Charlie Joe Jackson's Guide to Making Money

By Tommy Greenwald and JP Coovert

Charlie Joe's weekly allowance just isn't cutting it and he desperately needs money to buy a Botman, the latest gadget to sweep his middle school. Only catch is, he wants to earn the money by doing the least amount of work possible. After several failed attempts, including a near disastrous day of dog-walking, Charlie Joe hatches a plan to throw his own bar mitzvah (no gifts please—checks only) even though he's not Jewish. Hilarity ensues when throwing a fake coming-of-age party turns out to be much harder than it looks.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Macmillan Publishers
• Release date: Aug 26, 2014
• ISBN: 9781596438422

Tommy Greenwald

Tommy Greenwald has enjoyed reading all his life, which is why he's appalled that his kids Charlie, Joe and Jack, would prefer getting a dental check-up to checking out a book. After years of pleading, threatening, and bribing, Tommy finally decided the only way to get his kids to read was to write a book about how to get out of reading. The result was Charlie Joe Jackson's Guide to Not Reading. And they read it! (So they say.) The Executive Creative Director at SPOTCO, an entertainment advertising agency in New York City, Tommy lives in Connecticut with his wife, Cathy; his non-reading sons, Charlie, Joe and Jack; and his dogs, Moose and Coco.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

I like money.

I don’t like working hard.

It turns out that’s a problem.

Who knew?

It’s not like I’m greedy or anything like that (I swear). It just so happened that last year, I needed money, and I needed to figure out a way to make some.

Fast.

Without working hard.

You know what I learned? It’s possible. It can be done. I know, because I did it.

Sure, a couple of minor things might have gone wrong along the way.

But so what?

That’s part of the fun, right?

Part One

THE DOG AND THE GOPHER

1

First, a little background.

I discovered the joy of money when I was little, and my parents gave me and my older sister, Megan, an allowance. Like a dollar a week—nothing major, but enough for candy, or soda, or the occasional slice of pizza when Megan would take me downtown.

In return, we were expected to do one thing: stay alive.

But then, when we started getting a little bit older, my parents—especially my mom—expected more for their money. It was small stuff, for sure: Brush my teeth for a full minute, put my clothes away (by balling them up and stuffing them in a drawer, but Mom didn’t have to know that), feed the dogs—that kind of thing.

Megan—whose only imperfection was that she was perfect—handled the new responsibilities without complaining at all.

I, on the other hand, wanted a raise. I think I was about seven years old when I finally got brave enough to bring it up.

Mom, I said one day while pretending to fold a pair of socks, can we start getting five dollars a week? Look at all this stuff we’re doing now.

She looked at me. What are you going to do with five dollars a week?

There’s lots of things I could do with five dollars, I said. Like take you and Dad out to dinner, for example. I would totally do that.

Pretty quick thinking for seven, huh?

Mom laughed, then took the socks from my hand and opened the drawer to put them in.

Wait! I shouted, but it was too late. She stared down in horror at the war zone of wrinkled clothes.

Be glad I don’t fire you, she said.

2

Fast-forward about five years, to middle school, which is the age when you first realize it’s not fun if some kids have the latest cool thing and you don’t.

It was the first day back, after summer vacation. Which is a really weird day, as we all know. Everyone was busy checking each other out, like, What were you up to? Did you have a better summer than me? That would really make me mad if you did.

Even the teachers were checking each other out, mostly for new hairstyles. (Which I don’t support, by the way. I think teachers should always have to look the same forever.)

Anyway, like I said it was the first day back, and our story begins pretty much where everything in life begins: the school cafeteria.

We were smack in the middle of lunch, and, as usual, Eliza Collins was the center of attention. (It’s not just that she was really pretty, but she was also really rich. In other words, she was really lucky. She must have been like a saint or a seeing-eye dog in a former life.)

She was showing everyone her amazingly amazing new device: a battery-operated robot that looked like a one-foot-tall tiny metal person.

It’s called the Botman, Eliza announced, as the little guy walked around in circles, making a loud beeping sound. A bunch of us gathered around, trying to decide if we were awed, annoyed, or both. And check this out—this is the coolest part.

She pushed a button, and Botman said, Yo, Eliza, it’s Wednesday! That means tennis lesson at four, manicure at five-thirty. Everybody ooh-ed and aah-ed, including me.

She pushed another button, and Botman said, Yo, Eliza, dress light today! Forecast calls for mild temps, with a high of eighty-two degrees.

Everybody wow-ed and cool-ed, including me.

Then Eliza picked up her chocolate milk carton and placed it in Botman’s outstretched little arms, and he motored over to the garbage can and threw it in—swish.

Thank you, Botman, said Eliza.

No problem, yo, replied Botman.

The crowd went crazy, and that was the exact moment I decided I had to have one.

Eliza was just about to push another button on Botman when a voice suddenly rang out from the back of the crowd.

We get it.

Everyone turned around. There was Katie Friedman, rolling her eyes at no one in particular.

This was nothing unusual, of course. Katie’s a professional eye-roller. It’s one of the things I love most about her.

You get what? Eliza demanded.

We all waited.

We get that you’re always the first person with a cool new gadget thingie that most of the rest of us will never even get to touch, much less own, Katie said. That pretty much summed up what everyone was feeling, even though we were all too busy being impressed to even realize it.

Then she added, Yo.

The crowd roared happily; nobody minded the richest and prettiest girl in the grade getting embarrassed every once in a while. Eliza blushed, the bell rang, and we headed to our next class. I looked at Katie and remembered an important lesson: It didn’t matter how rich you were, there were some things that money couldn’t buy.

And hearing a bunch of kids laugh at something you said was totally priceless.

3

"That Botman thingie is pretty cool," I said to my friend Timmy McGibney, as we filed into Spanish.

Yeah, Timmy said, not looking me in the eye.

I immediately got suspicious.

Timmy and I have had our ups and downs. We’ve been friends for so long that sometimes it felt more like we were brothers, which meant that we fought and got mad at each other and got on each other’s nerves just as much as real brothers did.

And, like typical brothers, we could get pretty jealous of each other’s stuff.

Plus, I knew his birthday was coming up.

You’re not getting the Botman, are you? I asked.

Timmy looked at me and smiled. Maybe.

I was just about to bombard him with questions when a sharp clapping sound changed the subject.

Ya basta! shouted our Spanish teacher, Señora Glickstein. (The other Spanish teacher was named Señor O’Brien. Go figure.)

We’ll talk about this later, I whispered to Timmy, as we opened our books and tried to care about the difference between ser and estar.

4

If good parenting means not spoiling your kids and not buying them a lot of things, then my parents are the best parents in the world.

Which is fine; I’m not one of these kids who cares about having things like pool tables and Ping-Pong tables and go-carts and refrigerators full of soda and an arcade in my basement with tons of different video game systems.

As long as my friends have them, and I can use theirs.

That day after school, I was at my friend Jake Katz’s house, and we were jumping on his trampoline—another thing I don’t have—and talking about the Botman.

Katie’s takedown of Eliza was awesome, Jake said, while alternating landings on his feet and his butt.

Yeah, I said, but the Botman was pretty cool.

Jake made a face. Ugh. Another gadget. Enough already.

What do you mean? I asked. Jake was considered one of the smartest kids in the school, and I figured it was always good to know where he stood on things.

He thought for a second. (It was hard to look thoughtful while jumping up and down, but somehow Jake pulled it off.)

I just think this whole technological revolution thing has gotten out of control, Jake said, somehow managing to prevent his glasses from flying off his head. "We’ve become slaves to our devices. You should see my mom. She texts me twenty times a day. And the minute my dad gets home from work, he’s on his cell phone or his computer all night, reading the news or staring at his e-mails. When we ask him a question, it takes him ten minutes just to hear