Little Girl

By Mary-Lynette Nesbit

As a disciple of Christ Journey has faced many challenges in her life, as all do face in many stages in their lives. Journey looks back on her struggles, she looks back on her failures, and she looks back on her victories. After giving up everything to God, she reluctantly decided to accept the fact that it is time to take care of her despite her struggles by not serving others, what she always loved doing.
Her most happy times oddly were when she was indeed a child. She was a child who found peace in spending most of her time away from her immediate family. A place where she could laugh, cry, jump, hop, skip, a place where her little voice was heard, well at least from a child’s perspective.
Now as an adult, she has to deal with issues that many of her peers don’t have to and it’s frustrating to the point where she nearly lost her faith, battling demons, feeling hopeless. Having her fears overtake her, remembering that God has everything under control and she needed to be still.
Journey is twenty-eight years old, a single mother of a one-year-old girl and soon to be married, she has grown a lot and dealt with obstacles thrown in her way without running away from them.
Romans 5:2-4 “And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

• Language: English
• Publisher: Chyna Sallier
• Release date: Nov 12, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310630309

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

Love & all its Glory

"I see children playing in the sun, and there is enough love for each and every one, as I sit on the edge of a dream, that’s what I see."

-Minnie Riperton

1947- 1979

If you had told me that I would be here a few years back, I would not have believed you. I became a bit occupied in my singleness. I just focused on myself, the things I needed to do to better myself, and rekindle my relationship with God. Many of my friends, family, and spiritual family had tendencies of calling me a Nun because of it. The fact of the matter was I got discouraged of logging onto my Facebook page and seeing newsfeeds about a bulk of people getting married and having babies. I became very resentful, my heart became hardened towards God, and I didn’t believe that he had nothing out there for me. So, I became that woman who lived with her many cats, well minus the cats. I was just on my own. I was in a church in a different city and county that was predominantly married couples and families. I struggled a bit but I got over it eventually.

While I didn’t have my daughter or my husband, wow, my husband, that word is still so fresh. When I was single and without a child, I did things that a young single person would do, I don’t do clubs but I went out dining, spending time with my fellow single sisters and some married but it didn’t feel uncomfortable because it was just us girls. I went to concerts, to watch some of my favorite artists perform live. I went to plays, I traveled to other states within this country in which I was born in and live in. I met new faces, got familiar with others within my church family around the country. I wrote more and fulfilled much of what was on my bucket list. I shared my testimony through my stories; I finally got time to go camping at Oasis for those living with Crohn’s disease. I reluctantly went on ahead and went through an agency to start my adoption process. I couldn’t truly love anyone else on the level of having a child and a significant other until I loved myself first.

When Savant came into the picture, I was freaked out for a minute because was I ready, for something that I still longed for after many doubts had finally come. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to run and hide. What does this man want with me, my heart? I was headed towards my last semester of school and I just became a mommy in January, so I did not need any more distractions. I was able to take my last semester online which totally Good! I say this because I am taking care of a little person and I was on maternity leave you could say. This was something very new for me.

I know I am good with children and I have cared for many but they were not my children. This time around, it was different. Ironically, this was and is something that I am used to, I have been blessed, and this little girl is barely a year old now. Savant knew of me being in the process of adopting but I don’t believe he knew I soon was going to be a mother. So that scared me because I didn’t know what to think, I went back to my ways to when I was a child "Just me and my child, I don’t need a man," and that independence type of mentality. I honestly didn’t think we would continue to date or start dating to begin with, because of my child and I really didn’t care either way, being a mommy was all that was on my mind.

Every time I would go out, all I would see was little babies and I would struggle which is weird because I was a nanny and now I’m a pre-school teacher. But it was and is important to have a unit and Savant was that missing piece to it. So in the midst of me graduating, I was on pins and needles because I didn’t want to mess anything up. I mean, my mom helped me care for baby Amaya and of course, my huge, huge extended family helped with this little itty-bitty.

God has such a sense of humor; I really had to challenge myself when it came to Savant because he was intimidating. Here is this spiritually and physically attractive brother and I felt like God was playing with me. Ain’t no way you just have this man ask me to be his girlfriend, now his wife, WHAT? I remember being at Kimmy’s in St. Louis and I were pacing back in forth. Sure, of course, I want to get married. Have someone to come home to and spend that quality time with, someone I can grow old with,

I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve this man, I told Kimmy.

Little girl, little girl, be grateful, you are getting what you have longed for in so long. I am so stinkin’ proud of you. God is placing blessings and more blessings upon you. You are worth it. Kimmy said, shaking her head, Go get your blessing Boo!

"This is what I dreamed but I never saw God giving it to me but then again there were many other things that I dreamed of and God gave them to me," I said to myself.

Oh my goodness, your pride is bugging the heck out of me! Humble the heck out! Kimmy demanded.

***

Becoming a mommy, graduating and receiving my Bachelors, and becoming a bestselling novelist; now the book thing I did not expect that. Now look at me.

Oh, my goodness! What a day! Wedding rehearsal and an early rehearsal dinner and now babysitting two munchkins for my spiritual parents! Oh, the JOY! I love these two kids so much; it’s amazing to learn so much from a child. They teach you so much. I have been a nanny since I was fifteen I stopped once I turned twenty-five, ten years is a long time. I never turned down spending time with The Campbell Kids. Kyle is five years old, his brother, Sean is three years old, and their birthdays are in the same week. How cool is that? In this small amount of time, we ate, played, colored in our coloring books, ate snacks, they took their baths and watched two Veggie Tale movies. Well, the movies were Sean choice, great choice Buddy!

Boy, am I beat! Tomorrow is Saturday and it’s my birthday! Sunday is another big day for me… My wedding! Seriously, Lord! I am so beyond happy, grateful, what! I can’t believe this is happening, I practically gave up hope. No one loves me, I’m sick, God you have no one for me, I was pretty doubtful and faithless in that area, especially because of an ex and me being ill. Not holding on to the past but that still plays in your head from time to time. I was focused on my growth and myself; I really didn’t care for a significant other. I mean, I didn’t have time for distractions, the thought was nice but I wasn’t looking anymore. After a while, I stopped talking about it.

I just get giddy thinking about it. Nevertheless, the time is here, Oh no! I didn’t call my stepmom, I whispered to myself. Looking at the time it was barely 8:00 p.m. but it was still late, at least in her case. Looking around the house, the house was a mess, not because the kids and I partied hard but because Savant things were still sitting out. I live alone in this house until we tie the knot on Sunday but being that this was my house originally, I have to share it. I have to straighten up before we get back from our vacation. I will manage, I’ll get a maid to clean and straighten up tomorrow.

Well, I believe it’s time for bed Kiddos! I said as the end credits appeared on the TV screen. Nudging Kyle, Wake up Fat-Fats, it’s time to brush our teeth and get ready for bed.

I wasn't sleeping, Aunty, I was dozing, he said as he sat up to scoot off the couch.

Well, I’m sorry, you ready for bed? I asked slipping on my slippers and helped Sean find his to put on.

Yea, but can we brush our teeth first? he asked.

Sure, I replied.

In the bathroom with these two little people made me wish, I were a kid again. I stood there looking in the mirror as the three of us brushed our teeth; the kids were on the stepping stools…

***

My fondest memories of my childhood were always spent with my daddy, my Godmother who is my mommy’s best friend since grade school. Times spent with my best friends, Erica and Tasha and two of my six aunties. When my brother and I were with our daddy, for me, personally, those were the best times. I could wake up at five o’clock in the morning, every morning to my daddy cooking breakfast. I would walk to the kitchen through the hallway of his house to the living room through the dining room to find him pulling the biscuits out from the oven. I knew not to get close to the stove period. He would place the tray on top of the stove; look over to his side and look down at this tiny person.

Hi, Sugar-lumps, how did my little lady sleep? he would say picking me up and giving me a kiss. I would just smile and as I’m still in his arms, I would take my hands and rub them against his face because it was always scruffy feeling. Oh, Daddy’s face is rough huh? I have to shave. It’s okay, let’s go get little man and tell him it’s time for breakfast,

As he got my brother up and ready I would pick up two yellow pages to stack on top of each other on top of my chair. That way I could sit higher because he didn’t have any booster seats for us.

My daddy would catch me with them, No, Baby, these are too big for you to pick up, let Daddy take care of this. Chauncey would just stand there, just as chunky as he can be. Daddy would then place my brother in his high chair and me in my chair. We all would have breakfast, lunch and dinner as a family, sometimes the three of us or the four of us with my stepmother.

Bratterson, my stepmom said to my daddy as she sat at the dining table, picking apart string beans.

I was in the bedroom looking at television when all of a sudden I heard my daddy call my name. Journey!

I jumped out of the bed, running out into the living room to see what was wrong. He wanted me to get a diaper for my brother Chauncey. I ran back in the room to look inside the diaper bag to get the diaper and ran back to the living room to give it to my daddy.

He looked at me and said, I need the wipes, go get the wipes for me please. Huh! I’m only two and a half; do I look like the road runner?

Okay, Bratterson, you’re going to make her mad. my stepmother said to my daddy.

She will be fine, babe, he told her.

Sure, she continued, just you wait and see.

Here I go again, running in the bedroom to the diaper bag to get the wipes and running back to my daddy in the living room. Holding my hands, he asked me for one more favor, to bring him the baby powder. Once more, I ran to the bedroom to get the baby powder out from the diaper bag, barely making it to the end of the hallway, I stopped midway of the opening of the hallway and threw the whole bottle of baby powder at my daddy and ran back to the room to look at television. The powder was all over him. My stepmother just looked at him and couldn’t help but shake her head laughing.

"I told you not to do it, now look at her, the poor thing is tired," she said.

Wow she wasn’t playing, Daddy replied.

Looking back makes me crack up on the inside. So many funny times with my daddy, my brother and I were pure entertainment in that house.

***

Aunty, Aunty! Kyle screamed, jumping up and down on the bed. Aunty, can you sing that Bruno Mars song to me and Sean?

Looking in shock, holding Sean in my arms while walking into the bedroom where I see Kyle steady jumping up and down in his bed, bed all messed up; I sat down beside him asking him to sit down, and asked, What song is that, Little Person?

Kyle started snapping his fingers, doing his best to remember the lyrics to the song, Amen, the Count on Me song by Bruno Mars. Aw! I couldn’t help but laugh a little; I never knew he paid any attention to that song.

I patted him on his back for a good effort, and said, Aw my Fat-Fats! I believe you did really good, okay I will sing it if you get into bed properly, straighten up, please and thank you. I walked over to the other side of the room to tuck Sean into bed; he looked up at me and asked me if he could sleep with my teddy bear. Which one? I asked.

He replied, Baby Jesus. I picked it up from the stand; I handed it to him and told him to lie down.

I sat down at the edge of Kyle’s bed and asked him, You like that song don’t you?

Only when you sing it, I have other songs I like my mommy and daddy to sing to me too. he replied.

I just smiled and began singing with the help of him and his brother snapping their little fingers. It brings my heart pure joy to see happiness given to others. That is why I teach little ones that is why I teach pre-school, the joy of being a kid, not a care in the world, so innocent. By the time I got to the end of the song, they were out, well at least I thought. I got up slowly from the bed of Kyle, gave him a kiss on the cheek then the same to Sean. I walked to the door to shut the lights off when I heard Kyle say to me, Hey, Aunty, do I have to walk by myself down the aisle at the wedding on Sunday?

Walking over to his bed with the hallway light beaming through the room, I asked, Why not?

Because I’m going to be walking in front of all those people; I will get nervous, you can’t do that to me, he said holding my right hand with both of his hands.

Well… I said hesitantly, would you rather walk with your cousin, Tyler? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.

Looking at me in disappointment, Yes, I suppose. Kyle said.

What’s the matter, Kyle? I asked like an impatient child.

Well, okay, as long as he is with me. He’s my big cousin, I won’t be that nervous.

I took his hands in my hands, How about this, you walk with Tyler and if you are still not content I will give you a big piece of that good ol’ red velvet cheesecake we had earlier today. Sounds like a deal?

Deal! he said smiling.

Now don’t try and pull a fast one on me just to eat that cake, okay?

The things grownups do to get children to cooperate. I got up after talking with this little person and walked out the room, telling him to go to sleep because he has a busy day tomorrow. I walked down the hall to the living room to see a mess. I need to get Savant things into the bedroom, I said to myself. I noticed the time, it was after 9:00 p.m., and I had to take my meds. First, I needed to make a pit stop to the potty. I did not know what could have been going on, but the pain was bugging me. Lord, let it not be a flare up, I beg you, I said panicking as I shut myself inside my bedroom bathroom. This is so embarrassing; this to me was like the end, every time I’m in a bathroom. How many times have I done this? I hated my life at times. I’m seriously trippin’; there isn’t anything wrong, surely. It was all in my mind.

***

All I see is myself in a hospital, my freshman year of high school, and the doctor coming in the room with test results, explaining why I hardly ever eat, bleeding when I go to the bathroom, and why it’s hard to go to the bathroom.

Hi, Journey, how are you feeling? My specialist asked me coming all the way into the room while my mom sat across from my bed.

Pardon me; I feel like crap, I’m hungry! Why can’t I eat? It’s been like two weeks, your nurse running out the room, screaming, ‘Oh my God, she is only 80 pounds!’ I complained. My mom looked at me, rolled her eyes at me, and shook her head. I felt like throwing my phone right at her forehead.

Well, Journey, it looks like you will be in here a little while longer. You will be given food but you will be being fed through your IV line, the doctor told me, adding, You have a type of autoimmune disease called, Crohn’s Disease.

My mom looked up quick as if she literally heard a gunshot. I looked at her sideways, thinking to myself, Lady kill the act. I didn’t have time for her nonsense. Especially then, I was hungry, tired of these nurses interrupting my sleep and the smell of that place. I rather had been at school or at work, anywhere but there, away from there and my mom and confined in the STUPID hospital. I felt so helpless, drugged up, painkillers, no food, nothing on the TV in my room. I wanted my daddy, my friends, my baby sister, and my comforts! No one wants to hear that they are sick; I don’t know anyone, do you? I think this is where the cutting took place, non-stop…

Everything that happened to me that was negative; I looked at it as a sign of something that I was doing wrong. I just didn’t know what it was. Immediately, that is where I would lock myself in the bathroom and go to town. I never did it with a typical blade but I did it with a kitchen knife. Luckily, I always covered, so no one ever noticed.

A disease, am I going to die? What is Crohn’s? I asked the doctor, scared out of my mind, I was freaking out.

Crohn’s disease is an Inflammatory Bowel Disorder that causes a number of symptoms such as diarrhea, bleeding in your stool, abdominal pain, weight loss, vomiting, and passing out. It has much to do with your intestines, your digestive system is pretty sensitive, my doctor explained.

All I heard was the word ‘disease’, thinking to myself, Maybe this will help my relationship with my mom. But then again, when she and others in my family witnessed the symptoms of this disease starting from the time I was one years old, she did nothing then so why now?

It took multiple calls from my high school nurse to get it registered to her, Your daughter is sick! My mother felt if you are bleeding or dizzy,