Moot Points and Pithy Remarks

By Jean Stites

Fun, games, and mysterious strangers come together in this tale of the world's first time traveler and his fantastic mission to preserve the future by triggering events in the past.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jean Stites
• Release date: Dec 12, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301892426

Jean Stites

Jean Stites is a writer and musician from the San Francisco Bay Area who thanks you so very much for reading and wishes you an especially pleasant day.

Book preview

Moot Points and Pithy Remarks

The Origin of Bentley Monroe

by

Jean Stites

Copyright 2012, Jean Stites.

All rights reserved.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only and must not be resold.

If you'd like to share this book with other people, please purchase additional copies.

If you're reading this and didn't purchase it, please support and respect the work of this author by going to Smashwords.com and doing so.

They gave him drums and squeaking toys

and said,

Now Ray, don’t make no noise!

—author unknown

Introduction

Greetings to you, my fellow Monroevians—and all other interested parties—as we all come together here at one of humanity’s crisis points in history to discuss the staggering implications of what has come to pass, because by now I'm sure that most of you are somewhat familiar with the astounding story of the origin of Bentley Monroe. Here I attempt to tell it again in more detail, using the historical documents available to me, for all of you out there with further interest.

Four of the chapters are transcripts of conferences between myself—in my capacity as a counselor at the Bureau of Occupations and Friendships—and Fred The Duke Smith. The very first conference that opens Part II was conducted shortly before the discovery of the emails, and is included to give those that might be interested some insight into Fred's character. When I told him I had a few ideas about useful work for him, little did I know what that work was destined to be!

Chapters seven and twelve were written by myself, hopefully to serve the purpose of filling in gaps in the story. The remaining chapters in Part II contain transcripts of telephone calls, as well as all of those earth-shattering emails, which I’m pleased to present to the world here for the first time in their entirety.

Included at the beginning as Part I—for the convenience of those of you who have not read it—is the seemingly innocent and now known to be true short story: Arnold and The Game Of Fun; for it was this story’s undeniable confirmation of the emails that would lead all concerned to believe in the inevitability of Fred Smith becoming the world's first time traveler.

Fortunately for mankind, although Fred was a practicing Monroevian, he’d never read Arnold and The Game Of Fun; and to watch this story and the emails play out as written has been a source of endless fascination for all of us, who feel privileged to have been involved with the project. It was also, of course, a time of tremendous tension and excitement, since once the emails came out of Ms. Scotia Dawson’s closet, the die for Fred—and the rest of the planet—was cast.

***

Now as most of you probably know, it’s been nearly five years since the technology was developed that allows scientists to locate, view, and confirm events of the past—subject of course to close governmental surveillance due to the raging public debate over, among other things, the issue of invasion of privacy—not to mention the potential dimensional disruption caused by mass viewings where the those in the past being watched can actually become aware of the unseen presence of the audience.

However, unknown until now to all but a few, for the last two years technology has also existed which can actually send objects into the past and return them unharmed.

This process was tested extensively under tightest security, until those working on the project were nearly certain that they could do the same with a human being; and while pondering the staggering implications of this, little did those involved know that soon they would necessarily be participating in both the first and—many hope—the last test of this possibility. Having been thrust into the center of this controversy, I now undertake here to speak for everyone who’s formed the opinion that human time travel presents a danger to Mother Earth rivaling—if not surpassing—the nuclear threat of the late twentieth and early twenty-first centuries; and I hope that anyone who still doubts this fact will be convinced by the evidence presented here.

For several months before the emails came to light, discussion had been ablaze within closed sessions of the High Council as to whether to allow a test of the system on a human volunteer. The majority opinion, I’m proud to report, was that it was much too risky.

However, the emails with their amazing revelations changed all that, and it became clear that my client, Fred, did indeed need to be sent back. To preserve our time as we know it, the testing of the system had been rendered inevitable.

The emails were, of course, found quite by accident as Ms. Dawson was searching through her late grandmother's storeroom in pursuit of antiques, and—fortunately for the world—she took them straight to the proper authorities.

But what if she hadn’t?

Will we wait until another box of old printouts sets off another emergency? What about the box that goes undiscovered?

This is why I feel confident in saying that the general consensus among those who were involved with this project is that the hardware used for time travel should be immediately destroyed, and possession of such hardware should be made illegal.

We believe that while the software should probably be kept in reserve for cataclysmic emergency, the practice of time travel without full public approval should be banned.

***

Three weeks after Ms. Dawson's discovery, I was summoned to the Council and apprised of the terrible situation; and it was with considerable difficulty that I concealed my nervousness as I told Fred that he’d been chosen to be the subject of the first test of human time travel.

He was immediately delighted, as some would say it was meant to be. Amazing as it was that he seemed to have no fear at all, my mind further reeled as I watched him decide with his characteristically innocent enthusiasm that he should tell those he met in the past that he was The Duke: Unofficial Ambassador From Zuria.

And then when the interview seemed to be winding down without all events falling properly into place, I took the liberty of suggesting to him that he try to think up some kind of special project or experiment which would make an interesting item for the Daily. Whether or not this risky step was actually necessary I can’t say, of course; but I hope the world feels that I took this enormous ball that was thrown at me and ran with it as best I could.

I was always so unsure just exactly how much I ought to tell him, and since the Council had decided that it should be left to my discretion, I usually resolved to wait and see. Luckily, he struck up the friendship with his assistant at a bus stop with no coaching at all from me. Once this was accomplished, I felt fairly confident that matters would run their course.

While there was some understandable opposition to publicizing the experiment in the Daily, which was soon silenced by the overriding general agreement that to not follow the emails precisely was obviously foolish. After all, we knew everything was going to come out sooner or later.

Also, I’d like to add in closing that I’m now involved in documenting the events surrounding the writing of The Travels of Bentley Monroe, which most will recognize as the incredible book that became the foundation of present-day Monroeism. As many of you also already know, this book was published posthumously by the executors of the estate of Rodney Peabody—an obscure musician about whom, also, little was known until now.

Part I

The author would like to thank the

Monroevian Community

for allowing the reprinting of this manuscript.

The original is on display in the main complex at Ramooda.

Arnold and the Game of Fun

Good morning to whom it may concern!

Today I woke up thinking that everybody who loves The Game of Fun the way I do would probably also like to know the weird and wonderful way that it all went down, and so I’ll give it my very best shot. You probably won’t believe it, but this really is what happened.

Sometimes I still don’t believe it myself….

However it’s all God’s truth, and I suppose I should certainly begin this wacky tale by introducing Arnold: the man with the glorious dream that started it all. You know, you'd probably never think of him as a person who’d be going around doing things like inventing The Game of Fun, since he's already such a tremendously busy guy. For instance, our budding gamemaster had already endeared himself to everybody in the neighborhood by being an amateur photographer who takes swell pictures of all kinds of stuff and then passes out free copies, so I’m amazed that he even found the time….

Well, I guess when you want something bad enough you make time.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way! Arnold’s been heard to say with his typically positive attitude, which is of course the main reason we’re all so fond of him. Also, he almost always asks you how you're doing, and then really cares when you tell him.

Let me try to describe him: basically your average guy, dark hair and eyes, pretty tall, and athletically thin—probably because he's always so busy.

No couch potato Arnold!

Plus, he’s one of those people who just seem like they’ll always look young and can usually be spotted somewhere around the neighborhood in jeans, T-shirt, and sneakers with a smile on his face and a camera hanging around his neck; and while it’s true that this hobby occasionally gets him into trouble with his tendency to take candid snaps of people doing possibly embarrassing things, it also makes him an especially big hit with kids like the Lambert twins. They love him as well because he’s so spontaneously playful, which I hope you’ll agree is obviously the best way to be when one can afford it.

And so, everyone’s friend Arnold was ripe for the divine inspiration that was soon to flood his soul one fateful morning as this playful character was simply sitting around his breakfast table before heading off to his perfectly adequate employment—nevertheless feelin’ kinda restless, disconnected, and therefore vaguely hopeless in terms of his personal pursuit of happiness, if you know what I mean, in spite of his generally sunny temperament—when suddenly he got on a mental roll about how all anyone needs is just one great idea to get rich as Croesus—who, by the way, was a real person. He was the last King of Lydia, which was a country in the Middle East about 2600 years ago. He’s almost as famous as King Midas for being rich, but he didn't have a magical golden touch. How he got rich is anyone's guess, and maybe we don't want to know….

‘Money is power—at least in this dimension,’ thought Arnold, mesmerized there at the breakfast table; and he vowed to the universe that if he could only think of a way to get some, he’d then only use it in the pursuit of noble causes, which of course he felt really would then generate endless happiness by extension for a guy like him.

***

Well anyway, later that day, with this train of thought still running around in his head, divinely inspired Arnold got what he correctly felt was a truly great idea: The Game of Fun! It’d be a simple game, so that even little kids could understand it and lots of people would be able to afford it….

A board game!

Like Monopoly!

"Yeah, like Monopoly!" he actually thought out loud in a burst of creative ecstasy, while the rest—as they say—is history, as our gamemaster’s mind began to fill with images of all the wonderfully satisfying board game experiences of his childhood—drifting away for a moment on an enormous wave of nostalgia. His game, he then vowed to the universe, would be the very best of them all….

Not only that: his game, he suddenly understood with ecstasy, could also provide him with employment that simultaneously allowed him to both have tons o’ fun and to spread it around to the whole wide world by extension!

Why, it was as though he’d been waiting for this moment all his life!

Yes, our hero felt like a man whose date with destiny had finally arrived....

He’d had a cosmic vision of what would surely be a great game all about trying to have a great time….

It should have a lot of paths—he now decided, as his blissfully fevered mind went to work—leading to all kinds of Fun like—

Roller coasters!

Almost everybody likes roller coasters, right?

It was all so wonderful….

While then suddenly—in another golden flash of inspiration—Arnold knew that all along the paths there ought to be Hassles to deal with in order to get to the fun. You know: all the boring, messy, or even dangerous stuff that constitutes the downside of almost any adventure.

And so Arnold grabbed a pen and paper and it began....

***

Now eventually—after a few hours of this—that creative genius began to wonder if the thrills provided by the roller coaster should next somehow also lead onward and upward to yet another, bigger kind of Ultimate Fun?

Perhaps his game shouldn’t just be leading to basically superficial goals like sailboats and piles of creampuffs. I mean, was that really enough to endear his game in the hearts and minds of humanity for all eternity?

Time to trod the path of destiny with care….

Maybe the ultimate fun should really be falling in love?

Well, suddenly speculating about increasingly heavy things like following the trail of a long lost brother or understanding quantum physics, our gamemaster soon found himself swimming into deeper and deeper metaphysical waters full of more and more enormously challenging, yet oh-so-exciting Big Fun Goals like gaining total enlightenment—actually making it all the way to Heaven!

Whew!

Well, despite all this heaviness, one thing's for sure: everyone’s cheerful friend Arnold was even happier after this—his restlessness was a thing of the past, because now he was also a man with hope and vision; and what more, I ask you—beside love, perhaps—does anyone need?

Plenty, I suppose, but hope and vision felt like a little slice of heaven for our hero. He had a spring in his step and a gleam in his eye as he started telling everybody about his terrific idea, which of course only reinforced the blissful sensation of feeling so comfortably connected to his universe....

***

Now for a while people were really interested in The Game of Fun and life was sweet for Arnold, but then they began to get tired of giving him suggestions for paths and hassles, while the gamemaster then became somewhat desperate for inspiration, as his vision began to cloud and his hope threatened to fade….

It's tougher than I thought, he confessed, nervously tapping his foot. "I'm so insecure about the goals—you know, the actual content of the pathways? The stuff I think is fun may not be what somebody else thinks is fun, and what they think is fun isn't what I think is fun, and all I'm feeling comfortable with is stupid superficial things like roller coasters and cream puffs anyway! I'm feeling a lack of depth! I'm looking for passion!"

I see your point, I said cautiously, worried that Arnold might be going mental on me….

I've been going around asking everybody what their idea of fun is, hoping to be inspired! he kept on.

We've noticed, I said, barely remaining diplomatic as Arnold looked sadly away.

"I thought I'd hear a lot of pithy stories that’d give me material for heavy-but-worthwhile paths to Big Fun, but it's just not happening! he cried. I'm looking for universal thrills that deliver deep-down satisfaction!" he almost wailed—seeming to regret his outburst, while looking at me out of the corner of his eye—waiting, no doubt, for me to give some lame excuse to get out of the conversation and away from his creeping insanity; but instead, since he is—as I said before—such a nice guy, I felt moved to help him.

Well, I said, giving his dilemma serious attention, "I think your problem is that you think people are really going to tell you exactly what they do for fun."

They're not going to, are they? he asked with a heavy sigh, as though admitting that he should’ve known it all along….

Not really, I replied.

For instance, I sure wasn't, since I'm not so sure I want the whole neighborhood discussing my Larry the Lizard Puppet. Although I love to fool around with this relic of my childhood whenever the Lamberts come to visit—absolutely love it—I’m not about to put on a show in the park.

***

However, not to be stopped by a little thing like human nature, that determined gamemaster pressed onward, and he was soon to get a major boost by meeting the extraordinary man destined to become The Game of Fun’s biggest fan while helping out a friend by taking some pictures of the statue depicting Jebidiah Hawkins—founder of the local Humane Society—with a cat in his lap, which can be seen off in the distance from my window as the centerpiece of the park across the street. It was the local Birdwatcher's Association that wanted them. For some reason, birds never sit on Jebidiah, which they think is excitingly unusual. Arnold buys homemade pies from Flossie, who’s President of the Association, and she’d enlisted his aid in a scheme where he’d take photos of the statue for several consecutive days, so that she and her pals could pour over them as a group—looking for some sort of pattern or explanation….

So there he was, in the park, when this kind of oldish guy in Bermuda shorts

Reviews for Moot Points and Pithy Remarks

[sportzmomof5 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

*I was given this book in exchange for an honest review.*I enjoyed this book and finished it within one day. I could empathise with the characters, even though there wasn't much of a character development. The authors style of writing is unique and may cause some confusion in some readers. However once you catch on it is an easy read.I look forward to reading more from this author in the future.

[lexiesmom-1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This book consists of two short stories. Mind Games deals with an annual event called the “Big Race”, a four week long event that calls for the contestants to work on gathering information a wide variety of educational subjects and ends with a day of physical competitions. I found that parts of this story seemed to drag and found myself losing interest. The ideas are great but the author went off course a lot going on tangents that were not all that exciting.Mysterious Strangers was a sweet little flight of fantasy. A mysterious visitor, possibly from an other planet visits a young girl and her parents. The story was a nice length and the mysterious stranger had a message everyone could use. I loved the ending!