Love Me or Leave Me

By Lidmila Sovakova

Irene tries to get used to the greyness of Prague: living an independent life is a chilling experience. Can she exist without Beda and his music and still stay whole? This is the sixth volume of the 'Jazz Saga'.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lidmila Sovakova
• Release date: Dec 19, 2009
• ISBN: 9781452311883

Lidmila Sovakova

I was born in Prague, where I lived until emigrating in 1970 to France, England and Germany, eventually settling in Paris in 1982. Multilingual, I received MAs in Russian, Czech and French at Charles University in Prague, a Diploma of English Language and Literature from the Cambridge University, England, and the Doctorat d'Etat in French Literature at the Sorbonne in France. After I moved to Paris I found my niche as a novelist. My first novel, LE NAUFRAGE D'UN POISSON DORE, written in French won the prestigious PRIX EUROPEEN DE LA LITTERATURE in 1984. Its English version, THE DROWNING OF A GOLDFISH was published in 1990 by PERMANENT PRESS - New York. It was acclaimed as "An accomplished new voice from Europe, a promising debut and a moving and understated tale of courage by a young survivor living in a society where just to endure is sufficient victory" (THE KIRKUS REVIEWS, 9/1/90). All my other print books were published by Domhan Books, New York.

Book preview

Chapter One: Just One of Those Things

Irene! Wake up! Do you hear me? Open your eyes! Give me a sign of life! I beg you, Irene! Tell me, why did you want to die? You don't love me. You couldn't have been hurt by my wretched affair with Bessie so much that you'd have wished to die! You do know Bessie doesn't count for me, don't you, Irene?

The meddling voice stirs me from my slumber. Forcing my heavy lids open, I try to focus my eyes on the intruder.

'Go away and let me alone!'

A nauseating smell of antiseptics irritates my nostrils.

An impertinent hand shakes me awake.

Hesitantly, I open my eyes.

The world bathes in whiteness.

The room is lit by the crude, merciless light of fluorescent strips.

I lie on a pristine, narrow bed.

Moaning, I back away from a weighty hand crushing my brow.

Thanks God! She's waking up! The battle is won!

I shrink away from Leo's tears, trickling down my face.

What happened, Leo? Did I have an accident?

If you'd like to call it thus, then yes. In addition to being found by your garden gate about to freeze to death, you had a miscarriage and were lying in a puddle of coagulating blood.

'Good! So this is the silver lining to my grievance.'

How did you know where to look for me?

Egon told me. I gave him an emergency call when it was dawning and you weren't still back home.

Where's Egon? Why isn't he with me?

"I'm not free to tell you. Sorry.

Try to calm down, please, Irene! You have been in a coma for three days. Happily, you're pulling through.

When can I get out of the hospital, Leo?

Not yet, Irene. You're on a drip. You have lost a lot of blood. It will take you some time to recover. We all must have patience, my dear.

I don't see why I should stay here. I hate hospitals! You're a doctor. You can take care of me at home. I promise to stay in bed as long as necessary. Leo, please!

"Okay, Irene. I'll take you home the very moment you get rid of the drip.

There's someone who'd like to see you. Do you think you're strong enough to have company?

Of course I am! Don't be silly! Who is it? Tell me!

Wait and see.

Chapter Two: Something to Live For

You may come in.

Teasingly slowly, Leo is opening the door.

Mamma! What a wonderful surprise! How did you know?

Egon told me. He flew to Zurich to bring me to Prague because Rolf was too busy to accompany me, especially on such a short notice. How are you, Irenchen?

Mamma leans over me with a tender kiss and a huge box that she puts on my bedside table.

These are the best chocolates I've ever tasted. You must try them, Irenchen.

Mamma rips the wrapping open, takes out a chocolate and puts it into my mouth.

"See? Living in Switzerland has its charms. You should give it a try. Why won't you fly with me to Zurich? You need some filling up, Irenchen. You're just skin and bones.

"Here, have another chocolate. Come what may, that's the best cure against the hardships of life, from a broken heart until a bout of fever. Look at me and learn from my experience! Haven't I always been in good health and spirit? My magic formula is chocolates.

"From now on, I'll see to it personally that you not only eat well but also have a good time.

"By the way, last night Egon took me out for a memorable dinner. Unbelievable, this man! He hasn't aged a day. The same old Egon. And still strikingly handsome!

"This makes me think twice about my marriage with Rolf. Egon might be what I need. Of course, Rolf has also a lot of good qualities. Not what you'd call bad looking either, and rich and generous with it. But quite sincerely, he has never turned me on. Of course he's fabulously rich. But what's the use of money if one he doesn't know how to use it?

"Having known Egon closer makes me wonder if Rolf and I are a well-matched couple. All that Rolf knows is work, work, and work. He keeps at his insane working hours, and doesn't ever take me out. Also, he’s too old for me. I don't mean in years, but in spirit.

"It would be great having you in Zurich with me, Irenchen! A girl needs company. Think about it. There's no rush. Presently, I don't intend to go back to Rolf, if ever. Anyhow, I'll stay in Prague with you until you are fully recovered. As your dear grandmother taught me, the first duty of a mother is to her child.

"Once you feel better, I'll ask Egon to take you out with us. He's a super escort! Last night, he invited me to a fabulous night-club for an after-dinner champagne and some lovely dancing.

"Naturally, Egon used to be one of the most coveted bachelors about town. Girls went mad on him! Though I'm rather sure that I could have had him if I’d tried. Which I'd have surely done, were it not for being engaged to your father. Frantisek watched over me like a dragon, giving me no chance to meet any other man. I was the apple of your father's eye, Irenchen. He loved me to excess and burdened me with his devotion. Becoming his wife was a fatal error. I realised it much too late.

"To be quite honest, I had no other choice but to marry Frantisek. Your grandfather was keen of getting rid of me as soon as it was decently possible, not wishing to squander his vanishing money on me any longer. His living standards were excessive and, at that time, he was practically bankrupt.

Sorry, Irenchen! It seems I've gobbled down all your chocolates. Shame on me!

Mamma turns the empty box upside down and puts the last chocolate into my mouth as her ultimate self-sacrifice.

It's quite all right, Mamma. With all those drugs' bitter aftertaste, I couldn't have really appreciated them. So, Egon is back in Prague. I wonder where he stays now, when we're living in his villa.

"I've no idea, Irenchen. He didn't invite me for that famous last drink, if that's what you're hinting at. He behaved like a gentleman. Painfully decent. The same when he was dancing with me. He tried his utmost not to take advantage of holding me in his arms. Alas! He drove me back home, unlocked the door for me, and left me on a hand-kiss.

"Though it was a lovely attention from him to call Mary back from Antibes and having made the villa ready, so perfectly clean and well-heated and Mary looking after me, like in the good old times. She sends you her love. She wanted to come and see you but I told her you're still too weak. Of course, after your release from the hospital, you're very welcome to live with me, Irenchen! I'd be delighted! Please, do!

What time is it? Good Heavens! Past noon! Egon is waiting for me in front of the hospital! Sorry, Irenchen, I have to fly. I'll ring Rolf to send me a couple of chocolates boxes, this time just for you.

She gathers her belongings and disappears in a whiff of alluring perfume to put temptation in Egon’s way.

I wish I could be at her place! Of course, Mamma is still the same ravishing beauty, much better looking than I shall ever be. And so serene and easygoing! I can understand why Egon fell for her after all he had to endure with me!

Why didn't he let me die instead of torturing me by courting mamma!

After a light knock on the door, the lunch trolley is wheeled in and I do my best to put down a couple of bites of my solitary meal, bathed in my tears, and try hard not to think about Egon and mamma, having fun together, Leo, treating Bessie to a lovely lunch, while getting ready for a thrilling siesta.

Does mamma know Egon is in love with ME? Though, is he really?

I ring the nurse and ask her to take the tray away, and to give me a shot so that I can drift off and forget that Egon is betraying me ignominiously with my lovely mamma.

Chapter Three: In the Sentimental Mood

When I wake up, I find Leo sitting by my bedside, absorbed in a medical book.

Good news, my dear, he says pleasantly.

Your laboratory tests are practically back to normal. So there is no reason why to stay in hospital. Where would you like to live after your release, with your mamma or with me? He asks breathlessly, looking square in my eyes.

You don't need to answer right away, Irene. Take your time to think about it, will you?

His longing voice makes me shudder. Maybe Leo loves me. Maybe Leo cares about me. Maybe Leo is what I have been waiting for: my big break.

I will, Leo, I promise. Don't feel obliged to keep me company. I'm sure you've lots to do and I am much better.

Nothing that couldn't wait, Irene. It's a pleasure being with you. And then: there is no one else I'd need or want to see. Bessie and I decided that it would be better to finish our relationship. For both of us. Don't let it put any pressure on you, though. It's purely my decision. Understood?

Understood, Leo, and I'd love to live with you!

He takes my hand and brings it to his lips, setting a seal on our alliance. Wordlessly, we commit ourselves to build something that has never had any occasion to start: to give us our chance on love.

Maybe, just now it's first stir we are feeling for each other, and not just the desperate search for an emergency exit from a no-win situation.

We shall not linger on our botched past. We shall start anew, giving it our all, an opportunity we must not miss, I decide firmly.

Leo puts the book aside and takes me in his arms.

As the saying goes, -Love, like whiskey demands long fermentation-. Its success depends on how much we shall be able to let bygones be bygones and when we shall say I love you, we must forget to whom we swore it before and dismiss our doubts as to how definitive such a vow may be.

There is a fair possibility that this time it will be for keeps. A good romantic fiction has always a spice of truth.

I cuddle up to Leo and shut my eyes.

Chapter Four: Taking a Chance on Love

The headlights throw long, bright tunnels through the snow, piled high on the both sides of the cleared lanes.

Leo brings me home. We decided not to wait a second more to start anew. We, the idealists without false expectations, want to believe that two lovers can be redeemed by their lost illusions.

You're my devil's heaven, Irene!

Leo says, giving me a sharp, all-knowing smile. Hopefully the all is just a rhetorical turn and doesn't include that, at this very moment, I am wondering what exactly mamma is to Egon: an ersatz or his all in all? And, when giving up Bessie, did Leo take a calculated risk or fell in love with me?

Deep in me, I feel cheated. Giving up a scatterbrained Bessie cannot compare with my renunciation of Egon! Is Leo a ladder safe enough to let me escape upwards to the sun? Does Leo expect he shall be my one and only? Could he be right? Is the girl who failed all her former lovers apt to make her husband believe that this time is the only time?

Would you care for a night cap, Irene?

Leo asks, ushering me in.

It has to be a quick one, though. As your family doctor I'd recommend you keeping to early hours during your convalescence.

But I'm not at all sleepy, Leo! To turn and toss in my bed won't do me any good. Why won't we listen to some music or watch a film? By the way, was the DVD player delivered? Before leaving the States we went on a big DVD films shopping spree. I'm sure; Egon put them into my luggage. Why won't we watch one of them?

Oh, now I understand why Egon sent me a DVD player. It is in the study. But, of course, you can have it installed in your room.

We'll see to it later. Would you invite me to your study, just for this one time?

But of course, Irene. Not just for tonight. Do consider the entire house as your own.

He shows me into a spacious room at the end of the corridor, a man's private space, furnished with Egon's refined taste.

Father's former study, as you see. As I scarcely use it, I didn't have a reason to redecorate it. And then, who'd compete with Egon? Feel free to explore it while I’ll take care of the refreshments.

He relieves me of my coat and leaves. The very model of tact, he shuts the door behind him, to show me I am at home and he would never spy on me.

Chapter Five: The Waiting Game

I walk about the study, echoing Egon's taste. It embodies him to the last detail. Elegant, sober, its colourings subdued, this room is the very expression of Egon's lifestyle.

The sparse furniture respects the free rain of movements. An impressive mahogany worktable with a swivel chair in tawny brown leather, drinks cabinet, bookcases against the walls; every single item glistens with the rich, luxuriant sheen of noble wood. The off-white walls, light oak-wood parquet, mellowed with years and an abstract beige and brown designer carpet, compliment each other. No central lighting. Just a highly technical, stainless-steel desk lamp, and off-white enamel spotlights, casting light on the books and upon a magnificent painting in a carved Victorian gilt framing opposite the worktable: Atkinson-Grimshaw's dusky landscape with two figures on a moonlit wood lane, the small one leaning on the big one trustingly.

I stand in front of the painting and lose myself in its magnetism, pulsing on bleakly, bewitchingly, more and more confusing, the longer I look at it. Nothing is as it first appears. Who are those two lonely people? Father and child? Two lost lovers, drifting about an empty world? How do THEY deal with loss? I glare defiance at this puzzle that doesn't allow me to grasp the meaning of the painting until its last piece had been set in.

So Egon