Inspector Baseheart's Secret Files
()
About this ebook
As usual Inspector Baseheart’s plate is filled with blood and baloney. These are the never-before revealed Secret Files. Why have they been kept secret? The estimable Howard Cress of Fortnight Publications writes an introductory comment which treats of this issue, and also of the quirky personality of the man who is the world’s most famous detective since Sherlock Holmes.
Of course, it is the excitement and the complexity of these investigative files which have fascinated readers over the years. Here are a few tantalizing tidbits:
A wealthy heiress calls Inspector Baseheart with problems. Her horoscope has recommended caution: “You will die April 10 at 2:30 p.m.” A fortune teller has taken one look at her palm and fainted. The leaves in her teacup appear to her as a grinning skull. One week later she is dead! The inspector is interviewed on the television program Today’s Murder “Inspector! The crime was impossible! How did it happen?”
A ferocious, carnivorous Ape Man has escaped his cage at the Downtown Sports Center, and has attacked and devoured many victims. The entire city is threatened! The creature prefers Vegetable Lasagna with meat sauce, but has been spotted lurking near the City Orphanage! A giant Havahart trap has been especially constructed by experts from the Municipal Zoo and it is painstakingly baited with only organically grown ingredients. Wait! There is no garlic bread! Holding the loaf of bread like a football, Gonzalo must become a professional running back and risk death to save the metropolis!
A high school English teacher is forced to diagram sentences by fiendish but mediocre former students. Mistakes call for amputations. Misplaced modifiers “are single knuckle offenses, while Improper Subject-Verb Agreement can result in a “beheading.”
Inspector Baseheart has a bone to pick with Aesop. Why?
Baseheart wonders:
Q: Why don’t people want the stuffed head of a gorilla mounted over the fireplace?
A: They always look like they’re about to make trouble.
A billionaire’s well protected compound has been successfully invaded. The suspected burglar has neutralized the heat and motion sensors and passed unscathed through a minefield. He has surmounted a 12ft. wall topped by electrified razor wire. After all this, how does he prevent a highly trained cadre of Vegan Hunchbacks from tearing him to pieces? Of course it is by donning a Lady GaGa Meat Dress and wearing furry flip-flops! But how was he able to get back out? Only Inspector Baseheart has the answer.
And what is the distinction between a useful fallacy and a misleading factual truth?
Ask Inspector Baseheart. Or read this book.
Arthur Crowley
65 years old. Taught school for 30 years, preschool and elementary. Have two cats I don't particularly like (The feeling is mutual). Married to Sharon. One daughter, Amanda, just graduated from the University of Texas, Austin. Play horeshoes, read, write, try to get enough sleep.
Read more from Arthur Crowley
Inspector Baseheart Returns Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Inspector Baseheart Casebook Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Related to Inspector Baseheart's Secret Files
Related ebooks
Harper Jones: Harper Jones, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Billabong Incident Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsTestimony of the Dead Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPack Dynamics: Bite-Sized: Pack Dynamics Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsGaslighted: Slappy the Ventriloquist Dummy vs. Aloysius Pendergast Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Watch Mommy Die Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Death of a Kootch Show Girl Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsInspector Baseheart Returns Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsYe Gods! A Tale of Dogs and Demons Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Glob, the Monster within Us Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsShady Acres and Darker Places Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHundred Acre Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsStormfall: A Sant Wade, LA PI Novel Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThat is so Wrong! An Anthology of Offbeat Horror: Vol I: That is... Wrong! An Offbeat Horror Anthology Series, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHorse of a Different Color: A Mecana Novel Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsOne Last 5 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsA Vampire's Heart: Ellowyn Found, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBrains: A Zombie Memoir Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Rise of the Transgenics Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Lazarus Trap Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Pain Killers: A Novel Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Serial Killers, Pure Evil: The serial killers, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Complete Files of Detective Thomas Mecana Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDeath Comes a Creeping Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBeyond the Vanishing Point Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsEven the Paranormal Play Sports Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsReclaimed Haven: Murder on Second: Reclaimed Haven, #2 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Ellie Foreman Boxed Set: The Ellie Foreman Mysteries Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe White Trilogy: A White Arrest, Taming the Alien, and The McDead Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Never Cross a Vampire Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Mystery For You
Murder Your Employer: The McMasters Guide to Homicide Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5None of This Is True: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Hallowe'en Party: Inspiration for the 20th Century Studios Major Motion Picture A Haunting in Venice Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Complete Short Stories Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Stories of Ray Bradbury Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Still Life: A Chief Inspector Gamache Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Pretty Girls: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5False Witness: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Hunting Party: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Last Flight: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Good Daughter: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Big Sleep Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Murder Under a Red Moon: A 1920s Bangalore Mystery Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Paris Apartment: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Murder of Roger Ackroyd Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Pharmacist Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Pale Blue Eye: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Pieces of Her: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Woman in the Library: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The People Next Door Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Life We Bury Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Did I Kill You?: A Thriller Novel Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Devil in a Blue Dress (30th Anniversary Edition): An Easy Rawlins Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Write a Mystery: A Handbook from Mystery Writers of America Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Hidden Staircase: Nancy Drew #2 Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The ABC Murders: A Hercule Poirot Mystery: The Official Authorized Edition Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5James Patterson's Alex Cross Series Best Reading Order with Checklist and Summaries Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The River We Remember: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Reviews for Inspector Baseheart's Secret Files
0 ratings0 reviews
Book preview
Inspector Baseheart's Secret Files - Arthur Crowley
Inspector Baseheart's
Secret Files
by
Arthur Crowley
copyright 2011 Arthur Crowley
Smashwords Edition
__The Stories__
Introduction
The Movie Murderer
The Lapdog Murders
The Earwick
Remember the Alamo
He Girl From Ipanema
Gerunds
An Unholy Paradox
Aesop VS Baseheart
The Impossible Crime
No Enemies
List
Gonzalo's Tacos
The Ape Man of Verduke
THE SECRET FILES OF INSPECTOR BASEHEART
INTRODUCTION
by Howard Cress
Why these files were ever kept secret is not immediately known. Inspector Baseheart has always been in the public eye , creating headlines with his magisterial ability for solving the most baffling of mysteries, and for bringing the most heinous of villains - for example, Birman Perez, - to ultimate justice, or to an agonizing, blood-soaked, twitching and screaming, well deserved death.
But also he has been a private soul. Even his closest friends were never entirely certain of his politics, religion, or sexual orientation. Many shameless and lurid tell-all books have been published, and yet the Inspector, head held high, manages to remain above the silage. Possibly in each of these tales there exists a clue – a clue to the psychological make-up of this remarkable man who is the world’s most famed detective since Sherlock Holmes. I really do not know the wellspring of his genius, although I have been his friend for many years, and now that they are no longer secret, you may at last read these captivating tales and draw your own conclusions.
INSPECTOR BASEHEART’S TWO MILLISECOND MYSTERIES
THE MOVIE MURDERER
The headline in the morning newspaper caught Inspector Baseheart’s attention.
SECOND MOVIE THEATER HOMICIDE
NO ARRESTS
Is it tea?
Gonzalo had popped his head in Inspector Baseheart’s door with his customary morning inquiry.
Not yet,
replied the Inspector. He indicated the kitchen. Steep away, old chum!
Gonzalo removed his jacket. But of course.
He began walking toward the teapot.
And I’ll read the news to you while you do so,
offered the inspector.
Tres bien.
I’m duly impressed. Listen to this! A second strangling victim this week was discovered in a movie theater, even as the film continued to run. It was at the Cinemax One Thousand. That’s just around the corner! …. Disgusting.
I was there. I know.
said Gonzalo shaking his head. Murder is never pretty.
I meant that Reubens fellow. The movie they were showing was Pee-Wee Takes a Shower or something. Never mind! What do you mean you were there?
I was there for both incidents. The first was last Tuesday at the Cinemax One Million, or whatever it’s called. It was Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure. I didn’t notice anyone strangling anyone else. Actually I didn’t see anything either time but a body being carried out on a stretcher. I got free passes in the mail for each of them. Quite a coincidence, eh?
Quite.
A murder completely ruins the movie! Let’s say the plot is about someone who is missing and has possibly been done away with. Or has had his bicycle stolen. Let’s say Sherlock Holmes is on the case. He’s about to solve the crime… but here comes this smelly corpse being trundled up the aisle! The movie is ruined! Ruined!
Especially for the victim, I’d venture. Who was he, by the way?
It’s funny you should ask,
said Gonzalo. As they carried the stretcher by my seat, the blanket fell away from his head a bit, and I recognized him. It was Federico Agnichi. He was a big Italian thug and bully at my prep school, Green Hills of Academe. He got himself elected class president.
How did he do that?
By bending our fingers back to our forearms in the bathroom. He sent one kid to the hospital. Little Richard Moody was his name. Cried like a baby, poor thing. I was the only one to visit him. They had put his hand in a cast up to the elbow. I thought it was a terrible injustice and told him so. We made plans to bring the affair before the school board, but one day he just vanished. Nothing came of it after that. He didn’t have a friend in the world.
Baseheart retrieved the newspaper article. Is this name familiar? Robert Pascuale?
Oh yes. He was called BoBo. Another big bully. He was Agnichi’s henchman. Why?
He was the second victim.
Gonzalo rapidly massaged his face with both hands and peeked out between his fingers. This is weird! I knew them – both of them! What do you think, Inspector? I always hated and feared the Agnichi Gang! Private schools always breed the worst miserable scum on earth! And now they’re coming back into my life years later! It’s as if I’m being picked on from beyond the grave!
You are,
answered Baseheart. The question is why?
Gonzalo laughed. You’re joking!
Quite the contrary, old friend. The whole business smells of pre-calculation. The scent of revenge hangs over it.
This is too much damned crime sniffing on your part, if you ask my opinion. Let your nose get some rest!
Good idea! I think I’ll sleep on it.
Inspector Baseheart first sat, then collapsed, on his floral settee and shut his eyes. My ears could do with a respite also,
he muttered. Inside a minute regular breathing had begun.
Gonzalo exited with a smile. Your brain as well,
he whispered.
**
It did happen. This is why:
Sleeping on it,
as often used in reference to problem solving, has been demonstrated in Advanced Education studies to be helpful learning behavior. The sleeping brain not only revitalizes, but also re-organizes and reevaluates recent information. An enigma, seemingly hopeless at bedtime, becomes perfectly clear in the morning. And this was the case when Gonzalo returned to Inspector Baseheart’s apartments the next day.