The World's Stupidest Instructions

By Michael O'Mara Books

If you have ever attempted to swallow a mattress or have forgotten to remove clothes before ironing them then this book will become a vital survival tool. For the rest of us it is a collection of the oddest, funniest and frankly most worrying instructions taken from genuine products around the world. Manufacturers from Turin to Tokyo seem truly concerned that we know their products may be hot after heating, that we should not place fireworks in our mouths or that we should really not use a hairdryer whilst showering. And please remember, your new toaster should not be used underwater.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Michael O'Mara
• Release date: Feb 24, 2012
• ISBN: 9781843178378

Michael O'Mara Books

Michael O'Mara Books specializes in creative and inspired adult non-fiction. Independent, commercial and always on-trend, O'Mara Books are passionate about their publishing programme and publish an exciting and varied list - from history and popular science to language; sport and biography to puzzles; gift and humour to craft - that reaches readers across the world.

Book preview

Epilogue

Introduction

It’s an epidemic, and it’s showing no sign of stopping – stupid instructions are taking over the world!

As ubiquitous as they are ridiculous, the origins of these daft directions are legion, but you’ll find that holidays are a particularly great source of entertainment for the collector of stupid instructions. As the determined non-English-speaking world struggles to inform customers of its hotel regulations, or of local customs, observe the original language emerging, post translation, as though tangled in the mechanism of a ski lift, or mangled beneath the wheels of a high-speed bullet train!

More often than not, however, inept translation isn’t to blame; a vast majority of instructions referring to products and services seem simply not to have been thought through for clarity, or even common sense! As an illustration, take this case of the automated marketing phone dialler used by a sales company in the USA, with its directions to those ‘answering’ the phone: ‘If X is home to take this call, please press one. If no one is home to take this call, please press two . . .’

Finally, some instructions are just plain unnecessary, pointless, redundant, superfluous and generally meaningless. And they are all here!

To continue reading, please turn the page . . .

Cautionary Tales

In these litigious times, many manufacturers now feel they have no choice but to print instructions for exact use (but on soap?), and warn of all the conceivable injuries their product might inflict. Could this be because they are at the mercy of individuals lacking, for want of a better word, a brain? Take, for example, the woman who used a spermicide as a baking ingredient, and then sued the spermicide’s manufacturer upon discovering she was pregnant. Unbelievable.

Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.

On a toilet-bowl freshener

To avoid suffocation, keep away from children.

On a number of plastic carrier bags

Beware: sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions.

On a toboggan

This product not intended for