Escaping the Snare of Pornography Addiction

By Joe Klock

1:18AM. You can't sleep. You leave your wife in bed, slip on your robe, and wander the house. Deep in your heart and mind, you know what you're looking for, but you deny it and tell yourself that maybe you just need a snack or maybe you'll watch a little TV. You walk by your computer, probably in some secluded place, and you stop in your tracks. Your heart begins to race. And inside your head, you are split right down the middle. A part of you is screaming "You can't do this again!" and another part is whispering "Go for it, it feels so good, and you know you will anyway." The websites you know and the images burned into your head beckon you with a strange and irresistible power. Your heart now races with anticipation of the titillating, erotic and secret pleasure right there ...and free for the taking. And then...you fall to the temptation, again.

The moment after each of these liaisons is complete, you go the same feelings and actions. Immense guilt and crushing shame gradually evolve into anger and self-hatred. In a panic of remorse, your mind gores though the usual routine. You try to repent and cry out to God, you remember that you have to start counting days again, because you've just reset your 'success clock' back to zero, and you tell yourself to seek help. But in your heart you know you won't do it. It is just too embarrassing, too shameful, and absolutely too humiliating.

I understand. I have been there. For over 20 agonizing years, I was mired in that awful swamp, that prison of temptation, that cycle of defeat, that horrible snare. I know your struggle, your shame, and your deep desire to be free from the monster that holds you captive. And I also know that eradicating this habit, this addiction, this horror from your life is no easy task. My record of loss, pain, suffering, and the extended loss, pain and suffering that I inflicted on others is a searing memory that I carry every day of my life.

I spent years trying to break free from this addiction, and was finally successful. But only after huge cost, which I would like to spare you, if at all possible. The world does not need another broken marriage, another divorce, another child living in a single parent home. And I am convinced that one of the primary causes of these disasters in our world is pornography. So I would like to offer to you the ideas, techniques, processes, and changes that I adopted and used to extricate myself from this spiral into hell called pornography addiction.

In this book I have shared my personal story, described the problem, discussed the truth, identified the enemy and the enemy’s strengths and weaknesses, proposed several strategies and tactics to escape or avoid the snare, defined love, sex, and marriage, and suggested some new attitudes and attributes to adopt in your objective to lay down your life in love for your wife. As one man who has unfortunately experienced this addiction for over two decades, I want to let you know that there is hope. This addiction can be beat. You can win the war, and escape the snare, permanently, is possible. But there is no magic bullet. There is no quick-fix, secret formula, or instant cure. But if you can believe, absorb, and implement the principles in this book, I believe that you can find lasting freedom. It is up to you.

Joe Klock

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joe Klock
• Release date: Jun 11, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476143552

Joe Klock

Joe Klock is an entrepreneur and writer who lives with his wife and youngest daughter in Upstate NY. He has an MBA and has spent the bulk of his career in high-tech start-up companies. Joe is also a believer in Jesus Christ, and the importance of having a living and daily relationship with God. Joe writes about the stories and experiences that have been the framework for his life, with the hope of helping, encouraging, and entertaining his readers.

Book preview

Escaping the SNARE of Pornography Addiction

by Joe Klock

Copywrite 2014 Joe Klock

Smashwords Edition

This ebook is licensed for your personal use and enjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

I am very grateful that you’ve chosen to purchase this book. I am hopeful that you will find some tools and ideas in these pages that you can immediately apply to your life to help you escape the cycle of addiction to pornography that ensnares so many men. I do want to stress that there is no miracle cure here. There is no guarantee that this will work for you. This book is only as useful as you make it. Yes, I believe that there are some unique ideas, concepts, and approaches here, but in the end, only your own personal desire, will, and decisions will make them successful. No one besides you can take responsibility or accountability for your life, your choices, and your actions. That is up to you alone. Unfortunately, you live in dark and fallen world and temptation is everywhere, waiting to entice and ensnare you I have written this to help encourage you and to give you some strategies, tactics, and resources to use against the enemy of pornography and its temptation. I sincerely hope they are useful to you. God bless!

"Thorns and snares are in the way of the perverse; he who guards himself will stay far from them." Proverbs 22:5

The warning of the Adulteress, from Proverbs 7

"With her many persuasions, she entices him, with her flattering lips, she seduces him. Suddenly, he follows her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as one in chains to the discipline of a fool, until an arrow pierces through his liver; as a bird hastens to the snare, so he does not know, that it will cost him his life." Proverbs 7:21-27

And I discovered more bitter than death, the woman whose heart is a snare and whose hands are chains. One who is pleasing God will escape from her, but the sinner will be captured by her. Ecclesiastes 7:26

But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. And when lust has conceived, it brings forth sin, and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death. James 1:14

The temptation is always there, but without our own lust, without the desire, without the want….it is just a dead temptation. Women are certainly not the problem, pornography is not the problem, and even sin is not the problem. Our hearts are the problem. But thankfully, there is a hope and there is a solution. Permanent freedom from the addiction to viewing and using pornography is possible. You can escape the snare!

****

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

DEFINITIONS

CHAPTER 1: MY STORY

CHAPTER 2: WHAT IS THE TRUTH?

CHAPTER 3: WHY IS PORNOGRAPHY SO ALLURING, ADDICTIVE, AND HARD TO STOP?

CHAPTER 4: THE WAR WE FACE

CHAPTER 5: STRATEGIES – DEFENSIVE STRATEGIES

CHAPTER 6: STRATEGIES – OFFENSIVE STRATEGIES

CHAPTER 7: TACTICS TO WIN THE WAR

CHAPTER 8: MEN, MARRIAGE & SEX

CHAPTER 9: FINAL ENCOURAGMENT & MORE RESOURCES

EPILOGUE

RESOURCES

PORNOGRAPHY DATA & STATISTICS

****

INTRODUCTION

1:18AM. You can't sleep. You leave your wife in bed, slip on your robe, and wander the house. Deep in your heart and mind, you know what you're looking for, but you deny it and tell yourself that maybe you just need a snack or maybe you'll watch a little TV. You walk by your computer, probably in some secluded place, and you stop in your tracks. Your heart begins to race. And inside your head, you are split right down the middle. A part of you is screaming You can't do this again! and another part is whispering Go for it, it feels so good, and you know you will anyway. The websites and images burned into your head beckon you with a strange and irresistible power. Your heart now races with anticipation of the titillating, erotic and secret pleasure right there in front of you,...and free for the taking. And no one will know. No one will ever find out. And then...you fall to the temptation, again.

It's 6:30PM in the office or workplace, everyone has left for the day, and your work is done. In the quiet and solitude, your computer seems to steer itself to familiar websites and images. Again, you catch your breath with excitement. The part of you that hungers and thirsts for righteousness fights the lust within you and the powerful lure of sexual release, but it is outmatched. And again, you fall to temptation.

You're on a business trip, and the temptations of in-room movies, computer websites, and even strip clubs and massage parlors seem overwhelming to you. You promised yourself it would not happen again,....but you fall to the temptation.

Your marriage is in serious trouble. You feel lost, unloved, empty, and even resentful and angry. The warm and comforting images of another woman's beckoning eyes, enticing words, and sexy body stir a desire in you that you seemingly cannot stop. And suddenly....again you fall.

The moment after you masturbate and climax, you crash. Immense guilt and crushing shame gradually evolve into anger and self-hatred. In a panic of remorse and fear, your mind goes though the usual routine. You try to repent and cry out to God, you remember that you have to start counting days again, because you've just reset your 'success clock' back to zero. And you tell yourself to seek help. But in your heart you know you won't do it. It is just too embarrassing, too shameful, and absolutely too humiliating.

You want to just give up, but you know you can't. You develop defensive plans, but they seldom if ever work. And you live daily with a terrifying secret that could destroy your marriage, your family, your career, and your life. You suffer in silence and fear, and carry your burden alone. It is a lonely, frightening, anxiety ridden, and depressing existence. And the cycle continues.

OK, you have a serious problem. You’re addicted to pornography. You've used the Internet, magazines, DVD's and adult moves and videos. But mostly, the Internet. Maybe you've been to adult bookstores, strip clubs, or perhaps solicited a massage, private dance, or even a prostitute. But in all likelihood...you've mostly used the Internet. Because it's there, it's easy, it's free, and it's so easy to hide your tracks. But in reality, you haven't used it...you've become enslaved to it. It has used you.

And every time you do this, you feel horrible. You know it's wrong. You know it's a sin. You know that you are hurting your wife, girlfriend, children, and family. You also know that you are hurting God...and yourself. You know that you need deliverance from this addiction, and you desperately want to be clean and free from this snare forever.

But it's so incredibly difficult to stop. It seems impossible. You go a day, a week, even a month without falling. You feel better and even free....for a while. And you feel like a better man, with a little integrity and dignity. For a brief period, you feel you have no secrets. And you feel that maybe this time, you've really made it! You've escaped! You can be the man you want to be, honor your wife like she should be honored, regain your self-respect, and maybe even a little bit of confidence. Mostly you feel free from the horrible secret life that you live with most of the time, and the fear of exposure that you carry on a daily basis. And you are sincere to the bottom of your heart. You do not want to fall again...ever.

But then something hits you...maybe an image from a magazine, TV, or movie, maybe a thought, maybe a casual look at or from an attractive woman, maybe a stressful situation you are longing to escape, maybe fear, doubt, loneliness, or pain.... or any one of these,…. maybe even coupled with a few drinks.

And yet again, your heart starts racing, your pulse rate quickens, you start to sweat, and your body and mind are intoxicated with anticipation. The temptation seizes you like a snare, and you can't get away. You are compelled and captivated by the enticement of the forbidden, the adventure of the illicit passion, and the moment of ultimate pleasure. Like a detached power pushing you forward against your will...against a part of your will...you succumb to a force you cannot see, you cannot fight, and you cannot beat. You seek the pictures, images, videos your eye and body crave...and in a split second, you've fallen again.

Immediate remorse consumes you. Yet again and you are smothered in another wave of unrelenting guilt. You feel like an idiot, like a weak man, like a criminal...like a failure. And again, you cry out to God for forgiveness, and you get it, but your secret shame follows you, haunts you, and cripples you emotionally. The hard thing to believe is that God can continue to forgive you, and even more...that you can forgive yourself. You have trouble relating to your wife, your children, your friends, and your family. Why? Because you're carrying a dark and terrible secret that they do not know. No one knows. It is a secret of potentially terrible consequences, a secret of ultimate shame and complete destruction of dignity and character. You are addicted to pornography. And you know it.

I understand. I have been there. For over 20 agonizing years, I was mired in that awful swamp, that prison of temptation, that cycle of defeat, that horrible snare. I know your struggle, your shame, and your deep desire to be free from the monster that holds you captive. And I also know that eradicating this habit, this addiction, this horror from your life is no easy task. My record of loss, pain, suffering, and the extended loss, pain and suffering that I inflicted on others is a searing memory that I carry every day of my life.

I spent years trying to break free from this addiction, and was finally successful. But only after huge cost, which I would like to spare you, if at all possible. The world does not need another broken marriage, another divorce, and another child living in a single parent home. And I am convinced that one of the primary instigators of these disasters in our world is pornography. So I would like to offer to you the ideas, techniques, processes, and changes that I adopted and used to extricate myself from this spiral into hell called pornography addiction.

Pornography is abundant, easily accessible, and completely destructive, both to men and women, both to the makers and the users. It is highly addictive, rampantly increasing, and is slowly becoming more and more accepted into mainstream society every day. It is everywhere, it is cheap or free, and it is very easy to hide. And ironically, it appears to be a sin that really doesn't hurt anyone, right? But I am here to tell you that it is a plague of destruction. Millions of men in the United States including teachers, pastors, leaders, and men of honor and character are secretly caught in this snare. Sadly, you are not alone in this fight ……not by a long shot. Pornography is a scourge and a disease that is destroying marriages, families, relationships, and the foundations of trust, faithfulness, and love on a daily basis. It is a primary weapon of the enemy in a spiritual war we enter every day of our lives. And it is time to do something about it. That is the purpose of this book. Do not despair. There is hope and there is freedom.

I titled this book Escaping the Snare of Pornography Addiction and I use the word ‘snare’ liberally in these pages because I believe that it best reflects the exceedingly deceptive nature of the temptation of pornography, and because it is a biblical and understandable definition of the experience of pornography addiction. This feeling, this power, and this compulsion are indeed, a snare.

As a moral reference and compass for this book, I have used the bible. I used the bible because I am a believer in God and in Jesus Christ, and because I know of no other genuinely accepted moral guide that covers the context of this subject as well. You may or may not be a Christian and that’s your choice. In either case, I would respectfully ask you to consider and accept that the verses I have used are universally good and right, and provide a solid foundation regarding marriage and sexual relations.

DEFINITIONS

Words mean something. The general acceptance of agreed to definitions of words allow us to communicate effectively and with understanding. Therefore, it’s important that I share with you the definitions of certain words that I use repeatedly in this book. These thirteen terms and their respective definitions are as follows:

Integrity

What you do, what you think, and how you behave in secret, when no one is looking and no one knows. Having integrity means having no secrets, nothing hidden that would cause you shame, embarrassment, or tempt you to lie.

Adultery

Any emotional or sexual thought, desire, or interaction with a woman other than your wife.

Pornography

Any image of a person that has the primary purpose to express sexuality and stimulate physical arousal from the viewer. Images of partially or fully naked people, or people in various acts of sex or sexual contact.

Sex

The extremely pleasurable physical act of supreme intimacy that is conceived in the mind, expressed through body, and enjoyed through the emotions, resulting in the deepest of human bonds between a man and woman in the consummation of marriage.

Marriage

The voluntary and permanent joining of a man and a woman into a mutual and permanent promise of love, devotion, and faithfulness to each other, recognized by the government, pledged before God, and consummated through sexual relations.

Faithfulness

To keep a promise, no matter what happens, what you think, or how you feel..... without fail.

Sin

Anything you think or do that goes against your conscience or has any hint of doubt. Any act, word, or thought that breaks faith, trust, or honesty. Any act of selfish motivation that puts you above another person or hurts them. Knowing the right thing to do, and choosing not to do it. Lust of the eyes, lust of the body, & the boastful pride of life (ie.… money, sex, and power)

Dignity

To refrain from wrongdoing and as a result, to have absolutely no secrets in your life from anyone.

Temptation

The effect of anything that encourages or stimulates us to sin by appealing to our eyes, our senses, our bodies, our egos, our pride, or our own selfish desires in any manner.

Masturbation:

A physical act of self-sex and sexual self -gratification void of love, emotion, or relationship.

Love

To deliberately, willingly, and unconditionally lay down your wants, your needs, and your life for another person, continually and in perpetuity.

Pornography Addiction

The compulsion to intentionally and deliberately seek out, view, and use pornography for self-sex stimulation or gratification, when you know it is a wrong thing to do. Acting on this even once a month, once a year, once every two years or more, going against your own values and convictions, constitutes addiction.

Snare

Something deceptively attractive that entices you, captures you unaware, and places you in a seemingly hopeless habitual cycle, eventually leading to complete destruction. The SNARE of pornography.

Most of the content of these definitions come from various recognized sources including both the dictionary and the bible, but I have put them into my own words, so that you can understand clearly what I am saying in this book. Your definitions may differ, and that’s fine. But if you can basically accept these definitions, this book will be far more helpful to you.

Finally, I have I have tried to keep this book clear and succinct, limiting the amount of trivial information that is generally of little help. I hope it is mostly meat that you can learn from and apply to your life in some fashion, to help you in your private battle. And I know that battle all too well. Let me start by telling you a little about myself, and my story.

****

CHAPTER 1. MY STORY

Step 1

My story begins in February of 1979. I was twenty-four years old and working as a Process Technician for a very large multinational company in their ceramics division. I had been married about a year, and my first child had just been born. Part of my job was to formulate ceramic powders according to the instructions of the engineer, combine them with chemicals into a slurry mud-like solution, and then take them to the back of the plant where they were made into powders suitable for pressing various shapes.

A seasoned factory worker of about 60 named Tom operated the spray-drying equipment, which made the powders. Tom worked from 7:00AM until 3:30PM, so I frequently took buckets of slurries back to his area after he was gone for the day. Tom had an old, beat up desk back there, and I would deposit the container of slurry on the floor next to the spray dryer, and then place the paperwork on his desk.

While searching for a Material Drop-Off form one afternoon, I opened the lower left drawer of his desk. Lying there were a couple Playboy and Penthouse magazines. Involuntarily, I caught my breath, my nervous system went into a frenzy, my heart rate immediately doubled, and those magazines commanded my complete focus and attention. Why? It was an instant hormonal reaction to an unexpected stimulus, for which I was extremely unprepared. I had no idea of how to deal with the stimulus, no protective mental or emotional guard, no forewarning or expectation, and no experience or training concerning how to deal with this situation. So, I responded naturally, humanly, and instantly. I picked up the magazines and looked at them. And in a heartbeat, my life changed forever.

To that point in my life, I had never purchased, viewed, or even thought about pornography, but in that moment, the temptation of them was so incredibly exciting that I felt as if I could not stop myself. It was an intoxicating feeling. I reached for those tattered magazines and took my first step on the downward staircase to self-destruction. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I could never have predicted or seen the diversion in the path of my life at that moment in time, or what the end effects would be. I just knew that this was something completely exhilarating and for the first time since I had been married, I masturbated. I felt at the time, I was being drawn in to some forbidden lair by a power from which I did not have the strength to escape, and had no desire to escape. I would feel that draw, that lure, that compulsion a thousand more times in my life before I could get it under control. The monster of addiction to pornography commanded a secret portion of my life, poisoned my mind, and wounded my soul for many years to come.

Like most teenagers, I had seen a few pictures in my high school days in the late sixties, but we had been though a sexual and Cultural Revolution in the previous 15 years, and things were far more explicit than I had ever seen. Let me describe this to you in stark terms. The pictures of the women were magnificent, intoxicating, mesmerizing. All one of them were beautiful to a fault, with the naked bodies of goddesses, airbrushed and photo-shopped to perfection. But the most amazing feature was their eyes. Their eyes that said, I want you. I desire you. You are so attractive to me. Come and get me, here I am, and I am all yours. It was always the eyes of the women in the pictures that always got to me, not just the bodies of the women. The women had faces of desire and sensuality that looked straight into the camera and ultimately directly into my eyes. The lure was the fantasy of a beautiful naked woman that wanted me and me alone. Of course it was a complete lie, a total fantasy, whatever you want to call it. But the thrill, the draw, the addictive nature of this fiction captured me. I believed the lie, and fell that day for the first time.

I had been married for about a year when I found those magazines. I had a good job, a beautiful wife, a great house, even a newly born son, and life seemed pretty good for a young man of 24. I never could have imagined the series of events that would transpire over the next 12 years, and more importantly, the repercussions of those events. In 1979, I had everything going for me, and by 1991, all had been destroyed. Through each step of the way, pornography figured heavily into almost negative turn I made.

On that day, I realized that if there were magazines in Tom’s desk drawer, there were probably others in the drawers of other hourly workers in the manufacturing, warehouse, and shipping areas of the plant. So I looked for them. No, ….I hunted for them like a predator. The hourly folks went home at 3:30PM, but since I was a salaried technician, I worked till 5:00PM. So after 3:30PM I would often take time to search for magazines in other areas, many of which I was not supposed to enter. But I gathered the courage to even break into other rooms and even into secure areas, all in a quest to satisfy my sexually charged fantasy. I jeopardized my job, my reputation, and my family while I destroyed my own integrity in this obsession.

When the urge for ‘an interlude’ hit me, I would instantly change into a different person, like Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. I cannot exactly explain the transformation to you, but I believe that you probably understand this quite well. It’s not like a power took over my body, or that I was possessed or under the control of another entity. It’s like a sudden reflex or thought would trigger a desire that would immediately displace any other notion or consideration. My emotions would go into high gear, and the physical symptoms would be sweating, increased heart rate, and the nervous anticipation and excitement of entering the forbidden, of perpetrating a crime, and hoping I would not get caught. I was engaging the foreplay of sexual fantasy, but all in my mind.

In those moments, the only objective was to find some pornography and enjoy it. And the progression of the search for sources of pornography began. As I noted, I started by searching for magazines in the desks of others at the plant. But a funny thing with pornography, …..once you see a picture or a video, you rarely want to keep looking at the same image. So, you search for other images on a constant basis. And the craving for more and more images gets stronger the further you go down into this wormhole. This constant desire for more and different images is validated by the endless selection of pornographic magazines, website, movies, and videos available today. The plethora of variety wouldn’t be there unless there was a ready market and demand for it.

At some point, I mustered the courage to go into a convenience store or gas station and purchase my own glossy magazine. I recall times when I was at work in the middle of the morning, and suddenly this urge or desire would strike me, and I would transform in a heartbeat from a dedicated worker to a sexual deviant in search of his next fix. I would actually sneak out of the building, go to a store, buy a magazine, fulfill my perceived need, and then go back to work. Looking back, I am so utterly ashamed at my history of abhorrent, selfish, and irresponsible behavior. But I was caught in a snare, a very secret snare, and I felt that I could not escape.

My march into the abyss continued. When the mood struck, I purchased magazines at various stores, always embarrassed and orchestrating the purchase when no one else was waiting in line, the store was close to empty, and the counter person was a male. Sometimes I would go to three or four stores before I could find the right conditions to make the purchase. The threat of embarrassment was always an ominous cloud hanging over me. I was constantly scared of being ‘caught’. Not necessarily by my wife, but by anyone…complete strangers who might see me buying a pornographic magazine, shake their head, and think ‘what a pervert’! It was a humiliating practice, and the very idea of what I was doing embarrassed me. Once I had finished using the magazine, I hated both myself and the periodical and covertly disposed of it. The money I stole from my family to feed my addiction was probably the equivalent of the money I would have wasted had I been a smoker or heavy drinker.

Step 2

As I noted, time progressed and I began to feel the subtle urge for more. More explicit pictures, more hardcore images, and always more variety. One day, maybe a year or two after finding that first magazine, I mustered the courage to enter into an adult bookstore. Obviously in these stores I found a huge selection of printed images and pictures, as well as something called ‘viewing booths’. This is a small closet like area that you can go into and watch snippets of pornographic videos by dropping quarters into a slot on a machine. I cannot describe to you the filth and degrading nature of this experience, not to mention the condition and atmosphere of the booths. But I was moving down the slippery slope of sin, and this was the next exciting step in that progression.

A few months after first patronizing a viewing booth, I purchased my first VHS pornographic video, hid it in my home, and watched it when the house was empty. The same house in which my wife and children lived. About the same time, I began traveling a lot for my job, and frequently found myself in hotel rooms. By the late ‘80’s, nearly every hotel room in the country had something called ‘Lodgenet’ or some similar type of video on demand (VoD) service that allowed you to order movies anytime you wanted and watch them on the TV in your hotel room. Of course, the adult movie offerings were easy and relatively inexpensive to access, and I purchased this service on many occasions. And hiding this was easy as when you checked out you could pay for this in cash, so it did not show up on your hotel bill. The various methods and practices I used to conceal this clandestine activity are probably similar to the ones you have used. Never use a credit card, as that leaves a trail in the monthly statement, always keep all materials secret and hidden, and always destroy materials, receipts, or anything else that might result in ‘getting caught’. I am sure that I have burned, thrown away, or otherwise destroyed a thousand magazines, movies, and similar types of pornographic media over the years. I would generally use it once, and then feel so horrible afterward, that I would immediately destroy it, both the get rid of the evidence and to somehow appease my aching conscience.

Let me stop here and clearly say that all of the time I was participating in this practice and buying and using pornographic materials, I knew it was wrong. I was utterly ashamed of what I was doing, and promised myself over and over and over again that ‘this would absolutely be the last time’. But I would always fall again. Sometimes after a day or even a few hours, and sometimes after weeks or months of ‘being clean’. And after each failure I would fall to my knees and pray to God for forgiveness and for strength and help to stop this horrible practice. Mostly, I would pray so hard for God to take the temptation away from me forever. But that never happened. So my behavior and constant sin mortified and disgusted me, and my self-image degraded and deteriorated a little more each day. But when the urge hit me, the compulsion was overwhelming, and I felt that I could not do anything to stop it. Yet, I abhorred what I was doing and hated myself for it. I was a man living in complete conflict and continuous turmoil.

While this endless cycle of sin and remorse continued, two things happened inside me. First, the guilt and disgrace built up in me and became a burden that grew heavier and heavier each day. I carried inside me a horrible secret. I was not the man my wife, children, friends, parents, or co-workers thought I was. So I had to be extremely careful to hide any hint of my sickness and the self-respect eroding effects of my habit. The burden of guilt grew immeasurably as time went on, and consumed all positive energy of my heart and soul. I slowly lost the capacity to love, to have compassion, and to be tender. I became completely self focused and self absorbed. I wanted to punish myself for what I alone knew I was doing. I did not deserve to be happy, to be loved, or to be respected. So hating myself became my full time occupation.

But another and more devastating phenomenon also was happening at the same time. My conscience was slowly being seared. When you continually fight against something you recognize as an evil inside you, and consistently lose, you start to give up. When that happens, you become apathetic, you stop caring, and ignore what you are doing, or you begin to accept and even justify your behavior. I believe that the primary job of our conscience is to let us know when we are doing something wrong, and set off an internal alarm the instant the line between good and evil is in consideration to be crossed. If we lose this sensory alarm system, we lose the ability to make distinctions between good and evil. This is what happens in a ‘seared’ conscience. Like searing a piece of meat or a wound, a barrier or membrane slowly grows over the conscience, silencing its voice, and rendering it ineffective. Good becomes evil and evil can become good. Anything can be justified relatively, and universal truths and values are sacrificed and replaced with empty rationalizations. When this happens, we are in a very dangerous and destructive place, and can wreak untold damage on ourselves and upon others.

Our conscience is there for a reason, and we need it. Based on what we believe and know to be true, it is the author of our moral perceptions and a critical component of our capacity for human relations. Anytime a conscience is disregarded or ignored, we simultaneously feel guilt and sear our conscience. If done on a continuing basis, it is a process that can leave a person with no moral compass and wallowing in a cesspool of self-absorption. A conscience is to be respected and heeded. As we do this, we exercise our conscience, making our will and ability to obey it stronger. As we get older, we observe and learn, and our conscience becomes wiser and more sensitive. A seared conscience can render a person to be the moral equivalent of a dumb animal. And