Time Out!: His Painful Decisions

By Dana Mobley-Hammett

Mrs. Mobley-Hammett’s book speaks to the soul of mankind from a man’s point of view. What does marriage mean to you? Do you wonder when Mr.or Mrs. will come along, where you’ll find your lifetime partner, or whether
there is such a thing as the “perfect marriage?” If we could of seen our mate in the spiritual realm, we would have eliminated a lot of foolishness from our relationships. There is no manual for how to treat our spouse because each person is a unique individual and we are all different and don’t fit into one category of standard approach…so, sometimes it leads to the blind leading the blind and sometimes we both fall in the ditch. You get caught up in the small things and the big things go unmet…we even get caught up in our physical sight and we take for granted the spiritual. And, our men our left to make painful decisions regarding their marriages whether to go or stay.

You may be successful, have a committed spouse, wealthy, a loving family and lots of friends. Yet, you still are feeling unsatisfied and lonely. What would you do? Is there anything in this life that truly satisfies? The answer
is “Yes” our Heavenly Father. God and He offers an inspirational book called the Holy Bible which tells us how to treat our spouses and how to honor our marriage.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Sep 16, 2013
• ISBN: 9780989651820

Book preview

Dad

CHAPTER 1

A TIME OF REFLECTION

The first book, Divorce Hurts: He Doesn't Want Me To Be His Wife Anymore, is written from a woman's point of view and is about the hurtful things that occurred throughout my life and marriage, and includes the testimonies of other women whom experienced divorce. These stories were freely shared, based on their knowledge and experience, perceptions and opinions. As I reflected on the experiences that caused the hurt and pain in my life and in my marriage, it was very healing and therapeutic to my soul. I had the opportunity to review my life and write out the hurt and pain of losing my spouse to divorce. Yet there was a reason our marriage lasted as long as it did, and it was due to the fact that all the good certainly outweighed the bad, except for a few areas that we couldn't get past in the marriage. However, I felt it was important to look at every situation and put myself in his shoes, and as I recall all the special qualities that bonded me to my ex-husband, it all seems so very different now if only we would have accepted the professional marriage counseling needed in our difficult time.

Knowing who I am now, it's hard to believe that the person I used to be throughout my marriage no longer exists. I wonder how can that be, except it's the real truth. All the dynamics have changed and I must leave behind my old life and step into a new one. As I was trying to figure it all out, I was truly lost in the wilderness of a dark, cold place. I questioned myself, thinking Do I look the same? Act the same? Walk the same? Is my smile the same? I wondered who I had become now.

Someone else is in my place, with the man I once called my husband, with my kids, in what used to be my life. They've taken me out of the picture, but does anyone know me now? The other person is with my family and friends, enjoying all the blessings that God had planned for me. It had been taken away by the decisions of sin, pride, and rebellion, when God clearly had convicted me through the Holy Spirit to save my marriage and I was disobedient to His will. Who was I to give up and not fight for my husband and family? I thought if he loved me enough, he would just stay, no matter what. But God showed me differently, that my husband needed me to love him enough to fight in the midst of the storm—and I let down the sword, my shield, and all my protection that covered my marriage. I believe that's when God removed his hand and allowed the divorce.

Sometimes we experience a personal moral failure, and we lose our balance in life and fall. We regret our actions and feel unworthy of God's forgiveness. When this happens, it may keep us down and make us no longer want to move forward in life or our spiritual walk. The Bible gives us many stories of how characters failed by sin or by being disobedience and were lifted up as examples, and because they fell, they turned back to God and began to follow Him again.

And all these, having obtained a good testimony through faith (NKJV, Hebrews 11:39)

Let's take a journey back down the hurt and pain from the man's point of view. Men are taught to be so strong and courageous, and not to show too much emotion or sensitivity. Therefore, it's sometimes hard to know when they are dealing with the struggles of life or how bad it really is until they are at their boiling point and decide enough is enough. Listen ladies, sometimes we forget to make sure our husband is our number one priority. It's important that our husband knows he is valued, respected, and needed; that he feels loved, appreciated and wanted. In my situation, I was so busy trying to meet my own ambitions in my life and thinking, he'll be all right, he can handle it. Well, if you continue to think that way, he may decide it's time to get out of the hurt that has been created in his life.

It's time to understand what a man goes through when dealing with relationships or marriage on the verge of separation or divorce. I look back now and reflect on my life and think about how I contributed to my ex-husband's painful decision to divorce. Now that the focus is totally off him, I can now look in the mirror and point the finger at myself too. Yet God still had grace and mercy over my life even in my disobedience.

As I recall, my ex-husband and I had our times of trouble, however; we were definitely one of a kind. I could depend on him and he could depend on me. We didn't really get in each other's way too much. We were very comfortable in our ways and our household ran very smoothly. My ex-husband was a laid-back easygoing fellow. He enjoyed life and had a great attitude to go along with it. He never took things too seriously and always let me know that if anybody messed with me he would take care of it. He was proud of his family and always had kind actions and gentle words toward me. Now don't get me wrong, he wasn't perfect, but for the most part he was a giving man. Therefore, the decision to marry him for a second time was easy to make because of our history, children, family, and the fact that he was my best friend. When we married again I felt like God was in control and we willingly followed his direction to guide us. We knew that things would still be hard. However, we had all the necessary tools needed to be successful, such as prayer and faith in our marriage. We relied on the Lord and rejoiced in Him in hopes of being able to complete our life-long commitment to each other.

Upon reconnecting our marriage, we knew that we were going to have challenges that faced us in a big way already— because a husband and wife must really love each other if they get divorced and remarried (right?). However, we never resolved the problem—we just tried it again. We may have been okay if we received professional counseling before saying I do once again. Don't get me wrong, we had counseling with the pastor, but there were some deep-rooted issues that needed to be resolved in my life and in his that we masked over and didn't first let heal. So, here we go again, and my ex-husband told me that if we got married again he needed to be the only one to receive my love and affection, which I failed at horribly before in our first marriage. I truly had a problem with initiating love and affection and assuring him that I loved him and wanted only him. Yet for fear of losing him, I assured him that I could be the wife he needed; I really believed that I would be able to handle all the love and affection that he had to give me and in return he would receive it back. I was totally convinced that what I gave did measure up, however; it was made clear my efforts were not enough to meet the need he so desperately wanted from me. Inside my heart I was thinking that I had messed up our marriage again, because I was sure my ex-husband was thinking, Wow! I'm back into a marriage with this woman and my life is filled with thoughts of my needs not being fulfilled in the way I expected. Most men don't ask or need a lot—just to know that they are loved, valued, and respected as the leader of his home.

In the man's defense, in some ways this can cause bitterness and disappointment, because there is a disillusion of broken promises that you truly had their best interest at heart. It also becomes clearer with each passing year that some things are just not going to change. What ends up happening is that the man's needs take a back seat to other priorities. It's almost as if the man retreats and gives up hope for his need for happiness and tries his hardest to adapt to his wife.

Honestly, what can the man do if he has a wife that is not meeting his love language or needs? Sometimes the wife is just damaged and has too many insecurities about life and really doesn't know how to enjoy her life with the gift God has blessed her with. To honor (respect) and obey (trust) her husband. I know most ladies do not want to hear that but God gives us this demand in our marriage vows. And we say them with no problem...but do we really know what our marriage vows mean?

My ex-husband and I had to rebuild our marriage and faith in the Lord and one another. Soon afterwards, he was baptized and we grew to be a stronger family spiritually. Together we began to have a sense of oneness and togetherness, which was clearly God's work in us. The miracles of mercy and tenderness produced in our marriage would soon change the lives for so many other couples, as our spiritual growth would soon be used to serve others and help them continue to be devoted to each other through God's word. By no means were we subject matter experts on marriage; we just had been through a lot of challenging and difficult situations, yet we survived and now were seeking to build each other up and encourage each other through Christian fellowship. God had a purpose in using us, and I believe it was to keep our unity in marriage and tell our stories to be a help to others when difficult times occurred in our marriages.

In hindsight, my ex-husband was trying to ask me for help and to meet his needs for a very long time. For many years and many reasons, I felt what I was doing and giving him was good enough. It's funny how someone can tell you what they need and you believe you have all the answers yet not hear them at all.

I can honestly say my ex-husband gave me so much help with my decision to go back to college. It's not easy to be put aside, while the other person is putting all their dreams and ambitions ahead of yours. I remember he used to ask me, Where do I fall into your priorities, and the answer was sad, as he was near the bottom, after church, children, job, travel, sports, and extended family. I had so much for everyone else except the person who needed it the most—my husband. It wasn't hard to set aside just a little time to show him love and appreciate all the things he had sacrificed for his wife and children.

I realize now there was a lot of confusion in my life. My perception of what was right may not be as accurate as I thought at the time, and I didn't take enough time to consider all the choices available to us to save our marriage. My decision to go back to college really took a lot of time and effort away from our relationship. If I put myself in his shoes, he must have felt so lonely, and as a matter of fact, he did have his way of showing me he needed my attention and I would brush him off. I now know he just wanted affection and to feel loved, like he was the most important part of my life. I took him for granted; I never paid attention to him. In a way my job, going to college, helping others, all before serving my very own husband, was not the best for our marriage. He was starving for attention from me. I just felt he could handle it, that he had it all together and everything was all under control...but how much was I suppose to put on him? How much was he really supposed to take? My marriage didn't need much to keep growing—just a little water and fertilizer every now and then to keep the grass green and healthy. But I never watered it, never trimmed the edges, and it began to die. How very wrong could I have been for thinking he didn't need anything and he could manage it all without me and that as long as I worked and kept the finances together, and made sure we all had clothes and kept food in the house, that everything would be fine? I know now, however, that I was a very important factor. I needed to keep his ego fed and make him feel appreciated, to let him know I did love and need him. The mistake would cost us our plans and dreams, our family and a lifetime of wonderful memories that could have outweighed the bad by a long shot.

The marriage became so broken that we both had begun to lose our faith again and doubted whether it was worth hanging on. Before we made it to the divorce, it was always a case of one of us not being able to let go of the other. It's like a game of tug of war: you're on one end and your spouse is on the other and neither one is willing to let it go, because if you do the game is over. Someone gave up! Disbelief is so powerful that you lose your blessings. We had just raised both our children, we both had great paying jobs, we were actually established and ready to see the world together, and we had overcome so much and dealt with all the struggles and survived all the trials. We lost our way—the darkness made it to hard to see and stay focused on God, in prayer and in keeping the faith. Instead, we let go of the rope...and threw it all away.

We must live the destiny that God has for us in our marriage, a lifestyle filled with hope in Him. We have to have a strong foundation to begin with, which we did in our second marriage. However, when you realize that the foundation is pulling apart and you have major damage to repair, it's time to accept that a makeover is needed, that you have to change and stop trying to change the other person.