Lost Inside Myself: Tales from the Closet

By Arliss Spencer

Lost Inside Myself is an exploration of life and love from three distinct points of view. When the star quarterback falls for the quarterback of his team's biggest rival, he must reach deep down and find the courage and strength to face his biggest fear and try to save his true love in The Quarterback Club.
What happens when a Mormon missionary falls head over heels for his mission companion? Matthew Travis finds out the hard way in Companion.
A middle age college professor happens into a group of wild looking young people and ends up falling in love for the first time. In One, Professor Ryan Jackson must give up everything important in his life to find true love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Arliss Spencer
• Release date: Aug 20, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476108759

Book preview

Lost Inside Myself

Tales from the Closet

Arliss Spencer

This is a work of fiction. All names, characters and places are the product of the author’s active imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resembles to actual persons or events is purely coincidental.

Lost Inside Myself: Stories from the Closet

Copyright © 2012 by Arliss Spencer

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, performed, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, digital, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, or conveyed via Internet or Web site or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the copyright holder.

Cover photograph Copyright © 2012 by Arliss Spencer

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

The author may be reached at [e-mail].

WARNING: This work contains depictions of same sex relationships and sexual acts. If you are offered by either, please do not proceed.

For all those who know how it feels . . .

I

The Quarterback Club

II

Companion

III

One

The Quarterback Club

Part I

Exhausted and bruised, Jon sat on the locker room bench. Stiffness was already setting in. Sacked 6 times and hurried another 8; from the opening kickoff, he was on the run. The other side only cared about knocking him down and beating him up. All of it wouldn’t have mattered if they had won—but they lost, 41 – 10.

Jon hated loosing. He hated it more than anything else. He always had. Sports had been a natural for him. In sports, they call it ‘competitiveness’ and it’s encouraged; calling someone a competitor was a compliment. Unfortunately for Jon, the real world didn’t work that way.

But he couldn’t help it, he wanted to win at everything. He wanted to be the best. In grade school he got in trouble because he asked his classmates their grades on tests just so he could see if he ‘beat’ them. In High School students he waited with baited breath each quarter for the class rankings to come out. He was always the star. Valedictorian. Star Quarterback. Invited to the best parties. Dating the best looking cheer leaders.

But now he was in college. A big fish still, but in an enormous sea. Although Jon was physically gifted, he wasn’t built like a quarterback. He wasn’t tall enough; he wasn’t strong enough. But Jon wanted to be quarterback. It was all he ever wanted. So he accepted a scholarship to play at Brackhall University in division II. He found out quickly that playing for a division II school was not even the same as playing in high school. The student body of Brackhall didn’t care about football. The stands went half empty for most games. At Brackhall, he was brought in to change that, but it had been a difficult year. The team was 2-9, and with only one games left, they were guaranteed another losing season.

He was doing fine in his classes, but not like high school. Football took up so much time and energy, and classes were so much more difficult and involved, despite all his efforts, he had not been able to achieve top grades. Not yet, at least.

Luckily, there was only one game left, against their in-state rivals. This was the only game that mattered. It was the only game that anyone cared about. Brackhall had lost the last seven years in a row; and they weren’t expected to win this year. The Wilthrump Beavers were 8-3 and going to the playoffs if they could beat Jon’s Tigers. This one game could make or break him, and he was feeling the pressure. Which was exacerbated by the simple fact that they didn’t have a chance. A Freshman Quarterback with a weak offensive line had no chance to beat the grinding attack of Wilthrump. That’s what everyone said. And Jon believed it.

And it made his body ach even more.

Looking around, he was finally alone. Slowly he rose and showered. He liked to wait for everyone to leave before showering. The large group showers were just too uncomfortable. Sadly most of the gossip about men’s showers was true and so Jon avoided them the best he could. He was terrified that being around his naked teammates would start something he couldn’t control and then everyone would know what he was. And he couldn’t bear the thought. So he was always careful.

Washing was difficult because of the bruises and aches. He would feel even worse tomorrow. Under the steaming water, he tried to put everything out of his head. Was this what life would be like for him from now on? Struggling to make a name for himself? Fighting to be the best, but always being one step behind? Never being able to be himself? As the water flowed and the steam rose, he floated away from his life, far away. The problem was there was nowhere to go. He floated in steam, no form, no personality, no responsibility, no competition.

But soon the water cooled and the real world descended again upon him. It wasn’t enough, he needed to really escape. Tonight he would be someone else and he couldn’t wait.

Lancaster was 100 miles from campus. He didn’t know anyone there, and that’s why he went. It was well past dark and he was confident that no one would recognize him.

It was Saturday night and Xanadu’s parking lot was full. He had been there once before, so this would probably be his last time. Going to the same club too often was just too risky.

Dance music blared; bodies moved and glistened like comets; lights flashed in an alien invasion of the senses. This was not his type of club except for one thing—it was filled with men hoping to get lucky.

Pushing his way to the bar, he ordered a beer. Xanadu was like any other club, more like a zoo where each cage was carefully labeled. The pretty boy cage was filled with shirtless, dancing men shamelessly on the prowl; appraising their conquests, looking for a quickie. Jon usually avoided pretty boys, too much flash, not enough substance. The next cage was filled with oldsters—older guys trying to stay young or looking for young guys. It was youth by association and Jon wanted nothing to do with that. The freaks cage was packed tonight. Freaks stand out because they want to. But in Jon’s mind, they were just plain weird. He’d left with one once a few months ago, but found out that they didn’t just dress weird, but acted weird. Jon ended up leaving him before they had really done anything.

Releasing all the caged animals resulted in pandemonium. Jon wanted someone normal, someone like him but they were truly a rare breed—an endangered species. And so his radar scanned continually, looking for someone to target.

By his second beer, he’d already been approached by two different pretty boys, but he turned them away. It was too soon to settle.

After his third beer his insides were churning and he needed to find someone. Radar beeps quickened and his eyes danced. Momentary guilt touched his mind—he knew it was shallow to pick someone up based solely on looks, but that was all that mattered. Relationships were unwelcome, out of the question. Being gay didn’t fit into his life. There was no denying the urges; the desire he felt for men, but he sure as hell could hide it. Anonymous sex would provide what he needed to survive. The less he knew about the guy the better. That way he could satisfy the urges but never get attached. And it was easy. That’s what the zoo was all about.

A flash of light caught his eyes leading to a freak across the room. Freaks were to be avoided, but this guy had something; he had it. He was tall—at least 6 foot 4, slim and lanky. His raggedy black hair, probably dyed, spiked over his left eye. Tight black leather pants revealed a beautiful ass, and long milky arms protruded from a black sleeveless shirt. Jon was usually turned off by make-up but black accents around his eyes drew Jon to him, calling him to come, calling him to explore. In contrast to his black clothes, a skinny silver belt shined brightly in the flashing lights of the club which flashed in unison with a large silver bracelet.

He was the one.

But before he could move, something drew his attention away; someone walked past and sat at the