How Santa Lost His Jollies

By Deborah J Reis

Brimming with laugh-out-loud Santa stories, How Santa Lost His Jollies is a humorous take on Santa “events” from around the globe, from Santa gropers, to flying Santas (Elvis impersonators), to patented Santa traps, and of course, the usual kids (naughty) with their Santa-defying tricks. Fully illustrated, and drawn from genuine, and documented, news articles, How Santa Lost His Jollies reveals the trial and tribulations– even dangerous situations –endured by today’s Santa. Well, not the real Santa, but those jolly old elves who work the trade for dollars.
Admittedly, it was one dark and dismal Christmas Eve when in a desperate attempt to ignite my own holiday spirit, I resorted to dredging up Santa-in-the-news events off the internet. It wasn’t long before I found myself laughing out loud. Therein lies the beginning of How Santa Lost His Jollies -- as well as the crummy feeling one gets upon discovering that the guy who delivered your first bicycle is right now busy getting his nose bloodied and a couple of eyes seriously discolored in a back alley, one quite possibly located near you.
Santa stories, like all holiday stories, are meant to be shared. Accordingly, each Santa news event has been reconfigured to include a short multiple-choice quiz designed to keep both grinches and guests engaged and amused. You already know the scene: Christmas day; cooks in the kitchen; kids squabbling over noisy, blinking toys; teenagers tying up the TV with noisier, electronic games; guys swapping fish stories; and the self-appointed in-law joke-teller laughing at his own dirty jokes. Time to open How Santa Lost His Jollies, assign the family grinch to read the stories out loud and let the cooks, kids, and by now slightly inebriated men-folk guess the punch lines. Only right answers count.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Deborah J Reis
• Release date: Aug 21, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465920546

Deborah J Reis

Deborah J Reis is the mother of four excellent readers and seven grandchildren who also grew to become wonderful readers. While this is important, Deborah also spent her teaching career as a reading specialist in elementary schools, high schools, community colleges and at Northeastern Illinois University, as well as a reading and writing consultant to home-school parents and students. Most notably she has worked as a reading consultant to the Chicago Public Schools and as Reading Coordinator/Consultant to the Partners In Education tutoring program at Chicago’s Fourth Presbyterian Church. Deborah J Reis earned her Master’s Degree in Education, Reading Specialist, from Eastern Washington University. Her blog, http://raisingareadernaturally.blogspot.com welcomes your questions, comments and suggestions. Deborah is now retired and lives and writes on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State.

Book preview

How Santa Lost

His Jollies

By

Deborah J. Reis

Copyright © 2010 Deborah J. Reis

All rights reserved.

Smashwords Edition

Illustrations used with permission

iclipart.com and Microsoft Office.com

Thank you for downloading this ebook. Keep in mind that this book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to purchase their own copy at Smashwords.com. Thank you for your support.

This book is also available in a full-color, fully illustrated print edition.

Acknowledgements

How I marvel at Teri Reis-Schmidt, my in-house editor who works for chocolates. My many thanks for her laughs in the right places, her knowledge and expertise. A special thanks and love to Jack Neiers for his patience with all of this -- and for his excellent photograph of Santa. Thanks also to John Mildenberger for his artistry and guidance in making Santa Claus come alive on the cover of this book.

And, of course, an eternal thank you to the real Santa who continues to live through all of us – no matter what.

Table of Contents

I. You Better Watch Out ….

Santa Sex and Then…

Ho (#?*##!?*!!#) Ho!

Boom

Black Out

And Here’s … Rabies

No More Cookies!

Strung Up

Dial Up

II. Better Not Cry ….

Lov’n Misery

Robo-Santa

AH … HA?

No Santa?

Sacked

Murder

Stressed

III. Better Not Pout ….

Cloned

Right-to-Work

Deck the Malls

Flying Right–on By

Saddle Sore

Blonde vs. Santa

Just Keep on March’n, Santa

Brrrr ….

Banned

More Hot Air

IV. I’m Telling You Why ….

Horny

Picked Pockets

What Happens in Vegas …

More Booze

Rat-A-Tat-Tat

Bottoms Up

Customer Service

Nasty Mail

Jarring

Patent Number 5523741

Caution: All stories are based on real events as reported in the media. Be prepared to have pity on poor Santa….

Introduction

It was Christmas Eve and I was snowbound. Living at the top of a long, very steep, one-lane, twisted and unplowed road, I gazed out the window at the crest of the new fallen snow, or miserable mountainous conditions, and felt my holiday spirit sinking as fast as a shiny, but well-worn boot in the new layer of snow. I thought about Santa, but I knew even he would be hard pressed to reach this place -- although it was Christmas Eve and he had a reputation for ….

Oh, well. In desperation I tried reviving my holiday spirit by pulling up some Santa events from the internet. Before I knew it I was laughing out loud. Therein lies the beginning of How Santa Lost His Jollies --as well as the crummy feeling one gets upon discovering that the guy who delivered your first bicycle is right now busy getting his nose bloodied and