.

Jen Milton was just putting away the last of the dishes she was washing when the phone rang. It was pretty late for someone to be calling, but she didn’t really think anything of it. Sometimes her sister-in-law Marja called just to chat when she knew that Jen would have time to talk. Jen’s life was so busy with her twin girls, and all the activities they were involved in that her days were very, very full. It was usually only later at night that she had any time to herself. She smiled as she answered the phone, fully expecting to hear Marja‘s voice on the other end of the line. Instead, it was a male voice that greeted her solemnly. The officer on the other end of the line introduced himself as Carl O’Brien, and said that he was with her niece Johanna, and that Jen’s brother Tim and his wife Marja had been killed in a car accident. He asked if she could come to the house.

I’ll be there in about 20 minutes, she answered quietly.

When she hung up the phone, something like an electric shock went through her. She couldn’t believe what she had just heard. Tim and Marja. Gone. Just like that. It was unthinkable. She didn’t have time to process everything right now, though. She had to go to Johanna. She went to find her husband Hugh, to tell him what had happened. Hugh was in shock at the news, and a few tears trickled down his cheeks. He held his wife in his arms for a while, until she pulled away, so she could get ready to go. Jen’s face was wet with tears, but she controlled her emotions for Johanna’s sake. She couldn’t comfort her niece if she was a basket case herself. It took just a few more minutes for her to gather her purse, coat and car keys, and run out the front door, almost at a sprint.

Carl came back into the kitchen to rejoin Johanna just a couple of minutes after he had left her. Your aunt is on her way. She’ll be here in just a little while. He seated himself next to Johanna again. This was the one part of his job that he hated. If it wasn’t for his faith, he didn’t think he could face these kinds of days. Silently, he prayed to God to give him the strength and wisdom to help this young woman. He prayed too that God would give her the strength that she needed to get through this ordeal, and that she could somehow see that God was with her even now.

Johanna sat unmoving in the chair in the kitchen, still unable to believe what had transpired. How could this happen? She asked again. These kinds of things just didn’t happen. Not to her. Not to anyone she knew. Suddenly, the emotional turmoil of the evening caught up with her. She was tired, so very tired. She laid her head on the table for a moment. Knock. Knock. Someone was pounding her head with a hammer. Knock. Knock. Johanna lifted her head from the table, and realized that the knocking was coming from the front door. Mom and dad must be back from the movie, she thought, then realized with a fresh, sharp pain, that this was not the case. She went to open the door, knowing that it would be her Aunt Jen, forgetting about the policeman who was quietly sitting in a chair in a corner of the kitchen.

Joey, Jen Milton said through her tears, as she walked in and took her niece into her arms. She used the nickname that the family had used for Johanna ever since she was a little girl. Everyone called Johanna ‘Joey‘. In fact, she didn’t really like being called anything else. I’m so sorry, dear. So sorry. They both cried for what seemed like hours. Their tears mingled as they clung to each other in the middle of the living room.

It was a little while before Jen noticed the officer standing off to the side, trying to be inconspicuous.

Oh, hello, Jen choked out. I’m Joey’s aunt, Jen Milton. She left Johanna to walk over to Carl, and shook his hand.

I’m so sorry for your loss, he said sincerely.

Thank you, Jen replied, tears welling up again. She cleared her throat. Um, what happens now? What do we need to do?

We need to go to the morgue to identify the bodies, he answered, waiting for her reaction, but not wanting to see it.

Jen gasped.

I’m sorry, Carl said again. He paused a moment. It would be best if we went as soon as possible.

Jen nodded. Yes, of course. Can you give us a few minutes? We’ll meet you outside.

The officer nodded and turned, leaving without another word.

Inside the cruiser, it was eerily silent. None of them made a single sound for the whole fifteen-minute ride. Johanna and Jen numbly followed the officer into the hospital building that held the morgue. Before long, they were standing outside a room with large windows covered with Venetian blinds. Carl turned to the women, and spoke for the first time since leaving Johanna’s home.

Are you ready?

Johanna just stared at him. Of course she wasn’t ready. How could anyone ever be ready to do what she was about to do? Johanna bit her lip. She took a breath and steeled herself, then nodded almost imperceptibly. Carl looked at Jen. When she nodded, he opened the door, and they entered the room. On two separate examination tables lay two figures, each covered with a sheet. Johanna could hardly stand the effort it took to put one foot in front of the other. Somehow, she made it to the tables, and the officer pulled back the sheet covering one of the bodies. Johanna gasped when she saw her mother, only it didn’t look like her mother. It looked like a plastic doll, all white and stiff, and unmoving. Her once beautiful blonde hair was now caked with blood and dirt.

Please, cover her! Johanna cried, covering her eyes with her hands. She couldn’t look at the figure on the table any longer. She sank to the floor and shook with sobs for some minutes before she began to calm down. Jen knelt down and put an arm around her niece. When Johanna stood up again, Carl moved over to the other table. He gave Johanna a few more moments and then looked at her. She bit her lip and nodded again. Carl uncovered her father’s face.

Stop! Johanna shrieked. She turned away from the examination tables, and was about to run out of the room. Suddenly, everything started to spin, the room grew darker and Johanna felt her legs giving way beneath her. Then, she felt strong arms catch her and carry her out of the room, and set her gently on a red vinyl couch that sat along a wall.

Jen sat next to her and put an arm around her shoulder. Johanna turned and buried her face in her aunt’s chest, sobbing uncontrollably. For a long time, Jen just let her cry, whispering soothing words into her ear. Finally, the sobs began to slow again. Carl stood over them. He hated to continue this torture, but he had to ask her. Are those your parents, Johanna?

Yes, she answered so quietly, that he almost didn’t even hear her.

Will you ladies be okay, if I leave you here for a few minutes? I need to go take care of some paperwork. Carl hated to leave them alone, but he did have to complete some forms before they could leave. Johanna nodded her reply. The room wasn’t spinning around her any more, like it was a few moments ago. In fact, at that moment she couldn’t have moved had she wanted to. She was utterly devoid of any feeling or emotion, almost as though all energy had suddenly drained out through her feet.

Carl nodded, and disappeared for a few minutes, leaving Johanna and Jen alone. When he came back, he brought two cups of coffee with him.

Here, he said, handing one to each of the women.

Johanna took the offered cup, but just held it in her hands, staring into the depths of the white styrofoam. She took a sip of the coffee. It was awful. She made a face, shuddered, and put the cup down on a table in front of the couch.

Carl looked at the young woman sympathetically. He just needed her signature on the forms, and then they could leave. Would you like me to take you home now? He asked after she handed the clipboard with forms back to him. Joanna nodded. Just let me bring these back to the desk, he continued. I’ll just be a moment.

When Carl returned, Johanna got up from the couch and followed him, not saying a word. Jen walked beside her, close enough to catch her if she got dizzy again. Outside it had turned bitterly cold. Johanna pulled her coat tighter around herself as she followed Carl with mechanical movements, managing to somehow get herself into the car. He closed the door, and Johanna stared, unseeing, through the window as they left the parking lot. She was still completely numbed by the news the officer had brought her, and what she had just seen. No! Those couldn’t have been her parents! This was some kind of joke that someone was playing on her. That was it! It was all a joke. Wasn’t it?

The ride back to Johanna’s home was just as silent as the first trip a little over an hour before, but soon, Johanna was back in her kitchen, sitting at the table. She sank into a chair, looking very pale. Her tear-filled eyes were not focusing on anything in particular. Still, none of the occupants of the room had spoken a word. Then, Johanna saw a plate of cookies on the table. Peanut butter chocolate chip. Johanna’s favourite. That was when the tears began to flow once again. My mom, she sobbed. She baked these today. She folded her arms on the table and buried her face in them, shaking violently.

There was no sound except for her sobs. Carl stood there for several minutes, wondering what he should do. He decided to just wait and see if there was anything that the two women needed.

Is there anything else I can do for you? He asked gently. When Johanna and Jen both shook their heads, he wrote down his badge number and his name and phone number on a piece of paper. He left shortly thereafter, his heart heavy. He started praying again as he got into his cruiser for the distraught young woman he had just left.

We should get some sleep, Jen Milton said softly, a little while later. The two women walked up the stairs. At the door to Johanna’s bedroom, Jen turned to her niece and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight. Just shout if you need me.

Chapter 2

Johanna was standing in the middle of the road. In front of her, her parents were walking hand in hand, talking quietly. Johanna couldn’t hear what they were saying, but she could see that her dad had just said something very amusing to her mother. Her mother was laughing. It sounded beautiful, almost musical, like bells. Then she saw the headlights coming towards them. She tried to move, to get out of the way, but she couldn’t.

The headlights kept coming closer, and Johanna tried to yell to her parents to get out of the way, but they didn’t seem to hear her. Why were they just standing there? Why couldn’t they hear her? She called out to them again. Still they kept walking. The headlights were almost upon them. Johanna bolted upright in her bed and screamed, waking up in a cold sweat.

Jen woke up when she heard the scream coming from Johanna’s room, and rushed upstairs.

Are you okay, Joey? What happened?

I had a bad dream, Johanna whispered, gasping for air.

What was the dream about? Jen asked. Johanna looked at her, shaking her head. She didn’t want to talk about it. Jen nodded her head in understanding, and offered to get a glass of water. Johanna refused that as well, so she bent over her niece, and tucked her in like a little girl. Would you like me to sit with you for a while? Jen asked.

Johanna shook her head again. No, thanks. I think I’ll be okay. That was a big, fat lie. She would never be okay again. Ever. She wiped a stray tear away, and lay back down. Jen got up to leave the room and turned around one last time to look at Johanna. Johanna already had her back towards her, and was facing the wall.

Well, I’ll be right downstairs if you need me.

All right.

Aunt Jen? a soft voice said some time later. Jen opened her eyes, and saw Johanna standing next to her. In her long flannel nightgown, she reminded Jen of Joey, the little girl of the birthday parties and family celebrations years ago.

Jen yawned. Joey, are you okay?

No. The single word sounded almost like the cry of a wounded animal. In fact, Johanna looked like she was in physical pain.

Come here, Jen beckoned her niece. She sat up and patted the couch. Johanna sat next to her, leaning her head on her aunt’s shoulder.

Johanna’s eyes filled with tears. Again. It felt like she had been crying forever. Why? was all she could say before breaking down into sobs that shook her entire body. Jen began to cry as well, and put an arm around her niece’s shoulders. She stroked the soft, blonde, shoulder length hair, and just held her beloved brother’s little girl until they both fell asleep there on the couch in the living room.

Eventually, morning came, but it was gray and overcast, so it was still quite dark when they woke up, at almost the same moment.

How about some coffee? Jen asked the still sleepy figure sitting on