Let's parler Franglais!
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About this ebook
‘A true comic genius’ Ian Hislop
‘Ridiculously funny’ Joanna Lumley
Bonjour toutes les personnes! Welcome to the wonderful world of Franglais.The trouble with French is that there are far too few English words in it. Miles Kington – the critic, columnist, and creator of Franglais – puts that right. His magnificent new language can be understood by almost anyone who failed GCSE French. If you passed GCSE French it could be tricky, but do try anyway.
So achetez! Lisez! Et enjoy! Merci beaucoup.
‘What a truly gifted, consistently funny writer’ Maureen Lipman
‘Utterly charming and extremely funny’ Independent
Miles Kington was one of Britain’s most renowned and best loved journalists. Born in County Down, he grew up in Wales and was educated in Scotland, which was all a big mistake as he was actually English. A presenter, playwright, polymath and wit, he wrote columns for The Times, the Independent, Punch and The Oldie. His other acclaimed titles include Someone Like Me, How Shall I Tell the Dog? and The Franglais Lieutenant’s Woman.
Miles Kington
Miles Kington was literary editor of Punch and a writer for the London Times. He also wrote a regular column for The Independent, from its earliest days until the week he died. The author of several bestsellers in the UK, he died of cancer in January 2008.
Read more from Miles Kington
How Shall I Tell the Dog?: And Other Final Musings Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Miles and Miles: The Selected Writing of Miles Kington Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsParlez-Vous Franglais? Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Parlez-Vous Franglais? Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Franglais Lieutenant's Woman Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWelcome to Kington: The Selected Columns of Miles Kington Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsLet's Parler Franglais One More Temps Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Let's parler Franglais one more temps Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
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Let's parler Franglais! - Miles Kington
Franglais!").
Lesson Un: A la Gare
Guichet: Oui?
Client: Un second class return a Bexleymoor, s’il vous plaît.
Guichet: Parlez dans le trou marqué SPEAK HERE s’il vous plaît.
Client: Un second class return à Bexleymoor, s’il vous plaît.
Guichet: Plus haut.
Client: UN SECOND CLASS RETURN À BEXLEYMOOR, s’il VOUS plaît!
Guichet: OK, OK, je ne suis pas deaf.
Client: Est-ce que je puis acheter un cheap return?
Guichet: Ça depend. Vous préférez le Weekend Return, le Mid-Month Special, le Day Rover, le Off-Peak Excursion ou le Limited Gadabout?
Client: Je ne sais pas.
Guichet: Bleeding enfer. Eh bien, quel train vous voulez prendre?
Client: Le 16.32 à Stainforth.
Guichet: Il n’y a pas de 16.32 à Stainforth. C’est dans un withdrawn situation, à cause de staff problems. Prenez le 17.05.
Client: OK.
Guichet: Si vous prenez le 17.05, le Weekend Return et le Mid-Month Special do not apply. Nous avons un très bon Bargain Break à Billericay, à 17.36.
Client: Je n’aime pas Billericay. Billericay est la back de beyond. Je veux ailer à Bexleymoor.
Guichet: OK, OK, vous êtes le boss. Alors, je peux vous offrir un Golden Outing à Bexleymoor, return Monday, seulement £1.56.
Client: Terrifique. Et la departure time?
Guichet: Yesterday.
Client: Et today?
Guichet: £15.60, Full Price.
Client: Holy Guinness Book of Records!
Guichet: Si j’étais vous, je prandrais le Football Special à West Bromwich et tirerais le communication cord à Bexleymoor.
Client: Combien?
Guichet: £2.80. Plus £25 si vous êtes nicked.
Client: OK. Voilà £2.80.
Guichet: Environ ruddy time, aussi. La prochaine fois, make your mind up first. Next, s’il vous plaît.
Lesson Deux: Dans le Taxi
Chauffeur: Marble Arch? Blimey, Monsieur, c’est un peu dodgy aujourd’hui. Le traffic est absolument solide. C’est tout à fait murder. Il y a un tailback dans le Bayswater Road de Shepherds Bush jusqu’à flaming Lancaster Gate, mais si vous avez un couple d’heures spare… Personnenellement, je blâme le one-way system. Et la police. Le one-way system et la police. Je vous donne on typical exemple-cheque soir à cinq heures Hyde Park Corner est OK, un peu busy j’admets, mais basicallement OK, et puis la police arrive pour diriger le traffic et pouf! Il y a un jam almighty immédiatement. Flaming flics. Je n’ai rien contre la police, marquez-vous, ils font un job terrifique, et moi je ne serais pas un gendarme pour tout le thé de Chine, mais ils sont un lot de thickies. (Il sonne le klaxon.) Maniaque! Excusez mon francais, c’était un bleeding minicab. Vous prenez les minicabs quelquefois?
Client: Non, je…
Chauffeur: Les minicabs ruinent tout. Un tas de no-hopers. Ils ne peuvent pas distinguer entre un steering wheel et un roulette wheel. Vous faîtes le gambling, vous?
Client: Non, je…
Chauffeur: J’ai vu des choses, moi. L’autre soir, j’avais un Arabe et vous savez combien il avait perdu? 5,000 flaming livres! Course, pour lui c’est du pocket money. C’est rien pour lui d’acheter un Rolls pour le weekend. Personellement, je blâme le gouvernement—ils n’ont absolument nulle idée de comment l’autre moitié existe. Prenez les taxis, exemple. Combien vous croyez est le cost de keeping ce taxi sur la route, chaque semaine, including le rent et le diesel et les taxes et l’upkeep et la licence et le radio et la cleaning et le wear and tear et l’insurance? Hein? Pouvez-vous faire un guess?
Client: Non, je…
Chauffeur: Presque 100 nicker! C’est diabolique. Quelquefois je crois que je dois être mad. Personellement, je blâme les noirs. Vous n’êtes pas noir, vous?
Client: Non, je…
Chauffeur: Ah, voilà. Marble Arch. Merci, Monsieur. Et merci. C’est un plaisir d’avoir un peu de conversation intelligente. Au revoir, guv.
Lesson Trois: Chez le Coiffeur
Coiffeur: L’usuel?
Client: Oui, merci. Ça va?
Coiffeur: Peux pas complain. Et vous?
Client: Peux pas complain. Et vous?
Coiffeur: Peux pas complain… Vous avez vu le game?
Client: Oui, England était shocking.
Coiffeur: Ils sont un gang d‘old ladies. Ils ne pourraient pas frapper le ball avec leur handbag.
Client: Le team du Royal College for the Blind joue better que ça.
Coiffeur: Vous avez vu le penalty?
Client: Diabolique. La décision du ref était diabolique.
Coiffeur: Il me rendit sick.
Client: Moi, je vis rouge… Vous avez vu le