Disturbing Bedtime Tales (For Very Bad People)

By Dean Wilkinson

Disturbing Bedtime Tales is an anthology that takes the medium of the fairytale and fable to new dimensions of dark and twisted, comedic surrealism. From the story of Brasnips the Pisswitch, who terrorises a village by slashing on its vegetable yield, to the fable of The Chronic Arsetronaut, the first sexist man in outer space, these fragmented parables will leave you wide-eyed and wondering if there really is a God.
The Liar, the Witch and the Wardrobe, The Angels of the Garden Shed and Wee Willy Knicker-Sniffer are the cautionary tales the Brothers Grimm nearly wrote but thought better of and the ideas Hans Christian Andersen dismissed as the onset of madness.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dean Wilkinson
• Release date: Aug 19, 2011
• ISBN: 9781908299154

Dean Wilkinson

Dean Wilkinson is a television scriptwriter, novelist and games writer. He was Ant and Dec’s writer for 7 years penning the multi award winning SMTV Live & Chums. He penned 2 series of his own CBBC sitcom Bad Penny starring Graham Fellows (aka comedian John Shuttleworth), as well as 2 series of his sketch show Stupid starring Marcus Brigstock and Phil Cornwell. As a games writer he has written for the entire LittleBigPlanet series, Fantasia : Music Evolved, Driver San Francisco and Worms, amongst many many others. His long writing career has seen him scribbling for Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie, John Cleese, Smith & Jones, Matt Berry, Brian Conley, Noel Edmonds, Chris Barry, Zig & Zag, The Krankies, Simon Pegg and Harry Hill to name drop but a few. Dean is father to three daughters, Emily, Alice and Grace. www.deanwilkinson.net

Book preview

DISTURBING BEDTIME TALES

(FOR VERY BAD PEOPLE)

by

Dean Wilkinson

•

SMASHWORDS EDITION

•

Published by Sixth Element Publishing

Arthur Robinson House

13-14 The Green

Billingham TS23 1EU

Tel: [phone]

Copyright Dean Wilkinson 2011

ISBN 978-1-908299-15-4

Dean Wilkinson asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

•

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

The Liar, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Peter Pump Eater

Old Comfy

Ode to Cornflakes

Kerwinkydink the Gnome

Why I Love Poxy Morons

The Most Evil Man Who Never Lived

Three Blindly Arrogant Mice

The Chronic Arsetronaut

One for Tea

Brasnips the Pisswitch

Wee Willy Knicker-Sniffer

The Angels of the Garden Shed

Centrifugal Force

The Fable of the Emperor’s Massive Cock

Antibumish

Disturbing Bedtime Tales

(For Very Bad People)

Volume 1

A collection of dark, worrying and bloody stupid tales and poems to evoke the best nightmares you have ever had.

by Dean Wilkinson

It’s been a good day; you’ve crushed the confidence of an exasperating workmate. You’ve had a lovely evening and your partner is crying in the toilet in penance for being unsupportive to the point of treason. You’re all sleepy and relaxed after a fiddle o’ the diddle over someone completely out of your league. Slumber will come easily after a few pages of a book etched with a lunatic’s broken fingernails on the wretched folds of Satan’s ball-bag.

And this is it.

Disturbing Bedtime Tales is an anthology that takes the medium of the fairytale and fable to new dimensions of dark and twisted, comedic surrealism. From the story of Brasnips the Pisswitch, who terrorises a village by slashing on its vegetable yield, to the fable of The Chronic Arsetronaut, the first sexist man in outer space, these fragmented parables will leave you wide-eyed and wondering if there really is a God.

The Liar, the Witch and the Wardrobe, The Angels of the Garden Shed and Wee Willy Knicker-Sniffer are the cautionary tales the Brothers Grimm nearly wrote but thought better of and the ideas Hans Christian Andersen dismissed as the onset of madness.

Enjoy.

And… unpleasant dreams.

Warning: NOT for children, the easily upset or anyone in a fragile state of mind.

This book is dedicated to my chum and hero Martin Newell, the greatest living Englishman

www.martinnewell.co.uk

About Dean Wilkinson:

Dean Earle Wilkinson was evicted from his mother’s flossy in 1967 and if he’d have had his own way that would have been their last meeting. He began writing comedy in 1989 for children’s comics which saw him publish his own title Fizog which lasted a staggering three issues. He turned his attention to children’s television and went on to pen episodes and sketches for many shows including The Big Breakfast, Zig and Zag, Byker Grove, Timmy Towers, Comic Relief, Harry Hill’s Shark Infested Custard, Planet Sketch, to name a few. For many years he was Ant and Dec’s writer scripting the multi award winning SMTV Live and Chums. He is also creator and writer of CBBC TV’s Bad Penny and the smash hit sketch show Stupid, and wrote material and Stephen Fry’s scripts for the Sony game LittleBigPlanet. Dean lives in Teesside in the north of England with his current wife, daughters and his morbidly obese cat Budwin Earle Wilkinson.

www.deanwilkinson.net

Also by Dean Wilkinson:

FOR ADULTS:

The Tees Bally Fibber (Volume 1) (foreword by Harry Hill),

The Classic Children’s Television Quiz Book (foreword by Ant and Dec)

FOR KIDS:

The Legend of Arthur King

Arthur King And The Curious Case Of The Time Train

Sarkylocks And The Three Bears

The SMTV Live / CDUK Annual

Many thankington you yous to:

Graeme Wilkinson and Gillie