Sex, Dating and Really Confusing Girls

By Sue Ostler

Sex, Dating and Really Confusing Girls! sets out to offer the soundest, sanest, wittiest information you'll ever get about life as a single guy whilst giving you the scoop on what the other sex is thinking. Author, expert and all round ass-kicker of those who need a boot in the romantic behind, Sue Ostler tells it like it is and comes out swinging. Using a step-by-step format, Sex, Dating and Really Confusing Girls! explains the frequently irrational response of women, explores common complaints, suggests endless remedies and looks at what will happen when you cross the threshold and make that cold approach on a hot, but haughty woman.

• Language: English
• Publisher: MX Publishing
• Release date: Dec 19, 2016
• ISBN: 9781780920429

Book preview

Title Page

SEX, DATING AND REALLY CONFUSING GIRLS!

By

Sue Ostler

Publisher Information

First edition published in 2011

Sue Ostler © Copyright 2011

Digital edition converted and

Distributed in 2011 by

Andrews UK Limited

www.andrewsuk.com

The right of Sue Ostler to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1998.

All rights reserved. No reproduction, copy or transmission of this publication may be made without express prior written permission. No paragraph of this publication may be reproduced, copied or transmitted except with express prior written permission or in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright Act 1956 (as amended). Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damage.

Although every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of the information contained in this book, as of the date of publication, nothing herein should be construed as giving advice. The opinions expressed herein are those of the author and not of MX Publishing.

Published in the UK by MX Publishing, 335 Princess Park Manor, Royal Drive, London, N11 3GX

www.mxpublishing.co.uk

Cover Design by Staunch Design

www.staunch.com

Lust In Translation

Feisty, flirty and effortlessly funny, Sue Ostler is the author of five books on the subject of all things mating, dating and matchmaking.

Known as the Flirt Diva, and hailed as the Queen of Love, Sue’s signature book Flirt Diva was aimed at single, sassy women who wanted to learn to flirt. Encouraged by those same women who said, ‘But what about the men?’ she sat down and compiled her knowledge into an instructional manual for men.

Sue has entertained the troops across London’s single’s scene with hundreds of events, from the West End’s infamous Flirt Schmooze & Shimmies to Hen’s Parties, Men-Only masterclasses, oh, and the occasional stand-up comedy gig, since she arrived from Sydney on the day of the London bombings in 2005 – talk about an explosive welcome!

Thanks to her books, columns, live events and appearances across the world’s leading media – Sue has helped clients worldwide and has the heart-warming testimonials to show for it.

Sue’s undying belief that there’s a Flirt Superstar in every man, woman and hormonally challenged teen, has developed into a unique career, and a nomination as Australian Woman of the Year in the UK 2010 and 2011.

Warning!

In order to attract a beyootiful woman you need to push yourself and take risks. You must have the enthusiasm and bravado of an SAS lieutenant, and be prepared to drop your stiff upper lip. You should be willing to face the good, the bad and the ugly, and take a deep breath and say, WTF! Above all you have to be resilient and persistent because, as my good friend’s Uncle Tony says, It’s a numbers game. And it can be tough. But don’t worry. It’s all part of the fun. So long as you’re aware that at some point, you will screw up.

That’s where I come into it. As a dating expert, it’s my job to take you out of your comfort zone and hassle you about hedonistic-supercharged-sexual-flexibility – oh, and dating related issues. Consequently this book will make you want to meet women and go on dates – and much more.

When involved in active dating, you will need to keep your intensity under control. Avoid gestures which involve quick, sudden moves in any direction. Make sure you’re not sweating as this is a sign that your body is overheating; keeping well hydrated helps to avoid this. I also advise wearing a heart-rate monitor and keeping an eye on it throughout. Don’t worry about being embarrassed though, since studies show that people are more trusting of people who are easily embarrassed, so you can go as red in the face as you like – especially in those situations where it can’t be avoided, like in the face of show-stopping, jaw-dropping beauty.

Dating and seduction can seriously affect your ability to concentrate as well. The inability to concentrate could reduce the success of the forthcoming challenges. Therefore you will need some tips on how to manage it, and what to expect. Rest assured there will be moments where you feel the pain, and moments when you cringe. I’ve anticipated those, so I’m going to nip them in the bud by saying – deal with it! Keep your eye on the ball and by the time you get to the end, you’ll be able to spot a babe with trouble on her mind at twenty paces.

Author’s Disclaimer

The following contains elements of humour and serious commentary. The reader is advised that no warnings are made as to the elements intended as humour, or those intended as serious commentary. Failure on the part of the reader to detect discernable differences between humorous and serious passages and/or elements shall not be deemed a defect in this book for legal purposes. Nor shall such failure be deemed to imply a defect in the reader.

Frequent references are made throughout to Englishmen and women – this refers not only to those who were born on this great island, but those who have lived here long enough to be an integral part of British society.

Lastly, the names and details of all people and places have been changed to protect the innocent.

To access more Secret Women’s Information, email: [e-mail]

Dedication

This book is dedicated to the best boyfriend in Britain.

I love you very much.

What Makes Me The Big Expert?

I wrote my first dating advice book in 1998. It helped me deal with the break-up from hell. I figured that turning to writing as heartbreak therapy was better than drowning in a life of vodka soaked misery. I’ve been studying this dating lark ever since. And I’ve had a hoot. What is it they say? Don’t get mad, get even. Needless to say I never looked back. And somehow I stumbled across the love of my life along the way. Jackpot!

I moved to London in 2005 to develop my studies. I’ve been at the frontline studying girls and boys at play ever since. As part of my worldwide Flirt Diva Discovery tour, I’ve spent the past few years trawling bars, clubs, pubs, cafes, singles halls, speed-dating events and meat markets up and down the land to see people in action and get them to sample my approach to flirting.

And I’m not just watching; I’m interacting. As a woman who’s travelled mainly solo around the UK, from naughty Newcastle – the pulling capital, to good-time Glasgow and everywhere in-between, I’ve been hit on enough times to know what works and what doesn’t. These days I’m offended if I don’t get hit on! So hey, I’ve got a lot to say on the subject.

My motivation is simple, there are close to twenty-million single adults in Britain, and I’ll be damned if I can’t get those numbers down. Or at the very worst, set you on the right path to get yourself a crafty smooch. We need more sex please, we’re British!

In October 2010 I hosted a singles event with Time Out magazine. Along with the general shenanigans, we created an award for the best flirt. A chap in his late twenties arrived midway through the party. He introduced himself, a stocky fellow, pleasant enough looking, but no George Clooney. I had my hands full with a particularly difficult blonde, a real drama queen. I nodded towards three attractive women huddled in the corner and said. Go and talk to them! I didn’t see him again until much later. There he was, chatting and laughing – thoroughly entertaining them. ‘Well done!’ I mouthed as I threw him a wink. An hour or so later he told me he’d secured two phone numbers. I was impressed and told him so. Who knew?

Next thing he’d dashed off to chat up another lady. Pretty soon they were bumping and grinding and minutes later, they were snogging their hearts out! My mouth just fell open. It was that time of night where everyone had their beer goggles on, but even so...! Shortly after, I presented him with the Best Flirt Award – of course I did! Cue cheering and whooping please!

Two weeks later he came to collect his prize, a face-to-face consultation with moi. We met at a Soho bar and settled in with beers and Bellinis. He filled me in on what had happened since we last met. He was actively dating one of the girls from the party. He’d also met a second girl he was rather smitten with, and to cap it off, he’d struck up a thing with a third young lady. His dilemma, and the advice he sought from me, was whether it was morally ethical to date the three women simultaneously.

I sat open mouthed. This was a guy who’d been through a two-year dating drought – he was top of the flops, no doubt about it. Yet from the moment he entered that party, it was all systems go. He’d gone from zero to hero in the space of a two short weeks.

Frank Spencer meets Errol Flynn!

The sole reason from his point of view, was the massive confidence boost he’d got from approaching the trio of hot babes at the party. He jumped in the deep end and swam for his life. Unless I’d specifically sent him on the ‘three woman mission’, he never would have found the courage to approach. Once he had a taste, he wanted more. My heart swelled with pride.

It’s precisely because of these experiences, along with the awe-inspiring feedback I’ve had from my weekly male master classes, that I’ve shifted my focus to men. It just made sense. Right from the beginning when I started coaching women, we typically ended up talking about the men’s role in all this. The woman would get all feisty and ask: Why are you telling us? Why aren’t you telling the men as well? Jolly japes. I thought. "Of course!"

Now I’m set to share all my Secret Women’s Information because what’s the point of women having all the knowledge? What you’ll find here is a female point of view on all the topics that I get asked about the most. You’ll also find a plan, a strategy and a billion ways to get to first base.

Now it’s over to you...

Step 1

Walking The Walk

Why Is It So Hard To Approach Women?

I’ve spoken with all kinds of women the world over, from the weak and weary, loud and lairy, hot and hairy, and believe you me, when it comes to the women of Britain, every last one of them agrees on one thing, they’re not getting hit on. Or if they are, it’s by the WRONG kind of guy: the players, the cocky twats, the all-sizzle-no-steak guys we don’t take seriously. It’s not by the quality blokes. It’s not by the keepers. It’s not by YOU! And that my friend, is the reason they’re single.

But it’s not the only reason. Britain has a singles phenomenon on its hands and it’s easy to see why. Men are expected to make all the moves but they’re not. That’s because women aren’t giving out the green light signals. As a result blokes are dazed and confused and rooted to the spot. We’re at a stalemate. Everyone’s lost the plot and it’s all based on a big, fat misunderstanding because women, bless them, have a knack of looking terrifically sassy on the surface, but burrow down a little, and they’re wobblier than Nigella Lawon’s sherry trifle when it comes to this love stuff.

Is it just a storm in a British teacup? Hell no! It’s a key theme. I see it firsthand every Friday night. That’s because I have a job where I pilot a gaggle of girls out on a flirting foray across Central London. The Flirt Schmooze & Shimmy is a lot of things, but mainly it’s a booze fuelled laugh. Women of all ages come along to build up their confidence and get out of their comfort zone. We visit bars and clubs, from the super swanky to the downright cheesy and the girls do challenges to help get them over the hump.

Over the years I’ve seen all types of girls, and experienced every possible scenario. I’ve witnessed plenty of psycho-sexual victories and just as many car-crashes. I’ve seen the effects of the leg-quivering fear of rejection, and the heart wrenching criticism that these flirty and feisty girls unfurl on themselves. I’ve been there at the front-line, watching all the action. So don’t tell me it’s tough out there, I bloody well know it is!

Week in, week out I hear the same things over and over again. And frankly it’s stuff you should know; stuff you need to know. Moreover since you’re probably not privy to this kind of thing, I’m sharing it here. Am I talking out of school? Maybe. But tough! ‘Cos I’m on your side.¹

The biggest challenge for women in the dating arena is that they lack both the confidence and the skills to let on that they fancy you. It’s not that they don’t want to flirt. Hell no. Half the time they don’t even know how to flirt! It’s not their fault. It’s just not their thing. Just because they’re women doesn’t mean it comes naturally.

There are a million and one reasons why – psychological, physiological and traditional, but drill down and in all likelihood it’s simply because they’ve not grown up in touchy-feely, lovey-dovey households where everyone went around having soppy group hugs. As a nation it’s just not something we do. The harsh British climate doesn’t help either. It’s not like boys and girls grew up flirting and frolicking half naked on the beach as the hormonally charged teen spirit kicked in. Instead everyone was huddled around the telly keeping a stiff upper lip. This is not a criticism, nor it is it a personal weakness, it’s a British thing. And according to the ladies I coach, it can make things tricky if you’re looking to meet someone.

What Single Women Are REALLY Saying…

I am the world’s most impossible flirt! I cannot flirt to save myself. If I like a guy I ignore him! I need to make the right kind of connection but I don’t know how.

Katy 26

I’m in my mid-twenties and can’t flirt to save my life. I am quite sarcastic, wouldn’t dare chat up a man, and men hardly approach me, because I’m unapproachable. Don’t get me wrong, I am friendly, outgoing and funny ‘supposedly

Jo 29

I don’t know how to flirt for fear of coming across either arrogant or ridiculous

Caitlin 32

I’m a confident, independent, happy singleton... who just can’t seem to flirt!

Shana 34

I don’t know why but I ALWAYS say the wrong things...

Alex 39

I cannot even look someone in the eye! Help!

Jackie 36

I am absolutely hopeless when it comes to flirting....I completely ignore the blokes I like!

Jody 27

I have absolutely no idea of flirting and am seriously in need of finding out about it.

Becca 31

Am hopeless at pulling men (walking past the ones I fancy a hundred times & looking at them when they are not looking at me as heaven forbid I should make eye contact!)

Lisa 29

On top of dealing with their own shortcoming and insecurities, women are also saying that blokes need to make more of an effort – they need to hit on us more. But for the most part, it’s not happening. It’s not the done thing. And I for one am not surprised. Nobody in this country makes eye-contact or heaven forbid speak to a stranger, let alone asks anyone on a date! Well OK, that’s not true everywhere, particularly not up North where people literally fall over themselves to be friendly, but certainly if you live in big old busy London then hello – tough city!

A friend explained it thus:

Look, if someone’s sat alone in a café, that makes it easier to approach; but if you’re at a bar or a pub, women don’t sit alone; so if I’m in a bar and I see a hot girl sat over there with her mates, I’m not going to go over and start chatting. It’s not going to happen. It feels too weird. I’m putting myself on the line. If it doesn’t go well, I’ve got to live with that.

OK, point taken, but if that’s your take on it, then Houston, we’ve got a problem. Hear me out here…by not going out on a limb to meet new people you’re effectively eliminating a massive portion of the population. And once you do away with meeting new women ‘cold’ – how on earth are you meant to you meet them? Oh sure you might stumble across them through friends of friends, or in the workplace, but that comes with its own set of complications – you know what they say, don’t screw the crew!

The trick when it comes to topping up your social circle is to widen your options, take the risks and increase your chances. Remember what my good friend’s Uncle Tony said: It’s a numbers game. You’ve got to fight for your right to party – or at the very least, think more broadly.

Let’s get to the guts of the matter, why is it so damn hard to approach women? Is it because they struggle to show their availability? And if so why? Is it because it makes them feel ‘desperate’ so they come across as cool, or some might say haughty, acting like they don’t have to lift a goddam finger. And if that is indeed the case, then of course you’re not going to make any moves because you are not getting the signals. It’s the classic Catch 22, Action-Reaction scenario. We’ve got all the gear, but no idea!

Simply put, British women, well most women for that matter, are caught in a historical time-warp when it comes to all things romance. They may command equality in the boardroom, the bedroom and in the financial stakes, but put them in front of a cute guy and they would rather eat their own wedding finger than show they fancy you, or, heaven forbid, make the first move.

Then big question is: How are you supposed to tell if she fancies you? In a perfect world the answer would be simple. She does that thing girls do…She grins at you and does the touchy-feelies: a light pat here, a playful pinch there. She looks into your eyes and flicks her hair; she touches your arm, your shoulder, your thigh…She smothers you in big boozy hugs and flashes her knickers and knockers. Why, she practically straddles you. Except that she doesn’t.

OF COURSE she doesn’t!

What The Fudge? Why Not?

Because in Britain the vast majority of women do not flirt like sex-crazed demons. English women may be good at a lot of things, but overt flirting is not one of them. They pull a blank when it comes to, you know, signalling their availability. We’re talking the basics: smiling, eye-contact – anything to let on that they fancy you! It’s the story of great British misadventure. What can I say?

The other worrying thing is that even if she flirted with you like mad, most of you wouldn’t recognise a green light signal if it jumped up and hit you on the nose. Admit it!! And that oversight can cost you dearly. One of my girlfriends put into plain words the reason she gave up on the guy she was flirting with: "He kept looking over, but he wouldn’t do anything about it." Case in point! But don’t feel bad about it. It’s no-one’s fault. We may be a lot of things; but a nation of flirts we are not. Frankly we’re more interested in other things. Beer and pizza comes to mind.

Of course it would be easier if the ladies were to make themselves more visibly available for dating. But how could they do that? By wearing Hi-Vis jackets in lime and orange stripes? Assuming they don’t fancy that idea, what else can they do? Oh wait, here’s an idea, they could be all flirty and dish out all the obvious signs, that way you’ll know they’re keen and you’ll be able to make a move with complete confidence. What a great idea ‘eh? Yes and you’ll be waiting for hell to freeze over before it happens.

I’m not saying that British women are prudes, far from it. Once they get warmed up, they’re absolutely fine. Especially when they’re out on the town and they’re completely bongoed. The problem is their tendency to clam up and turn to jelly when they spot someone they sodding well fancy.

But believe you me, if I could change one thing; it would be to wave my magic wand and Abracadabra…All the Single Ladies… all the single ladies/Would put their hands up…put your hands up! They’d be all flirty and perky, and a wee bit dirty and they’d swish their hair and do all those girly things that even YOU recognise as flirting, if for no other reason than you’ve seen it done to perfection from the floozies in the movies. You would respond by striding boldly over, dipping your cap and saying, Why m’lady, your delicious brazenness makes me blush! Then you pin her arms to her side and kiss her – long, hard kisses.

Because whether you’re a down-to-earth guy, a shy guy, a geekie guy, or a larger than life guy – there’s some sweet, gorgeous girl out there that would like to get to know you…but first she’s got meet you! Someone’s got to make a move – and that someone is you. And until you get that into your thick skull, then gentlemen of Great Britain – we have a problem!

So how did things get to this point and how can we change them?

Well for starters next time you’re out having a pint and you notice an all-smiling-all-flirting female, you’ve simply got to take action and make a move. So if you look over yonder and lock eyes and your heart starts hammering and you think she’s flirting with you, you’ve got to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Picture this:

• You spot her. She smiles and makes eyes at you.

• You argue furiously with yourself.

• Is