I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World

By Aaron Schultz

Aaron Schultz is ANNOYED, and he's decided to do something about it. No, not anything constructive, instead he just wrote a book about everything that annoys him in a series of over-the-top comedic rants.

Here are a few examples of the things that annoy the author: pretentious hipsters, people who talk loudly in restaurants, disgusting public restrooms, pandering politicians, religious extremists, intercourse remorse, overly cheerful people, overly negative people, unfunny guy who thinks he's a stand-up comic, kids throwing tantrums in public while their wimpy parents plead for them to take a "time-out," bad childhood memories, and even his own annoying self. All these annoyances are covered in great detail in this book, along with dozens and dozens more.

So if you're annoyed by life in general and you just want someone else to relate to, or if you get your jollies off on the misery of others and you delight in the fact that there is a guy that is so annoyed by so many stupid things, or if you're easily offended by foul language, lewd topics, and crass humor and you want something else to get your blood boiling, or if you just want a good laugh at this annoying world, then this book is for you. So what are you waiting for, let's all get annoyed! (Damn, that sounded so fucking annoying).

• Language: English
• Publisher: Aaron Schultz
• Release date: Feb 24, 2015
• ISBN: 9781507027943

Book preview

Table of Annoyances

Acknowledgments

Intro to Annoyance

Entertainment Annoyances

Sports Annoyances

Annoying Places

Political Annoyances

Religion Annoyances

Sex and Relationship Annoyances

People Annoyances

Annoying Kids

Animal Annoyances

Potpourri of Annoyances

Petty Annoyances

Childhood and Teenage Annoyances

Self Annoyances

The Annoying Afterword

About the Author

Acknowledgments

Thanks to everyone and everything that has ever annoyed me. The complete, total, constant, mind numbing, excruciating, and soul crushing annoyance you all have put me through has made this book possible...Oh yeah, thanks also to my family.

Intro to Annoyance

I am annoyed. I'm not happy, sad, indifferent, or psychotic, I'm just annoyed. I spend most of my life in a state of annoyance. Is this the best way to live one's life? Probably not, and that's kind of annoying. The purpose of this book is to get all this annoyance out of my system so that I may be able to function better in society, at least that's what my therapist says. If I can make a decent buck out of it, too, that won't be a bad thing.

You're probably asking yourself, Why in the world would I want to read a book that's just about some guy I don't know, bitching about all the things that annoy him? Well, I could say some bullshit thing like, Maybe there will be some things in here that annoy you, too, and maybe you'll be able to relate. But the truth is, it's just funny hearing someone get so bent out of shape over the stupidest and most trivial things. I think you'll get a kick out of it, so give it a shot. And who knows, maybe there will be some things in here that annoy you, too, and maybe you'll be able to relate.

Here's something fun you can do while reading this book, keep track of how many times I use these words: annoy, annoyed, annoying, annoyingly, and annoyance. First one to come up with the correct number gets: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! Annoyed yet? I hope that gets you in the proper frame of mind. On with the book.

Entertainment Annoyances

Music, TV, and film are supposed to bring joy to our otherwise mundane lives. Is it any wonder then that there are many aspects to entertainment that I find annoying? Oh, the hell I live in.

Critics

Just the idea of a critic is weird to me. When you were a kid and you imagined what you wanted to be when you grew up, you probably had some dreams of doing something in entertainment, whether it was becoming a huge rock star, a popular actor, or even a talk show host. But did you ever dream of being a critic of these people? Was there ever a kid that said, I love movies, and my dream when I grow up is to judge other people's movies for a living! I always wondered who was the first person that decided he could make a career out of giving his opinions on the works of others. Better yet, who were the first people that decided to put more stock in the opinions of some random guy? (Now I should add that I'm not saying that any of you fine folks out there who read and love this book and wish to share your awesome experience with the general public, shouldn't do it. If you want to enrich the lives of the masses, please by all means, write a glowing review of this book. However, if you happen to hate this book, I don't really think anyone would need to hear your opinion).

For me, it's easy to spot a good critic or a bad one. Likes most of the things I like? That guy knows his stuff. Hates most of the things I like? That guy is an ignorant shithead. There are certain types of critics, though, that I find extremely annoying.

The Picky Critic

You know the type, the critic that hates pretty much everything. If you ask me, this seems to be a depressing way to make a living. Why spend your life critiquing things that never give you any joy? People sometimes praise this type of critic, saying stuff like, That guy has high standards of quality, it takes a lot to impress him! Or maybe he's just a douche. Seriously, anybody can hate everything, it doesn't mean you are a higher evolved person because you make it seem like it's too hard to find anything you'd like. All a picky critic does is invent artificially high standards no one can possibly reach just to appear more important than he actually is. In other words, he's definitely a douche.

The I LOVE EVERYTHING Critic

I have to admit, some critics can actually be a useful tool. If you find a critic that fits your particular tastes most of the time, he can be a helpful guide. But then you have the flip side to the picky critic, the I LOVE EVERYTHING critic. Okay, I promise to stop using all caps. There isn't anything this critic doesn't like. That shitty movie that made you want to tear your eyeballs out and scream bloody murder as you ran from the theater, well, this jackass highly recommended it. Hell, he highly recommends everything. Not only is he completely useless, can you imagine going through life loving everything? I can imagine seeing this guy sitting there in the theater with drool dripping down his chin and the most disturbing grin on his otherwise vacant face. Of course, there are critics that whore themselves out to anyone; they'll praise any piece of shit for a few bucks. To them I can only ask, Where do I sign up?

The Overly Pompous Critic

The overly pompous critic is a type of critic that takes himself way too seriously. Instead of seeing himself as a mere critic, he believes he is providing an indispensable public service. His prose is grandiose, his countenance is haughty, and sometimes this pretentious snob uses swear words to appear edgy. I don't know whether to be amused or annoyed by this fop. Or to put it in a better way: I am perplexed by my internal strife in which to either achieve a sense of bemusement, or perhaps an overwhelming sensation of irritation regarding this ludicrous ass.

Bad Puns

It seems like a major requirement of any critic is to use puns. Almost every review, good or bad, has one. Too bad most of them are lame. The 40 Year Old Virgin Scores!  Friend The Social Network! Twilight Sucks! I wonder how long it took these geniuses to come up with the headline, 30 Rock Rocks!? Yeah, that major in English really came in handy. One thing's for sure, you will never see me making any crappy puns.

Reality Bites!!!

Yeah, most reality shows are crap. I must admit, when reality shows first became popular, I checked them out. It didn't take me too long to ask myself, Why should I care about these annoying people? and quit watching. Although it is annoying that there are so many of these shows on the air instead of good, quality programming, I simply change the channel or turn off the TV whenever these shows come on. The really annoying people, though, are the ones who watch this crap, but have high and mighty attitudes about it. It's one thing to admit you enjoy lowest common denominator entertainment; it's another thing to think you're so much better than the people you’re watching. What's worse, people living these sad, pathetic lives, or the people that waste their lives watching them to feel better about themselves? Here's your reality check: you're lame.

The Annoying Hipster

In every form of entertainment you will find the annoying hipster. I'm not sure it's even hip to use the term hipster. I'm sure whether it is or isn't, the hipster will mock you regardless. A hipster is the guy that only likes anything underground and is very obnoxious about it.

The Independent Music Snob

The independent music snob despises mainstream music and obsessively promotes obscure musical acts. Yeah, a lot of mainstream music does suck and maybe some people really do like obscure artists. However, methinks a lot of them only get into obscure music to achieve a perceived sense of coolness. Sprouting out names of groups you never heard of, looking down on the songs on your iPod, usually exclaiming in an over-the-top bellow, How can you listen to that shit?! Yep, that's annoying. Also annoying is the overly descriptive way they describe these obscure acts. Their music is an exotic cocktail of rockabilly thrash with a sprinkle of doo-wop and funk. Or, Her songs are beautiful sun breezes of gentle melodies with flourishes of zydeco and country. To which I proclaim, Shut your piehole, you pretentious sad sack moron with a generous amount of obnoxiousness and a huge heaping of dork!

Another annoying trait of the music snob is when an underground group he's been singing the praises of actually achieves mainstream success. Of course, now the snob will start to dislike the group, by saying, They sold out, and, Their earlier work was so much better. So a group he loves when they were underground turns to total shit when they become popular. The best example of this is Metallica. Now I'll admit, I do prefer their earlier stuff, but I still like their post And Justice for All music. And before you even think it, St. Anger wasn't that bad.

The Cult TV Fan

Along the lines of the independent music snob, the cult TV fan champions the low rated but critically acclaimed shows. If you happen not to know of or dislike these shows, prepare to have your intelligence questioned. The most annoying aspect, though, is if one of these shows ends up becoming a huge hit, like Seinfeld. You'll get the same, the earlier stuff was better crap like the music snob, but also something else even more annoying: the I discovered this first! guy. He will constantly annoy you whenever someone mentions the show by telling everyone every time: I was watching this show when no one else was, and, I liked this show before it was cool to like it. Like seeing a show before anyone else is a great fucking accomplishment. I mean, did you really do anything except put your ugly mug in front of a screen and like what you saw? Go away, you pompous ass.

The Pretentious Movie Lover

Before I even start ranting about the pretentious movie lover, I realize that this is going to be mostly a rehash of the music and TV hipsters. So, to save some time, basically take everything I wrote about the independent music snob and the cult TV fan, apply it to the movies, and add long, drawn out dissertations about scenery, camera angles, and grainy film textures, and you have the pretentious movie lover.

Bloody Hell, Those Yanks Have Ruined Yet Another Smashing Success From the Mother Country

The truth is most American remakes of popular British shows suck. What is annoying are the people who treat this as a bigger act of treason than the Boston tea party. Americans ruined another great British show is a common refrain. What's even more annoying is that the ones crying about this the most are citizens of the good ol' USA. I’m not annoyed about this because of some hackneyed sense of patriotism, nope; it's because of a flaw in the general argument. An American remake can't ruin the British original because you can still watch the British original, you jackass! Especially since no one is putting a gun to your head and forcing you to watch the American remake. So let Americans keep making lame remakes of British shows, and save your whining for something else equally unimportant, like why they keep making lame remakes of horror movies.

Award Show Overload

Much like critics, award shows are a bit weird to me. Everything is subjective, so awarding the best of anything doesn’t make that much sense to me. Still, award shows are harmless except for the fact that there are fucking too many of them. Seriously, does everyone have to give out awards? Critics, the foreign press, fellow artists, TV networks, the general public, special organizations, crazy guy you always see at the corner deli, everyone has some huge award ceremony. Well, the guy at the deli's ceremony is only in his mind, but you get the point. There are tons of award shows on TV, hell, it seems like country music has an award show on every week. After awhile, with all these award ceremonies, you would think they would all seem ultimately meaningless in the long run.  Yet, every year, they come up with even more; awarded by people or organizations you've never heard of. I think that, with a little bit of time and money, I could start my own award show, and actually get people to show up. I'll call it the Annoyees, featuring the most annoying artists in entertainment. At least you wouldn't have to worry about the lack of deserving nominees in my award show.

Jumped the Shark Has Jumped the Shark

Jump the shark is a phrase that's used to describe an event that happens in a TV show that indicates a show's descent to crappiness. It's derived from an episode of Happy Days where Fonzi water-skis and jumps over a shark. It's been said, after that moment is when Happy Days began to suck (on a side note, I don't remember watching this episode when it first aired, but after seeing clips of it now, what I want to know is how this wasn't considered the greatest moment ever on television). Anyway, the phrase was fairly clever when it first was used, but then every critic or smart ass began using it, so now the phrase is extremely tired and lame. It's like no show is allowed to do something different or change in any way because some twit is going to trot out that damned Jump the shark saying. Really, only cartoons never change, except that For Better or For Worse one, where they aged and now seemingly went back into time. So to anyone who still uses the phrase, Jump the shark, I say to you, You Jumped the shark the day you were born.

Snarkiness as an Annoying Industry

Have you noticed that there seems to be a growing industry where people crack on celebrities? Making fun of famous people is something everyone probably does when talking with friends, but it's weird that people are now making a living doing it. What makes it a little annoying to me is that the people making these wisecracks are usually untalented hacks who only wish they achieved the fame the people they make fun of have. Usually, when a celebrity fucks up, it's funny in of itself, and the jokes these pop culture comics make about them are unnecessary and unfunny. Hmm, I seem to have reached a level of snarkiness where I'm being snarky about people who are snarky. I'm on a higher plane of existence than all you people.

I'm Not a Celebrity But These People Still Annoy Me

It's hard to feel sorry for celebrities. With all their fame and fortune, they really don't have much to complain about. Yet, even though I don't have to deal with them personally, the paparazzi that torment celebrities also highly annoy me. For the life of me, I can't see what redeeming qualities these people have. I don't make a point of watching them, but while flipping through the channels, I'll occasionally catch some annoying assfarts harassing a poor, innocent celebrity. With having to deal with multiple flashes of the camera in their face and loud obnoxious pricks shouting at them all of the time, I don't see why every celebrity doesn't go all Sean Penn on every single one of these lowlifes. Of course, when a paparazzi douche does get assaulted, he gets all indignant over it like he's just an innocent, hard working man doing his job. Sorry, but in a better world, your job wouldn't exist. So to better humanity, please crawl back into the slimy hole from whence you came.

Nerds Are Not and Never Will Be Cool

It seems to be a new fad to say, Nerds are now cool. This is an annoying misconception. Basically, nerdy things have become cool, but nerds themselves are definitely not cool. All that has changed is that attractive people (in other words, non nerds) started liking what used to be nerdy entertainment. For example, a hot girl can be all, I'm into video games and comic books, I am such a nerd, but she's still a hot girl. I'm thinking real nerds, you know, like the wimpy kids with acne, who talk in an annoyingly high pitched voice, run awkwardly, and happen to speak Klingon, are still getting picked on and beaten up in school. Until that changes, nerds are still not cool.

MTV

Remember how MTV used to always play music videos? Isn't it annoying that they're still called MTV, even though there is hardly any music to speak of on their channel? Yeah, I think so,