Fishing by Moonlight: The Art of Enhancing Intimate Relationship

By Colene Sawyer

“Fishing by Moonlight” covers the art of navigating intimate relationships from why we are attracted to someone to succeeding in sustaining love and intimacy. It is a must for non-professionals and professionals alike, providing insight into the “whys” and tools for the “how to’s” of relationship.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jul 30, 2008
• ISBN: 9781483536408

Book preview

More praise for Fishing by Moonlight...

Thank you so much for sharing this gem with me: I am realizing how desperately I need to heal and understand why I have made the decisions I've made in my adult relationships.

—A current client

Intimate relationships are some of the most important, wonderful and formidable events in most lives. Colene Sawyer's book makes the odds far m ore positive that we will make it through the maze and prosper on the journey.

—Jim Walt, Ph.D. researcher, former professor, past president of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT)

For anyone who is interested in relationship, this book is a must. [Dr. Sawyer] has a way of presenting complex ideas very simply, which makes this book appropriate for everyone.

—Hal Stone, Ph.D. and Sidra Stone, Ph.D., originators of Voice Dialogue and authors of Embracing Each Other

An insightful and practical book on relationships.

—Stan Tatkin Ph.D., co-author of

Love and War in Intimate Relationships:

How the Mind, Brain and Body Interact

A real gem; very readable and thought provoking, filled with helpful, practical tools for exploring and understanding your hidden logic in creating a romantic partnership. Dr. Sawyer writes with insight, experience and wisdom.

—Karen Hefler, MFT, past President, Sacramento chapter, California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT)

I really liked this book and plan to recommend it to a couple of counselors I know as well as to friends and relatives. I may even include it with my wedding present to various prospective brides and grooms.

—Peggy Holloway, book indexer

Copyright © 2008

Colene Sawyer, Ph.D.

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ISBN-13: 978-0-9800640-1-8

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Second edition

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All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any means or in any form whatsoever without written permission from the publisher, except for brief quotations embodied in literary articles or reviews. For permissions and reprint information, contact the publisher.

Dialogos Books

8 Deerfield Ave.

Shelburne Falls, MA 01370

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Cover Illustration: Frank Kallop

Editor/Project Manager: Virginia Ray

Design/Production: Jeff Potter

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Printed in the United States of America

Publisher's Cataloging in Publication

Sawyer, Colene.

Fishing by moonlight: the art of enhancing relationships / Colene Sawyer.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN:978-0-9800640-l-8

eISBN: 9781483536408

1. Communications skills. 2. Choosing partners. 3. The brain and love. 4. Creating intimacy. 5. Marriage skills. 6. Intergenerational issues. I. Title.

HQ801.S39

306.7'3

QBI96-20163

TO MY ADULT CHILDREN—Steven, Laurie, Eileen, and Daniel—and their spouses and children. I have learned enormously from them all.

To John, my late husband and father of my four children, and to Phil, my second husband, with appreciation for the lessons I learned with both.

To Fred Schlaepfer, with deep love and appreciation. Together we have created the kind of relationship I write about and always knew existed.

Acknowledgements

IHAVE LOVED writing this book. It is different from the first version of the book, which focused on finding a partner. This one is intended for couples as well as singles because the underlying dynamics of choosing a partner and enhancing a relationship are intertwined. I am a practical romantic at heart and my greatest joy is seeing couples learn to love each other well.

My publisher, Virginia (Ginny) Ray has been my most enthusiastic and constant support in getting this to completion. In the process I have become both fond of her and in awe of her willingness to do the detailed work required. She is my friend, my critic, my support system and I greatly appreciate her and her team of quality co-workers.

Without my clients this book could not have been created. I am respectful of and indebted to them for their courage to work and to share the intimacy of their lives with me. I learn from them and applaud them.

For their continued interest and asking, When can we get your book? I appreciate my many professional friends and colleagues. Their interest and support has been most helpful.

My grown children and their children give me great joy and also teach me with their struggles and accomplishments. I spend many hours talking—mostly listening—to them.

My constant appreciation goes to my husband, Fred. He is truly the wind beneath my wings. Our relationship has allowed me to heal in many ways and to feel more truly myself. I am grateful for his love and his wisdom. He knows how to say the right thing when I am stressed. I am beautiful in the mirror of his eyes. What a gift! One worth waiting for.

Contents

PROLOGUE • How This Book Came to Be Written

PART I: You Fall in Love; then What?

CHAPTER 1 • You Fall in Love; then What?

CHAPTER 2 • Understanding the Hidden Logic of Love

CHAPTER 3 • More on the Hidden Logic of Love

CHAPTER 4 • Birth and Siblings: More Lessons in Loving

CHAPTER 5 • Death and Divorce:Their Impacts on Love

PART II: Exercises

EXERCISE 1 • Ideal Partner

EXERCISE 2 • Romantic Relationship History

EXERCISE 3 • Comparing Your Ideal Partner

With Your Real Partner

EXERCISE 4 • Create Your Own Family Mobile

EXERCISE 5 • Remembering Childhood

EXERCISE 6 • Grandparents

EXERCISE 7 • Siblings andYour Childhood Family

EXERCISE 8 • Explore Your Values and Dreams

SUMMARY • What You've Learned

PART III: Becoming the Optimal Partner

CHAPTER 6 • Becoming the Optimal Partner

CHAPTER 7 • Are You Ready,a Willing, and Able? For Singles

CHAPTER 8 • Addiction or Commitment?

How to Tell the Difference

CHAPTER 9 • Help for Love's Hurts

CHAPTER 10 • Healthy Relationships

Bibliography

Index

PROLOGUE

How This Book Came to Be Written

TODAY IS my fourteenth wedding anniversary. With my husband I reminisce about that magical day fourteen years ago. My four grown children and all of our grandchildren were there to celebrate our wedding day with us. I was beaming as I walked down the short aisle between the chairs where our families were sitting. Beyond the brick patio I was aware of the ocean on the horizon and the waves near the beach.

Tears of joy and love well up in my eyes as I remember the face of my beloved as we spoke the words of commitment. Now, reflecting on this glorious day in my life, fourteen years later, I think of the happiness we have created together and the lessons we have learned.

How did this magical moment come about? I know it is not an accident—and not simply luck. I take time to reflect on my life and to remember what led me to this, my happiest day. I recall an occasion twenty years earlier, when I was in great pain emotionally.

My second marriage, only three years old, was ending. My then-husband had told me he needed to live alone and said that I must leave. The painful question burning in my mind, keeping me from sleeping on those endless nights, was, What is going on inside me that caused me to choose not just one, but two husbands who were not right for me?

How could what I feared most—failed relationship and divorce— have happened to me, a marriage counselor, mother of four nice people, daughter of a solid family, granddaughter of a beloved Methodist minister? I knew I could not blame my husbands for the choices I made to marry them. What could I find in myself that would account for what felt like a colossal failure? How might I change it? How might I create the kind of relationship I knew could exist and that I longed for? What had created this life story for me, one so unlike what I expected as a dreamy-eyed bride of twenty-one?

In the anguish of that time, I reflected on my own experiences and on those of others—my clients and friends. I recognized that mine were not isolated questions. Everyone who was in a romantic relationship, or wanted to be, had faced the matter of choosing that all-important person, a life-partner. Could I learn what really goes into making such an important decision and distill my understanding of the process to provide increased opportunity for me, and others, to make better, wiser choices? Could such an understanding actually improve the quality of an existing relationship?

Those questions were the starting point for this book. I was fueled by my own desire to learn how to get it right in a romantic relationship; a desire I recognized as important not only for me but for many others as well. My search for answers led me on an extended quest through books, research, case studies, and experiences with my clients. It paralleled my inner search for the kind of relationship I always dreamed of; one in which I could be totally myself, one in which I could grow with someone else as we also learned to know each other more and more intimately.

Part of the discovery process for me has been presenting my ideas and methods over the years in a series of workshops. My students—some single, some married, many divorced or the children of divorced parents—shared stories of their lives and romances with me.

The exercises in this book were formed and tested in that environment. Of course, in all of the workshop examples and case histories I cite I have disguised the identities of the subjects to protect their privacy. I listened to many hours of reports of joy and pain in relationship. My clients in therapy shared richly of their romantic experiences, their failures and successes. My own life did not stand still, of course, and I also learned from my own relationship with my husband, Fred.

This book was first published in 1996. Now, more than ten years later, I want to update and add what I, and others, have discovered since then. Research about the human brain has exploded in the last few years. I am very excited about how some of these discoveries impact and clarify some of our basic ideas about how love changes the brain and what we can do about it. Understanding how loves works in our brains gives us practical understanding in a form we can use. What we once thought about intuitively now has a down-to-earth, practical, provable scientific rationale.

Choosing to marry the person you chose is clearly important, but fully understanding why you choose this person and not another is also important. That knowledge, along with understanding the how and why of relating well can significantly enhance the quality of your present relationship, or it can help you to understand (as it did for me) why some of our relationships suffer.

Today the painful times are behind me and I reflect on fourteen wonderfully satisfying years of marriage. My son said to me, You deserve it, Mom! I believe he is right. I do deserve it and I want to share what I have learned with you.

The chapters that follow cover a wide range of human experiences because choosing and creating a life-enhancing relationship reflects a wide range of factors. I will share with you some of the encounters and struggles that have taught me and changed me, and discuss what the difference is between that dreamy-eyed bride of twenty-one and the happy wife I am now. I will begin with the experience of falling in love, as seen through the eyes of Emily, my young client.

PART 1

You Fall in Love; then What?

CHAPTER 1

You Fall in Love; then What?

EMILY WAS IN LOVE. She had the glow that appears in the first stage of romance. As she bounced into a worn leather chair in my office, I saw a vitality and aliveness in her small body I had not seen in the five months she had been my client in therapy, not since she first came to me following the painful breakup of a relationship.

Her brown eyes sparkling, she brought me up to date with delight.

My world has shifted. In a lovely, scary, real-unreal, spinning way, she said. "Here's what happened. I went to a convention of a thousand medical technicians. The program had already started. I scanned the meeting room for someone interesting to sit next to. What I was attracted to was the back of a head of dark, wavy hair. I sat down next to him, even though I hadn't seen his face.

His attention was on the speaker and soon mine was, too. When the presentations were over, he turned to leave . . . and our eyes met. It was one of those magic moments. Either of us could have walked on without a second glance, but we didn't. We jumped into animated conversation about the program. I was attracted to his warmth and enthusiasm. The words tumbled out between us. It seemed as if no one else was in the room.

Emily gave me a look that combined puzzlement and delight. How do these things happen? I don't know. Was it an accident? Fate? She wondered aloud if some kind of plan in the universe brings certain people together.

We decided we had to talk some more, she continued, "so we made a date for dinner the same night. By the end of the meal, I realized my world was different. A week later, after our second date, my heart could hardly keep from saying 'I love you,' though my head told me it was too soon.

Now I catch myself smiling, forgetting where I am momentarily. I notice simple things with new awareness. Colors seem more vivid; music is sweeter. Oh, yes; his name is Ted.

I was delighted by her good fortune, though my knowledge of her prior experiences with relationship caused me to hold some private reservations.

Three weeks later Emily called for another appointment and came to my office. Clearly, things had changed and her posture reflected it.

"Last weekend Ted and I spent the day together. It was intense, wonderful. But toward the evening, I could feel him backing away. He said he was tired.

The next day he called to break a date and said he wasn't comfortable with what was happening with us. He wanted to ease off I was devastated. Even more disappointing, I realized that in spite of my originally feeling he was different, he was another 'distancer,' just like other men I had dated. And, in fact, like my ex-fiance.

She told me tearfully that she'd gone from feeling in love to feeling hopeless. Would she always be attracted to men who retreat after a first burst of enthusiasm? Was that situation caused by something she did? By the men she chose? What could she do so it wouldn't keep happening?

It Can Happen to You

THE FIRST MONTHS of a new romance are deliciously special. Falling in love is such an exquisite experience that it is not likely to be forgotten, even if you haven't felt those feelings in a long time. But it can often be marked by confusion as well. Can you remember the uncertainty and the resulting pain you may have felt in the beginning of a love affair? Were you the one causing the pain to your partner because of your own uncertainty? Perhaps you, like Emily met someone exciting and then had the same kind of disappointment she did, or you thought someone was exciting, then you backed away from the intensity of further involvement.

If those kinds of uncomfortable situations have occurred in your life, you may wonder why they happened, or other questions may arise. If you're in a committed relationship now, you may sometimes wonder why you chose this particular person. Perhaps you feel trapped by, or generally unsure of, a relationship you're in. Maybe you love your partner dearly, you feel settled and secure, and yet you wonder how your relationship actually works. If you have friends or grown children who want your suggestions about how to create healthy relationships, you may wish to know more so you can be helpful to them.

As you explore the issues and dilemmas of romance in this book, I hope you will find answers to many of these questions. My desire is to help you discover why you have chosen specific partners and learn how you can use this information to create a partnership that is all you want it to be.

The Unconscious and the Conscious

THERE IS A COMMONLY accepted myth that we don't actually choose romantic partners but rather that love just happens in some kind of amazing, accidental way. This is not exactly so, since whether we realize it or not, powerful, unseen forces within us are profoundly influencing everything we do, including the way we fall in love and our choices of people to fall in love with. These unseen, or unconscious, forces almost always reflect experiences we have had early in our lives along with the feelings that went with them. Even though we don't remember those experiences and feelings specifically, they remain within us, buried in our unconscious minds. They have their unusual power because we are not aware of them. We don't know they exist, and so we have no authority over them. In fact, the powerful chemistry in romantic attraction often comes from the unconscious. When love just happens, most of our feelings actually reflect what is going on unconsciously. The process of falling in love is far from accidental.

Nevertheless, the conscious part of each of us thinks it has knowledge about almost everything, including how and why we fall in love. But these viewpoints about why we do what we do, think what we think, or feel what we feel may not be what's really important as we seek to understand falling in love and creating a partnership.

In order for us to have a more accurate sense of our underlying motivations, we must gain access to, that is, become conscious of, as many of our powerful, unconscious messages and memories as we can so that we can use this awareness to make better decisions. Your conscious part may say, She/he is so attractive and fun to be with I can't resist her/ him, but the reasons for your being magnetized to this attractive and fun person rather than another one are likely to be hidden in the unconscious.

For this reason, I developed a series of simple exercises designed to give the conscious part of you more access to, and awareness of, the unconscious part to bring you more