Breaking Beautiful

By Jennifer Shaw Wolf

Fans of dark contemporary stories will feel right at home in Jennifer Shaw Wolf's debut as she takes them on an emotional ride through the murky waters of love, shame, and ultimately, forgiveness.

Allie lost everything the night her boyfriend, Trip, died in a horrible car accident--including her memory of the event. She doesn't remember driving on the cliff road. She doesn't recall jumping from the truck just before Trip lost control.

As their small town mourns his death, Allie is afraid to remember because doing so means delving into what she's kept hidden for so long, the horrible reality of their abusive relationship. When the police reopen the investigation, it quickly turns on Allie and her best friend, Blake, especially as their budding romance raises eyebrows around town. As the threats begin and the survivor's guilt takes over, Allie knows she must tell the truth. Can she reach deep enough to remember that night so she can finally break free?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing
• Release date: Apr 24, 2012
• ISBN: 9780802723727

Jennifer Shaw Wolf

JENNIFER SHAW WOLF is the author of Breaking Beautiful. Her hobbies include reading, video production, skiing, and running. She grew up in the tiny town of Wilford, Idaho, where she milked cows, rode horses, went bridge jumping, and dragged Main Street. In college she was a DJ for a small campus radio station and graduated with a degree in Broadcast Communications. She lives amid the peaceful forests of Lacey, Washington. www.jennifershawwolf.com

Book preview

Breaking Beautiful

JENNIFER SHAW WOLF

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Chapter 46

Chapter 47

Chapter 48

Chapter 49

Chapter 50

Acknowledgments

About the Author

For David, for showing me the power of true love

For Jason, who taught me that the strength of your

spirit cannot be bound by the limitations of your body

Chapter

1

The clock says 6:45, even though it’s really 6:25. If everything were normal, the alarm would ring in five minutes. I’d hit the snooze button, wrap Grandma’s quilt around me, and go back to sleep until Mom came in and forced me to get up. I used to stay in bed until the last possible minute and then dash around getting ready for school—looking for my shoes or a clean T-shirt, and finally running out the door to the sound of my boyfriend, Trip, laying on the horn of his black 1967 Chevy pickup.

Nothing is normal, and no one makes me go to school.

Mom comes in and stands at the door to see if I’m awake.

I’m always awake.

You think you can handle school today, Allie? Mom’s quiet, so if I am asleep I can stay asleep. I shake my head without rolling over. She hovers for a minute or two, so I can see her concern before she leaves to get ready for her orderly world.

Andrew is next, twin telepathy guiding him to my door. He knows or at least senses more than anyone how much I’m hurting. I know he does, because until now it’s been me on the other side, watching him hurt. You can’t share a womb with someone for nearly seven months without creating an unbreakable bond.

His wheelchair hums and bumps against the wall. Our house is small, one level, and old. Perfect for Andrew. The hallways and doors are wide enough for him to maneuver his chair.

A tap at my door, barely audible. A thump against the wall. He grasps and then loses his grip on my door handle. When we moved in, Dad changed all of the doorknobs to long handles so Andrew can open the doors, but it’s still hard for him. I should get up and help him, but my body feels like lead.

The latch clicks, and his chair pushes against the door. He moves forward until the door opens enough for him to see my bed. I roll over so I can see him, but he stays in the doorway. That’s new, the invisible wall between us, a barrier at the threshold of my room that he never crosses anymore. He breathes hard and speaks in his halting voice that almost no one outside our family can understand. Okay, today, Al? School? Andrew is smart—brilliant—but most people think he’s mentally retarded because of his body and the way he talks.

Andrew has cerebral palsy, brought on by a lack of oxygen when we were born—eight and a half weeks early. I came out screaming like a full-term baby. He was cold and blue. His body is twisted and barely in control, but his mind is sharp. His injuries from our birth are easy to see. Mine are less obvious.

I shake my head and avoid Andrew’s eyes, but I’m drawn there. His eyes are soft, brown, and deep. The pain I see there, pain for me, makes me look away.

You … should. He licks his lips and his bad hand shakes. He forces a smile. I could … He’s trying so hard to talk, so hard to convince me to get out of bed. For his sake, I wish I could get up.

I burrow deeper into the quilt, worn flannel patches my only protection from everything I’m not willing to face. I just—don’t look him in the eye—I can’t. The waver in my voice matches his. Not yet.

He lingers. I close my eyes so I don’t have to see his face.

Andrew, breakfast. Mom’s voice floats from the kitchen. Andrew’s chair whirs down the hall. The red numbers slide by on my clock. Morning sounds float muffled through the walls and into my room. Dishes clink, the sink turns on and off. Dad tromps across the kitchen floor. Mom helps Andrew with breakfast. His bus pulls up out front.

Our house is so small you can hear everything that everyone does or says. Not a good place for keeping secrets. Even the outside walls are thin. The parade of life going by sounds so close it could be marching through my bedroom. Grade-school kids laugh. Another bus hisses to a stop. A motorcycle roars by; Trip’s friend Randall, probably with Angie Simmons glued to his back. If I sat up and opened the blinds, I could watch the whole thing from my bed like some reality TV show—a reality I’ve never belonged to.

How can they keep going like everything is normal?

The days have started to run together, but I think it’s the fifth day of school, the second week of what would be my senior year. Over a month since the accident and three weeks since I came home from the hospital. There’s an untouched pile of schoolbooks and papers in the corner by my desk. Blake brings my homework by every day—at 3:08—part of my new routine.

I slide out of bed because Andrew didn’t close the door all the way. The outside air coming in around the edge makes me feel exposed. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror over my dresser when I stand up. Wounded, scarred. Ugly. I can’t even look at myself. I’m glad Trip can’t see me like this.

He would hate my hair.

Trip never wanted me to cut it, not even just a trim. Before the accident it hung—long and thick and gold—to the middle of my back. I run my hand through what’s left. It still surprises me how soon I reach emptiness. They shaved a swatch a couple of inches wide and almost six inches long across the back of my head, but someone in the hospital took pity on my blond locks. They left enough length to cover the gash. For a while I had a morbid, half-bald, punk ponytail to go with the Frankenstein stitches across the back of my head and over my right eye. When I came home, Mom’s friend layered it into a sort of bob that brushes against my neck and sort of covers the bald spot. It looks horrible.

I touch the wound that’s morphing into a scar on the back of my head. Coarse new hair pokes through where the stitches used to be. It itches. I guess that means it’s healing.

Trip’s eyes follow me to the door. Bits of our relationship are mounted on every wall and rest on every flat surface of my room. Pictures of us together are lined up on shelves and stuck in the corner of my mirror—prom, homecoming, us just goofing off.

Only the last one, the one from the cotillion, the last picture ever taken of Trip, is missing. I put it on the top shelf of my hutch—the shelf I need a chair to reach. I shoved it there without even looking at it. Trip’s parents gave it to Mom after the memorial service because I was still in the hospital. Memorial service—I guess you can’t have a real funeral without a body.

I reach to shut the door but hesitate when I hear Mom and Dad talking in the kitchen. I’m still not used to hearing Dad’s voice. He was deployed for almost eighteen months and then back and forth between here and Fort Lewis for the last six. Now that he’s retired from the Army, he’s been trying to get his auto shop going. His being home this late is a bad sign—no appointments and no cars to work on in the shop. He’s a really good mechanic, but business hasn’t picked up yet because everyone in town is loyal to Barney’s Auto Shop. Dad says that Barney’s is a rip-off, but they’ve been the only shop in town for like forty years.

The guys at the café were talking yesterday, Dad says. A chair scrapes against the wood floor. I guess there’s a new cop at the police station. At least they’re talking about something other than me. Dad isn’t a coddler. Twenty years in the Army made him tough. He harps on Mom to make me get up, go to school—get on with my life.

Oh? Mom sounds amused. How long do you suppose this one will last? Pacific Cliffs is a small town, one of those places where everyone knows everyone and no one locks their doors at night. The long arm of the law is Police Chief Jerry Milton—Mom’s date to junior prom. Chief Milton by himself has always been sufficient police for Pacific Cliffs, until now.

Dad’s heavy footsteps cross the floor. This guy was brought in from Seattle, some kind of special investigator or detective or something.

A detective? Here? Mom laughs, but it’s a nervous laugh.

My guess is Mr. Phillips has been putting pressure on Chief Milton to reopen the investigation. Dad sounds casual, but the weight of what he’s saying presses against the scar on the back of my head. I open the door an inch more and take a half step into the hall.

Why would he … ? But Mom works for Mr. Phillips. She knows that answer almost as well as I do.

Dad sets his coffee mug down on the countertop. My guess is he thinks Chief Milton didn’t take the accident investigation seriously. That maybe there was something he missed.

I grip the door handle. I want to shut the door and shut out what he’s saying. Instead I slide between the door and the frame and listen closely.

He wouldn’t want to talk to Allie, would he? Mom’s trying to match his casual tone, not quite pulling it off.

If he’s reopening the investigation, she’s the first person he’ll talk to.

More questions? Things I can’t answer. Things I don’t remember. Things I don’t want to remember. I was too sick, too hurt before. Everyone felt sorry for me. But now …

Hasn’t she been through enough? Mom sounds sincere. I wish I could believe that she could protect me, but I know better.

Honestly, Lu. Dad sets the coffee mug down again. I think he might be right. If I were Roger Phillips, if it were my kid who got killed, I’d want it all looked into, too.

I don’t know what good a ‘special investigator’ will do. Mom says the title with disdain. The sink turns on and Mom raises her voice. Does she know I’m listening? Everyone knows Trip was reckless in that truck, and that there was probably alcohol involved—

No way to prove that one way or another. Not with the little bit they got from the accident scene. Seems like they should have spent more time looking for—

—small town, remember? Mom sounds offended, like Dad made a personal attack on Pacific Cliffs. We don’t have the resources—

—exactly why Mr. Phillips brought in this guy. It will help everyone if—

I take another step forward and my foot comes down on something soft and fuzzy. My scream mingles with the cat’s yowl as she streaks away toward Andrew’s room. I stumble forward and reach for the door handle, but my hand slips and I end up on the floor.

Allie. Mom’s voice wavers. Is that you?

I want to crawl back to my room, but Dad’s already coming down the hall. Caught by my clumsiness. Again.

He reaches a hand to help me up. Are you okay?

I don’t answer. It’s too hard to lie to Dad.

Hungry?

No, sir. That’s the truth. There’s no room for food around the hole in my stomach.

No school today? His voice is gentle, but I can feel his eyes boring into my forehead.

No, sir. I roll a piece of lint caught in the pocket of my sweats between my fingers. Mom stays hidden in the kitchen. I can hear the dishes clink as she loads the dishwasher.

Dad puts a hand on my shoulder. I flinch, but control it enough that I don’t think he notices. You need to get back into life. This staying in your room all the time—

Is someone else going to come talk to me? The question slips between my cracked lips before I can stop it.

Were you … did you hear? Dad’s voice is sharp. I lower my head. He’s been gone long enough that I’m not sure what the penalty is for eavesdropping.

The door was open. My voice comes out hoarse from lack of use.

He nods. I guess it’s better if you know. Yes, somebody will probably want to talk to you.

About the accident? Stupid question.

About the accident.

But I can’t … I don’t remember anything. I plead with my eyes. Maybe he can protect me.

Are you sure, Allie? It might give the Phillipses some peace if they knew exactly what happened that night. He squeezes my shoulder. I think he means it to be gentle, but it makes me feel trapped. I think it would give you some peace, too.

I don’t remember anything. I pull away and back toward my bedroom. I’m sorry. I’m going back to bed. I … I … don’t feel good.

He half reaches for me again, but I keep moving.

My head hurts. That’s the truth, too. I close the door tight behind me while he watches from the other side.

Instead of going back to bed I’m drawn to the closet. The doors are closed so I can’t see it, but in the back there’s a black garment bag, so long and full that it could be a body bag with an actual body stuffed inside. Sometimes I imagine that it is a body bag and if I open it up I’ll see Trip. It really holds the dress—long and bloodred, strapless, with little pearls and white lace across the front. It isn’t really a color I would have chosen, but I didn’t pick the dress out for myself.

The scar on the back of my head throbs.

Do you like it? It’s to wear to cotillion.

Cotillion is a big deal in Pacific Cliffs. It goes along with the Beachcomber’s Festival, the biggest event in town. There’s a fair with vendors and tourists, a pageant, and then the dance. Last summer, the last summer I had planned to ever spend in Pacific Cliffs, the cotillion fell on my eighteenth birthday.

But it’s not a birthday present.

Trip was such a little boy whenever he had something to give me. His crystal-blue eyes would sparkle and his expression would vary from excitement to fear and doubt, and back to excitement. I can still see his face, the way he tilted his head. How excited he was for me to see the dress. The pain spreads from the back of my head, cuts across my right temple, and curls around the smaller scar above my eye.

I’m saving something special to give you on your birthday.

My whole head throbs.

It hurts too much to remember.

Chapter

2

Blake shifts his weight from one foot to the other. He’s standing at the door to my bedroom like he’s held back by the same invisible wall that keeps Andrew out. I brought your homework. He holds the paper out for me to take but doesn’t move to come inside. All of my schoolbooks are already in the corner so we’re down to assignment sheets.

I cross the room to him and run my hand through what’s left of my hair, knowing how bad I must look.

He won’t look me in the eye. Funny how we’ve gotten to this point again—him at my door, coming to see me every day. Like we’ve erased two years of hurt feelings and not speaking to each other. But not entirely erased. There’s still a barrier between us, like scar tissue left behind from a wound that’s been forgiven but will never be forgotten.

Pre-Trip, Blake was my best—make that my only—friend in Pacific Cliffs. Our grandmas were next-door neighbors and best friends. Since he lives with his grandma and I visited mine for a couple of weeks every summer, we saw each other a lot. During our summer visits he was my coconspirator in adventure, my partner in crime, and the only kid who wasn’t weirded out by Andrew’s wheelchair.

Blake was also my first kiss.

Trip was jealous of my friendship with Blake. For those two years, it was better for Blake and me to pretend that we didn’t know each other. I guess I don’t have to worry about that anymore.

Do you have anything for me to take back? Blake shifts his weight again as I take the paper from him. Anything you’ve finished?

I shake my head no and step back into my room.

This is the point when he should leave, when he always leaves, but today he leans against the door frame. The assignment for art is kind of weird. I could explain it to you. What’s written on the paper probably won’t make much sense.

I’ll figure it out. Not that I have any intention of actually doing the assignment. Last year I killed myself to get good grades. Studied until my eyes crossed and my brain hurt. It went along with my plan for getting out of Pacific Cliffs permanently. But it doesn’t matter anymore.

Blake rubs the front of his neck, clears his throat, and then rubs it again—a nervous tick he’s had as long as I can remember. Even Trip noticed. He used to do that when he made fun of Blake. He clears his throat one more time before he finally speaks. When are you coming back, Allie?

I touch the back of my head. I don’t know. The truth is, I’d be happy to never leave this room. No, happy isn’t the right word, maybe comfortable. Except comfortable doesn’t fit my self-imposed prison either. The only word that fits is terrified. Terrified to leave this room and face …

What? I’m not sure. It’s not like anyone is going to be mean to me. They’ll all be nice. Dripping with niceness. And that will be worse.

Even Hannah George will be nice to me now, keeping up her Beachcomber’s Queen appearance. Hannah was never nice to me before. Not that I could blame her. She was Trip’s girlfriend before me. They’d been together since seventh grade. But the summer I turned fifteen she spent a couple of weeks at a basketball camp in California—the same couple of weeks I was in Pacific Cliffs. The summer Blake was gone.

I had watched Trip skim boarding along the edge of the surf for a long time before he acknowledged me. It was July, but the beach here is pretty much always cold. I was wearing a bikini top and board shorts—hoping he would notice.

Hey. Cat girl, right? Trip had called. The summer before he had helped me rescue Sasha, a little tiger-striped kitten, from a crab cage, a cage Blake was convinced Trip had put her in.

Allie, I yelled back.

Right, Allie. You still got that cat? He tucked his skim board under his arm and started walking toward me.

Yeah. I shrugged, but my heart was pounding under the narrow string that held the two halves of my swimsuit top together. She lives with my grandma.

In his wet suit, the blue one that brought out his eyes, Trip looked like a surfer Ken doll. The suit hugged his chest, and his hair fell in wet waves over his ears. He stepped closer. So, you around for a while?

I tried to stay casual and barely glanced up from my magazine. A little while.

He stopped so his shadow fell on the page I pretended to read. A drop of water slid off his hair and onto my arm. Long enough for me to teach you how to skim? He nodded to the board under his arm.

I remember looking up, seeing his grin, and wondering how anyone could get tan on this beach and how anyone could have teeth that white.

I never figured out how to skim, another in a long line of coordination-required, failed sporting attempts. It was really just an excuse to hang out with Trip. I didn’t know about Hannah then, or if I did, I’d forgotten. It didn’t make much difference. When Trip kissed me good-bye at the end of my visit, I didn’t expect to see him for at least a year. I didn’t know I would be back six months later, this time as a resident of Pacific Cliffs. Dad was being deployed again—the last time before he retired from the Army. Grandma’s health wasn’t good so we moved here before he left. Pacific Cliffs was my mom’s hometown and where Dad promised her we would live once he was out of the Army, so we stayed even after Grandma died.

Trip dumped Hannah for me as soon as I moved in. That was enough to make every girl at Pacific Cliffs High School despise me. They were all loyal to Hannah because they’d known each other since they were in diapers. I was the outsider who stole the hottest guy at school. They’ve all hated me since I moved in, one of about a million reasons for me to avoid going back there.

Blake is still at the door—waiting for something. Sasha, the kitten Trip rescued—now a fat cat—weaves herself between his feet. He bends down to pet her and she raises her head and rubs against his hand. She used to arch her back and hiss at Trip whenever he tried to touch her. A lot of thanks I get for rescuing that beast, he would say, and laugh. It made me wonder if Blake was right about Trip locking her in the cage.

Why don’t we go for a walk? We could go to the beach. It’s actually a nice day, and you need to get out of the house. He nods toward my window.

I can’t. It hurts when I shake my head. Even if I wanted to go, there are two major problems with me and Blake going for a walk. One, the cliff road that Trip drove off that night is visible from any point on the beach, and I don’t know if I can stand to see that place again. And two, the second I go anywhere with Blake the rumor mill will be unleashed. Some girls have to worry about a story getting around school. In a place the size of Pacific Cliffs, the whole town knows your business almost before you do. Like my house, Pacific Cliffs isn’t a good place for keeping secrets.

Oh, yeah, well. He looks down at the floor and digs into his pocket. One lock of sandy hair slips over his eyes when he looks up at me. I resist the urge to brush it back. He clears his throat—Um—and brushes his hand across his neck. I have something for—he clears his throat again—something that’s yours. He holds out his hand.

I gasp and take a step back.

He’s holding a palm-sized stone, round and polished smooth, dark brown with gold stripes that dance in the light like they were alive.

Guilt flashes across his face. It’s yours, isn’t it?

Where did you find it? I barely breathe. My heart thumps, and my scar pricks for attention, but my fingers ache for the familiar smoothness of the stone’s surface, for the bumps along one side, and for the rough spot in the middle.

He swallows. Up the cliff. By the road. He breathes in. Where they found you that night.

The side of the road by the cliff is covered in loose rocks, sand, and scrubby beach grass. Blake finding the tigereye by accident is improbable. Finding it even if he searched for a long time would probably be impossible. But I don’t question him. I reach for his hand, dig the rock out of his palm, and slide my thumb across it.

It feels warm from Blake’s touch.

Tigereye stone, the old woman at the fair had said, beautiful and rare, like your eye.

The freaky one, Trip said, and James and Randall laughed. My left eye is normal—dark brown, but the right one has a streak of gold in it. A little bit of extra pigment. Something that made me feel special when I was a kid. Now it just makes me feel like a freak. And now that my freaky eye is framed by a lumpy scar it looks freakier than ever.

Trip didn’t buy the tigereye the woman was trying to sell him. That one was bigger and strung on a silver chain. He told her it was cheap junk. The woman gave me this smaller stone when I came back to her table looking for my lost purse.

Tigereye is powerful, she said. It gives the bearer the attributes of a tiger—empowerment, strength, courage.

I press the stone into my palm until it hurts. I look up at Blake. Thank you.

He backs away. I’d better go.

I nod and push the door closed. Before it clicks shut he adds, I’ll see you tomorrow.

Chapter

3

I can get away with staying in my room for most of the day, but I’m still required to eat dinner with the family. As soon as I get to the table, I know something’s up. It’s the way my parents are sitting—their chairs a little closer together, a little farther from me. Mom twists her napkin. Dad has his hand on her back.

I’ve seen this too many times before not to know what’s going on. They’re presenting a united front.

Mom and Dad and their united front always meant something in our lives was about to change or that I was in trouble—another move, Dad being deployed, problems with my grades.

Usually when they do this, Andrew and I sit opposite them, close together, my hand touching his under the table—our own united front. In seven moves, six different schools, four states, and two foreign countries, our only constant was each other. Dad got deployed, Mom cleaned and purged and organized. Andrew and I stuck together.

Only this time there’s a subtle difference. Andrew’s chair is parked closer to them than to me—too far away for me to reach his hand. And he won’t look at me.

Dad clears his throat. Allie, we need to talk. Mom nods to show their unity. We know the accident was hard on you. And losing Trip, but you have to get on with things. You need to go back to school. You can’t stop living because—

I look up at him. Meet his gaze hard. Dare him to finish that sentence. Because Trip is dead.

He looks away—a first. I’ve never been able to stare down the sergeant major before. He stands up, breaks ranks, and walks all the way around the table. He looks down at me. This time I look away. I’m used to Dad being strict and unfeeling, but the tenderness in his eyes I can’t take. Trip is gone, honey. He touches my arm. I study the brown-gold patterns in the scarred wood floor. They remind me of my tigereye. He isn’t coming back. And it’s time for you to start living again.

They keep saying that. Trip is gone. Like I’m holding out some hope that he’ll come back, pull up to the driveway, bound up the front steps with flowers or a present for me, to apologize for being gone so long.

We think maybe you need to see someone. Mom’s voice cracks. Ms. Holt from the school said she knows a woman down in Aberdeen. A grief counselor—

No. The

Reviews for Breaking Beautiful

[68papyrus · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Breaking Beautiful was a creepy young adult psychological thriller dealing with the lingering affects of an abusive relationship. Allie is on the long road to recovery after being in an abusive relationship which ended when her boyfriends pickup truck plummeted over a cliff into the icy waters below. Although, Allie sustained serious injury in the accident she survived the crash but has no memory of what happened. Blake, Allie's best friend since childhood along with her twin, Andrew are trying to help with the recovery process and remembering that tragic evening. I enjoyed this book and the relationships between the characters particularly Allie and Andrew. I liked how protective they were of one another and how close they were. It was also nice to see Allie's character grow and become stronger. The author tackles this tough subject matter in a real and moving way. 4 stars!

[hopebird-1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Heartbreaking love story and mystery that ultimately leaves you uplifted. Story of a teenager who has to piece together missing memories of a catastrophic incident in her past while facing some hard truths about herself, her family and friends and the adults around her. She learns that love triumphs in unexpected ways.

[brainannex · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Another girl loses her memory and is she the victim, the killer, the secret weapon in a government program, a genetic copy paid for by parents. The gimmick is getting lots of use this season but if you can get past the first chapter, the rest is a very strong study on memory and trust.

[a_reader_of_fictions · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Wow. After my last Apocalypsies read was such a disappointment, I was a little worried that my streak of awesome reads from those guys might be over. Well, most assuredly not. Breaking Beautiful captured my interest right from the beginning, and the continued to suck me more and more. Although the cover didn't capture my interest, I am impressed, now having read the book, with how much more accurate it is than most. Good job, Bloomsbury!

Breaking Beautiful is another one of those books that falls into the 'wonderful but so depressing it will feel like you're being eviscerated emotionally' category. I've been reading a lot of these lately, and apparently I love them, even though as a younger reader I mostly only liked happy books. I do not want to think too much about what this change in my tastes says about me.

Allie definitely doesn't handle things the way she should have. Sometimes I wanted to cry and ask her what she was thinking. BUT there is no way I could not feel completely sympathetic towards her. She behaved the way she did because she went through so much emotional and physical abuse. In no way will I judge her for not reacting a certain way. ALL of my rage goes to Trip and to all of the people who suspected what was going on and didn't say anything. Not to get all preachy, but seriously, ladies, do not let anyone do this to you. Or gents, too. No one deserves to be abused, and, if you suspect it, do something...carefully.

What made this book work, I think, was definitely Allie's character. In her every word and thought, you can feel the specter of Trip hanging over her head. Memories of him flit constantly through her head, judging her and terrifying her, continuing to hurt her in the only way he now can. His influence on her is so obvious; this is why we can relate to her so well, and feel with her.

Jennifer Shaw Wolf definitely made me tear up. This is a beautifully written book on an incredibly dark topic. If reading about abuse doesn't interest you, there's also a murder mystery. This book is beautiful, as suggested by the title, and excruciating. I highly recommend it to those who like dark YA stories with depth.

[ellasinger · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I loved this book! It was so entertaining, and it showed how abusive relationships really are. This book had mystery, romance, drama, and a bit of action. It was just my story!

[bookspot · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Allie's small town of Pacific Cliff's is mourning the death of her boyfriend, its golden boy, Trip. Trip died in the accident that sent his truck plunging off the seaside cliff - Allie survived but with no memory of the night or the accident.Now, as she's recovered enough from her injuries to return to school nearly everyone seems to expect her to miss Trip as much as they do and in the same way. Only, while Allie might not be able to remember the night of the accident - the cotillion dance, the drive afterwards - she does remember the abuse she suffered at the hands of Trip. The abuse seemingly no one knew about.With a new detective in their sleepy town, there to reopen the investigation into Trip's death, will Allie be able to continue to keep her secrets? And will she ever remember what happened the night of the accident? Will she even want to?Breaking Beautiful is so much more than a story about a girl who can't remember something. Or a girl with secrets. Jennifer Shaw Wolf's debut is full of complex characters - from Allie to her brother Andrew, her childhood friend Blake, even some of the more minor school friends/foes - who have their own complicated pasts and presents that play into their motivation. It's a book that doesn't take things lightly and it doesn't let readers into the story lightly. We meet Allie after she's already survived the accident and is struggling with how to remember Trip, her abusive boyfriend who's died rather tragically.With a military father she's been the new girl all her life, but now they're in her mother's hometown, where everyone knows everyone, something Allie always thought she'd be grateful for. Except that now, with Trip's death, she's seeing the darker side of that. Allie doesn't act the way everyone wants/expects her to and things quickly get very hard for her. The way that Wolf writes this is gripping, painful, and full of tension. While you do, at times, want to tell Allie something to do, there's never a surefire fix.Her only ray of possible hope is her old friend, Blake. She'd left him behind recently but he seems to still be willing to be there for her. And he was, maybe, the only person in town who didn't love Trip.Breaking Beautiful's plot packed so much more of a punch (literally and figuratively, I suppose) than I anticipated - I loved it.A mystery, a romance, as well as a great look at friendship, family relationships and personal struggles, Breaking Beautiful is full of twists and turns right up until the end. You'll feel for the characters - even those you aren't sure have the best intentions - and hope everything turns out okay for all of them.

[ahandfulofconfetti · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Breaking Beautiful was the first book dealing with abusive relationships that I've read. The subject matter always made me leery, because it could so easily be done incorrectly. But I liked the fact that this book involved a mystery: Allie's boyfriend, Trip, is dead, and Allie can't remember what happened that night. She is automatically looked at with suspicion because she survived and he did not. It doesn't help that Trip is seen as a perfect boyfriend, and was extremely popular in their small town. (It also doesn't help that his father is loaded and single-handedly brought tourism back to the town, rejuvenating it.) But the reader - and Allie - are aware of the darker side of Trip: the fact that, when he got angry - which was quite often - he'd take that anger out on Allie. Allie is afraid to say anything, though, because she doesn't want people to know what Trip did, mostly because she fears that they'd never believe her (and that it would just make her look even more guilty regarding his death). Allie spends much of this book afraid: afraid to remember, afraid to tell anyone the truth, afraid of what others think about her. The book encompasses Allie's journey as she tries to move on, and also her growth as a character.One other thing I loved about this book was Allie's relationship with her twin brother, Andrew, who has cerebral palsy and is confined to a wheelchair. Allie tries so had to protect Andrew, because she feels like he isn't as strong as she is, but in truth it was Andrew who was the strongest character in the story. I loved seeing their little talks, the flashbacks to when he tried to help her with Trip, and just their little day-to-day conversations and the way they lived their lives and interacted with each other. This was a really great sibling relationship, and was probably one of the strengths of the book. I also thoroughly enjoyed Blake, and the way we got to see what his and Allie's relationship looked like prior to her meeting Trip. I also loved the fact that, to Blake, Andrew was just another person and wasn't anything strange or different because of his disability (and I ADORED Caitlyn, the girl Andrew starts dating during the book). Blake was such a great character: fully developed, with interesting an interesting back story, who's dealing with a number of things that no one knows about. He's aware of what others think about him, and doesn't care. The only person he cares about is Allie, and I give him so much credit for never giving up on her, even when she treated him horribly. I liked the slow development of his relationship with her, his little insights into what she's thinking, and how he just really cared about her from the very beginning. Their relationship was so well-developed that by the time they were "together" it was just perfect, including Allie's insecurities and worries about what the relationship might imply to others.The abuse was dealt with in a really realistic way: you see the flashbacks to what Trip did to Allie (aside from the accident that killed him), you hear her inner monologues in which she puts herself down, and you see her reactions when people raise a hand to her (even if they're not going to hit her), or get angry with her. Her whole personality screams, "I've been abused," and it's kind of amazing that no one realized what was going on. There were so many lines that just really spoke to me: "I glance around out of habit, to see if anyone is watching before I approach [Blake]," (10%), "[Trip would] get mad if I had something to do that didn't involve him," (14%), "With Trip around, I was isolated from the rest of the school, but I was isolated with him for company. Now I'm just alone," (34%). And then there was the box of her mementos that absolutely screamed "this is what an abusive relationship looks like!" You had the apology letters - "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, please forgive me, I didn't mean it, etc," and the expensive gifts to make up for when he hurt her. You had all the pictures in which she didn't ever really look happy, or looked horribly stressed out. The whole thing just really made me so sad for her, especially her overwhelming fear and the way she'd changed her entire life for this one guy who treated her so badly. And the fact that she believed him when he'd put her down, and how she wouldn't believe Blake when he said something nice about her just really broke my heart.And throughout all of this, you have the overarching mystery of what happened the night Trip died. Allie is being followed, being given threatening letters, and is really struggling to figure out what happened to her (and is torn about whether she even wants to know what happened). I felt like the mystery was really well done, because I was just as confused as Allie was and had no idea how everything was going to turn out. I just really wanted Allie to find the strength to remember, to free herself from Trip's memory, and to start realizing that she was so much better than he'd wanted her to think she was. And most of all I wanted her to realize just how perfect Blake was for her, and how much he cared for her.Everything about this book was so well done, and I've gone on about what I liked so much you're probably wondering why I took a star off. The truth is that this book starts kind of slowly; I didn't find myself really engrossed until about 40% into the narrative. But once I hit that point, the book was hard to put down, as I just wanted to know what was going to happen, and what the truth about Trip's death was. I stayed up far too late last night to finish it, because I got to the point where I couldn't stop reading. Even with the darker subject matter, there is a lot of hope in this book, not only hope for Allie to heal, but hope that everything will work out for the best. All in all this was a really fabulous debut novel.Breaking Beautiful is now available in North America from the bookseller of your choice. I highly recommend you pick up a copy.An e-galley was provided by the publishers via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Quotes taken from an uncorrected e-galley.

[thehidingspot · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I think I have an unhealthy interest in characters that suffer from memory loss. Seriously. From the moment I read the description of Breaking Beautiful - and saw the foreboding cover - I knew I'd have to read it. I didn't have a choice; it demanded my attention.While it was this one detail, the amnesia, that drew me to Breaking Beautiful, it was actually the abusive relationship that Allie keeps so carefully hidden that kept me transfixed. Having been in a couple rather unhealthy relationships myself, my heart broke for Allie. I think it's often hard for people to understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship, and perhaps you can never fully understand if you haven't experienced it for yourself (and you should be happy of that!), but Shaw handles the subject with careful hand. She gives an honest, sensitive portrayal of an abusive relationship, showing that abusive relationships are not starkly black and white for those intimately involved.The presence of amnesia in a novel's description often signals mystery, which is true of Breaking Beautiful. For most the novel, I really wasn't focused on what happened the night Trip died. I was much more interested in Allie, her story before Trip died, and the fallout of the accident. Gradually, as Allie regained her memories and a romance developed with her best friend, Blake, I remembered that what happened the night of the accident was actually quite important. Assuming Trip didn't kill himself, somebody helped cause his untimely demise... and quite a few characters had motive. Still, I had no idea what happened that night and discovered the truth right along with Allie, which was quite powerful.I highly recommend Breaking Beautiful to fans of dramatic contemporary YA. Shaw's debut isn't cute and bubbly, though it does have definite light woven into the dark themes and issues. There is a heaviness to this book's content, but it is, ultimately, a hopeful story. I look forward to more from this author!

[melanie_mccullough_4 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

So far this year I've read two books this year about girls, car crashes, memory loss, and a night they would rather forget. This is definitely the better of the two. Not that the other was bad. It wasn't. It was great. I gave it four stars. But Breaking Beautiful falls into the category of books that remind me what literature could be and should be. It made me remember why I love to read and busted me out of a slump that was threatening my ever-growing TBR pile. I didn't want to read before I picked up Breaking Beautiful. I was tired of being disappointed or just feeling meh about a book. Now, I'm excited. I know that somewhere in that large stack of books is another story that I don't want to miss out on. I'll continue to read the blah of the book world if it means I might find another gem like Breaking Beautiful.We're told early on that Allie's boyfriend Trip was an abuser. Through pieces of her scattered memory we see the kind of pain he inflicted upon her and we see how each incident breaks her spirit--her sense of self-worth--a little bit more. To say that I was glad Trip was dead at the onset would be an understatement. I was thrilled. But just because the abuser is out of the picture does not mean that the affects of his abuse disappear. Allie still flinches when someone touches her and wears sweaters to cover the bruises.She still has trouble trusting, well, anyone. Even her parents. Even her childhood best friend Blake, who, it's clear, would do just about anything for her. I absolutely adored Blake. I wanted so much for he and Allie to be together. Allie wants it too. At first, she's afraid of what people will think. That perhaps they'll think she moved on from Trip too quickly. What she gets is a town full of people who come to believe that she and Blake are somehow responsible for Trip's death. It's fear of losing or hurting Blake, more than anything else, that finally convinces Allie that she has to face what happened the night Trip died and finally tell the whole truth about their relationship.Breaking Beautiful is absolutely incredible. It will hook you from the first paragraph and it just gets better from there. When this book was anywhere near me, I was reading it. And when it wasn't, I was thinking about it. Jennifer Shaw Wolf does an incredible job of injecting suspense and mystery, giving us tiny snippets of Allie's relationship with Trip and the night of the accident. Just enough to keep the reader guessing and tearing through the pages. Jennifer Shaw Wolf is a debut author with some serious talent. I've been stalking her blog and I know that she has another book in the works called Shards of Glass. I can't wait to see what she comes up with next.

[angelafristoe · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I absolutely loved Breaking Beautiful! Not the easiest thing to say when it's about an abusive relationship, especially one that is told looking back. For me what made the story so interesting were the characters and the mystery of what really happened.Allie seemed so realistic to me. With every glimpse into her relationship with Trip I wanted to scream at her for not leaving him and for not telling anyone, but Shaw Wolf counters that with the lack of control Allie felt not just with her relationship with Trip but also with her parents. Her reasoning may not have been logical, but it was real. Her friend Blake was one of those characters that seemed to border on too perfect, but as the story progresses he shows his flaws and it gives him a more human side. He is a nice foil to Trip. While Trip is perceived as the local good boy by just about everyone other than Allie, Blake is seen as the bad boy. Pretty much the opposite of who they really were.Despite Trip not being in the alive during the story, he was a pivotal character and his rapid and frequent mood swings that Allie lets the reader experience are scary and sad. He is like many abusers, capable of being two completely different people. The mystery of his death was actually one I was hoping would not be solved, because it would cause someone else to be hurt. Shaw Wolfe does an excellent job of making the reader question, through Allie's own conflicting emotions, whether they believe Trip's death was deserved, or if, no matter what kind of a person he was, he didn't deserve to die.Breaking Beautiful was an amazing debut novel and Jennifer Shaw Wolf is definitely an author I look forward to reading again.

[bookswithbite · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book is so intense! I mean, once I started the book and really got into the story line, I was hooked. What I loved most about this book is the great story line. We have missing clues, a relationship that is not what it is as well as a unsolved murder. While this plot line builds and builds to an exploding ending, the reader also get each part of the demise that has happened. With each new memory coming back fast, the reader slowly learns the truth of what happen that night.The characters of the book are well written. I think that with everything that has happen to Allie her feelings and action are justifiable. I can't imagine anyone else acting differently then what Allie went through. Allie dealt with so many conflicted emotions it was hard not to step into her shoes.There are two kinds of love in the book that simply blew me away. The love of a friendship spawning into something more and a sibling love that bring in so much loyalty. The way the story is written mixed in with amazing views of what happen, I loved it.Breaking Beautiful is an dazzling story. It scorns the reader with burning curiosity of what happen that night, leading with breads crumbs to an great ending. Rich in plot and emotions, Breaking Beautiful is fantastic!

[kmartin802_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I wasn't sure what to expect when I began this story but what I found was a compelling contemporary story about abuse from the victim's point of view. It was also a story about rebuilding a life after tragedy.Allie is trying to get over the death of her boyfriend and get over the injuries she suffered. She has large gaps in her memory about the night she was hurt and Trip died. But what the rest of the world doesn't know is that, along with the grief Allie is feeling, she is also feeling relief that Trip is no longer around to abuse her. Trip was the handsome, rich, athletic golden boy of his high school. Allie was the newcomer to town who had already been in seven schools because her father was career military. When she saw him, she was dazzled that someone so wonderful would be interested in her. Of course, Hannah George, Trip's former girlfriend, cheerleader, and the most influential girl in school, is jealous and makes things hard for Allie at school. Gradually things start to go wrong and the cycle of abuse, apology, and presents begins. Allie doesn't tell because she doesn't think anyone would believe her and, besides, she is convinced it is her fault. If she were less clumsy or more able to be what Trip needs, he wouldn't hit her. She can't tell her twin brother Andrew about it. He has problems of his own with his cerebral palsy. She can't tell her mother because her mother is encouraging her to go out with Trip and she works for Trip's father. She can't tell her father because he hasn't been around much because of his military career. Then there is Blake Evans. Blake, Andrew and Allie have known each other since they were kids. Andrew and Allie used to spend time each summer in the town visiting their grandmother. But Blake has problems of his own. He is the son of a girl who ran away with a school teacher and returned a couple of years later with a drug problem and with him. She dumped him on his grandmother and disappeared only to reappear every few years just in time to mess up his life again. Most recently, his mom took Blake to Reno to live with her and a new husband but, after the marriage fell apart, Blake got into trouble and spend some time in juvenile detention for breaking and entering. That means that he has the reputation in town as a juvie and is an outcast in school himself. This was a very engaging story. It is filled with tension. When an investigator hired by Trip's father comes to town, a lot of pressure is put an Allie to try to reconstruct those last hours with Trip while still maintaining her secrets about how he treated her. It is also the story of moving on after a tragedy and finding out who really cares for her. I liked how the relationship between Blake and Allie plays out. I recommend this one to readers of contemporary fiction. I enjoyed it very much.

[amberfib · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Breaking Beautiful absolutely blew my mind. This novel will break your heart and give you hope all at the same time. This is definitely a book that every teenage girl and every mother of a girl needs to read. Wolf puts the reader into the mind of a girl who survived a car accident that killed her boyfriend. However, she can't remember the events of that night because they were too traumatic. As the story unfolds we learn that Allie is not only the survivor of the car accident, but she's also the survivor of an abusive relationship. Wolf does a wonderful job of showing the long-term effects of abuse while allowing the reader to see exactly why many abuse survivors become defensive once their abuser is finally out of their lives. This is a story that needed to be told, and apparently Wolf was just the person to tell it.Allie used to be a fearless and happy teenager. She had to move around a lot, so she never got to make friends (other than Blake), but she wasn't miserable by any means. Once her father retires from the military, she and her family move to a small town where her mother grew up in order to settle down. Allie begins dating Trip, and that's when her life starts to fall apart. Trip is abusive and keeps her isolated from everyone and everything. He severely beats her, but she's afraid to tell anyone because she thinks no one will believe her. Trip is the richest guy in town, too, of course.Allie's character may seem weak to some, but she's actually very strong. She's a survivor, and while she may not have made the best decisions, her reasoning for the decisions she made is understandable. She's flawed, but likable. Blake is a fantastic character, and he, too, is imperfect. However, he has a good heart, and I simply loved him. Andrew, Allie's twin brother is also another surprise. He isn't at all what he seems. He loves his sister immensely, and even though he's in a wheel chair, he still tries to protect her. Allie's parents are pretty stupid most of the time, and they kind of got on my nerves. The towns people, as a whole, pissed me off, but some of them were okay. Overall, all of the characters were unique and well-developed. There weren't any filler characters.The plot was mysterious and suspenseful. I was kept on the edge of my seat throughout most of the book, and I could not put it down. I carried my Kindle around with me for a few days just so I could read in between classes. The pacing is pretty spot on, and other than the very beginning, I didn't find any parts that slow moving. I had a hard time pushing through for the first 10% or so because the dialogue was so choppy. I think that was done to show Allie's state of mind, though, since the narration is first person from her perspective. Once I got past the first little bit though, I was glad I pushed through. I usually don't like contemporary, but this one really grabbed me.The topic of this novel is dark, but it's something that needs to be talked about. I truly believe that if a dialogue is opened up about things like this, then that will help put a stop to at least some of the cases of abuse. This is an important novel, and I'm glad that Wolf was brave enough to take on this topic. I applaud her for her bravery and amazing writing skills. You're an inspiration, Jennifer Shaw Wolf. Thank you for this novel.

[Veronica · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Very well written, it grabbed my attention almost from the first page and found it very hard to put down. Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship in the past, I found Allie's relationship with her boyfriend Trip entirely believable and frightening. The book also gives us plenty of insight into Allie's background and family relationships, which made it easier to understand why she acted the way she did and why she felt so trapped in the toxic relationship she was in.

Besides the addicting story, I also appreciate the realistic, yet entirely likable main characters, especially Allie's best friend Blake and her adorable twin brother Andrew. I also enjoyed reading about the Allie's growth from a frightened, insecure girl, into somebody who's more confident in herself and is willing to learn from her mistakes. This book leaves you with a sense of hope at the end of the storm, and I would highly recommend it to anybody, especially girls and women who have been in a similar situation as hers.

[calibrary1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Book review by Meghan G., posted by CA Library:"Breaking Beautiful by Jennifer Shaw Wolf is fiction but is told as if it were nonfiction. This book is about a girl named Allie. She and her boyfriend, Trip, were going out for a ride in Trip’s old Chevy Truck, when they got in an accident. The last thing Allie remembers is Trip losing control; that is what everyone convinced her, but she is skeptical. She was thrown out of the truck and was knocked unconscious when she landed on a rock.When the emergency medical team arrived at the crash site they found Allie, but not Trip. Allie woke up in the hospital the same day. Trip’s parents had a memorial service for Trip. They assumed he died since the road they crashed on had a huge cliff on one side, they figured he was swept out into the ocean. Allie is skeptical.Allie’s life is much different when she returns to school at Pacific Cliffs. Most people are sympathetic for her but some think it was all her fault; that she caused the accident somehow.I enjoyed this book, it was intriguing and I never wanted to put it down. This book will leave you surprised. Overall, I would give this book five out of five stars."

[jacindahinten · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I was hoping to read Breaking Beautiful and find it to be beautiful. That didn’t happen. I found it to be kind of broken.I know the above couple of sentences sound a bit harsh. I couldn’t connect with Breaking Beautiful in anyway…well maybe one way. I will get to it. Let’s start off with the protagonist Allie. I didn’t feel sorry for her in the slightest. This sounds rather horrible of me since her boyfriend just died and this boyfriend was also physically abusing her. I eye-rolled SO many times. I was screaming at Allie in my head to just tell the flipping truth already! She just kept digging herself into deeper holes…it didn’t make any sense to me. If she didn’t do these things, I guess we wouldn’t’ have a story though.Allie’s parents I couldn’t stand. Allie’s mom seems to be so wrapped up in outward appearances and how her and her family are perceived in town, she doesn’t seem to notice what has been happening to her daughter and that her daughter is struggling. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to like them…I’m not totally sure. I do know that they weren’t the “smother you with love” parent types.I was one-third of the way into Breaking Beautiful and I kept wondering when SOMETHING was going to happen. Just anything. It took a bit longer after that point for the author to start moving the story forward. As you can tell, this story had a bit of a slow start for me.The one and only thing I found enjoyable in this story were two characters: Andrew & Caitlyn. Andrew is Allie’s twin brother and I fell in love with him from the start. I also loved Caitlyn when she was introduced later in the story…I won’t tell you for what reasons. She’s very accepting and is a super sweet, nice, and loving girl.