If Only, If Only: A Collection of Magical and Humorous Short Stories

By Lennox Mumpsfield

We at Ferly Media hope ― no, we know you will enjoy this anthology fiction by indie author, Lennox Mumpsfield. The only reason he's using a pen name here is because he doesn't want the legions of fans beating his front door down to force him into storytelling slavery. This is the only volume of humorous short stories in history to have sold trillions of copies on launch day. Join the craze!
This amalgam of retail stories and fantasy short stories will delight and amuse the whole family. The philosophical stories in this volume alone are enough to make this new reading for the entire populace someday in the new world order that is sure to be ushered in by this ground-breaking and earth-shattering piece of literature.
The Angel of Death, famously camera shy and plagued with interview aversion, graces the pages of anthology fiction for the first time. You saw it here first! This philosophical fiction will change your life.
I know you're probably looking at your cat right now going “Um, actually I don't think I want to read these science fiction stories.” Don't be embarrassed or intimidated. No need to feign disinterest. No need! Your cat will be jealous when it hears about your adventures with talking cats Lunker and Griswold.
What happens when robots take over the world and start forming android gangs and incarcerating one another? These science fiction stories might be able to tell you.
For those of you with a more practical mindset, this humorous fictional anthology has many lessons for those who hope to avoid basic screw ups when dealing with scrupulous and unscrupulous representatives of the criminal justice system.
Ever been reminded of the movie Groundhog Day when playing a first person shooter video game? In a science fiction story in this volume, exactly that happens to an average teenage sweaty gamer. What will be his fate? Will he control his fate or will it be determined by his environment? Get your own copy now to find out what happens!
Lennox is a real magician, as you'll see in the last story of this tome. He doesn't need a captive audience to tell his stories, but he's provided one to entertain you, the real audience. What a guy! Let Mr. Mumpsfield be your tour guide as you explore the cutting edge of contemporary fiction. You haven't lived until you've read this fictional anthology. Can this volume be considered a cult classic? If you consider trillions of people a cult, then yes.
If there's one common theme running through all of the fictional short stories in this volume, it is magnificence. Magnificence of quality. Quality that you can't help but adore. Adore it you will, resist you cannot. Cannot help but rave about the best book you've ever read? Read it once, and still had an indescribable urge to keep reading so read it fifty more times? Times, times! A sign of the times!
Betimes we at Ferly Media sit down by the fireside with several gallons of hot apple cider and begin to sift through the millions of submissions we get every day from aspiring authors. But then we realize, why on earth would we publish any of those dreadful manuscripts when the person who started our publishing company, Lennox Mumpsfield, is the greatest author of all time? From indie author to all star, Lennox is the next new thing. Don't you want to be able to say you were a huge fan way before being a fan was the coolest thing? Before being a fan was written into the U.S. Constitution and mandated along with the payment of income taxes?
Look, we don't want to pressure you. If you don't want to buy the book, don't buy the book. That's your choice. We're just trying to inform you of a fact, that not buying this book and not liking are both physical impossibilities. I mean, don't you want to know if you're about to consider something that's a physical impossibility? It's beneficent of us, is what it is.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lennox Mumpsfield
• Release date: Jan 21, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310825170

Lennox Mumpsfield

I like autodidacticism, spaced repetition, language, writing.

Book preview

If Only, If Only: A Collection of Magical and Humorous Short Stories

Lennox Mumpsfield

Published by Lennox Mumpsfield at Smashwords

Copyright 2014 Lennox Mumpsfield

This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only, and may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share it with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Amazon, Smashwords, or another book vendor and purchase your own copy. You have the sincerest gratitude of this author for respecting his hard work.

Notice: All of the following characters, events, places, entities, and objects are purely fictional, and any resemblance to real or actual people, events, places, entities, or objects is purely coincidental. This book is for your amusement only.

Published by Ferly Media: A Fake Publishing Company That Doesn't Exist.

Written by Lennox Mumpsfield: A Pseudonymous Author Who Doesn't Want To List His Real Name Here.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 - A Lunker Down Clabberwynd Alley

Chapter 2 - I, Swyers!

Chapter 3 - Consider My Rights Asserted, Bucko

Chapter 4 - Tactical Retail Warlocks

Chapter 5 - Enteracora

Chapter 6 - Joking About Death

Chapter 7 - XFOX Wire

Chapter 8 - Robot Prison

Chapter 9 - That Little Country Between Lithuatvia and Deutschmark

Chapter 10 - A Captive Audience

Chapter 1 - A Lunker Down Clabberwynd Alley

And in that day, there was a cat of the alley named Griswold whose wit was keen and whose fists were mean. He had a tough, black hide that was beautiful to behold, but terrifying to consider if you found yourself on the cusp of a physical altercation with it, kind of like a cast iron frying pan.

Griswold often took to the company of a fat, yellow house cat, named Lunker, who lived nearby. Oh! Look, there comes Lunker now...

Hey, Griswold! Um, you know that new cat, Jonesy, who's been lurkin' in that alley over off of 23rd and Mulrose Court? Word on the sidewalk is he's got it out for you. Better watch out 'coz I'm not always gonna be around to save yo' bootay. I got a family! So what garages are we casing today, pal!? I'm so bored from sittin' inside all day, I'm just waitin' for some punk to come and mess with me. Where's—

Lunker! interrupted Griswold. Focus. Keep your head on straight or we won't even be able to hit up half the good milk spots this side of the tracks before you gotta go home.

Griswold started down the far side of the alley with tall grass bordering the soccer field. Lunker was silent for a short spurt, but by the time they reached the far side of the neighbor's garage, he had started up again.

You really gotta lighten up dude. You always seem like you're in a mood to crack a dang safe, not a smile.

Griswold paused while pulling up the bottom of a pliable plank for Lunker to squeeze through to access the neighbor's backyard, and then said, My mood is never without reason. Today I happen to be mourning the death of an agnate relative. Not all of us can control our emotions in the midst of such distress.

I don't know about your Aunty Agnes or whatever, but—

Keep moving or they'll know I'm here and then there won't be milk for the likes of either of us. In truth, there was no dead relative that day. Griswold could hardly come up with lies fast enough to keep Lunker's mouth shut and their charade afloat.

Lunker started his act near the door to the garage from the backyard. The plaintive meows and nyans reached Griswold's ears, and the black cat began to tap his foot impatiently. Dinner and a show. Good thing I never tire of his virtuoso performances.

An old lady, with an intellect and ears aged and unable to discern the desperate cries of a creature in need from the phony catcalls of a con artist, emerged from the rear of the squat, brick house. In one hand she carried a bowl of milk, and in the other a small tin. Sardines! I hope that pompous idiot doesn't think I can't smell those fish from this side of the fence.

After the lady returned to the house and they heard the confirmatory click of her rear screen door, Griswold turned around and slid away a portion of the bottommost outer wooden panel of the garage siding. It had rotted and detached from the building, revealing an easy access point for feline felons like himself.

Lunker stopped stuffing his face as soon as he caught sight of Griswold, who took the former's forced gulp of a semi-masticated bolus as a chance to make an important point. Tell me, friend. What is the first rule of our little venture?

Lunker looked away briefly, and when his gaze once more met Griswold's, the tough cat could tell he was about to say something stupid so cut him off. "Never! Never, never, never!