Why Doesn't She Leave?...Ten Reasons

By Marion Hosking

Why Doesn't She Leave? is a question repeatedly asked of women suffering domestic violence. Although there are a myriad of reasons, the author offers ten. Among these are prominent cases of either murder, murder/suicide, immolation, rape and assault, all of which occurred in the Manning Valley of New South Wales, Australia. The names have been changed but the author retains the records. No one can possibly understand the dilemma of those trapped by love of the perpetrator, devotion to children and the the proven 'slave mentality' brought about by the Stockholm Syndrome. I, the author of this book, have been associated for thirty years with 'Lyns Place',Taree, New South Wales, Women's Refuge, I have witnessed the results of all of the above. Horrific is a word that springs to mind but there is no word that really describes the terror that these women endured.What began as an archival chore became a voice for all of the women for whom Lyn's Place was a refuge!
When I first wrote this book I believed change was on the horizon. Not so. The Bureau of Statistics NSW provides little hope; three women a fortnight murdered. What about the collateral damage? Motherless children, trauma of the worst kind, hate, fear, despair, future prospects? Only when male dominated, authoritarian law enforcement agencies and governments acknowledge the depth of this attack on our civil society will we see change!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Marion Hosking
• Release date: Mar 4, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310810220

Marion Hosking

Marion Hosking OAM was born in Sydney Australia . She left school at thirteen. From that moment she worked and studied. She spent the Great Depression and war years cossetted and protected by a kind, loving father and funny, loving, intelligent mother. Her interest in the women's refuge movement stemmed from seeing the wife of a prominent boxer bruised and beaten while neighbours laughingly said, 'They're at it again'! There was no sympathy for the woman.Interested in the women's movement, politics and the Humanist Society, she became concerned with the plight of women suffering domestic violence.She attended New England, NSW University gaining a BA in 2001 at age 74. In the same year she was awarded the Centenary Medal, nominated for Premier's Award. In 2006 she was nominated for Australian of Year and in 2008 invested with the Order of Australia Medal(OAM).Marion, married for 65 years, has three children and two grandchildren. She has been a business woman, organiser of seminars, secretary and now is an artist and writer. She is also 'scribe' for 'Socialist Women for Justice', a women's group concerned with social issues.

Book preview

Why Doesn’t She Leave?...Ten Reasons

Published by Marion Hosking OAM

Copyright 2015 Marion Hosking OAM at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition Licence Notes

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Acknowledgements

If the late Norma Townsend, lecturer in the School of Classics, History and Religion at the University of New England, had not said to me: 'Once you drink at the well of history all else tastes bitter', I would not have had the pleasure of writing the book from which this copy is taken.

Not content with urging me take on a bachelor of arts degree majoring in history, my niece, Robin Hammond, further encouraged me; offering to edit and proof-read a book with which she had no connection apart from her interest in women's rights. A professional editor and author, Robin gave countless hours while involved in her own studies for a master's degree. I doubt that Why Doesn’t She Leave? The Story of a Women’s Refuge would have seen the light of day without Robin’s input.

This project, an e-book which is available through Smashwords.com and all good online book stores, may not have proceeded if it were not for Jane and Rick Hosking and my good friend Leonie McGuire.

I am grateful to Dr Anne Summers, AO who, through a WEA course many years ago, caused me to be interested in women's history and wrote the original foreword (with her permission included in this 2015 version). I am indebted to the following, who, in 2005, gave of their legal expertise; Bruce Williams, Elizabeth Yager, Ant of Arts Law and Toni Bell editor of the Manning River Times.

Thank you Carolyn, Daisy, Ethel, Lorna, Margaret and Lisa, a few of the women who told me their most intimate stories but still must remain anonymous. This history could not have been written without them. Each believed that telling her story was ‘the only way anything may change’.

I also acknowledge with gratitude the Annie Danks Foundation for its grant in 2005, which gave me and the MDEA Committee the encouragement and stimulus to proceed with a book that has not been replicated until now by way of Smashwords, 2015.

Marion Hosking, OAM.

Contents

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Chapter 1…Fear

Chapter 2…A Model Murder

Chapter 3…Victims and Violence

Chapter 4…‘Good son, great brother’?

Chapter 5…‘Just an ordinary couple’

Chapter 6…‘Too much serious stuff’

Chapter 7…Why Does She Stay? Why Doesn’t he leave?

Chapter 8…Till Death Do Us Part

Chapter 9…What happens to the Children?

Chapter 10.. Child Abuse

Chapter 11..What About…?

Chapter 12..Survivor…Donna!

Chapter 13..The Language of Power

Epilogue

End Notes

About the Author

Introduction

The story of Australia's modern women's refuges is a story of heroism and perseverance. Since 1974 when Elsie was started in the inner-Sydney suburb of Glebe, hundreds of people, most of them determined women, have followed the example and acted to provide, in their own areas, refuge for women and children needing to escape domestic violence. One such example is Lyn's Place in Taree, New South Wales, Australia. This book is the story of Lyn's Place.

Starting a refuge involves a lot of things. Some of these are straightforward practical matters: finding premises and turning them into suitable accommodation, organising staff or volunteers, raising funds from governments and other agencies. This is onerous work and can be physically draining, but the biggest toll on refuge workers is the emotional one. Dealing with damaged women and kids, who suffer both physical and non-visible scars from the trauma they have experienced, is a challenging and draining experience. Not nearly enough is known about the nitty-gritty of running a refuge, especially what it's like to do it for twenty years or more. Now, with the publication of 'Why Doesn't She Leave?': The Story of a Women's Refuge by Marion Hosking, we finally know. We are all in Marion's debt for telling this story, and for telling it so well.

It is an inspiring story. It is the story of ordinary people, women and men, who volunteered their time and their energy to start something. Then they worked hard to keep it going. Over the past twenty-one years, Lyn's Place has become an integral part of the social landscape of Taree. It provides a safe haven for women who need to escape violence at the hands of their partners. It is a tragedy that the need for such a haven is not diminishing. Throughout this country, the need seems greater than ever before. But while the violence continues we need Lyn's Place and all the other refuges, and we need the heroic women who keep them going.

Marion is to be congratulated for writing the history of Lyn's Place. It is an enthralling and instructive story of the many pitfalls involved in establishing and running such a service in a rural area. Marion does not shirk from recounting the problems, including the internal management disputes, which invariably accompany maintaining such a service. She is also refreshingly frank in discussing issues involving indigenous women (who have always played a major role in Lyn's Place) and the special problems of disabled women and older women, whose special needs are often overlooked.

In the end, however, Marion's book is an inspiring one. We cannot fail to be moved by the dedication of the women who have fought non-stop to end the violence, and to provide practical assistance for those whose lives are threatened. It is a book that deserves to be widely read

Anne Summers AO.

Note: The above was written in 2003 by Dr Anne Summers AO. In 2014, the New South Wales Baird Liberal/National Party Government destroyed refuges as described above. It appears, that governments find it too difficult to deal with both 'the homeless' and violence to women so...once again women can wait…or can we?

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1

Fear

Most people, at some time or another, experience fear. Soldiers, policemen, in the course of their 'duty', know they will feel fear and sometimes even look forward to it. Some, such as mountain climbers or BASE jumpers, seek it out saying it can be addictive. For many women, the fear they envisage will be for their children but few, if any, really believe that the one they love will create for them fear of such depth that it cannot be imagined.

The prelude to that kind of fear is more often than not daily, grinding fear. Fear of his bad mood, fear of making a mistake, fear of not having the children's toys away before he arrives home, fear that dinner will be not to his liking, in fact fear of anything that reasonably or not will upset him and finally fear of leaving. Even so, none of these fears, as mind destroying as they are, match the kind of fear experienced at different times over the last two or three years by a number of women in the Manning Valley.

Perhaps, people lucky enough not to have experienced such terror should ask themselves, when shrugging off the plight of those suffering domestic violence, what is it like to feel the blade of a knife on the throat when in a lonely, darkened car park at night? What is it like to be attacked with an iron bar with such brute force that your body cannot be recognized as a human being? What is it like to be driven around the country for hours with a gun in the car and frequently raped? What is it like to be waiting day in and day out for that one day when the car is prepared as a death chamber? What is it like to be threatened with death for every imagined or real offence to your partner? What is it like to be doused with petrol and