Amy's Answering Machine: Messages from Mom

By Amy Borkowsky

Does your mother call you in a panic whenever there's a storm warning for your area? Does she act as though it's her duty to alert you to every health story on the news? Have you ever been briefly out of touch with your mother only to find she's phoned everyone short of the National Guard to track you down -- or, just maybe, are you that mother?
Take comfort in knowing you're not alone, as Amy Borkowsky shares more than a decade's worth of maddening phone messages from her hilariously overprotective mom. Based on the hit CD of the same name, Amy's Answering Machine features actual messages in which Amy's mom warns her not to wear a red bathrobe because a friend's grandson "said that red is a gang color"...advises her not to get a cat because "what if you finally found a nice guy and he was allergic?"...cautions her not to wear crepe-soled shoes because "they were just saying on the news that if you're ever in a plane crash, crepe is no good if you have to go down the slide."
Amy also reveals the stories behind the messages and shares calls not available on CD, each one brimming with the worry and annoying comments only a loving mother could dish out.
The same warnings and suggestions that had Amy cringing are sure to have you doubled over with laughter. But before you turn the page, take some advice from Amy's mom: Make sure you have plenty of reading light, because squinting causes crow's feet.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Atria Books
• Release date: Feb 15, 2002
• ISBN: 9780743444576

Book preview

THE MESSAGE BEFORE THE MESSAGES

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A lot of people who are driven to the point of insanity report hearing voices—voices commanding them to stalk, maim, or even kill.

Then there are people like you and me. We also hear voices that leave us at the brink of our sanity, only these voices are commanding us to zip up our jackets or eat enough roughage.

The voiceswehear don't come from God but from someone much more powerful.

Our mothers.

The only difference between any other adult who's being driven nuts by her mother and me is that I just happened to have saved my mother's voice on the microcassettes from my answering machine.

In fact, I've been saving almostallmy answering machine messages for well over a decade.

Recently, I released a CD of my mother's messages through my Website at sendamy.com. Judging by the flood of email I've been getting, I'm not alone in having a mother who uses the phone lines to stay waytooconnected—a mother who offers constant advice on what to eat, how to dress, and who to date.

It doesn't help that the phone companies have been fighting a rate war, resulting in long-distance charges as low as five cents a minute and local calling plans with unlimited usage. As in any war, who suffers the most? It's the children—people like you and me whose mothers now havenothingholding them back whenever The Urge to Call strikes.

With all the advances in telecommunications— from answering machines that our mothers commandeer to cell phones that let them track us wherever we go—it's not Big Brother watching over us.

It's Big Mother.

So allow me to take you on a journey to the land of Overprotection, as I share messages from a mother who seems to think the phone cord is an umbilical cord.

You'll notice that I make liberal use of phrases such as I love my mother, but, As much as we love our parents, and I know my mother means well, but. Basically, these are road signs indicating Sharp Criticism Ahead, and I use them because I don't want to feel guilty.

And even though it's hard to remember sometimes, I use these phrases because they're true. I do know how lucky I am to have a mother who cares so much. Friends who've lost their mothers tell me how difficult it is when they realize that they'll never again find another person so totally focused on their well-being.

The most devoted friend, lover, or even husband would never call you in a panic to warn you of the dangers of nylon-crotched panties. And they wouldn'tdreamof advising you to alternate which side you wear your purse on so your shoulders don't get uneven.

As you flip through this book, smiling and maybe even laughing yourtuchasoff at my existence under Mom's Rule, a few questions may come up.

First, you may wonder why my mother calls me Amila (pronounced AY-muh-luh) when my name is actually Amy. The answer is that, as a classic Jewish mother, my mom follows the tradition of adding an ila to my name as a term of endearment. (This is probably why you rarely hear of a Jewish girl named something like Lola—her mother would then have to call her Lola-ila, which doesn't roll very smoothly off the tongue.) You'll also find that my mother sometimes calls memamascheinz,which literally translates to sweet mother but can be used affectionately for anyone female, much as Spanish-speaking people might usemamacita.And here and there, my mother uses some other Yiddish phrases, which are explained in the glossary at the end of this book.

At some point you may also wonder, "WhereisAmy while her mother's calling and chatting up a storm with her machine? Is she sitting there screening or what?"

The answer is or what.

For the past several years, my answering machine has had a light on but nobody home, due mostly to my insane hours as a creative director at a

Reviews for Amy's Answering Machine

[whitreidtan · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

Borkowsky is a comedian. Or at least she was when this book was written in 2001 (and the reason I give you the date is to orient you to the dominant technology of the time). Apparently one of the things she does/did in her act was to play tapes of her answering machine messages from her mother and then riff off of the over-protective messages. I have to hope that she is funnier doing stand-up than she is when writing this stuff down. Because this isn't funny. It's just dull. There is a good chance that her intonations and mannerisms made this a successful stage bit but it clearly loses in the translation to the page. Thank heavens this was short because had it been any longer than it was, I would have been sound asleep, head pressed to print, and drooling into the spine. I'm also hoping that the advent and proliferation of voice mail and the lack of taped evidence of her mother's over the top concerns means that we won't ever be subjected to another book of this stuff. Obviously not the way I wanted to start off my reading year and I recommend you don't bother with this either.

[heather19_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A very funny book! The author has a very.... interesting... mother, who calls constantly and leaves very funny and strange messages on her answering machine. The messages, along with the author's commentary, had me laughing the whole way through the book!