Great Jokes and Anecdotes for Grandpa to Tell
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About this ebook
Great Jokes and Anecdotes for Grandpa to Tell contains 214 jokes, anecdotes and stories, some based on the truth and others contrived by persons unknown but all falling into the hilarious category. Some of the tales Grandpa can tell to his grand children while others are intended for adult consumption, some poke fun at the elderly and others at their carers or service providers but all will amuse Grandpa's audience and provide an opportunity for the amusement of family and friends.
Christopher Bruce
Chris Bruce was born in England and educated in South Africa. After a long career in the construction industry in South Africa, Namibia, Hong Kong and the Philippines, Chris moved to Thailand in 2001. He built and equipped a sausage factory in Bangkok which was operated by his wife. Not being Thai, unable to speak the language, no longer a part of the construction “EXPAT NETWORK” due to the slump in the Asian construction industry, it was not long before he became somewhat bored with life. One way to alleviate the boredom was to write. Chris decided to use his knowledge of the sausage industry to write a book of sausage recipes. This was followed by a book of recipes for preparing meals using sausage and a book of liqueur making methods and recipes. After completing the three recipe books he encouraged friends from around the world to send him jokes and cartoons by email. This series of TAKE ME TO THE TOILET BOOKS (VOLS I to VII) is the result of the huge response he got. Chris makes no claim to have dreamt up the jokes, anecdotes and other amusing facts or stories featured in these volumes and in fact it is impossible, with very few exceptions, to say where the jokes originated. Two Thai cartoonists Kitti Meeboonnum and Wirat Sukcharoen provided the illustrations. One thing Chris did realize was that people do not have much time to read a little humour and the “Thunderbox”, as it used to be called, is the ideal place to do so. The internet, the source of much modern humor, is not normally accessible during visits to this most private of places and it is hoped that these “TOILET COMPANIONS” will add amusement to the otherwise idle moments spent in the “BOX”.
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Great Jokes and Anecdotes for Grandpa to Tell - Christopher Bruce
GREAT JOKES AND ANECDOTES FOR GRANDPA TO TELL
A Book in the Take Me to the Toilet Series
By
Christopher J. Bruce
PUBLISHED BY:
Christopher J. Bruce
Great Jokes and Anecdotes for Grandpa to Tell is Copyright © 2013 by Christopher J. Bruce
WARNING
GREAT JOKES AND ANECDOTES FOR GRANDPA TO TELL IS FOR ADULT READERS WITHOUT FIREBRAND RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL, RACIAL OR SOCIAL VIEWS BUT WHO DO APPRECIATE SLIGHTLY OFF COLOR BAWDY OR SMUTTY HUMOR.
CONTENTS
KEEP IN TOUCH WITH TOILET TALES
FOREWORD
The Land that Made Me Me
A Hot Relationship
A Viagra Alternative
A Snotty Receptionist
A Posterior Disease
A Shaky Asset
A Wild Old Bird
A Yearly Dementia Test; Only 4 Questions
Abdullah’s Title
Aged Fun
Aids Warning for Senior Citizens
All That Glitters
Annie and Her Gun
An Ulterior Motive
The Death of a Private Part
Never Too Old to Learn
Buttoned
As the Bells Struck
Baby's First Doctor Visit
Bad news for many of us
Chocolate
The Difference between Grandmother and Grandfather
Double Benefit Missed
Ear Infection
Estate Planning
Exercise for People Over 40
Fly Now Pay Later
For the Golden Oldies
Forgotten Assets
Grandma’s Strudel
Family Ties
The Golden Years for Those Florida Drivers Choices
Romance
Great Truths about Growing Old
Older and Wiser
The Signs of Maturity
The New Generation
The Sharing Couple
Forgetful
Golfing Geriatrics
First Time Football
Skinny Dipping
Physical Check Up
Gaining Strength
The Importance of Walking
When Grandma goes to Court
Growing Wild
Saved not Squandered
Two Strokes
Secret Alternative
A Prescribed Codicil
An Element of Truth
The Last Rite
The Truth and Nothing But
Name Dropping
Delegation of Responsibility
Audio Assisted Search
Conned
Preventive Medicine
Sex with an Older Man
The Older Woman
Getting Screwed
Prostate Exam
Alzheimer’s Eye Test
When I Say I’m Broke!
Geriatric Caddy
Getting Police Attention in Your Old Age
Giving Up Sex
Hairy Search
Harold’s Shaker
Hazardous Diet
Places I’ve Been
If My Body Was a Car
It's Hell to be Old!
First Day of Employment after Retirement
Not All Seniors Are Senile
Observations on Growing Older
Old Age Perks
Old Cemeteries
Old Timers Sex
One Last Fling
Princely Frog
Samples Simplified
Scottish Golfer
Sex and Good Grammar
Shave and Haircut
Shopping for the Dog
Raising the Dead
Applause for a Senior Moment 1
Applause for a Senior Moment 2
Old Pet Chuck
Poodle Experience
Hazardous Diet
All Seniors Aren't Senile
My Favourite Things
The Age Gap
Being Healed
Alternative Use for Viagra
Old Friends
GPS Required
Spiked Peacock
A Letter to the Bank
Proverbs for the Aged
Old Age Perks
New definition for S.O.S
Subject: $20
Sucking Lifesavers
Random Memory
Who’s Driving?
Restaurant Remembered
The Unregulated Wife
An Ulterior Motive for Marriage
Not Hearsay
A Hot Prescription
No Split Banana
U-turn on the Interstate
FA Cup Final Tickets
The Knob
An Unrepeatable Prescription
An Operational Consequence
Aging
The Patience of a Grandfather
The Spoiled Under 30 Crowd
The Tetanus Shot
Three Old Men Are Discussing Their Sex Lives
Perjured Pride
Too Old to Squat
We Was Brung Up Proper!
The Class of 75
A Measure of Age
You Could Have Heard a Pin Drop
A Loving Couple
Battery Failure
A Matter of Priority
Advice from a Chinese Doctor
Grandma's Boyfriend
Perfumed Posterior
If You Don't Laugh at This One, You’re Dead!
Helping Himself to the Hired Help
The Car Keys
Importance of Having an Occupation after Retirement
Grandpa’s Bet
The urine sample
The Wooden Ball
Aged Observation
Gadget Inundation
Where’s My Sunday Paper?
Why We Love Our Senior Citizens
The Outhouse
When You’re Over Fifty Who Gives a Damn?
Menopause
A Disease for Posterity
Man's 3 Rules for Getting Old
Asking Too Much
Niagara or Viagra
Face Lift
Off the Mark
Sex Aid
Epitaph
A Feel at Any Price
Pooh Proof
Grandma’s Hairspray
The Old Man and the Beaver
Senior Citizens Bus Trip
Dried Arrangement
Shoulda Bought a Hat
Curious Cold Cure
An Occasional Piece
Short Term Memory Loss
Granny’s Condoms
One Last Fling
Whatcha Looking At?
Autosexual
One Liners for the Elderly
Senility Prayer
Well Earned Wisdom
Older and Wiser
The Signs of Maturity
Midlife is
Memories of an Earlier Time in Life
A.A.A.D.D.
First Time Football
Late Starter
Golfing Geriatrics
Oops No Poops!
Speed Limits
Holding Your Water
Just Deaf
Getting Physical
A Pain in the Butt
Listening in
A Silent and Odourless Problem
Name Dropping
Feeling Like a Baby
Once Bitten
Gambling Granny
Growing Alike
An Aged Anti-terror Squad
How long will I live?
Forgive Your Enemies
Nylon Birth Control
Heartfelt Concern
The Family Tree
Age
Cardiologist’s Funeral
Couple Sex
Life
A Beautiful Poem about Growing Older
OTHER BOOKS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
KEEP IN TOUCH WITH TOILET TALES
So, sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You forward cartoons and jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact.
You forward cartoons and jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how.
You forward cartoons and jokes.
And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded cartoon or joke.
So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded cartoons or joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile...
Have a great day.
Author Unknown.
FOREWORD
This collection of jokes and cartoons has been compiled with a view to providing the elderly readers with a modicum of amusement and as a resource for Grandpa to delve into when entertaining family and friends alike.
The jokes have been sent to me by friends from around the world and my sole function has been to edit them. Many of the jokes have been around for decades and tend to reappear in one or another revamped form on the internet and in magazines and newspapers from time to time.
To those Grandpas among you who purchase this collection I trust that you will take it with you to one of the few places in the world, sometimes known as the Thunderbox
, where it is not commonplace to be able to take your computer even if it is a laptop. There the book will provide you with hours of amusement while you select jokes and tales to keep your family and friends amused too.
Chris Bruce,
Bangkok, 2013.
Life does not come with instructions on how to live, but it does come with trees, sunsets, smiles and laughter, SO ... enjoy your day.
The Land that Made Me Me. Author Unknown
I have no idea who put this together, but it’s wonderfully reminiscent of the times in the 1950s! If you didn't grow up in the fifties, you missed some of the greatest and worst times in history.
Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot,
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,
For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges and Peyton Place was porn.
We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.
We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.
We danced to 'Little Darlin' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me...Me.
Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.
And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me...Me.
We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.
We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me...Me.
Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.
We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T ,
And Oprah couldn't talk, yet, in the Land That Made Me...Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me...Me.
We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, and Zeppelins were not Led.
And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was a virgin in the Land That Made Me...Me.
We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.
And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed in the Land That Made Me...Me.
We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what were left at the bottom of the bag.
And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me...Me.
Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.
And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me...Me.
We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms in the Land That Made Me...Me.
There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill.
And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me...Me.
But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me...Me.
So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me...Me.
A Hot Relationship
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,'