The Great Hollywood Double Hustle

By Rory Cantwell

When a gang of film-star look-alikes decide to try and con a Hollywood producer into financing their bogus blockbuster movie, they know it's the biggest gamble of their lives but looking like the biggest flange of film-stars ever assembled to make a movie, has got to help.

'The Great Hollywood Double Hustle' invites you into the curious world of a desperate gang of film-star look-alikes who are prepared to risk everything to escape, what they consider to be, their dysfunctional Doppelgänger fate.

Described by some reviewers as Oceans Eleven meets The Sting, the books heroes have to overcome many unforeseen obstacles and dangers if they are going to achieve their goal. Predatory producers and unscrupulous agents always want a piece of the action; particularly when the action in question is worth millions. Their financial backer, an unscrupulous porn producer with issues is, to say the least, less than predictable, and they always have to live with the risk that the real stars will discover their scam and unravel it

Look no further for your laugh-out-loud beach book this summer, THE GREAT HOLLYWOOD DOUBLE HUSTLE is a laugh-a-minute look-alike winner!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rory Cantwell
• Release date: Oct 6, 2012
• ISBN: 9780957184534

Rory Cantwell

I was inspired to write The Great Hollywood Double Hustle when one fateful night, I accidentally stumbled across a professional look-alike website and found myself crying with laughter as I scanned all the good, the bad and the obviously unhinged celebrity doubles. Some were genuinely remarkable doubles, capable of convincing anyone that they were the legitimate star but others were so genuinely deluded that they were further away from their supposed double than a politician is from the truth. Needless to say, once I finished laughing, I started writing. I hope you enjoy my book as much as I enjoyed writing it. Cheers Rory

Book preview

Chapter 1

Seeing Double

Behind schedule but still determined to finish cleaning his area, Stanley found himself, on that fateful day, industriously scooping up the usual mountain of cigarette butts that peppered the pavement outside the ever-so-exclusive Groucho Club. Just starting to wilt from his efforts and ready to find one of those little hideaways that only road sweepers know about, he was in the process of bending down to get one last scoop of detritus, when the moment that changed his life forever happened.

He didn’t notice the long black limousine that came to rest alongside him. The first he actually knew of its existence was when its passenger door impacted into his back and knocked him completely off his feet; its effect, to make him form a human bear- skin rug for the occupants of the limo to use when they left the vehicle.

Laughter erupted from inside the car before a cluster of beautiful models and starlets emerged, swiftly followed by Danny De Lito, the vertically- challenged major Hollywood star.

As they walked past the now prostrate Stanley, one of Danny’s Amazonian entourage suddenly started screaming and manically pointing at Stanley, shouting, My God Danny, check him out! He looks just like you. He could be your real twin!

Stanley looked up into the eyes of the star and was struck by how right the girl was. It was as if he was looking into a make-over mirror, seeing a reflection of himself as if through a distorting prism into another world, another dimension; one where life had treated him with manicures, rather than manual labour, money rather than money lenders, and love rather than loneliness.

It wasn’t the first time that someone had noticed Stanley’s resemblance to the movie star. He often had his sanity challenged by his road-sweeping colleagues, as they would pat him on the head and say, What’s your next movie, my stubby superstar? No, don’t tell me, let me guess: Look Who’s Sweeping Now. Or they would say, No, no, what about Lord Of The Flies? Then ask, Do they have an Oscar for stubby shit shovellers? If they do, you got it, Stan!

Stanley would just internally growl and then nonchalantly shrug their jibes away, but now, as he looked up into his own face on someone else, a moment of revelation initially befuddled his mind, but eventually set in motion a chain of thoughts that would change his life forever.

As the privileged Hollywood clan walked past him into the club, he tracked De Lito, his brain trying to make sense of the reflection in front of him, but it was only as he scrambled to his feet, that the scrambled results of his brains conflicted computations became clear.

We are identical! He shouted after Danny, chasing him towards the club entrance. Then he offered excitedly, Danny, mate, you ever need a stand in, you just call me!

Danny paused and looked intently into Stanley’s eyes,.You definitely got a better future being me than being you, kid. I hear the guy in New York who doubles for me makes six figures; I should get a cut. Look, my friend, the people who want me for their film will accept no substitutes. There is only one Danny D. in this world and unfortunately for you, it’s me.

With that, Danny turned with an air of dismissive superiority and left Stanley to contemplate what he had said.

It was at that moment that Stanley decided he was going to change his profession and change his hairstyle. Stanley would become Danny; he would be a star look-alike for a living.

Strangely for Stanley, after his encounter with Danny it was surprisingly easy to launch his new impersonating career. Within ten minutes of looking on the internet,he had found a plethora of look-alike agencies specialising in supplying famous faces at a discount price, and within that week he had got an ‘audition’, as they pretentiously called it, at one of the biggest agencies in the field.

Fake Famous Faces supplied famous doubles for everything from obscure premieres of Hollywood movies somewhere the real star refused to go, through to outrageous stag or hen parties, where the groom always had a thing about Cameron Diaz, or the bride always wanted to bed Orlando Bloom, and they wanted to indulge their fantasy a little.

Stanley often thought that society’s obsession with fame was so all-encompassing, particularly with the Pop Idol/Fame Academy stuff going on, that the maxim probably stood: if you can’t be famous yourself, then the next best thing is to hang out with someone who is famous. If you can’t do that, then try to hang out with someone who at least looks famous.

Needless to say, for this and a gaggle of other reasons, look-alikes were in high demand. Much to his regret, however, Stanley didn’t get many of the ‘brides offering to sleep with him’-type gigs. His friend Brad said he got them all the time. Said they sometimes offered him an absolute fortune if he was prepared to, let’s say, service the clients more complex star fantasies and desires.

With a little investigation, before his initial interview, he’d found out that as a famous face he would be able to make more in a night than he would in a month sweeping the crap off the streets.

After a quick trip to a barber’s, some creative hair sculpting and the loan of a classy double-breasted suit, Stanley was ready to present himself to Jack Fielder, the agent ‘with more than two faces’, as he called himself on his web site.

The meeting went something like this: Hi, my name is Stanley and some people say that I look... ... Exactly like Danny fucking De Lito, my friend, completed Fielder, immediately aware that what stood before him was lots of money in the bank. Also, ‘Stubby and Stupid’ the new Farrelly Brothers’ movie staring De Lito was about to premiere and he had already turned down several requests. I can get you lots of work, Stan, my man. Make you and myself a lot of money. When can you start?

Stanley paused, not really expecting such a quick decision, before finally he managed, Well, what does it involve exactly?

Jack smirked, Nothing much, Stan. You get your look perfect and I plug you in to the deals. The closer you can get to perfection, the more you make, then you’ll really start truly fulfilling the ‘looking-like’ part of the ‘look-a-like’ job description. All my best guys and girls get extra little tweaks; those last little differences eradicated. A bit off the nose here and a bit on a lobe there; you’ll make shed loads more as a result.

From your reaction when I walked in, I thought I was pretty spot on, Stanley said defensively.

Fielder, not to be put off by Stanley’s reticence, enthused, There’s always room for improvement, Stanley. Perfection means pounds in the bank. Think of it that way.

I’ll think about it, Jack; you’re almost definitely probably right, but... Sensing instinctively that it was better to shut up than to continue, he paused, prompting Fielder who seemed to be displaying all the signs of someone on the verge of turning nasty, to say through an increasingly threatening smile, Well, while you’re trying out that thinking thing, think about changing your name by deed-pole to Danny De Feato or something like that. Something funny though. People like to think their look-a-likes are living the dream but aren’t being creepy or freaky about it.

As Stanley left the meeting with his newly acquired look-a-like agent, he pondered Fielder’s words and wondered if they were wise. Then, on reflection, he found himself conceding to his new agent’s superior knowledge and experience, and decided to do all he could to make him happy.

Walking towards the bus stop, he thought to himself, How can I make a living as the ultimate De Lito look-alike if I am not prepared to copy every twist, turn and mannerism that makes Danny D. Danny D.

Chapter 2

Double Dong

Within a month, Stanley the Road Sweeper was dead and Danny the Double was born. When his name change came through, it felt a little strange for the new Danny. He knew his mum and dad if they were still alive would have understood his decision, would understand why he was never going to be called Stanley again. They had always been good parents, always accepted his issues and failings, always supported him when he made the mistakes of youth, and he knew they would understand now.

However, Danny certainly knew that his parents wouldn’t like some of the things he got involved in as a double for the diminutive Danny D. Sure, they would think it was great that he got paid three hundred pounds to open a supermarket with an Arnold Schwarzenegger look-alike pretending to be his twin, or paid a thousand pounds to attend the premier of the latest Hollywood blockbuster; but some of the other gigs he got, he was sure, would make both his parents turn somersaults in their graves. They certainly made Danny’s stomach put a washing machine to shame.

On one such occasion, Jack promised him that he would love the job. Said he was one of the luckiest guys on the planet and that some people would give him a blow job to get this gig. All Danny had to do was go to an audition and, if he got the part, he was going to become a star in his own right.

He got to the audition early but nervously stopped before entering the intimidating palatial hotel where his big chance was to take place. His nerve faltering, he knew he had to grab this moment with both hands but had never really considered that acting was part of the job remit or part of his skill base.

He was also becoming increasingly aware that if he failed to expand his horizons, he would continue to be trapped in what he by now considered to be a very volatile and precarious existence, where all it took was for the real Danny D. to be disgraced in some way and he would be screwed.

Butterflies tap-danced extra rhythms, adding to his already palpitating heart, as he nervously entered the hotel room where his assessment was to take place. However, the same butterflies positively rugby tackled his heart and drove it forcefully into the ground, when he beheld what confronted him. His parents would definitely not like this.

Lying on the king-size bed were three naked people, all busy in exaggerated coitus with each other, one brandishing an enormous double-headed dildo with vigour on the other two. All were groaning exaggerated groans and occasionally looking seductively into the lens of a camera; one being pointed at them by a sweaty, overweight cameraman, obviously enjoying his job immensely.

In the corner of the room, a fifty-year-old cigar-smoking director sat instructing the action; No eye contact in this one, dear, he ordered the big-breasted diva, just concentrate on the job in hand if you can, Cheryl.

Then, reacting with delight on seeing Danny enter, he screamed,

Oh my God! Look at you. What fun! I do hope you have an enormous cock, my friend.

The man stood and approached Danny with his hand outstretched, but despite his best efforts, Danny found himself incapable of taking his eyes off the gratuitous fuck-fest in front of him. Err...hi, he stammered, finally managing to make eye contact with the man for the first time.

I know, Danny, the man sympathised, takes a bit of getting used to. I’m Larry Spring-Hammer, Spring-Hammer Productions. Great to finally meet you, Danny. You look spot on; Jack has done me proud. Turning to the bedfellows, equally distracted by Danny, he continued, Keep it up, people, time is money. Nothing to see here.

Then, returning to Danny, he continued, I’m guessing from the look on your face that Jack didn’t tell you exactly what you would be doing here today? Still in mesmerised shock, Danny managed, Err, no. Not really. He didn’t mention anything about the actual part I’m auditioning for, no.

Larry laughed before he patted Danny affectionately on the back and said, Typical Jack, so full of bullshit. He claimed that you really loved the idea. And what exactly is the idea, Mr. Spring-Hammer? Danny questioned, clearly acting as fearful as he felt. With a look of immense pride at his creative ingenuity, Larry announced enthusiastically, It’s going to be brilliant, Danny. Just picture it: you and Ron Jeremy spit roasting a Judy Garland look-alike surrounded by hundreds of lesbian munchkins getting it on. I want to call it ‘The Wizard of Toss’. What do you think?

Explain spit-roasting...? Danny stammered, afraid that he had already worked out the answer. Larry laughed hysterically, assuming Danny’s question was a joke. Let me explain, Danny. I specialise in porn remakes of smash hit Hollywood films and this one needs you. How do you feel about getting your cock out and having a go with these beauties?

Larry clicked his fingers and both girls broke from their entanglement and smiled alluringly up at Danny. Then one of them took hold of his hand and tried to pull him onto the bed, as she said, We like small men, Danny. Their bits always seem proportionately bigger don’t they Chantal? It’s like a cock-tickle illusion!

Through their giggles, Larry shouted to his assistant, Write that down. That’s gold. We can work that into the script. Like it.

In an instant that seemed to last a lifetime, Danny considered the opportunity. If he was truly living by his life rules, he should really say ‘to hell with it’ and take her offer in both hands, but at that moment, the intoxicating combination of petrified shock and predicted humiliation, prompted him to attempt to back out gracefully. I’ve not really had to do this kind of thing before. Um, i’m not sure I am really the right man for the, err, job.

Larry laughed. Sure you are, Danny. It’s as easy as banging one off in the bathroom. You don’t even have to speak. Just grunt occasionally.

Two hours later, Danny left the hotel room sheepishly, looking like a man who had just been dipped. He didn’t know what had just happened in there. It had all got a bit strange.

He had given up attempting any physical interaction with women a long time ago so when, suddenly, he was presented with two really rude ones, who both wanted to shag his brains out at the same time, it was safe to say that he experienced a mild panic.

What followed in that room was a blur but explicably, in later life, he would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night shouting, No, not the anal balls, not again.

The only thing he did know for sure, when he left that sanity-challenging room, was that he definitely didn’t get the part.

Chapter 3

Double Love

It was difficult for Danny to tell exactly when his new life became old and frustrating but, after a while, he found being a look-alike was not all Jack made it out to be. There were perks, to be sure. He made a fair living doing what most people would call strange things every day, but it was almost like he found himself suffering from some form of schizophrenia. One part Hollywood star, always willing to entertain or more often than not, make a fool of himself for his audience and the other part Stanley the Sweeper; a man who loved nothing more than a bottle of fortified wine and a bed.

He was just in the process of wrapping up a regular meeting with his agent when another life-changing event occurred. Their meeting over, Danny was delayed from leaving Jack’s office by a freak accident; a fan on Jack’s desk scooped a large amount of froth from a discarded coffee and blew it over both their trousers.

Arse! They both exclaimed simultaneously, before Danny added, These are my last clean strides, Jack. Haven’t been to the launderette in weeks.

As a result of the incident, both Jack and Danny were busy trying unsuccessfully to rub the stain from their respective crotches, when it happened; when Danny heard her wonderful voice for the first time. Had an accident, Jack? Can I lend a hand? came her amused, laughing voice from the door.

No, no, it’s cool. My man here has just caught a bit of my cappuccino. Have you met Danny? Susan, who looked the spitting image of her famous counterpart, Susan Sarandon, walked up to Danny, incapable of suppressing her vivacious smile. Hi, Danny. Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Danny De Lito? And I should know, I met him once at a launch party. Lovely little man, actually. Are you a lovely little man, Danny? Hey, less of the little. We Danny’s maybe small but we are perfectly formed, or so I’ve been told, he retorted, acutely aware that he didn’t normally discuss the size or shape of his penis at such an early stage in a relationship.

Before Danny could react, Susan pushed him down into a seat, grabbed a tissue and started to vigorously rub at the stain on his crotch.

Just needs a woman’s touch.

You’re not wrong, Danny agreed, a look of panic exploding across his face. Any chance you can help me after you’re finished with Danny, Susan? Jack asked opportunistically, before Susan, ignoring Jacks comment, continued. It would probably be easier if you took them off, Danny. I can’t get to all of it.

We’ve only just met, and you want to take my trousers off already? Wish it worked like that every time I met a beautiful woman. Susan looked up into Danny’s eyes and smiled seductively, making Jack feel slightly awkward as he observed, You guys should get a room.

Before Danny could stop himself, he offered, We should at least get lunch. If for nothing else than to say thank you for trying to save my trousers and, oh yes, rubbing my cock.

They both blushed and giggled as Susan pleaded with Jack. We can do this meet later, can’t we, sweetheart? Please. Sure, no problem. Ring me when you guys have finished falling in love. About four o’clock, by the looks of things.

The truth in what Jack said was not lost on Danny, because at that very moment, as far as he was concerned, he had found her. He had found the one; the woman that would probably own him forever. Somehow, he instantly knew that his love for Susan would never die. From being a ‘no woman’ man, Danny suddenly became a ‘one woman’ man and luckily for him, from the look of flirtatious amusement on her face, Susan seemed to be feeling the same way.

They didn’t actually make it to lunch. Under the pretext of enabling him to change his trousers, Susan insisted that they should first go to Danny’s place.

Only Danny knew that all his other trousers were dirty but, as it transpired, he didn’t need them for several days anyway and when he did, he didn’t care how dirty they were.

Fumbling nervously with his keys, he finally managed to open his door and, fumbling nervously with her dress, he finally managed to remove it. Yet when they came together in that first intense embrace, it marked the moment when Danny would never fumble in his life again.

Their consummation was earth shattering and the power of it would prove everlasting for both. In Susan, Danny found a perfect compliment to who he was. A beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman, with a Ph.D in Advanced Computer Science, a talented actress, look-alike and stand-up comedian, Susan could make him laugh or cry until it hurt.

She even had a doctorate in Business Law but when it transpired that she only had it because she hacked into the University computer system and changed her grade, out of fairness, Danny argued that it shouldn’t really count.

She made his world complete and, from that moment on, he would never be alone, would never feel insecure and in the love department, would never want for anything. He had found his soul mate.

Chapter 4

Doubling Danny

Despite the consistent euphoric state he felt because of his union with Susan, Danny really started to dislike being a Danny D double, after he had been impersonating him for about three years.

He knew that all careers have good times and bad, but unfortunately for Danny at that moment, the good times were becoming increasingly rare. For some reason, things were just quiet. Money was tight even though Susan was still getting some work, but what really irritated Danny was that, even though the money he made being Danny D had for the most part dried up, he still had to deal with the bullshit by-products of looking like an A-list Hollywood star.

Over and over again, his life seemed stalked by the man who had knocked him on his arse years earlier. As simple a task as going to the shops for a loaf of bread could become a complete nightmare. One