SAW: Sensational American Wrestling

By B.A. Savage

(UPDATE) If you want to HEAR two of the commercials from the book, they are on Youtube now. Working on an audio book version of this book. Coming soon. http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzy0D-Vq_evYvQZEns_BtNw

A parody on the sport of televised professional wrestling. Tex Rich, an oil rich Texan, creates his own wrestling federation where his sons can be champions but just like the real show, nothing goes as expected. Full of plot twists, off the wall commercial breaks and colorful characters, S.A.W. is a non-stop laughter filled roller coaster ride.

Has over the top commercials such as an escort service called Pimps R Us, fast food restaurant Immigration Burger. Colorful characters like James 'Boogie Down' Brown, an albino with a soulful slang tongue; Kaboom, a wrestler who has never won a match cause he always gets dq'ed, Cashless Clayton, who might actually be homeless, etc. Not Howard Stern over the top style but some that the FCC would not allow the WWE to put on T.V. without a fight.

THIS IS NOT PART OF THE MCLAUGHLIN CITY SERIES but will have its own series AND does appear throughout the MCLAUGHLIN CITY SERIES in the form of being an 'entertainment commodity' through clothing, tv show in the background, minor character appearances and vice versa. E.G. One of your favorite bad guys makes a minor appearance at the pay per view.

• Language: English
• Publisher: B.A. Savage
• Release date: Mar 6, 2012
• ISBN: 9781466180444

B.A. Savage

B.A. Savage has served as a Police Officer in the U.S. Marine Corps eight years and a private detective in Central Kentucky 20 years. Savage integrates his own life experiences and deliberations in his novels. It has always been his lifelong dream to write. He decided it was time for him to follow his dream.He is the author of more than twenty-five detective mysteries books, including the popular Randall Stone series.He and his wife Marcia live in Lexington, Kentucky. They have three grown children and four grandchildren.

Book preview

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the writer’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or person, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

An Original Publication of Savage World Entertainment.

Copyright © 2004 by Bashan Savage

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever, except for use of quotes for review purposes. For information please contact: [e-mail]

Printed in the U.S.A.

Smashwords Edition

ISBN: 978-1-4661-8044-4

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S.A.W. Book 1 Chapter 1 (The Cutting Edge)

Welcome everybody and everyone. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, people of all ages and genders. This is S.A.W., Sensational American Wrestling, as we present The Cutting Edge, and we are live from Krupp, Washington in Grant’s county. Yes, we have sold out the Keyes Arena. I’m your host, Wil B. Creamin, who has all the ladies screaming and this is our first show ever! That’s right, every Tuesday we’ll have The Cutting Edge and on Fridays it will be The Final Cut, that’s right, two shows a week, twice the action, twice the satisfaction. Now, we’re going to a pre-recorded message from the owner and creator of S.A.W., Tex Rich.

Welcome everyone. I’m the owner and creator of S.A.W. Sensational American Wrestling, Tex Rich, that’s me. And I’m welcoming you to the most exciting and delighting, high flying and mesmerizing, incredible and amazing, simply put… Sensational! American Wrestling. Tonight, we will have title matches for most of the night, since all the titles are vacant. Now, I have some last minute details to iron out, so sit back if you are at home or stand up and cheer if you’re here. Thank you fans and back to you, Wil.

Well, that was the plump president, the obese owner Tex Rich, but I’m not one to chew the fat. Well, you have it straight from the owner’s mouth, which not a lot escapes I might add, that we will have title matches all night long. Speaking of all night long, last night back at the hotel...

Oh, never mind. It’s time for the owner to come to the ring and announce the first title match of the night. The individuals he’s coming to the ring with are the Dollar Dollar Bills and Tex’s own two sons, Robert and Rick Rich. I was informed that I’m, well, we are supposed to call this group, Rich Inc, short for incorporated. Well, the owner has the mic, time to listen.

The crowd cheers the five individuals in the ring. Tex Rich, styling his big white cowboy hat, motions for the crowd to quiet down.

Once the crowd is at a quiet roar, Tex speaks, Thank you for the great reception. I’m glad to have you all here witnessing my dream come true, the birth of S.A.W. Sensational American Wrestling.

The crowd cheers.

Our first match of the night is going to be for the tag team championship of the world. Before the show started, all the team and individual wrestlers put their names or name, in a raffle. This way everyone would be gua-ran-damn-teed a fair and equal chance for themselves to get a fair shot at some gold, since I’m a fair and hard-working Texan who believes everyone should get a fair shot. Now, this will be for the world tag team titles.

Hey, nobody let me enter my name in the raffle, that’s weak. Oh well, I wrestled a lot last night, if you know what I mean.

So the first team is... Tex tears open an envelope and pulls out a piece of paper. ...The Dollar Dollar Bills!

The crowd cheers as the shocked DDB’s stand by Tex in the ring. And their opponents are...

Tex opens another envelope. ...Nobody! The crowd erupts into boos as Tex hands the DDB’s the tag belts.

What? Talk about low down dirty tricks. They even tricked me and being a man of the world, I know all about low down dirty tricks. Like the one I saw last night outside my hotel...Oh, never mind. Man, I’m so disappointed with Tex’s little trick! I thought we would see a title match for sure. I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out Milla Vanilla was lip-synching. For crying out loud, if they were gonna hand out titles, they should have given me one. I would have been appreciative and most definitely would have finished celebrating by now. Look at these idiots, acting like they actually won the tag titles or something.

The Dollar Dollar Bills continue to celebrate in the ring; climbing the turnbuckles, hugging each other, high fives, and other antics, while the rest of Rich Inc stands around. Tex seems to be enjoying the scene while his sons seem unaffected by this display.

Man, this is ridiculous! How long can they celebrate for something they didn’t even win? Well, we are going backstage now, at least we don’t have to keep watching those two. Are those tears?! Come on, give it up guys.

Hi I’m Mike Stopsign, welcoming you to The Cutting Edge, S.A.W. Sensational American Wrestling and I’m standing here with Nathan Unique Taylor, who will be wrestling later tonight. So Nathan are you excited?

Please just call me Unique. And excited? I’m apprehensively overwrought, what about you?

Um...I’m doing pretty good. Well, tonight you’ll face Cashless Clayton, which means you might do double duty if your name is drawn for a title match. Do you feel up to it?

I’m elevated to a permanent level clashing with any perceivable plane!

What?

Simply put, I’m genial!

Okay...sure you are. Well, good luck and back to you Wil.

What did he say? He’s a genital? Unique guy, I guess the name fits, kinda like mine, Wil B. Creamin, baby. Well, as Stopsign mentioned, some wrestlers do or did, however you look at it, face the chance of double duty, if they are already scheduled for a match. Anyone could have two matches, but only one for the title, I guess.

And that brings us to our first real match. Coming to the ring, hailing from Seattle and Cancun, the tag team that exemplifies the 80’s rock music attitude, a couple decades too late. The team of Rad Brad and Far Out Phil...the Rockstars!

Their opponents, teaming for the first time anywhere. First, the self-proclaimed backwoods hick...Charles Choker! And his partner tonight is the old, old, old, old school legend, who had been in the ring more times than the whole S.A.W. roster combined... Mikeal!

< Match (Rockstars - vs -Choker/Mikeal) RS wins by doing their finisher Chart Drop allowing them to gain the pin. While doing their post victory celebration, the DDB’S come down to the ring and jump them, leaving the RS beaten down in the ring. Once the DDB’S are at the top of the ring ramp, they turn around. Big Tyme has a mic. That’s what you are or anyone gets if we catch anyone using our finishing move. Big Shot speaks into his mic, Yeah, and you can name it anything you want, but you might as well call it Stomped Down cause that’s what we’ll hand out to anyone who uses it. Big Tyme says, Get it? Big Shot adds, Got it? Then they go backstage.>

Was that really called for? Not like anyone knew that was their move because they have not even wrestled yet. And since when have moves been exclusive? Let’s hope they don’t claim a chest slap too. Then they might start beating the hell out of most of the wrestlers here and some ladies backstage too.

< Backstage >

The Brooklyn Bombers are seated at a table playing cards in the back hallway while they watch the show.

I got wheels, mark us down for wheels. Nice shiny Daytons, says Bruno.

Mikeal, who just finished his match starts to walk by them until they stand up. Bruno stands in Mikeal’s way.

What do you want chump? yells Bruno.

A nervous and thirsty Mikeal tells him, I’m just going to get some water. That’s all.

Oh, you are huh? Just gonna walk up in our hood and get some water, huh?

Your hood? What’s ‘your hood’? Mikeal asked because he has no idea what a hood is, besides being on a sweat shirt.

Our hood is wherever we want it, sucka!

Yeah! the other BB’s yell in unison.

But I just want some water and that’s the only water fountain that works. Well, at least that I found...

As Mikeal tries to explain his situation, Bruno flinches aggressively and Mikeal falls down. All three BB’s laugh as Mikeal gathers himself off the floor and then runs away down the hall.

That’s crazy! They were going to beat up that decrepit old man over some water? I could see that happening if it was over him trying to avoid water, if you know what I’m saying but for crying out loud. And their hood? Who told them they could set up their hood in the back of the arena anyways? If it wasn’t for this chronic microphone pinkie injury bothering me, I would go back there, maybe...and teach those guys a lesson. Now I mean maybe go back there but definitely teach those guys a lesson, yep, definitely teach them a lesson. Anyways, it’s time for a commercial break, but before that, I would like to announce the lucky winners who will be entered into the drawing to go VIP to our first ever P.P.V. to be named later. Those winners were drawn from the people in attendance. Later in the show, I will tell you viewers at home just how you can enter. Each show until the pay per view, one from home and one from the show will be entered. Two will win the whole sha-bang! Tonight, two will be drawn from the show to make up for the home viewer slot. Anyways, the winners are Danielle N. Moans and Lauren D. Childs. Hey two ladies winners, come on down to my booth. Oh la la. Well, time for commercial break and when we come back, we’ll be joined by Tex and Rich Inc and the drawing for the Americas championship title match. Keep your fingers crossed for no more tricks.

A lady is stocking a shelf of candy behind the checkout counter with her back to the store entrance as a man walks in. The man is wearing tight fitting Capri pants and a lavender button up shirt that’s tied in the front with a knot, with the top three buttons unbuttoned and no undershirt. This exposes his curly chest hairs.

The camera pans in on the woman’s rear.

Oh girl, let me get some of that, baby. says the man.

The woman is offended by what she thought he was referring to. She turns around to find him pointing toward her. She asks, Excuse me?

Oh, some of that.

She realizes he’s pointing at the box of candy on the shelf that she was stocking, Oh, I’m sorry. These? Fruit Bootie Candies?

Yes girl, please give me a big tube.

As she reaches over the small tubes, she asks Which flavor?

Oh, I’ll take butterscotch.

As she rings in the candy, she asks, Are these any good? I never tried them before.

Oh child, once you go Fruit Booties, you’ll never want anything else.

That good, huh?

Yes. Each one has a gushy center that explodes in your mouth and in your hand if you are not careful. The man winks.

She asked as she took his money, Well, we only seem to always have butterscotch and vanilla, and I truly don’t care for either. What other flavors do they have?

Watermelon, strawberry, chocolate, grape and orange.

What about cherry or peach?

No, but those would be awful flavors anyways.

Oh well, I still might give them a shot. She gives him his change.

You should, it’ll be the best taste your mouth will ever experience.

Thanks.

Tex and Rich Inc are all standing in the ring amidst boos. I truly apologize for doing what I did earlier, but I did say I had some last minute details to iron out and it was getting the Dollar Dollar Bills, the best damn unsigned tag team in the world, signed here to S.A.W. So I had to promise them the belts. Trust me, they are that good, well worth it as you all will see very soon. Again, I apologize, but let’s keep this show going. Time for the names in the Americas title match.

Tex rips open an envelope, The first competitor is...Bobby Rich!

The crowd erupts in boos.

No, please, please hear me out! This is a shock to me. Just a coincidence, I swear. Now, we are going to have a championship match!

Tex hastily opens another envelope, And his opponent is...nobody! Here’s the belt, son.

The stadium echoes with boos as he hands Bobby the championship belt. Bobby doesn’t seem as thrilled as Tex is. Bobby and Rick look at each other, then look away without a word.

Oh this is straight bull. If I knew they were gonna just be handing out the belts, I would’ve gotten in line a long time ago. C’mon, I’m good on the mat. The ladies say I can pull off several jackhammer-like moves, if you know what I mean. And what does this all mean for the fans who came here to see championship matches? And what about the wrestlers who are not even getting a fair chance? We shoulda knew something was up when Tex said fair four times in less than four seconds earlier. Well, I guess we are going backstage and maybe we’ll find out just how some of the wrestlers feel about this.

In his locker room, James Boogie Down Brown is talking into his mirror, with a mini monitor on the counter top. Yo, this be strait ill to izzout. But yo I be chilled like a dilly-o, the peeps wanna se-zot a fresh funky show? Boogie bout to get on down, can I get down? Then he exits the locker room.

What’d he just say? With Unique and BDB around, we might have to hire a translator. Well, I was told he’s on his way down to the ring.

< James Boogie Down Brown’s Music Plays >

Now that’s old school-new school funk there, and here comes the um...how do I put it? Well simply, it’s the white...James Boogie Down Brown!

< In the Ring >

BDB is in the ring and the crowd is loving him.

Yo, yo, yo, waz be da haps my peeps?! Peepz in dah his-ouce wanna see Boogie Down hit the uptown train before da soul in the hole? If so give me a BDB, baby!

The crowd chants BDB.

Then hitz my muzak my jigga in da ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-back!

< BDB Music Plays >

Boogie Down starts dancing a mix between what looks like break dancing and techno.

< Backstage >

The Brooklyn Bombers are dealing out cards, when Bruno notices BDB on the monitor dancing. What in the..?! Bruno can’t even finish his sentence as he watches BDB gyrate his hips. Bruno says, Who is this fool making fun of our people? Let’s go kick his ass!

The other 3 BB’s agree in unison Yeah! They all head to the ring.

Oh no! Get out of the ring, you dancing fool. Oh no! Here they come. If it wasn’t for all these cords and stuff that I’m hooked to I would...probably go help.

< In the Ring >

BDB didn’t see them coming because they attacked him from behind while he was dancing. After beating him down for awhile, Bruce and Bubba lifted him up and flung him toward Bruno who nails BDB with his finisher The Decapitator power clothesline. They give each other high fives before they leave the ring. BDB was left motionless in the ring.

< Backstage >

Mikeal is laughing as he fills his container with water from the fountain