Man Unplugged: Exploring The Inner Man

By John Broadbent

What does it mean to be man right now?
How did we get to where we are?
What affects the way we think about ourselves?
How can men live more deeply fulfilling lives?

Join ‘Man Unplugged’ as John takes you on a journey through the inner world of men, exploring the multiple facets of why we are as we are. You’ll understand the steps men can take to instil lasting change, resulting in authentic men, connected relationships, happier families and stronger communities.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Mar 8, 2014
• ISBN: 9780992417819

Book preview

wisdom.

1. INTRODUCTION

Since as an author, I can never know who will be reading my words, firstly I’d like to thank you for being interested enough to take the first step by opening this book, and secondly to learn more about men.

Whether you’re reading purely for self-interest, either as a man or woman, or to gain a deeper understanding of the men in your life (husband, partner, brother, father, son, friend, co-worker or boss) isn’t important. What’s important is that the world needs more understanding of what it means to be a man in the 21st century.

The old models that informed men of our roles and how to be in the world, no longer serve society nor men. We used to be defined by our work, which fulfilled our role as both provider and protector. Ongoing economic shifts have resulted in the loss of predominantly male jobs. More women are entering the workforce and men are finding connection in caring for our children. We are seeking deeper and more meaningful relationships, we’re searching for ways to redefine who we are and at the same time attempting to live more authentic lives. We cannot do this in isolation and we must seek the company of those courageous and pioneering men who have already paved a path forward and laid down beacons of direction.

Women play a key role in our evolving journey simply by acknowledging that the roles and rules have changed, that we stand on shifting sands with new models of masculinity emerging. Women can support this transformation by being their authentic selves. Together we can create a society that respects our differences, supports our individuality and understands that women and men both require human connection, understanding and respect.

My intention is to take you on a journey into contemporary masculinity by exploring current stereotypes, how we have arrived where we are and where we might be headed, as each day we’re confronted with news of violence. Wars, murders, rape, shootings, abuse, ‘glassings’ – the list goes on. One could be forgiven for tarring all men with the one brush, however to do so ignores the extraordinary grass-roots men’s movement that is quietly emerging, as men acknowledge that the view of modern masculinity is a tarnished image – and collectively it’s imperative we do something about it.

I’m writing this Introduction sitting on a plane flight from Sydney, Australia, to Queensland’s Gold Coast, to attend a weekend men’s gathering. Over 100 men will descend on the hinterland to listen to other men share their experience and wisdom, discuss some difficult topics and hopefully raise awareness of those attending just that little bit more, as well as providing a supportive environment for the courageous attendees who are seeking to change themselves.

We’re seeing the emergence of men’s groups, men’s ‘sheds’, workshops for men, attempts to recruit more male teachers, men not accepting the media-driven stereotypes of the bumbling fool, books on manhood, weekend warrior events, father-son experiences and Rites Of Passage programs.

If one looks closely there really is an underground movement, mostly shunned by the mainstream media – for who knows what reason? Maybe in challenging the stereotypes the media loses its fodder. This is something we’ll explore at the beginning of this book. The good news is that the underground movement is making extraordinary progress.

(Throughout this book I’ve used ‘Heart’ rather than ‘heart’ when referring to our core of connectedness, the centre of our being where we feel so much emotion. This is to delineate from the organ that beats in our chest.)

I’ve listened to many a man speak from his Heart and share openly about the love he has for his children, his relationship, his family, parents and society at large, I’m always blown away at the depth of emotion sitting just beneath the surface. In safe environments, often facilitated and surrounded by other open-Hearted men, I’ve seen men of all ages in heaving sobs of pain-release, exposing their raw and vulnerable centre. I too have been, and continue to be, one of these men.

Every word written in this book comes from my fundamental desire to support the healing work currently underway, to educate those who may not know what really goes on in ‘men’s business’, and to encourage women and men alike to put the past behind us, take a breath and a leap of faith, and build a new paradigm for male/female relations based on mutual respect.

I sincerely believe that if we can suspend our past hurts and judgements, we are more than able to forge a new egalitarian future and one that is so much brighter for our children, society and planet.

If, as His Holiness The Dalai Lama noted that ‘the world will be saved by Western women’, then women must understand the true world of men and be prepared for the surprises therein. Only then will we be able to create a balanced, safe, functional and sustainable world. Our children deserve nothing less.

John Broadbent—Sydney

2. STEREOTYPES

We made a mistake. We thought that ‘liberation’ meant that we were liberated to go out and be like men and we sacrificed some very feminine aspects of ourselves in the name of Feminism. We came up with a generation of hard women and soft men and it didn’t work for anybody.

– Marianne Williamson

As we embark on this journey exploring the inner world of men, it’s important to understand one’s own perceptions, as these will deeply affect the information you read here and the opinions you will subsequently form.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines a stereotype as, a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing.

We know that male stereotypes are everywhere: on billboards, in magazines, television shows, advertising, movies, the Internet, computer games – and I’d like you to pause for a moment, whether you’re a woman or a man, and really think about your own views of men.

Where do you see male imagery or what do hear about men? Do you give it a second thought or do you simply ingest whatever view is being pushed? How influenced are you by what you see and hear? What history do you have with men, which has influenced the way you relate?

If you’re a woman I’d suggest that your views are most coloured by your relationship with your own father, and it is often said that a woman’s first male love is her father. Was he a dedicated, loving, caring, available, emotionally intelligent, present, responsible father who fulfilled your needs for protection, love and strength, or was he an absent, quiet, stern, withdrawn, surly, abusive father whom you never really knew, and maybe still don’t?

And if you’re a man, perhaps the positive qualities you were looking for were leadership, mateship, strength, fun, presence, vulnerability, integrity and honesty, but instead your father was removed, shutdown, alcoholic, workaholic, distant, dishonest and maybe even abusive.

Of course these are extremes at opposite ends of the spectrum, so most likely your father was a composite of some of these attributes. What’s important as we begin this journey into modern masculinity is to be really honest about the perceptions we carry, so that we can perhaps minimise subjectivity and see our fathers, and our relationship to them, a little more objectively.

If you can, grab a couple of sheets of blank paper and a few quiet minutes. Close your eyes and ponder your father, or what you know of him. Whether he is alive, estranged, present, absent or no longer here doesn’t matter, as his influence (or lack of) will have some bearing on you. If you never knew your father at all, you may have feelings of loss or abandonment.

On the first sheet simply write whatever words flow onto the page. Don’t filter. Simply let them flow anywhere on the page. You may find that you have strong emotions attached to some of the words, however don’t get caught up with these for now: simply let the words flow and see what emerges.

Did you write anything that surprised you? Are you able to see an emerging picture, an amalgam of a whole range of characteristics some of which may ring true for the way you navigate your world, especially in relation to men?

Now look at them again. Do certain words conjure up feelings, and if so, which ones? Do you feel sad, angry, perplexed, aggrieved, joyful, happy, unsure, frustrated, relieved, distant, numb, warm, cold, depressed, hurt? Perhaps sit with these feelings a moment to really imbibe and feel your relationship to the words and therefore your perceptions of your father.

I’d like you to now put that aside and on the other blank sheet draw three columns. Think of the stereotypes you see in all the various forms of media that portray men as invincible, superhero types in action movies, advertisements etc. like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and write a list of words in the first column that describe them. You may see them as invincible, indestructible, strong, immutable, immortal, sexy. Again, let the words flow, unfiltered, until you have ten or so.

We’ve developed an acronym, ‘SNAGS’, for ‘sensitive new-age guys’, perceived as having Heart but no spine, soft but without direction, and often met with sloppy ‘wet-fish’ handshakes. As Marianne Williamson stated in the opening quote, we’ve created a generation of hard women and soft men. Sons of these women and men are a casualty of that generation. Chances are that they have never experienced a completely functional masculine presence in their lives, unless they’ve decided to embark on a journey to reclaim this part of themselves through men’s workshops or suitable therapy. Now, think of a ‘chick flick’, TV series or men in your life who might fit the ‘SNAG’ label and add to your list of descriptive words the characteristics that you like about these men in the second column, words such as warm, loving, connected, considerate, open etc.

The third stereotype popular today can be seen in TV sitcoms and advertisements showing the bumbling fool of a man. This character is so one-dimensional I feel appalled that somewhere, a young woman or man actually believes that this is ‘normal’ masculinity. (I often ask myself, If this was a show/ad/sitcom and the woman was portrayed as the bumbling, insensitive, idiotic fall-guy (gal?), would there be an outcry?) Again, think of these types of men and in the third column, write another list of words to complete the list.

I’d like you to pause again and really review your list. Is there a man you actually know who is a majority of all or some of these attributes, or have we all been duped by Hollywood and the various forms of media into building a completely unrealistic model that no man can ever attain? Or is the spread of characteristics so disharmonious that they can’t possibly be applied to one man, so we view all men as a combination of various and different attributes, and if so, which ones are important to us?

It’s important that we take the time to really understand our views of men, how they have been created and informed, and how they continue to be adjusted by often unconscious forces.

As an example of gender bias in the media, I’m reminded of a road safety campaign shown in New South Wales, Australia, where the catch phrase of, Speeding ... no one thinks big of you, has a photo of a young woman holding up a curled little finger. The message of course is that anyone who speeds must have a small penis. While there’s no doubt that the statistics demonstrate that the majority of drivers in accidents or fatalities are young males, I know from personal experience that young women also speed. So imagine the advertisement was reversed with a young man holding his hands and fingers to form a large circle, with the message, Speeding ... no one thinks small of you, intimating that someone who speeds must have a large vagina. I think you’d agree that an advertisement such as this would never be conceived, let alone make it to prime time TV or billboards as it would be considered offensive. And rightly so.

How about a Florida-based clothing company whose catch-cry is, Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them! available on t-shirts, which was also turned into a game for girls. Again, what outcry would there be if the word ‘boy’ was replaced with ‘girl’?

Here we have all the classic hallmarks of misandry, exposed as a gender double-standard. And there are many more if we choose to be aware of them.

I also wonder what this approach is doing to our young maturing boys who are turning into men. Do they see supermen, SNAGS, fools, or a combination thereof? From which attributes do they draw their reality principle? Isn’t the combination of these attributes not only confusing but also conflicting? Where does that leave them in the journey and yearning to grow into men?

In The Myth Of Male Power by Dr Warren Farrell he argues that the patriarchy has not served men either, and its modus operandi is out-dated and ill-fitting. When over 1 million men were killed in a single battle in WW1 at The Somme, we didn’t label that a holocaust, but glorified the men who died as ‘serving their country’. When the high-risk activities such as war, rescue, manufacturing, mining and other heavy industries are predominantly ‘manned’ by men, boys are starting to understand that being born male is being born into a disposable gender.

There’s no question that the weight of history in regard to gender relations is peppered by a system that murdered tens of thousands of women in the name of religion and witch hunts. Men who were suspected of dabbling in these realms were also targeted. What saddens me is that this is being used to label men of today as ‘the patriarchy’, creating a further rift in gender relations. To quote Farrell, I am a men’s liberationist (or masculist) when men’s liberation is defined as equal opportunity and equal responsibility for both sexes. I am a feminist when feminism favours equal opportunities and responsibilities for both sexes. I oppose both movements when either says our sex is THE oppressed sex, therefore, we deserve rights. That’s not gender liberation but gender entitlement. Ultimately, I am in favour of neither a women’s movement nor a men’s movement but a gender transition movement.

As you might now be able to see, our views of modern masculinity are greatly influenced by our fathers, male relatives, media, advertising and a less than savoury history. It’s important to be clear of one’s own views as they will colour our perceptions and expectations of the men in our lives, how they should behave, respond, communicate and act. You may be more influenced by stereotypes than you think and by becoming aware, you will start to see the world and the men in your life a little differently, a little more ‘unplugged’!

So now we’ve raised our awareness about our perceptions of men, let’s move on and explore the world of men in more detail.

Key Points:

Our relationship with our own father greatly influences our perspective of men

Media-driven stereotypes and history further colour our perspectives

We need to make the effort to be vigilant regarding these influences and challenge our thinking, especially in relation to gender-based double standards, and even more so if we’re bringing boys into the world.

3. HISTORY

Manhood isn’t a an age that you reach, it’s more like a flow of knowledge and skill, like a river, which you receive and grow strong in, and then pass on downstream to others. Unless you can connect to the inherited masculinity of generations of older men, your manhood may never flourish or grow.

– Steve Biddulph

Steve Biddulph is the seminal Australian author who has done more to further the cause of men,