Getting It Up In Titslegass: The Erotic Adventures Of Erectus Volume 1

By Dick Allan

(An Erotic Sword & Sorcery Parody. 18+) New to the city of Titslegass, capital of the Kingdom of Boobylon, Erectus makes friends, crosses a jealous General, gets intimate with a Princess, goes on a spying mission for the Royal Wizard, and ultimately saves the kingdom, all while having lots of sex in unusual circumstances and bizarre situations. Because of the jealous general Erectus is worried about having an affair with the beautiful, willful princess Clitoria but he can’t refuse her. When her behavior changes radically and she boots him out of her country villa, Erectus consults the Royal Wizard, Elrod the Magnificent. Elrod confides that Clitoria is not the first person of power in the palace who has been replaced by a double. He makes Erectus invisible and sends him into the King's harem, then shrinks him and sends him to spy on the fake princess.
Erectus discovers the country hideout of the conspirators and befriends some shrunken villagers, who agree to help, but he has yet to face the the High Priestess of the Temple of Erotis, the evil wizard and his army, a giant, horny, female golem, the cunt trees, and the deadly succulas.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dick Allan
• Release date: Dec 30, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301961818

Dick Allan

Dick Allan is a pen name. I'm PG13; he's Adults Only. He's my alter ego. Whereas I'm a little shy and repressed, he most certainly is not. Whereas I tend to take things seriously, he does not. I have a bizarre sense of humour, and so does he. (Well we're both me so we're alike in many ways.). I grew up on fairy tales and sword and sorcery; he skewers the tropes of the genres and fills them with outlandish, explicit sexual situations. Welcome to his world. Enjoy.

Book preview

GETTING IT UP IN TITSLEGASS

The Erotic Adventures Of Erectus Volume 1

By Dick Allan

(65,000 words)

Copyright 2012 by Dick Allan

Published by Dick Allan at Smashwords

A slightly shorter version of the first adventure appeared in Swingers Today No. 83

A slightly shorter version of the second adventure appeared in Swingers Today No. 86

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This volume contains the following adventures:

The Temple Of Erotia

In Clitoria's Passion Pit

The Aphrodisiac Darts

Erectus And The Widow Pashin

Erectus And The Slave Woman

Saving The Priestess

Invisible In King's Harem

Erectus In The Villain's Villa

The Shrunken Villagers

The High Priestess of Erotia

Erectus And The Mudgina

The Garden of Forgetfulness

In The Cuntree

Climax At Mount Gushmore

Celebration

Chapter 1: THE TEMPLE OF EROTIA

Another mug of beer, Erectus called out to the serving girl. And bring one for my friend too. Moving rocks all day in the hot sun is thirsty work.

That it is, Kumjoi agreed, downing the dregs of his previous mug. A wiry little man, he looked thin beside the bulging muscles of Erectus, but he was tough.

The girl plunked two mugs onto the scarred surface of the heavy, wooden table and as she took Erectus's coin he grabbed her around the waist, pulled her onto his lap and whispered loudly, I have another thirst you could quench for me. Perhaps you would like to share my room later this evening.

I wouldn't screw you in the Temple of Erotia. She twisted out of his grasp without spilling the remaining mugs on her tray, shot him a glare and stalked off.

What are you trying to do, get us arrested? Kumjoi demanded.

Erectus shut his gaping mouth, then turned to his new friend. I was just trying to get laid, so I could test some more of those Far Eastern techniques you've been telling me about.

What happened to that Vulgarian girl you spent so much time with?

She ditched me last week so I was just trying to get some action tonight.

She got tired of you, did she?

No, just tired.

Kumjoi shook his head. I don't know what it's like in Roam, but I've been here long enough to know that up here in Titslegass even serving girls have virtue, and most are not willing to part with it. The law is on their side so you're lucky she's in a good mood.

You call that a good mood?

She didn't even slap you, but she could have had you arrested, even though you didn't grab her tits or anything intimate. He stroked his moustache. If you're after casual sex you have to go to the Temple of Erotia.

Erectus tilted his head back and poured his entire drink down his throat without swallowing, set down the mug, and belched loudly. What are we waiting for. Show me the way.

Kumjoi tried to follow suit but he had to swallow and beer drained in twin cascades from the long ends of his moustache. He thunked the nearly empty mug on the table, coughed once, spraying beer, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, swallowed hard, cleared his throat and said, Come with me.

# # #

The sun had set, leaving an orange glow on the horizon, while the rest of the clear sky darkened to purple, already revealing the brightest stars. As they walked along Kumjoi explained. All the women in this country have to turn at least one trick in the Temple of Erotia before they can get married. Until they're married, women can come to the temple whenever they want. A lot of women become priestesses and make a career out of it.

The Temple of Erotia, only a few blocks from the tavern, was a two-story structure with a flat roof, gaily decorated and brightly lit, but as a newcomer to the city of Titslegass, and an atheist to boot, Erectus had paid no attention to any of the temples in the city.

There were no doors, they just walked in through the pointed arch that was the front entrance. In his mind Erectus had been expecting a huge room full of beautiful women, with soft couches and gentle music, and people coupling everywhere. Instead he saw a wide corridor, or maybe it was a long, narrow room, with women of every description sitting on cushions in front of discreetly curtained alcoves.

Don't go too far, Erectus. The closer you get to the back, the more expensive they are, and those at the far end are reserved for high-ranking officials and other important people.

Erectus grinned at his friend and jingled the coin purse tied around his waist. I can afford the best tonight. The woman nearest the door caught his eye for a long second and smiled shyly. She had beautiful brown eyes, wide and soft, but there was a sadness in them that he didn't want to face, and she was so thin she looked like she was starving.

His eyes traveled up the line. All the women were clean, but many were thin, unhealthy specimens, though some were too fat, and most were just too plain. His gaze passed rapidly over them, pausing now and then for a pretty face, an impressive bosom or a nicely curved ass.

Kumjoi made his choice, a slender, pretty woman with dark hair and downcast eyes. He said to Erectus, I'll meet you back at the tavern. It's my turn to buy a round.

Yeah, Erectus answered, not really caring what his friend had just said, his full attention already on the alcove at the far end where a pair of massive breasts, stretching the thin cloth of the dress covering them, pushed through the curtains as a shapely blonde stepped out. A halo of soft hair floated around her head as she turned to look right at him. She looked him over from bottom to top, her brown eyes locked with his, and she smiled with a radiance that heated him like the desert sun.

Her eyes pulled him and he stepped closer, moving like a sleepwalker. She hefted her left breast in both hands, a nipple as big as the end of his little finger popped out of the top of her flimsy dress, she bent her head and her tongue flicked out, licking the nipple until it was shiny, red and hard.

As he made his way to the back of the room Erectus adjusted the growing bulge in his loincloth, her eyes dropped down to his crotch and her smile widened. She looked up, met his eyes again, then dropped her gaze to linger on his bulging crotch as he approached. She reached out a hand to take his and pulled him through the curtain.

The room, barely long enough for somebody his size to lie down or roll over in, smelled of perfume, sex and sweat, but it was not unpleasant. A mattress covered most of the floor; silks, furs, cushions and pillows covered most of the mattress. I'm Sherryaire, the woman said, running her hands up and down his chest, catching the dark hairs lightly between her fingers.

Erectus grabbed her waist with both hands, her skin warm and soft through the flimsy cloth of her simple dress. I'm Erectus, an engineer working on the new high rise temple. He slid one hand down to cup her ass and she wiggled a cheek into his palm. Her erect nipples brushed against his chest.

She undid his belt and it fell with his loincloth around his feet. Her fingers tickled the hair on his balls and traced a trail up the full length of his erect penis, giggling when it sprang out against her fingers. Erectus slid his hands up to those tempting breasts, just a layer of sheer cloth away, but she dropped to her knees at the same time so his fingers barely brushed the sides of her breasts as they slipped past his hands. She lifted her own breasts and enveloped his rod in her cleavage, then looked up at him with lust in her eyes, and whispered, Do you want more? She slid up and down a fraction of an inch.

Deep down he felt pressure start to build and let out a low moan. Yes, he managed to say, none-too-clearly.

Sherryaire released her breasts and grabbed his throbbing cock with both hands. This is what I want. The head, red and shiny, protruded a couple of inches past her grip. She licked it with the tip of her tongue and Erectus's hips twitched forward. She wet her lips with her tongue, then slowly engulfed the head of his penis in molten pleasure. Her hot little tongue remained busy while her exquisite lips slid ever-so-slowly down his shaft. One hand cupped his balls in a gentle, teasing embrace while the other encircled the base of his cock and started a rhythmic motion that he matched with his hips. If she didn't stop soon he would explode in her mouth.

Sherryaire, where are you my sweet?

Sherryaire came off his cock with a pop and looked up at Erectus, her eyes wide. In a frantic whisper she said, It's General Gennitol. You have to get out of here.

His eyes darted around the tiny cubicle, saw only a single entrance, and his heart thumped in his chest. How?

Out through the back. Wait in here until I distract him, then run through the red door in the back corner. There'll be a lot of women in there but they won't stop you and the General won't dare follow. She handed him his loincloth and slipped out of the alcove, barely moving the curtain.

Genny, dear, Erectus heard her say, and then she kissed somebody loudly on the lips.

Erectus darted out and dashed to the red door but it didn't budge. After a split second of panic he tried pulling at it instead of pushing and it swung open. He cast a frantic glance over his shoulder and saw General Gennitol, a swarthy, muscular man, pointing and yelling, Stop him. Go around to the back. Don't let him get away.

Then Erectus was through the door and running across a large room toward another door, women of all shapes and sizes in every stage of undress all around him. An older woman with gray hair snatched his loincloth out of his hand as he ran past. Women laughed and pointed, a pretty red-head at the far end pushed the door open for him, slapping his bare ass as he ran past, calling after him, Have a nice night. I hope I see you again.

Erectus ran at full speed to the street but as he emerged from the alley he collided with a muscular man several inches shorter than himself, bounced back and landed on his ass while the shorter man stumbled and dropped his corner of the sedan chair he carried. The occupant tumbled out in a cloud of pastel silks.

Erectus scrambled to his feet, ready to charge past and escape, but the passenger, reaching blindly to assist herself, grabbed his still-hard cock and pulled herself up. Blue eyes stared at him from under a mane of wavy blonde hair. Where are you off to in such a rush? she asked, maintaining her grip.

Away from here. The General's men are after me because the priestess Sherryaire was sucking on my cock.

Her eyebrows rose, then her eyes hardened in a frown, then her face relaxed and she smiled. Get in.

Huh?

Hurry. Into my sedan. She pushed him inside, climbed in after him, closed the curtains, opened the front panel under the seat and pushed him down into the space, which was barely large enough to hold him curled into a ball. He knew he wasn't the first man to be concealed in here because it smelled of sweat, including his own now.

She fastened the panel in place and seated herself properly. A gruff voice, presumably one of the general's men, questioned her about a naked man running past. She replied, He knocked my men down, spilling me onto the street, then ran off that way without a word of apology.

As heavy treads ran off that way Erectus heard the woman laugh, not just a giggle, but a belly-deep laugh that she tried to keep quiet. The sedan swayed as it was picked up, then jounced as it was carried along. Her laughter died away, the panel swung down and she said, You can come out now.

A grateful Erectus unfolded and breathed in some fresh air as he poked his head up, ready to thank her. She grabbed him by an ear and turned him so he was sitting on the floor between her legs, staring up the smooth length of her thighs to the mass of dark, curly hair at their junction.

So she isn't a natural blonde, he thought.

She wrapped her fingers in his hair, slid forward on her seat and pulled his head closer. Pubic hair tickled his face and he smelled her arousal. Her message was clear and it was the least he could do by way of thanking her for the rescue. He was in an awkward position but he was still young and flexible so he grabbed her ass with one hand, shifted his weight, and extended his tongue, parting those curly hairs down the center.

His mouth was dry but he licked again, got some of her moisture on his tongue, tasted her, wanted more, probed deeper, was rewarded with more juice. His tongue, slippery now, slid in and out, and he spread the moisture, wetting his lips, wetting her lips, licking and kissing and sucking, moving methodically higher. The tip of his roving tongue found her clit, licked all around it, flicked it, teased it, making her breath come in little gasps. The rhythmic tread of the carriers leant a titillating edge to the experience for both of them.

His free hand traveled up her torso, sliding under the diaphanous cloth until he cupped the bottom of her breast. Every time she moved her hips to get closer to his darting tongue he reached further up her breast, until he felt her nipple between the tips of his first two fingers. He squeezed it gently, then rotated his hand, letting the nipple pop up from under each finger. She moaned and pressed herself against his hand. He rotated his hand the other way. She moaned louder.

Erectus figured her carriers must have heard this sort of thing before.

He pressed hard with his tongue tip on her joy button while he squeezed her nipple between his thumb and forefinger. She gasped and pressed his head harder into her crotch. He could feel her butt flexing wildly in his hand as she writhed against his face, but he couldn't hear anything anymore because her thighs were pressed tight against his ears. He could barely even breathe.

He lowered his hands, preparing to push her away but she relaxed and let him go. He sat back, gasping for breath and so did she, though for different reasons. When she had recovered she peeked out through the curtain. We're almost at the palace. You'll have to get back under the seat.

Can't I just get out now? Surely the general can't find me here. He didn't want to be caught inside her sedan chair inside the palace.

No, there are too many people on the street. Nobody must see you get out of my sedan.

Curiosity, and her relaxed attitude after her orgasm, made him bold. Why is that? Are you somebody important?

I am Princess Clitoria.

Erectus groaned silently to himself. How much deeper could he get tonight? He understood that one was supposed to bow to royalty, but sitting with his face less than two feet from her cunt, which he could still smell, precluded any formalities. What is it with you and the general?

I am betrothed to him.

You love the guy?

When she finished laughing she said, No, I think he's a prick. It's a political marriage of convenience for both of us, but I still resent his frequent visits to Sherryaire at the temple, so I get even with him by having sex with low men. She rubbed his shoulders, feeling his muscles. How low are you?

I'm an engineer from the west, here in Titslegass to help with the dome on the new high rise temple, the Tower of Balsukh.

Oh, a foreigner. And you move rocks?

Well, not personally.

She laughed. I know, you're an engineer. You're the guy who figures out where to put the rocks.

I have to make sure they keep moving and get put in the right place.

She leaned way down and kissed him on the forehead. Can you climb?

Climb what? A ladder? A tree? A building?

Yes.

Yeah. Why?

You'll do just fine. Now get under the seat. Hurry.

Erectus really had no choice but to comply. She closed the panel and he silently endured the cramped space. He could hear enough to know when they went through the gates and checkpoints. Then she opened the panel a crack and whispered, Wait here for one hour, then go into the garden. My room is the one with the big balcony on the third floor, in the middle of the west wall.

What about guards?

Don't worry, they`re all inside the building or on the wall looking out, because they're trying to prevent people from getting in, but you're already in. Now stay quiet.

The sedan was lowered to the ground and the princess was escorted away. As soon as all was quiet he crawled out, made sure the curtains were closed tight, then lounged around on the padded seat, enjoying the lingering scent of her perfume.

# # #

Time passed slowly but he had no way of measuring it. How long had he waited? He didn't want to be late, didn't dare, and just thinking about the princess's soft lips and smooth thighs and firm breasts and hard nipples got him aroused again. Despite two sexual encounters tonight he remained unsatisfied.

He parted the curtains a bit and looked out, saw no one and stepped out in the middle of a row of parked sedans. He spotted the garden through an arch a hundred feet away and crept cautiously from behind one sedan to the next. He needn't have bothered. This whole section was dark and deserted.

The garden was empty of people too, though a life-size statue did give him a nasty start. The moon, nearly full, was not yet at the zenith so it was shining on the west wall. He jumped up and grabbed the bottom of the second-floor balcony and pulled himself up. By standing on the rail of that balcony he reached the bottom of the princess's balcony and climbed right up.

There was light in her room and he heard the sound of voices, but could not make out any words. He went to a window but even though the curtains were closed there was a