Stepping; A Guide to Step Parenting

By Helene Shotwell

Educating stepfamilies to successfully manage the challenges that may arise. Helpful tips for healthy parenting techniques and coping tools.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: May 18, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483528984

Book preview

Chapter One — Introduction

The most important and first priority are the children. These dependent little people would find it extremely difficult and dangerous, if not fatal, to maneuver through their lives without the support and guidance of loving adults. Besides the basic human needs of food, clothing and shelter, and love, we must provide teachings of morals and values and guide them in decision making through their late teens and beyond.

Because the human brain is not fully developed until approximately the age of twenty-five, this gentle guidance is crucial in protecting the rest of society from these not-yet-fully-developed-brained people. It is mind-boggling that we legally allow driving, smoking and drinking at ages sixteen, eighteen and twenty one, respectively. In fact, the teen and early twenties brain, while not fully formed, is more vulnerable to the toxins from alcohol and nicotine. We know from highly advanced brain scan techniques, the area of the brain not formed quite yet, the executive frontal lobe, is responsible for higher functioning decision-making and judgments. Why do you think teens are crashing cars all the time? I had (my mom will attest to this embarrassing fact) at least 11 accidents, mostly bumps and scrapes and one total, by the time I was 19 years old.

These growing, sensitive and vulnerable brains are also heavily impacted by certain traumas which may pop up in our lives, such as the breakup of families due to death or divorce. Another trauma could be the change in family dynamics once parents remarry and create new children. It is our responsibility as the children’s support system to watch out for red flags (discussed later) and to provide protective factors around them.

Protective factors are the proverbial giant nets we parents place under and around our children as they wobble through uncharted territories. Let me give you examples of protective factors we can provide for our children. Most recent studies show a correlation with children whose families spend evenings having dinner together and higher grades in school. This can lead to higher self-esteem and increased capacity to use healthy coping tools rather than spending time drinking and abusing drugs.

Another protective factor is the ability to listen to our children without judging them or their friends. Good luck with this one. We must be in all our saintness to pull this one off and it is so worth it. Once adolescents begin to really trust their parents, they tend to offer more information making it easier to find out what they are up to without much snooping (on our part) and to guide them without too much rebellion (on theirs).

Family meetings with discussions ranging from how everyone is doing to updating chores and rules of the house are found to be a protective factor. When children are part of the process of family decisions it increases their cognitive abilities as well as their feelings of belonging. Feelings of belonging are so crucial for children that when this is lacking many children join groups outside of the family, including gangs, with other children who feel insignificant in their own home. This may lead to abuse of substances and high-risk behaviors such as promiscuous sex or getting high from stealing cars and joy-riding. You may be saying to yourself, My child would never take this path yet, I have seen children whom you would never suspect this was their life. They may come from families that look good on the outside and think they are doing well on the inside.

When our children enter the teen years, we often feel they don’t need our full attention anymore, as they are involved in their own lives. Letting go, somewhat is good for them in order to learn how to become more independent. However, don’t forget they are still children and need us to be there and guide them, even if they don’t communicate this. It’s even more important at this confusing time in their lives to feel a part of a healthy and whole family, or two. Feelings of belonging have a major impact on our children’s lives.

Other protective factors include family vacations and family fun. Children who enjoy being with their families have a stronger sense of being part of something larger than themselves which may lead to feelings of connectedness to their school, neighborhood, community and society as a whole. These children who enjoy their family time may be more satisfied and happier individuals who attract other satisfied and happier people to them. Isn’t that what we all want for our children; to be surrounded by positive and supportive friends and family?

Sometimes we take protecting our children to an extreme. We must, at different transitional stages, let go every so often to allow them to experience their own mistakes. This makes learning more profound and lasting. On the other hand, we don’t want physical, emotional or spiritual harm to come to our precious loved ones. We want to be there in case they fall.

I would like to share a cute story of my own about the balance of protecting and over-protecting and the most difficult concept of letting go. At approximately twelve years old, my son’s curfew during the school year on weekends was eight o’clock. This was feasible since we lived in a close-knit neighborhood with lots of children his age to play. One of the rules was, he could be no further away than the sound of my whistle (I have the ability to whistle really loudly). Because I often tested this rule, my son and his friends knew I was on it and they rarely rode their bikes or hiked further than marked territories in order to hear the whistle.

Well, summer came and a group of teens had a program at the local clubhouse where they played games and generally hung out, with adult supervision. My son begged to be a part of this group and although he was not the only twelve-year old teen, my mommy antennae went up and I was concerned. His step-dad and I discussed this and we decided to try it, keeping in mind his eight o’clock curfew.

After the first night, the kid (I still call him that, affectionately) came riding home on his bike all excited about the fun he had and could we change his curfew to nine-o’clock. I knee-jerked a big NO. My son, the diplomat and great debater, asked to have a discussion on this issue. We discussed the pros and cons and came to the conclusion (his conclusion) that I need to let go. This was so difficult for me because of my neurotic fear of his riding home in the dark and getting abducted or hit by a car. My son asked if I would just think about it. I had a private discussion with his step-dad and he agreed that I needed to let go and allow this change. I did, with the stipulation that he arrive home no later than nine o’clock.

The first night, feeling a little uneasy, I stood outside the house at about five minutes to nine. At two minutes after nine, I was getting anxious and at nine fifteen, frantic. All of a sudden, I heard this faraway voice calling, I’m coming mom, I’ll be right there. You see, my son knows me so well that he pictured me standing outside preparing to call the police. He was late but was so cute about it that I had to let it go.

The moral of this story is that as parents we have a right to worry but not to behave neurotically causing neuroses in our offspring. I believe I did the right thing by changing the rules, with my son’s input, and not sweating the small stuff when he was a few minutes late. He learned to be more responsible about time and got to experience having intelligent discussions using assertive language to bring forth his point of