Glass Heart

By Kyle Riley

I Am Glass Heart is the story of Noah; a young man living in New York, full of contradiction and ambition. Driven to becoming a star, Noah destroys anything and everything that gets in his way. In his journey, he stumbles through an ambivalence of confusion in lust, love, sexuality, fear, courage and compassion.

In true bildungsroman style, Noah becomes faced with many challenges that offer to plunge him into darkness and confusion.

Will Noah's search for understanding, superiority and acceptance drive him over the edge?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kyle Riley
• Release date: Mar 20, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310885402

Kyle Riley

explorer of the human condition.

Book preview

Copyright 2013 by Kyle Riley

Smashwords Edition

Glass Heart

By Kyle Riley

WARNING

Do not adjust your eyes, certain scenes have been censored or removed to comply with public viewing relations.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my imagination. All characters and events appearing in this work are entirely fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Although reality is not my primary concern, it must be said that the reality is the blueprint for our imagination. Everything that is about to happen has happened before, in my life, yours or another’s ...

Prelude

Close your eyes Noah, the shadow to my left whispered coldly, it will help

I willingly conformed, tightly closing the translucent windows that fleshed every inch of my fear. It’s ironic isn’t it? That never are you supposed to feel more alive than when you first fire the trigger of a gun, and for that to be the single action to reduce my life to nothingness.

I focused inanely on my own breathing. The murmuring purr, like the hyperventilation of an electronic cat, it made my blood run cold. Still, my other senses found a way to come alive. I could feel the dribbles of sweat bleed down my forehead like a colony of ants, I couldn’t gain control over the beating of my heart; slamming fast, and powerful, to and fro, enough to make the rest of my body weak, and my mind; schizophrenically racing through my memories... both the beautiful and the tragic. All of the people I once knew... all of the ones that I love, or have ever loved... what if they were here, in this fragment of a moment, what if they could see me, like this; how could they know what to say? What would they think of my choices?

I didn’t know if it was because I was nearing the edge of oblivion, or because I had finally seen the utter harshness of reality which had come to pass, but, I wasn’t even sure they would care.

What had I accomplished in my life? ... if anything at all.

Had I succeeded enough to have the flicker of my flame merely burn away like this... in the death of a second? Or... am I a fool to expect more, to regret the things I hadn’t said nor done.

But it was much too late to begin questioning the value of my life now.

As the weapon was suddenly reduced to nothing more than a single, black hole firmly placed between my temples, I sickly came to the realisation that these were futile thoughts.

Time slurred.

My pulse heated.

My nose bubbled of unattractive ooze. The cold, unforgiving metal slid down my moist skin, my hand trembled but still managed to hold it in place. The tears rolled down my cheeks like long foreshadowed monsoon showers; I could not hold them in any longer. My emotions, raw and disarming, there on centre stage for everyone to see.

What the fuck are you waiting for?!

The suffering I was going through; being violently abused by the creation of my own fear, was clearly evident. I was terrified, but as insane as it was, I could not leave. This was me,; standing right here, holding this gun to MY head. As my role in the great drama of life began to draw to a close, blowing out like the flicker of a candle, my life flashed eclectically before my eyes. It appeared, for a brief moment, beautiful, for what it was worth. But, it was too late, too late for me. My heart was singing its final song, and so was his; the boy who had led me into hell by promising me heaven.

I whispered one final, chilling goodbye to myself, and slowly flexed my finger on the trigger. Time to face my destiny...

Chapter One

Two years ago...

The ruby rays of the rising sun gently crept over the tips of the towering skyscrapers, its exotic tinge flooded the city and daubed the entire sky in a mesmerising red aura. Before long it broke free and pierced the shadows between the buildings, encompassing a frivolous illumination across New York City.

This carroty under hue sought out my appearance, bathing the youth of my face in a picturesque orange. My bold, blue eyes stood forward from the rest of my face; large blue beacons in a containment of red and orange. I was leaned ever so slightly forward, basking in the early light allowing my strong sun crested skin to take true form under the light. A mellow harmony filled the air and sought asylum in my ears. The dawn had marked the awakening of the day... my day.

I waited with both, crying eyes and a nervous heart on the external balcony outside of Dr. Michael’s office as he made one final decision. Who would be cast for Shakespeare's ‘The Phoenix’ this season? That was the one question everyone who had come down this morning wanted answered.

From a room down the hall, I could hear the fragility of piano keys being tap-danced over by tired fingers. To the opposite side was a raw aroma of lavender mixed with green tea.

I felt as if my heart was slowly dying. The thought of not receiving a major role was incomprehensible at this stage, as I had traded most of my life in preparation for being on that stage.

I just needed to know. I had spent weeks... months... countless sleepless nights preparing, and getting my monologue close to perfect. I couldn’t find a single reason for me to not get chosen to play lead role; the part of Prince Phoenix himself. I stared down the long, winding hallway of trashy lockers, dotted with stickers and used gum, the silence was like a desperate scream for comfort, one I could feel under my skin. Even the vacant rooms around me haunted me with their emptiness and integrated loneliness. The implicit hopelessness of desire in here somehow managed to find a way to make me feel talentless, and that I was at the bottom of a very steep slope. The easily influenced part of me was tugging at my soul again, begging me to go home, like a whimpering dog at its owner’s feet. The tinted glass windows, the smashed lights, and the death-infested garden below the balcony, only added to the shadow of intimidation I was feeling. The tainted bronze door handle to my left slowly turned with a creak, before a rather tall, and elder Asian man came to my side. I stood up instantly, wiping down my suit and adjusting my tie with pride.

We are ready to notify you of your evaluation report, he said with a perfect Southern accent.

I nodded with the force of a smile, and followed close behind him in a gentleman-like manner. He led me back into the centre of the immortally black room, below a blindingly bright spot light, facing a dimly illuminated desk. The desk had been occupied by three faceless men since the first audition this morning; anonymous judging, always the best way to go about the auditions. Their omniscience, however had petrified me during my performance, but I tried not to fear, I had wanted this for so long, and I had definitely given my all.

Mr. Hitchens? The first silhouette began with a voice meant only for radio, we are somewhat pleased to be offering you the prominent, rewarding, and vital cast role of ‘background member’ once more for this season

Background member? But I had auditioned for the lead role?

One of the three light silhouettes tittered lightly. I turned to face that general direction, creased my fingers together and wobbled my legs, just a little.

Yes, well, you are not yet ready for such a demanding role, Mr. Hitchens, that is a very... experience based role for someone much more... powerful and, in control

I can be stronger... give me a chance, I’ll... I’ll do a skit for you! Anything you request, on the spot, I can prove myself! Please, just give me a chance!

Mr. Hitchens, please, this WAS your chance, now... in contrast to popular belief we do have many more cast members to offer positions

I choked up and wanted to cry right away.

I won’t let this go, you don’t understand... this is my dream! It’s my life’s goal to play Prince Phoenix! I-

Mr. Hitchens! A deeper voice cut in, This IS our report, we don’t have time for ‘second chances’, now, we have seen what you can do and we are telling you that we do not believe you are ready yet! It is every actor in the state’s dream to have a role as such

But I’ve worked so hard

And you think you are the only one? You’ll get there eventually Mr. Hitchens, the potential is dormant

I guess I just wasn't ready... yet. Maybe they were right, maybe being ‘Phoenix’ took more, maybe it took experience, it took life, it took... I couldn’t even wrap my head around the idea of what I could be missing. I mean, when I looked at other actors I could tell they were better at this than me but I could never pick up why. It never occurred to me that I could become better.

If you should choose to accept please do so in writing and send the conformation to Head Office upstairs, I believe you are familiar with the other specifications

No. I wasn’t going to merely ‘accept’ this time. I wasn’t going to take second best. I knew what had to be done. I had to work harder, I had to become one with the best. I was going to disappear for a while, have my colours fade from everyone’s memory, and then come back, brighter, stronger, ferocious, and blow everyone away with what I could do.

Chapter Two

Present Day

The pink tinged leaves of the Cherry Blossoms floated to the ground effortlessly. I looked over at Evey; truly, I believed I was the most blessed man in the universe to be with someone so naturally beautiful. I stared politely into her crimson eyes and slowly brushed my fingers on her soft cheek.

This is like a dream she whispered gently to me.

In my head, I understood the passion of a woman’s words, what she was feeling, but I could never feel strength in what they meant to me, I was never comforted by those words. Evey had always said that she saw our bond as a relationship made in heaven, a breathtaking new love. Somehow, it was different for me, I had always thought of us being together as a declaration of our attraction for one another, personality included, of course. I loved her, that was for certain, but as for being in love... I had always hoped there was something stronger to be felt. I had always believed, that we were missing somewhat of a vital connection. Yes, the sun was glorious, and yes, Central Park this time of year was amass with natural sensuality but still, something seemed forced, like, I was trying, when maybe, I shouldn’t have needed to be. Lying here with her, as much as I liked it, I felt as if I was now locked into something, locked into life’s plan of some sort. She rolled in tighter and lightly rested her palm on my naked chest. As usual there was a thousand things ready to scream out of my mouth, beautiful things, things that would make her happy, perhaps, but I knew deep down they were things I was supposed to say and not things that I had wanted to.

At Some point in life, I believe, people are destined to collide with a magical love, where two people have that... connection, that they both feel strong on either end of the seesaw of love. Soulmate's perhaps...?

We definitely weren’t there, I would know if we were.

She could see in my eyes, she could feel in my heartbeat; Evey could tell something wasn’t quite right.

What’s wrong? she said with a tone of worry, suddenly withdrawing her arm.

The world slurred back into reality behind her head. Time became apparent again and the dream like aptitude of the Cherry Blossoms faded.

You could tell huh? I responded instinctively, probably not the most productive answer, I know.

She rose slightly and as she did so did her thin-laced eyebrows.

Well we’ve been together for six months right?

I saw the look of confusion on her face worsen.

I keep thinking about Henry and Megan, they have only been dating a week and are head over heels in dangerous love, but I just... don’t feel we are the same. I want to love you but I just feel like, as beautiful as it is, what we have isn’t love...

I tried to express how I was thinking, but I guess sometimes the roots of thoughts can run so deep that words will simply just never cover them.

So... you’re wondering if we will ever be in love? she calmly answered, flexing her eyes in such a way that they looked down on me in a heavy, demeaning manner.

Truth was, maybe I was more in love with the idea of having a girlfriend, as opposed to being with one.

Relationships are about honesty Evey, I have to pour out my heart, just for you, only so that you can understand

"We are together. We love each other. We are happy. Why must