Oops! The 9 Ways We Screw Up Our Toddlers
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About this ebook
Becoming a parent is a scary thing. Even more scary when we see how some of the kids around us act. We are determined that our babies will not grow up and display those same ugly behaviors! But the first time we're fending off a nasty tantrum in the bookstore, we begin to doubt our resolve. Oops! takes you through the top nine reasons that kids act rotten. It all begins with the parents! From spoiling to hovering, not allowing kids to gain independence and learn how to work through problems makes them whiny, dependent, and disrespectful. As young adults, this leads to an inability to navigate school, build healthy relationships, and become responsible wage earners. (Live at home until you're 35 - no big deal!) Oops teaches you what parental behaviors to avoid and how to raise a happy, well-adjusted little person!
Michelle Smith
Michelle received her undergraduate degree in Speech-Language Pathology and Audiology in 1993 and a masters degree in Communication Disorders in 1995 from the University of Texas at Dallas. She completed her internship at Medical City Dallas Hospital and earned her Certificate of Clinical Competence (CCC) in 1996 from the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association (ASHA). Her most memorable case of therapy involved "Kay" - a two year old found a the bottom of a swimming pool. Seeing the dedication of Kay's mother to the recovery of her severely brain damaged child, Michelle developed an early and profound respect for all Mothers. In 2000, Michelle took a break from working to start her own family, having three girls in five years. Immersed in all things "Mommy", Michelle decided to write a book dedicated to people just like her: confused, amazed, exhausted, guilt-ridden, and baffled on what-to-do-next. Journey with her as she writes with empathy ("..while I write this very sentence, my child is trying to tear her crib apart in a raging, screaming, fit..."), dedication to getting tough ("Throw that guilt monster out the window, girlfriend!") and a professional eye for what really works in toddler discipline. Teaming up with Dr. Rita Chandler, a Nationally Certified expert in behavior, Michelle decodes the technical aspect of steps to improving problem behavior, but stays devoted to teaching discipline techniques with the emotions of caregivers in mind.
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Oops! The 9 Ways We Screw Up Our Toddlers - Michelle Smith
Oops! The 9 Ways We Screw Up Our Toddlers
Michelle Smith, M.S. SLP
Copyright ©2015 by Michelle Smith
Smashwords Edition
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in critical articles or reviews. For information regarding permission, go to www.LifeWithToddlers.com.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2015902171
The S5 Publishing Group, McKinney, TX
ISBN-13: 978-0-9816348-7-6 • ISBN-10: 0-9816348-7-7
Cover design by Chris Smith. Interior design, illustrations, and charts by Chris Smith.
First Edition
For my baby loves,
You teach me more than I teach you.
Je t’aime de tout mon coeur.
Get free printable Toddler Behavior Charts, Reward Charts, Potty Training charts and much more at www.ToddlerABC.com
Contents
Introduction: Don’t Screw it Up!
Getting Over Our Defenses
Idealistic Views: What Happened?
Training Kids to Fail
Over-indulgent Parenting? Us? Nooooo!
For Toddler Parents and Beyond
Chapter One: Worship the Helicopter
What Happens if We Hover?
Cognitive Processes: Use That Noggin!
Stop the Madness
Chapter Two: Inspire Laziness
Never Seen a Broom
Debilitating Lazy
Make Them Work? Surely You Jest
No Judgment, Just Reality
Chapter Three: Train Entitlement
Indulgences, Indulgences
Snotty-Kid Syndrome
Cheesecake Lesson
Caving-In
Demands
Attention: Too Much or Too Little?
Chapter Four: Squash Independence
Don’t Do Anything for Yourself, Mommy’s Got This
Rescue or Conquer the Walk?
Chapter Five: Forego Guidance
Just Who is Guiding Who?
Guidance and the Ability to Complete Tasks Independently
Consequences Stink
Guidance and Social Behavior
Guidance and Moral Behavior
Bad Behavior Makes Mommy Sad
Nonverbal Communication
Bad Guy Syndrome: Nice Parents Earn Disrespect
Must I Really Put Down My Coffee?
Chapter Six: Teach Everyone Wins
Medals for Everyone!
Food: It’s Not Fair!
Boo!
It Starts with Toys and Birthdays
Chapter Seven: Teach Irresponsibility
When Do We Stop Doing Everything For Them?
Speaking of the Long Term . . .
I Didn’t Do It
The Blame Game
Phones, Texting, & Electronic Yuk
Chapter Eight: Encourage Back Talk and Yelling
Whining
Expectations
Communication, Escalating Brain, & Anger
Negotiate This, Buck-o
I Don’t Know!
Yelling
Unspoken Message
Yelling is Not Discipline
Is it a Societal Thing?
Teaching Kids to Yell
Listening Button Gets Turned OFF
Chapter Nine: Put Kids First
The Price of Adorable
The Value of Comfort
Can’t Buy Me Love
Here, Let Me Feed That Ego
I Do it Myself!
About the Author
Acknowledgements
To Laura Conley, super-woman of editing, thank you for going way above and beyond. Your perspective and insight was a blessing.
Luanne, thank you for the insight and giving me ten pages of notes on that two hour drive to fifth grade camp. Yes, it took that long to write this! You are an inspiration.
Chris, it just so happens that as I write this, it is our 20th anniversary. Life with you is never dull and always special. Thank you for taking care of me. I felt blessed the day we married and still feel blessed to this day.
Introduction: Don’t Screw it Up!
We get home from the hospital with our new bundle feeling elated, sore, determined, and scared out of our wits all at the same time. We’re still riding the new baby high and are confident we will surely be able to care for something we instantly love so much. But at the same time, how the heck do we do that? There is no guide book that covers it all and no way to encompass the emotions. We are given no adequate course or training, and we aren’t required to have a license. Any dumb-dumb can become a parent, and that’s a scary thought. We are not dumb-dumbs, of course, but after a few months, you start thinking how easy it is to screw it all up.
So my first piece of advice to you sweet young parents is very basic: don’t screw it up. By reading this book, I assume you’re on board and we can safely have these conversations without fear of you chucking something sharp at me, yes? I may use very straightforward language, but I do not judge you or your parenting. I’m only trying to have fun here and hopefully keep you from tripping into the pit of suckiness that we parents find ourselves in a little more often than we’d like. You may feel guilty now, telling the little critters no,
but just wait. Eventually you’re usual thinking will be something along the lines of, Hmmm . . . I suppose I should feed them something green once a week and not holler, ‘crap!’ in front of them.
(They will repeat it, I swear.) You’d never dream it, but you will indeed relax in your parenting intensity and succumb to that’s good enough.
Toddler moms, this book is a mental leap in time. You’ll have to stretch your mind to long term, because if we don’t want to screw up the poor darlings by school age, we have to start as toddlers. No joke. It seems crazy, but the parenting habits we form early are the ones that can kick us in the bootie later.
Getting Over Our Defenses
An important note: This book isn’t about what to do; it’s about what to avoid. I’ve written plenty on how to address behavior at different ages, so don’t expect this to be chocked full of step by step instruction. Those are in my books Life with Toddlers, Toddler ABC Guide to Discipline, and Tiger Tamer. This particular book hops onto a soapbox that I normally try to avoid (success is relative on that score). However, one can only dance around the elephant in the room for so long before our feet must stop tip-toeing. So let’s adventure into what not to do!
There are always those of us who feel demeaned or condescended when blunt opinions are given on our parenting. Family members in particular feel at liberty to indulge for some reason. When told to stop what we are doing if we want to see changes in our child’s behavior, well, it gets the dander up. First off, who says we want to see changes? Did we actually ask for advice? No! So don’t attempt to tell me what I’m doing wrong, because I’m the first in line to defensively yell, No, I am NOT doing that!
To admit fault is on par with running down the street naked. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, ridicule. Ugh. Forget that!
I’m wholeheartedly on your side. I do not, however, have time to sugar coat everything for delicate sensibilities. In this book, we will delve into what we are actually doing wrong and why that’s important. While we might get rather depressed or feel beat over the head with guilt, let’s ease up on ourselves, shall we? The point of this book is to poke fun at our inadequacies and laugh while doing so. The never ending guilt we feel as parents is a good thing. It keeps us in check. But we should keep our sense of humor. We need to reflect on those guilt producers only so we can figure out what we’re doing wrong and possibly consider a better approach to parenting.
Once we name that less-than-ideal approach, we can figure out how to take positive action. But we have to put the beast on the table first. Stare at it. Look objectively. What are we doing wrong? Hopefully, since I am of no relation to you and bear you no ill-will (as long as your kid doesn’t come up and bite me on the arm), we can strip down the defenses and have a good time tackling the beast.
Idealistic Views: What Happened?
When our kids first pop out, we have very idealistic views on how our life will go. A baby doesn’t do anything but cry for his or her needs. This can get exasperating and tiresome, and we’re not perfect at it (i.e., stick them in a bouncy seat and ignore the crap out of them), but we haven’t ruined them yet. So we feed and diaper, keep them from leaping off the balcony or falling into a pool . . . these kinds of things. We work our life around keeping them safe and healthy.
Then they grow up. There is certainly a percentage of young adults who blow us out of the water with their creativity, talent, intellect, drive, and motivation. But the interesting part is the gap between those kids and the kids on the opposite end of the spectrum. Where is the middle ground? Looking around, I see a much higher percentage of kids who are as sweet as granny’s lemon pie, but my gosh, they really resist getting off the couch, pursuing an education, and moving out. So what happened?! Many parents even went overboard with their involvement while their kids were young, trying to avoid this very thing. Hello confusion!
From the outside looking in, I can see a few things. People come to me in a frenzy of oh-my-gosh-what-went-wrong-and-help! But after getting a little history, the answer is quite easy to see. We often enable our children and handicap their growth. I see it in schools all the time. As a speech therapist, I consistently go to meetings where parents insist on coddling the kids, the school caves to demands, and nobody learns a darn thing. It’s so crazy right now that if a middle or high school student flunks a test, he’s got umpteen chances to make up that grade. Does the real world allow us that many chances to be accepted to our