Weeping Woman

By Fiona Reidy

Weeping Woman: Finding hope and courage following road trauma is a literary non-fiction memoir that weaves a personal narrative together with professional perspectives to explore the impact of traumatic grief.

• Language: English
• Publisher: ReadOnTime BV
• Release date: Nov 29, 2014
• ISBN: 9781742844886

Fiona Reidy

Dr Fiona Reidy lives with husband Tony McCaffrey and daughters Molly and Keeley in the coastal town of Ocean Grove in Victoria, Australia.

Book preview

Weeping Woman

Finding hope and courage following road trauma

Fiona Reidy

Weeping Woman

Copyright © 2014 Fiona Reidy

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

The information, views, opinions and visuals expressed in this publication are solely those of the author(s) and do not reflect those of the publisher. The publisher disclaims any liabilities or responsibilities whatsoever for any damages, libel or liabilities arising directly or indirectly from the contents of this publication.

A copy of this publication can be found in the National Library of Australia.

ISBN: 978-1-742844-88-6 (pbk.)

Published by Book Pal

www.bookpal.com.au

Preface

This book is dedicated to mothers who have lost children as a result of road trauma and those who seek to support them.

When my son Rory was killed in a road incident in December 2011, the love and strong connections between my mother, sister and extended family provided the bedrock upon which I was able to find some stability and the strength to go on. My husband Tony and daughters Molly and Keeley have demonstrated hope and courage. Together we have persevered to confront our loss and slowly integrate our individual and collective memories of Rory into our radically reshaped daily lives.

There have been countless friends and professionals who have sustained us on this uninvited journey. There are too many to list here but some cannot go without mention. I thank Kelly Grigsby for calling the Road Trauma Support Services Victoria, organising grief counselling for our family within days of Rory’s death and offering me such flexible return-to-work options at Brimbank City Council in 2012. As a result, Christine Rawson was available for our family from the beginning with a skilled and willing ear. More recently, Ewa Janowska has supported me in the continuing aftermath of Rory’s death.

Rory’s godparents, Lily D’Ambrosio and Andrew Scott, have been ever-present in our lives at some of the most difficult moments, along with their daughters Eleanor and Madeleine. Andrew has worked, alongside my long-standing friend Kerren Thorsen, to provide editorial comment on this book as it evolved. Jacinta Van Bakel also provided thoughtful feedback. Nola Tudball consistently comforted me, even when I went through a reclusive phase and didn’t want to connect to anything or anyone, and I am grateful for her perseverance. Fiona White was a regular visitor and her home in Apollo Bay provided the space for me to make this publication move from thought to reality.

Following Rory’s death, we established a charitable fund to further issues that were important to him regarding Aboriginal reconciliation. It created a tangible and ongoing connexion through our common beliefs. Angela Cope-Proctor, Therese Bourke, Flora Sergeant, Kellie Honey, Lucia Hawkins, Sharon Lane and Shelley Gross helped me shape and communicate early activities of the Rory McCaffrey Reconciliation Collaborative along with Dave Curnow, Rhonda Boyd and Marianne Caddy. Details of our activities can be found at www.reconciliationcollaborative.com.au

. Sandie Baskin from the Lord Mayor’s Charitable Foundation provided unstinting support in the establishment of our sub-fund, as have all of our donors. Jodie Ryschka was pivotal in designing our first significant project, Spreading the Message, and Corrina O’Toole managed its implementation. A Community and Economic Development Grant from the Transport Accident Commission for this project was also greatly appreciated.

And the biggest thank-you in relation to this book goes to Hillary, Donna, Sandra, Lauren, Pauline and Jeanette who took up the invitation to participate in in-depth interviews via the dedicated team of counsellors at the Road Trauma Support Services Victoria. They had all experienced the death of a child as a result of road trauma and took a huge leap of faith in trusting me and canvassing deeply personal issues late in 2013. We have all lost a precious and loved child. While each of our circumstances is unique, many of our experiences following their deaths have similarities. I hope that my reflections, those of the other mothers interviewed and perspectives from research, will assist others searching for hope and courage.

It has taken me nearly three years to write my story and come to some personal perspectives in the final chapter. I hope that others will read it with this in mind. Hope and courage were far from the first emotions I experienced following Rory’s death.  At that time, my life was characterised by despair and fear. This book reflects my progression from these initial feelings to using hope as the driver for moving forward and having the courage to move ahead in spite of despair. As a result, some of the passages in the text are graphic because they describe my personal experiences. Each reader will need to choose what is helpful to read and what might be best left for another time.

The perspectives brought by Hillary, Donna, Sandra, Lauren, Pauline and Jeanette bring depth to this book by illustrating both similar and diverse experiences and responses. Their comments add insight and intensity beyond my story. They illuminate the enormous challenge in transitioning from despair to hope and from fear to courage following road trauma and the important and nuanced roles that friends, family, clinicians and community need to play.

Fiona Reidy

September 2014

Contents

Preface

Epitaph

The Weeping Woman

A Minute at a Time

The Eye of a Storm

The Complications of Grief

Continuing Bonds and Meaning

Hope and Courage

Beyond the Abyss

Appendix 1

Appendix 2

References

Endnotes

Epitaph

To live in hearts we leave behind

Is not to die.

Hallowed ground - Thomas Campbell

Chapter 1

The Weeping Woman

The death of a child is an incomprehensible and devastating loss. The associated lifelong grieving for parents becomes the connection between parent and child beyond the child’s death. As parents grieve for their child, the breadth and depth of loss are enfolded into their lives, defining a new identity shaped by grieving…in a new and transformed reality.¹

The birth of a child is one of the most intense and overwhelming moments in any woman’s life. After months of mercurial hormones, physical and emotional changes, a small human being emerges and changes the world forever. No matter what the issues or complications from conception to delivery, the connection between a mother and child has an intensity that is unique. Tears of joy are often shed in anticipation and then appreciation. The birth of a child affirms and challenges many roles and relationships. It exists within a complex web of family, friends and community and is celebrated in multiple contexts. A name is chosen and tiny needles knit delicate clothes. Flowers and gifts mark the occasion. Notices are placed in newspapers and ceremonies are organised to provide welcome. For most, it embodies a significant investment of hope, thought, planning and a celebration of life. It turns an individual parent or couple into a family and starts the journey of a new generation. It begins a context and parameter for life that provides meaning and indelible bonds between one life and another.

Before birth, this precious child remains in an intimate space that is warm, secure and completely dependent. In addition to a physical connection, the baby also exists in his or her mother’s emotionally charged world. It becomes unknowingly immersed in her aspirations and fears. These include aspirations for happiness and health and fears for the unpredictable things in life. This interdependent relationship between mother and child is so powerful that to imagine anything other than fulfilled aspiration is inconceivable. The hopes and dreams of parents for their children provide a shared space that becomes a family. Whether initially speculating on gender, colour of hair and eyes or potential sporting and intellectual prowess, even before its birth, the emotional commitment to a child is formidable. It is a commitment to their future, and a future that will be shared throughout the course of the life of that family. It is also a commitment to the role that they will fulfil within the community. These commitments grow stronger over time as the child and family grows and develops through both adversity and success.

These ante-natal exchanges are possibly the first inkling that any mother in waiting will have of what lies ahead in becoming a parent. Thoughts of unconditional love and indiscernible anxiety come to constantly co-exist in a mother’s mind. They become a feature of parenthood that is not so much consciously made as organically grown. Unconditional love works to override the inevitable exhaustion and frustration of the parenting process. Indiscernible anxiety acts as a default warning light that flags potential danger and risk. It is perhaps only in retrospect that a parent can reflect on the symbiotic nature of maternal love and anxiety; or imagine the possibility that this emotional investment will come full circle in adult children as they start the journey of independence and eventually generational renewal.

Perhaps pregnancy also challenges a woman’s sense of self-determination and capacity to seemingly control all situations. Without children the world seems a place that can be embraced and conquered through sheer self-control, organisation and action. In contrast, pregnancy foreshadows the impossibility of exerting complete control and requires the development or strengthening of traits like flexibility, resilience and adaptation. Following the birth, a sense of purpose and pride progressively develops as milestones are met and the future unfolds. Yet, all the time, love and anxiety regularly bump up against each other. They compete and clang as the pressures of twenty-first century life squeeze the predictability of family life. If pregnancy challenges a woman’s capacity to live without absolute control, the birth, growth and development of a child, with its unique personality, traits, fears and aspirations, puts paid to the idea that love and aspirations will necessarily translate to protection from the random acts of life.

When a woman becomes a mother, it adds a new role to the many roles she may already live out as a daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt, friend, partner, volunteer, student, employee or community member. Motherhood is the ultimate twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week job. It holds so much more emotional investment and love that it will never compare to paid employment, even when the two quite happily co-exist. It also changes roles and relationships forever. In spite of juggling multiple roles, the prime, fundamental joy and worry after the birth of a child is for that child’s growth and development and their emotional and physical wellbeing.

Ironically, in the most private and intimate time prior to and following the birth of a child, many women will also have their first hint of how easily a mother’s private and public identity can blur. Gratuitous comments from complete strangers and wise words from others meld together as it becomes clear that the very intimate, private and personal journey into motherhood becomes a public story to be shared with many. After the birth, developmental milestones, weight and length are measured by the day, week, month, half year and year. Details are often shared with a mixture of love and anxiety. Countless photographs are taken and videos recorded. Temperament is compared across mothers groups and playgroups. Signs of success and development are speculated on throughout primary and secondary school.

As mothers are deemed to be slightly embarrassing by their adolescent children, then conversations between them become private once again - sometimes fleeting. They occur in cars and between computer games, late at night when lights should be out or when things are not going as they should.

And at some point in the life of a child, as they move through adolescence to adulthood, that indiscernible anxiety seems to slowly ease. Minds turn from that little baby who grew under steady hand and sharp eyes and who was soothed in times of sorrow and encouraged and celebrated at times of triumph. As dependency fades and independence develops, maternal confidence in a well-progressed parenting job also grows. With adulthood just a whisper away and the world opening up, purpose and pride seem fulfilled. Hints of life beyond secondary school slowly emerge. Possible courses and pathways to an adult future, and even the notion of relationships and families, lend a sense of familial continuity and confidence. Although always a maternal relationship, the possibility of an adult meeting of minds and interests starts to emerge.

The death of a child, tragically, is also one of the most intense and overwhelming moments in any woman’s life and for all the wrong reasons. And when that death comes in traumatic and unanticipated circumstances, such as through a road incident, it is utterly confronting and incomprehensible. That the long-developed bond between mother and child could be so cruelly severed in an uncontrollable instant is literally heart-breaking, gut-wrenching and breath-taking. The impact of grief and the toll that it takes on physical health and mental well-being is significant.

Meanings and bonds nurtured and affirmed over many years are instantly fractured and the reverberation of this one event in the universe spins uncontrollably like a top, bumping and screaming through a mother’s heart and family. Tears of aching, relentless pain and disbelief are shed and it feels like they will never end. The same complex web of family, friends and community that celebrated a new life come back to mourn an untimely passing.

A resting place is chosen. Special clothes and favourite effects symbolising that life are gathered for the last time and placed tenderly with a still body. Flowers and condolences mark the occasion but their usually sweet smells and carefully chosen words can seem