Funny Ha! Ha!

By Ed Dantes

funny ha! ha! is comprised of two short stories. the first is humorous, the second is more a comedy with a twist at the end.
terror jihad o'hara: is an amusing story about a man who leaves hong kong and migrates to england in order to escape his past, only to find himself the next target of a crazy old woman intent on terrorizing the entire neighbourhood. make sure that you lock your door at night, because jihad o'hara might be coming to live in a town near you!
i die for you: is a comedy narrated by a pair of ghosts, a dead tramp with alzheimer's and a doctor. but they just cannot seem to get the story of how they died and their relationship to the two boys in the story to make any sense. they cannot even agree on the colour of the dog. the two boys in the story are always up to mischief and the younger boy jack was born with a slight problem: he is continually struck by lightning. expect to shed a few tears at the end.

i hope you enjoy reading these stories as much as i enjoyed writing them!
ed dantes

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ed Dantes
• Release date: Aug 21, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476023700

Ed Dantes

Ed Dantes is an Australian citizen, born in April 1960. He was so ugly that his mother first thought that she had the wrong baby and wanted to send him back. However, the doctor said that was not an option and a face transplant was not possible either, so she persevered and focused on his education. Ed left school at aged 16, worked for 4 years to save money and then paid his own way through university. In 1988, the author graduated with a science degree from the University of South Australia, but went on to graduate with an MBA and two masters degrees at other Australian universities. In 2000, Ed moved to Japan, where he currently still resides (possibly still trying to save up enough money for that face transplant).

Book preview

Funny, Ha Ha!

Terror Jihad O’Hara

I Die for You

Ed Dantes

Copyright Peter K. Ness @ 2010

Published at Smashwords

DEDICATION

To my wife and son who have been asking me to write these stories for some considerable time.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I thank my wife and son for their feedback and patience: after all, they are the best critics…. And, I would like to thank the cat, whose constant reminders and harassment to be fed, to answer the ping of the microwave, the sound of the washing machine finishing its cycle, and to shut the fridge door after feeding my face (but mostly his) highlights the fact that the only difference between humans and animals (other than language) is that we are more animal, and they more human, than anyone can ever imagine.

Terror Jihad O’Hara

By Ed Dantes

Chapter 1 - Introduction

As I picked up the pen, I wondered what I should say to my mother. After all, I had not written to her or contacted with her for years. How would she respond? Would she ignore my letters? Would she get angry? Maybe she would still blame me for everything that happened in the past.

Oh, well. Let’s give it a try.

‘Dear Mum,

I hope you are still alive after all these years?’

Crappers…I smudged it already. What a great start. I had better start it over again…

Chapter 2

Dear Mum,

We just moved into our little house in London. No. It is not a mansion. It is a little two-storey stand-alone red brick house which is sandwiched between the local railway station on one side and the freeway on the other, with a block of flats behind the house. When I say that it is a little house, I do not mean to shock you, but it really is not much bigger than a large wooden dolls house or a cardboard box; but then, as you probably know modern houses and flats in central London do tend to be pretty small. The thought of the noise of the traffic on the freeway and trains coming past every three to four minutes was a bit disturbing for the first few nights but now we have gotten used to it.

The house is not very wide, so when I lay down we have to keep the windows open on each side of the room. My feet stick out one window and my head rests on the window ledge of the other. Each time a tram rolls by I hurriedly drag my head inside as it rumbles past. Every now and again I need to drag my feet inside so that they do not get hit by some passing lorry truck. The house vibrates and shakes a lot; thus, sleeping on the second floor is a lot like sleeping on a water bed, at times. Sometimes it is hard to tell if the house is moving due to the vibrations of a passing commuter subway train, tram or lorry, or because we have had an earthquake, but since we do not have many earthquakes in London and the lorries are infrequent, I guess it must be the subway trains.

Not much happens in London these days. My wife is working again now. She has a very good job as an accountant at a French pharmaceutical company and is doing very well. We bought a puppy dog the other day. It cost us almost as much as the house: 2,000 pounds. We called the puppy Frisbee.

Lots of love,

from your loving son,

Chen Tsu, and family

Chapter 3

Dear Chen,

It was so good to hear from you again after all these years. Travelling all over the world like that…

Five years, it has been…, and not a single letter. Your father is very disappointed in you. You really should come back to Hong Kong and help Lee run our jewelry shop. Lee has been very successful. He has a new mansion and just purchased a silver colored Mercedes Benz. However, there have been many robberies lately. It is a good thing we have insurance.

You never even told us that you were moving to London, or that you were getting married to some foreigner. And, you embarrassed your father big time. He had to explain to Lu Ling’s parents that you could no longer marry her. Her mother cried for days, bless her soul. We were so upset for Lu Ling, who was three months pregnant. You do remember just what you did to Lu Ling, don’t you?

Your elder brother chose to do the right thing by you and married her for you, so we would not lose face. We all held great plans for your future, but you chose to run away with some French girl on the eve of your wedding. Shame on you! God will punish you for all the bad things you did in the past: for burning down our house, for stealing from your fathers jewelry shop, and for all the other things you did to upset us in the past.

Anyway, Lee and Lu now have two children.

To tell you the truth, we are utterly shocked that you chose to leave Hong Kong and move to London, but there is not much we can do now. Your father has been helping the neighbor build extensions to their house in the New Territories. He says that the important thing is a roof overhead and plenty of ventilation, but since you have the windows and doors open at night it does not seem to be such an issue. I know there were some delays getting supplies after the union strikes by the lorry drivers, but if you need any masking tape or staples to hold your house together please let us know. Those things are cheap here in Hong Kong.

Anyway, it is great to hear that you managed to buy a small house so cheaply and have at last settled down. We are really concerned about the size of your house though. Please try to lie down length wise from now on. You are not getting any younger and we are quite concerned that you may not be able to move your head or feet in time for the next oncoming tram, or lorry.

How is your loving wife Carol? Is she still working? …and your two children Helen and Troy….are they still in high school?

Sorry, what sort of job did you say you are doing? Was that factory work, or did you get a job at a good university as a janitor?

I guess you have probably eaten the dog by now. You should buy beef though, it is a lot cheaper.

Well, it has been so good to hear from you again.

Lots of love,

from your loving mother

Chapter 4

Hi Mum,

Well, I guess it has been fifteen years since my last letter. Nothing much happens in London, so there is not much to talk about. There was some confusion when we read your previous letter all those years ago. I spoke with my younger brother Jun on the phone the other day. He phoned to ask if I want to invest in his new Chinese venture. Anyway, we had a long talk. At the time, Jun told me that Carol is his wife but Helen and Troy are Lu Ling and Lee’s children.

Sophia, my wife, is now the Finance Manager at Jonathon-Cowan Inc., a US law firm. Our daughter Julia is now in her final year of high school and Edward is in second year university, studying law, at Leeds. And, I am still working in the same advertising firm.

We had a series of strange incidences in the last few months. The dog, Frisbee, died several years ago from old age. It was a little hard on the kids so we got a new puppy last week. His