This Mirror in Me

By Denis Fitzpatrick

This novel tells the story of Tonia Esqurit Ailbe's unusual Saturdays ritual, staring at herself in her dressing table mirror and actively socialising with friends and family. It is the only way, for one reason or another, that Tonia, a mathematics professor, can achieve her lifelong desire of having her own domicile as a social hub, a vibrant home. But can the ritual last? Is Tonia slowly going insane?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Denis Fitzpatrick
• Release date: Feb 23, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311584687

Denis Fitzpatrick

I began writing in 1986 at the age of 14 as a result of finishing (at the time) The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant. My first publication was Bearing all Gods and Goddesses, an anthology published by Independence Jones, an independent publishing house, whom have labelled me 'Sydney's hippest writer' as well as 'the hippest of off-beat writers.' They published my next book, King Street Blues, a positive tale of my experiences with homelessness in the inner cities of Sydney and Melbourne. My current book is These Very Wise Voices, available on iBooks, and is a discussion of ancient secrets revealed to me by voices that only I was able to hear, a result of my diagnosed schizophrenia for which I have been in a full remission since 2010.Writing is very much a compulsion for me and is the only thing that gives my life meaning. This meaning I project in my work by creating motivated characters, uplifting themes, and never swearing (although in my second novel MS, the 'f' word is mentioned heartily several times in a short paragraph.) I plan to continue this noble vision of mine until my very last moment.

Book preview

This Mirror in Me

Denis Fitzpatrick

Smashwords edition. © Denis Fitzpatrick, 2010-2013

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used, reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher, except where permitted by law, or in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Contents

Chapter One: Tonia

Chapter Two: Donnchadh

Chapter Three: Damyan

Chapter Four: Mauritia

Chapter Five: Eve

Chapter Six: David

Chapter Seven: Sonia

Chapter Eight: Elizabeth

Chapter Nine: Hotaru

Chapter Ten: Marya

Chapter Eleven: Leisha and Fancy

Chapter Twelve: Mauritia and Fancy

Chapter Thirteen: Tonia and Donnchadh

Chapter Fourteen: Donnchadh and David

Chapter Fifteen: Hotaru and Elizabeth

Chapter Sixteen: Fancy and Sonia

Chapter Seventeen: Mary and Elizabeth

Chapter Eighteen: Hotaru and David

Chapter Nineteen: Sonia and Hotaru

Chapter Twenty: Mary and Donnchadh

Chapter Twenty-One: Hotaru and Tonia

Chapter Twenty-Two: Mauritia and Leisha

Chapter Twenty-Three: Hotaru and Mauritia

Chapter Twenty-Four: Tonia and Justin

About the Author

For my parents, Mr Denis Fitzpatrick, LLM, and Ms Mary Esther Fitzpatrick, Esther, who both eventually learned.

Thank you also to Ms Louise D. K. Fraser for her comprehensive editorial input.

Chapter One

Tonia

Tonia Esqurit Ailbe had a very, very guilty pleasure. Mind you it was not a completely ancient indulgence, as on this day, at the start of the cold summer of 2012, it became exactly three years of age in its observance. It was an obeisance that she adhered to strictly as well, always believing from early childhood and forward that if one is going to go about these things one ought to do so as perfectly as possible. Tonia had found her most secret, her most guilty pleasure possible, in a ritual, revealed after some small vino, alone, again, in her apartment. She had named the rite ‘The Ever Presence’ and the idea for it had occurred about five years after she received her PhD, which she was awarded at the age of thirty-five. She then joined the academic staff of the Aus Central University after choosing to complete a postgraduate teaching course. The primary cause of the ritual’s birth was that although she had a veritable world of luxuries at home in her two bedroom flat – with study and ensuite – she also had a profusion of quiet nights, with only classical music quietly playing and Tonia working overtime on some university papers. Despite her wishes most of her time at home was spent alone.

‘The Ever Presence’ was conceived suddenly, name and all: she could in all likelihood commune with whomsoever she wished with a simple wardrobe put on standby, a collection of clothing chosen more or less at random, and her own dreamy, wandering reflection in a mirror. A fertile imagination such as hers could furnish the presence of friend and foe alike. She would wander from her own thus enlivened home to the enlivening homes of others and back to her own lively flat again. It is the closest she ever seems to come to having a friendly domicile. The mirror indeed was once considered to be magickal, easily capable of this witching feat. She did not limit herself in her imaginings, though, to using the mirror as the sole medium for companionship. She often wandered about her flat conversing with friends in her mind’s eye. But the mirror was the real magickal channel.

‘And magickal still,’ she said to herself. Briefly in her late teens, Tonia had become interested in magick from a scientific point of view, curious as to whether or not one could influence one’s local environment at a fundamental level. Naturally she wanted to influence reality for gain, but then we all strive to gain unquestioned security. Her magickal studies stopped after six months when she realised that she didn’t need spells in order to influence her environs, she only needed her environs.

Today’s anniversary though was having unforseen developments. Wondering if she was taking it a bit too seriously, manically awaiting every Saturday, she looked quizzically at herself.

‘Don’t worry about it Toney, no-one knows, and like you’ve said before it harms no-one. In fact, it does net good, keeping you consoled.’ She knew that it was a relatively harmless rite, a unique ritual with its complete audience of one and the perpetuation of gladness all around, and it was nice to hear that confirmed. And the fact that it was a sole imagining made it both simple and whole.

Tonia’s loneliness had naturally not been self-imposed, but friends were allowed over only if they rang beforehand, or if she invited them over. Those few times when someone did turn up unannounced Tonia was sure to highlight the fact of their etiquette breach. During such sparse social calls Tonia always felt forced to direct the conversation, skilfully from a technical point of view, but the guest invariably did not stay long, even the guests that she invited. A glass of wine and they were off. It was a problem that she had not prepared for.

She had also named her weekly ritual ‘The Ever Presence’ with a deliberate pun on the last word, ‘Presents.’ She has this thing for presents which she well knows is quite ridiculous. Either way, having received gifts generously when growing up, not only on her birthdays and at Christmas, these days she can be particularly insistent when it comes to socially required gifting. Tonia puts considerable effort into her gift-giving. She is naturally on the lookout for things that family, friends or work colleagues mention that they need. None of her work colleagues need her though, refusing to lust after her lingerie at any opportunity at all. But lusting discreetly nonetheless. Thank goodness, I suppose. Tonia only needs friends.

Socialising for Tonia is finer than wine, especially considering that conversation, that pleasant, positive engagement, only results in bliss, equivalent with the elation of love. Not to mention that it’s a bliss requiring little cash. At some moments when she is laughing with the students she visits she inevitably becomes sure that those gathered over the Chardonnay have regained their innocence again, within a home she recalled from dreams.

Tonia continued smiling at her reflection, imagining those she loved in different ways. Loved as friends, loved as lovers and loved as enemies. She had only imagined her enemies once, two girls from high school, Jody and Karen, and their payback had been Tonia’s realisation that she was better balanced. Tonia had never felt the compunction to bully. The two girls had never returned to bother her, even on her bad days, frowning constantly at herself from the reflection. And sometimes Tonia had some bad days when she mumbled inaudibly to herself. Granted, it was an intermittent muttering and only arose when she was in a cantankerous mood. But, still. The mirror demanded sane, sensible sentiment and drew such moods into the ether.

Tonia’s ‘Ever Presence’ was a discovery that also enabled a closer observation of her entire Universe, but the ritual she would never reveal to any soul, living or dead. She was not ashamed of it, but well knew that anyone she told would think her extremely odd. Far easier not to admit to anything. She had imagined telling her university colleagues of her unusual meditation technique, explaining it as a way of understanding life better through analysing relationships. True to form they had outrightly sneered at her from the mirror, not only questioning her sanity but questioning her character in general. She only envisaged her confession only once and sometimes has, if not nightmares, then assuredly very weird dreams involving her sealed within Purgatory timelessly, endlessly confessing to the enjoyments of her life.

‘I wouldn’t mind revealing ‘The Ever Presence,’’ she said to herself. ‘I could get some new ideas on improving the ceremony. And maybe I could get one or two of them to join me. Not that I don’t mind my own company but I am after all a social animal. I’m really going to have to do something about that. Maybe I will invite a few people over to join me. Nice to have a small, lively party.’

Thus, like every other Saturday, Tonia was staring at herself from the dressing table mirror, breakfasted and teeth brushed, intending to remain there and to stare at herself until this time tomorrow morning, 8 am She would sleep all day Sunday, after a replete Sabbath indeed. It was now 8:02 am Tonia began proceedings by affirming,

‘The classes remain bright.’

Toney loved her work. It was what she had always wanted to do, wishing to remain amongst the harmonious beauty of Nature. She is a Mathematics Professor, having realised that she had a native talent for Maths when she was ten years of age. By the same token, however, it had become very narrow there for a short while.

She was in the maths hour at primary school, which she always spent in flinging the wooden ‘Unit’ cubes off of the ‘Tens.’ She had become very popular for that. Then one day the teacher took her aside and asked her to answer a few maths problems.

Toney knew this was serious.

The teacher asked her to solve a few problems with the counters. Addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. They tried them all, Miss Angela being not at all hesitant to push the flighty child to her limits. Miss Angela knew the child was smart, like all girls, but she was bound to ensure that she wasn’t falling behind, or had some developmental disorder just burgeoning. Tonia, despite her inner feelings, did not seem in any way stressed by the impromptu exam, which Miss Angela noted with surprise, and she answered all of her questions quickly. Without effort it seemed.

Toney passed, with flying colours. She got every problem correct. Miss Angela was very impressed, deciding that the child could play with the counters (which the other children took so very seriously) howsoever she liked. The other children of course were jealous at this preferred treatment and Miss Angela told them that if they could all get a perfect score like Tonia on a class quiz then they wouldn’t do Maths for the remainder of the year. This motivated the pupils quite well.

Miss Angela’s impromptu exam had frightened Toney far more than she would ever let any of the other pupils or teachers know, completely realising that if she had failed she would have been held back a year. Imagine! Every young student’s nightmare. How so very embarrassing! Baby! Baby! Baby! would be the children’s derisive cry throughout her schooling.

So she buckled down to the maths study, to the point where she was among the top students of Level A Mathematics pupils taking the final senior high school exams. Mind you her humanities studies were not as greatly above average as she was anticipating. She found humanities subjectivity insubstantial and so they simply did not interest her. Early on she chose to spend the resultant free time in reading science fiction. Her parents were not at all impressed with this attitude, didn’t know what caused it, but they had always taught her to value her own happiness as paramount to herself. Her parents, Liam and Cadence Ailbe, did not try to talk her out of her choice of science fiction instead of serious study (she could reasonably expect to work towards getting in the top one percent of the state) but did mention to her that study was as much for her enjoyment as the novels she read.

Liam Ailbe did not impose his will on his daughter in most matters, wanting her youth to be as peaceful as his had been – if you can call living in abject poverty happiness, with nine other brothers and sisters to compete with. Liam had grown up in third world conditions in Ireland, and he now laughs when telling of being seated with his brothers and sisters around a huge pot of mashed potato (thankfully with butter and milk) on the dirty floor and each of them trying to get as much mash as possible. His brothers and sisters all shared equally, each to their own needs however, and after the meal the adventure of their microcosm continued. They were happy – all of them still are – and Liam had always pointed out to his offspring that happiness lies with family. Irrespective of the problem or the party, Tonia can rely on her family, even if it is only her elder brother, Damyan.

Cadence Ailbe nee Depaul, on the other hand, had migrated from France after University, having qualified for a Bachelor of Psychology from the University of Lyon. Her family were almost fabulously wealthy, having gained their wealth through industry, saving and investing over centuries. Eight centuries says the family legend on the matter. Cadence and her young brother, Gilles, and elder sister, Aimee, were denied none of their earnest desires when growing up but her parents continue to deny themselves even the most basic treat, saving the money for future Depauls. This denial was a habit in the Depaul family and something Cadence and her siblings eventually absorbed. Her parents are still probably be saving and investing in their retirement, quite content to sit with each other and while the day away. So did Cadence, after having had taught the skill to Liam.

Cadence’s parents had arranged a job for her in a pharmaceutical company, in their marketing department, after receiving her Master’s degree, but Cadence wanted to migrate as far as possible in order to test herself.

Cadence and Liam had met as flatmates in Redfern. She was looking for a lecturing position, had received her Diploma of Education, and Liam had just applied to the University of Sydney at the age of twenty-six. He was starting off with a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature. Cadence was twenty-five when they met, having less than two whole years ago arrived from France.

‘And the rest is history,’ said Toney. She smiled, responding to herself in the reflection.

University was okay, studying for a Bachelor of Science, and Tonia chose to major in mathematics and physics with the intention of working in a university. Since Mama lectured in Psychology and Papa lectured in English Literature, they preferred to let the specialists look after her mathematics education, but always strove to answer any of Toney’s queries, maths related or otherwise.

But she didn’t get into Honours Science. Her parents were upset again, believing that that was the only way to become the head of a department. Tonia wasn’t so sure. Tonia’s high sense of self-worth, always being positively minded, could only result in her leading the stimulating life of a professor, with due industry. Sure, she had to go the long way around, but a professor she would be! Continued greatness would naturally grow.

‘The classes indeed remain very bright,’ said Toney to her reflection.

‘Thanks to the good job Papa and Mama got you.’ Tonia turned out to be a great lecturer, knowing when to pause at the crucial moments of her instruction, to let the point sink in, varying her enunciation when new words were introduced, and she judiciously repeated key concepts. Her first day lecturing was, while not a disaster, certainly more error ridden than is healthy. The students were sympathetic, resigning themselves to the additional study needed to understand what Tonia was trying to teach them. Tonia went straight home after work that day and practiced her lecturing style in the living room, gesturing from behind her armchair to a rapt audience of bottles taken from the fridge and pantry. She had, after her successful Master’s, chosen a year to study teaching but this extra practice was sorely needed. Things went much finer after that.

‘Well, what will we do today?’

‘I don’t know. I suppose Luna is out of the question?’ Tonia was fascinated with Luna because very few people could tell when the moon was in its waxing or waning stage. Well, the Kalahari tribe’s people no doubt knew the difference, but a lot of her highly intelligent lecturing companions had no notion of such a simple observation. She had as a child learned how to read if Luna was waxing or waning from an astronomy book. She thought it important to know at the time. Really, we should all know that.

‘Yes, Luna is out of the question. One can wonder only so much over the fact that it doesn’t rotate.’ Tonia nevertheless considered this fact of Luna being a companion that always confronted her the same way every time. She was concerned for Luna, worried about her forever keeping her dark side hidden. Surely that was extremely unhealthy, always keeping one’s dark side hidden?

So, why does Luna ever hide her dark side? Her mother had taught her to never be ashamed of any wrong she perpetuated, but to correct it as soon as possible, dispassionately, and to learn from the whole experience. Her mother had taught her that we all have our good and bad sides and someone healthy has both halves well balanced. It was a problem that Tonia actually did not like to consider, having had to teach herself to accept the fact that Luna had no evil whatsoever. Barring a direct asteroid hit Luna is guaranteed to smile endlessly. And remember that its Terra’s shadow not Luna’s that shades that shining visage.

When she visited Luna at some future developed stage she largely strolled around the bright side because that’s where the domes were. She watched the men and women in the brightly lit enclosures, large terraforming equipment nearby and waiting, apparently studying survey maps. She could see men and women only, neither children nor elderly, and all of the domes contained their own buzzing frenzy. She herself could not be seen because they were not expecting anyone else, quite reasonably feeling safe that only a select few could travel there. She had considered making her presence known and so become a part of a group, to share in all of their secrets and adventurous lives, but she had decided that she could learn more by eavesdropping.

‘How about Mars?’ Mars was her second favourite planet to visit (she has been shown by one of her old physics lecturers that Luna, her favourite, is actually a small planet) because of NASA’s renewed, fervent interest in the planet. It was not a place she would like to live on – visit, yes, but she had resolved to remain Terra bound if space travel became common in her lifetime. She would certainly fulfil her mirrored visions with their reality but she had, subconsciously, already chosen the bed that she would pass away in. That bed is not moving anywhere from its present spot. She hoped.

‘Maybe later.’

‘So what’ll we do?’

‘Visit Donnchadh?’ Her first boyfriend. Toney was still in love with his clever boots self which tends to make it hard when someone clean hits on her at the pub. They always begin with mentioning her luxuriant dark hair. Not that she minds such gentlemanly attention but she does feel a certain loyalty to what she and Donnchadh had shared. And she did not expect it again.

‘I don’t want to see him.’

‘You’ve never had a problem before.’ Tonia had called him up on occasion, true, but it was not a habit that she wished to acquire. More to the point, she had made efforts to ensure that such a habit never developed. He always seemed busy when she visited and he seemed as if he wanted to be somewhere else. She still remembered his birthday, the American Independence Day, and celebrated with a birthday party in front of the mirror. For the cake she had just two chocolate muffins with a candle in their centres. The indulgence she allowed herself only because it was once a year and she was careful not to get too drunkenly laughing with him until she passed out with overexcitement. During the years when she forgot his birthday party she made up for it later by a more sombre celebration: a chocolate and a packet of crisps with something fizzy to drink, not necessarily in front of the mirror though.

‘Yeah but, really, he’s gone, it’s a sickness to cry over spilled milk. You’re here, Toney, and that’s all we need; it’s only number one that counts.’

‘So what’ll we do? You’ve got your outfits all out and selected by Chance, there’s food and drink aplenty. What’ll we do?’

Maybe Donnchadh after all? He was such a cutey, so innocent, so smart, yet such oceans of common sense. He wanted to work as a theoretical physicist, and maybe build a lab of his own at home. Well, not at home but certainly within very close proximity to his home. He approached his studies sincerely and Tonia had never seen him at the university bar. His exam results were high but he eventually did not complete his Science degree. ‘If we were to see Donnchadh would we have to talk with him? Could we just look? And imagine.’

‘That’s up to you. You