Alien Coffee

By John H. Carroll

Everyone knows aliens secretly live on Earth. What isn’t known is how much they like coffee.

Jillian lives a peaceful life amongst the trees and mountains of Northern Idaho. However, she keeps trying to drink her coffee only to find the cup empty.

When she discovers who has been drinking her coffee, it takes all her willpower to hold onto her sanity. The revelation leads her on the most exciting adventure of her life. When she learns about emo bunnies and the true purpose of snails, it occurs to her that her sanity may be lost forever.

A Colombian drug lord has an alien problem of his own. To make matters worse, the aliens are teenagers.

Aliens, coffee, emo bunnies, snails, teenagers and a Colombian drug lord all take part in this humorous sci-fi romp. It’s hard to tell which is the worst.

• Language: English
• Publisher: John H. Carroll
• Release date: Aug 31, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465778390

John H. Carroll

John H. Carroll was the youngest of seven children and was born in Atlanta, Georgia in 1970 where he was kept in a dresser drawer with the clean socks. Luckily, he wasn’t kept with the dirty socks or else he might have grown up to become slightly warped. As a child, John spent most of his time wandering through the Mojave Desert in an attempt to avoid people. He would stare at the sky, imagining what it would be like to explore different worlds. One of his favorite memories is watching his dad build the fuselage of Evel Kneivel’s skycycle in their garage. One of his least favorite moments was watching that skycycle fall into the Snake River. (Not his dad’s fault and he has documentation to prove it, so nyah) As a teenager, John spent most of his time driving wherever he could in an attempt to avoid people. He would stare at the road, imagining what it would be like to explore different worlds. He was the captain of the chess team, lettered in golf and band while in high school, and wasn’t beaten up anywhere near as much as one might imagine. As an adult, John spends most of his time staring at a computer screen in an attempt to avoid people. He stares at the monitor for hours, imagining what it would be like to explore different worlds. Occasionally, he looks around to see what’s happening on planet Earth. Quite frankly, it frightens him. He’s just going to do his best to write as many books as he can before aliens disintegrate humanity for being so irritating. Emo bunny minions surround John at most times. He is their imaginary friend and they look to him for guidance. At one point, they took over the world. No one noticed because they left everything exactly as it was. They gave the world back after a week because it was depressing. The Ryallon Series is his most popular endeavor into the field of writing. His Stories for Demented Children have lightened the hearts of many strange children and adults. He writes in the evenings and weekends whenever possible.

Book preview

Alien Coffee

John H. Carroll

Published by John H. Carroll at Smashwords

Written by John H. Carroll. Copyright 2013 Matthew and Juli Spielmen

Cover image created by John H. Carroll. Copyright 2013 Matthew and Juli Spielmen

This story is dedicated to my best friend, who constantly tries to drink from an empty cup.

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real aliens, living or dead, is purely coincidental . . . so far as you know.

Names have been changed to protect the aliens.

Table of Contents

Beginning

About the Author

Jillian tried to take a sip of coffee while staring at misspelled words in the story she was editing for a client. It wasn’t until she tilted the cup almost vertical that she realized it was empty. She stared at the bottom of the barren mug before setting it back down with a grunt of disgust. It was the third time her cup had inexplicably gone empty that morning. She could trudge downstairs to make a fresh pot, but didn’t want to. Knowing her, she’d probably load the dishwasher and clean cat puke from the carpet again.

Melodic chirping of birds drifted through the open window. Jillian walked over to soak in the beautiful spring morning. A light breeze carried the scent of pine trees and cool forest air. She inhaled deeply, feeling tension in her shoulders release. A young bull moose bellowed a baritone moan from the thick trees below, startling her.

The amount of wildlife outside her house never ceased to amaze Jillian. Bears, raccoons, wolves, deer and numerous smaller animals traveled through the secluded mountain forests.

Summertime drew tourists to zip around nearby lakes and camp along the shorelines, but Jillian’s house was far enough away not to be bothered. In the distance, she saw a few boats floating on the tranquil waters, high from spring runoff. It was too far away to tell if the people were fishing or just out for pleasure underneath the clear blue skies.

Jillian stretched muscles tight from hunching over manuscripts. She stared at the empty mug before picking it up with a sigh and heading downstairs.

Half an hour later, the dishwasher was loaded and two spots where the cats had thrown up were clean. She returned to her work.

The manuscript was another paranormal romance. It consisted of a misunderstood zombie-vampire who was in love with a weretroll. There were so many mistakes it looked like her red pen was bleeding all over it. Jillian called upon all her willpower not to start a fire and throw it in.

She went to take a sip of her coffee only to realize she hadn’t brought it with her. With a groan of exasperation, Jillian stomped downstairs to retrieve it. It was sitting on the counter, half-empty. I must have been drinking it while loading the dishwasher.

A few minutes later, she was back at her desk, deep into editing. Time passed as she fixed extra words, unnecessary sentences and numerous punctuation errors. The writer had decided everything needed semicolons instead of commas. Jillian sighed and attempted another drink of coffee.

It was empty. Again! She swore she hadn’t had drunk it all. With a growl of frustration, Jillian slammed her pen on the manuscript and stood up. She grabbed the cup and stomped down the stairs.

Fifteen minutes later, she climbed back up the stairs with a bowl of fresh cut fruit. Jillian set it on the computer desk. Before sitting, she stomped down the stairs to get the coffee she had forgotten yet again.

A short while later she was reading an article on how ereaders were nearing their death. It seemed silly considering they had only just become popular. Before taking a drink, she looked at the cup. Sure enough, it was empty again. Jillian was certain she had only taken a couple of sips.

Alright! Who drank my coffee?! She hopped to her feet. Raymond, are you doing this? Jillian knew her husband wasn’t there, but couldn’t think of who else might be taking her coffee. In frustration, she stormed to the stairs.

At the top step, she slammed hard into something unseen. Jillian froze in shock. Everything was still and silent for a brief moment before a vague silhouette appeared halfway down the stairs. It tumbled to the bottom in a blur. The thud of a body hitting the bottom was abrupt and loud.

An alien materialized.

Jillian stared.

Its skin was yellow-green and mottled, appearing somewhat slimy. The being wore a tight silver suit with a utility belt and a holstered gun attached to one of its three legs. The limbs were set at even intervals, two to the sides and one behind like a tripod. Its face was wide with three horizontal, deep-set blue eyes. It had four ears, two set vertically on each side of its oversized bald head. Its mouth was a tubular appendage with big puckered lips like those found in a bad comic book.

You pushed me down the stairs, dude! That hurt! Odd sounds came from the puckered lips while the words Jillian heard emitted from the collar of its silver suit. The translated voice was high pitched and nasal, yet sounded vibrant as though spoken with a human’s tone.

The creature grabbed a railing with one of its three hands and stood up. Each arm had three fingerlike appendages with suction tips like an octopus. It was comprised of threes: three arms, three legs and three eyes. The four ears and one mouth seemed out of place. Jillian didn’t see a nose.

Dude! Are you going to stare at me like a nitwit? You pushed me down the stairs and broke the invisibility thingy. The alien smacked a square silver box on the left side of its belt a few times. The device had a blue pad that looked to be cracked. All three eyes focused on her. I know you can speak. How about an apology, Jillian?

Jillian opened her mouth to speak, but instead let out a long, piercing shriek of terror.

The