Why Can't We Talk?: Christian Wisdom on Dialogue as a Habit of the Heart

By John Backman and Kay Lindahl

Learn How to Contribute More Effectively and Compassionately to
the Conversations that Shape Your Life

"Anything could happen when we start to talk. Nothing will happen if we don't. That alone makes the way of dialogue a journey worth taking."
—from the Epilogue

Think of an issue that makes your blood boil. Now imagine lunch with a friend who is just as passionate about it—on the other side. How can the two of you even broach the issue, let alone hear each other with curiosity and compassion?

The answer begins long before the lunch does, by learning to engage dialogue as a habit of the heart—an inner transformation that the ancient practices of Christian spirituality can address. This highly readable and timely guide to restoring dialogue shows you how to cultivate this transformation while preparing you to approach your adversaries with curiosity, civility and compassion. With dialogue expert John Backman leading the way, you will:

• Examine the obstacles that keep you from dialogue: black-and-white thinking, a “distraction lifestyle,” the fear of change and negative impressions from others.
• Explore the strength of character from which healthy dialogue springs—and the work of the soul that cultivates them.
• Learn practical guidelines for dialogue and how they work in an imperfect world.
• Encounter anecdotes of dialogue in action, from resolutions of interpersonal conflict to difficult dialogues on some of the most divisive issues of our age.
• Use provocative questions at the end of each chapter to stimulate group discussion and individual reflection.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Turner Publishing Company
• Release date: Oct 1, 2012
• ISBN: 9781594734847

John Backman

John Backman is a member of the National Coalition for Dialogue & Deliberation board of directors and creator of The Dialogue Venture. He writes extensively on contemporary spirituality and its ability to help us dialogue across divides and his work has been published in several faith-based and secular national publications. He is an associate in the Order of the Holy Cross, a community of Benedictine Episcopal monasteries in North America and South Africa.

Book preview

Why Can’t We Talk? Christian Wisdom on Dialogue as a Habit of the Heart

Praise for Why Can’t We Talk? Christian Wisdom on Dialogue as a Habit of the Heart

A breath of fresh air. This book has the power to change the way we relate to others, from personal relationships to global politics. I look forward to using it in parish settings, couples counseling and adult education. Humble, self-reflective, challenging—a great text!

—Carolyne Call, author, Spiritually Healthy Divorce: Navigating Disruption with Insight and Hope

In a time when we are losing the ability to speak and listen to each other, this book gives us a deeper understanding of the process of dialogue along with the tools to use it. Backman’s theological sensibility provides a strong foundation for moving us out of the imprisonment of polarization.

—Pastor Donald Mackenzie, coauthor, Getting to the Heart of Interfaith: The Eye-Opening, Hope-Filled Friendship of a Pastor, a Rabbi and an Imam and Religon Gone Astray: What We Found at the Heart of Interfaith

Leads us through the often treacherous maze of interpersonal communication with humor, humility and—most importantly—hope.... Reminds us that we are all ultimately at home in the same loving God, who delights both in our individuality and in our efforts—no matter how flawed—to truly listen to and love each other along the way.

—Kristyn Komarnicki, editor, PRISM magazine (PRISMmagazine.org)

"Challenges our sound-bite culture to abandon partisan diatribes and premeditated monologues and to truly engage one another—especially those whom we may prefer to avoid. We learn not only why it is necessary to commit to dialogue, but how to construct an effective, spiritually centered and lasting dialogic relationship."

—Ethan Vesely-Flad, editor, Fellowship magazine, Fellowship of Reconciliation

Thought-provoking.... A wonderful primer to help us change our interactions to true connection and solving problems together.

—Judith H. Katz, EdD, The Kaleel Jamison Consulting Group, Inc.; coauthor, Opening Doors to Teamwork and Collaboration: 4 Keys that Change Everything and Be Big: Step Up, Step Out, Be Bold (with Frederick A. Miller)

Provides practical and necessary tools that can help foster meaningful dialogue among individuals and groups. Given our current—and often polarized—society, this is a reflective book for parties who aspire to come to the table and create solutions.

—Sara Hacala, author, Saving Civility: 52 Ways to Tame Rude, Crude and Attitude for a Polite Planet

Why Can’t We Talk? Christian Wisdom on Dialogue as a Habit of the Heart

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Contents

Foreword

INTRODUCTION: Talking with the Adversary

1    When You Have to Move the Elephant

2    Hearing the Call to Dialogue

3    Roadblocks on the Way

4    Engaging the Work of the Soul

5    Three Mind-Sets for the Journey

6    Pushing beyond Our Borders

7    Making Dialogue Happen

8    Dialogue Unbound

9    Dialogue in the War Zone

EPILOGUE: A Gentle Challenge to Our Culture

Acknowledgments

APPENDIX: Spiritual Practices for the Way of Dialogue

Notes

Suggestions for Further Reading

About the Authors

Copyright

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forword FOREWORD

Our society is going through a remarkable period of social change that has led to deep polarization on so many issues. All you have to do is read the newspaper, look at the news, or listen to the radio to notice the discord and lack of dialogue in the public sphere. John’s deeply thoughtful book could not come at a better time—we do need to learn how to talk to each other, in the face of our differences.

What is unique about this book is that John takes us on a journey that goes underneath the how to of dialogue to the heart of its spiritual dimension—the work of the soul. So many of us have been trained to listen critically, judging what the other is saying, looking for what is wrong with that viewpoint, and then trying to persuade the other to our way of thinking. We have forgotten the value of deep conversation, listening and speaking with respect and seeking understanding. John reminds us that we are spiritual beings called to be in relationship with each other. When hearts connect, angels sing (Anonymous).

Authentic dialogue takes time and energy, which is countercultural in our fast-paced world with its ever-present use of technology, whether cell phones, texting, computers, watching television, or video games. We have forgotten the art of conversation, how to be truly present with others. John offers many suggestions for reminding us how to engage in deep conversation as well as a host of spiritual practices that prepare us for this work of the heart.

It is a particularly good resource for intrafaith dialogue, as we learn to talk about the difficult issues that face us within our own traditions. One of the things that I have noticed is that often we start these conversations with the best intentions, knowing that our faith teaches that we are to be in communication. We set up meetings and we listen to each other, and sometimes we even find points of agreement. And yet we go away from these meetings feeling that nothing has really changed. My suspicion is that each person often enters into these dialogues with the unconscious belief that if he or she just talks long enough, the other side will be persuaded to his or her view. It doesn’t work that way. The practices and tone of this book show how to enter into these conversations more deeply grounded in the wisdom of our souls.

—Kay Lindahl

founder, The Listening Center

forword INTRODUCTION

Talking with

the Adversary

I think George W. Bush is a very good president.

It was the summer of 2004. My sister-in-law Jane and I were lounging on the screened-in porch at our father-in-law’s house, and she was (thoughtfully as usual) discussing her views of the presidential race. I do not recall my immediate reaction to her opinion of the president, but I’m sure it was some mix of nausea, horror, and righteous indignation.

Then, in a moment of what must have been God’s grace, I saw Jane’s statement as something else entirely: an opportunity for dialogue.

This sort of thought does not come naturally—to me or to many others. More often than not, we shy away from those who disagree with us—or we angrily state our opinion and brook no dissent. When discussions actually take place, we spend more time marshaling counterarguments than openly listening. Our vested interests overwhelm what we say and hear.

In all of this, we reflect the world around us. Our culture has precious few Platos to model authentic dialogue. Instead, elected officials are frequently adversarial, seeking to win votes as much as to explore issues. Too many pundits and radio hosts would rather shout than talk. We hear sound-bite policy ideas repeated until they become conventional wisdom. We hear conventional wisdom repeated until we can’t imagine questioning it.

Then, without warning, we run across someone of gentle spirit and a genuinely open heart. It feels as though someone has opened a window and let the spring air in. And we wonder why things can’t always be like this.

I believe they can. The power to make it happen rests in our hands—when we live out our lives in God’s hands.

space

It was not the most comfortable context for dialogue. My wife’s family enjoys debating politics and religion. Several of them are conservative Christians, Republicans, or both; I am neither. We have endured our share of contentious conversations. On the other hand, Jane consistently communicates her perspectives with gentleness, depth of thought, and love. She knows the power of words; as she often tells her husband, Words mean things. If anyone could pull this off, she could.

To ensure that we didn’t devolve into mindless vitriol, we set some ground rules. She would lay out her thoughts about the president’s virtues in an unbroken monologue. Then I would describe his vices in the same way. Neither of us could interrupt the other—at all—not even for questions. Neither of us would attempt to formulate rebuttals while the other was speaking (to the extent we could help it). We would simply listen. In the process, we hoped, we would learn something: if not about The Truth, then certainly about each other.

space

Quite a few authors have written books on conflict resolution, interfaith dialogue, and similar topics. Many of these books are excellent and deserve attention. Almost without exception, however, they focus on the process, whether they describe the tricks of the trade (I statements, listening skills, nonverbal cues, and similar tips) or present case studies of successful dialogues. Either way, it’s all about the interpersonal.

But is the interpersonal all there is to dialogue? Does the entire process consist of what we say and do at the table? No. There is much we can do to prepare ourselves before the dialogue ever begins. People of faith, Christians included, have a unique contribution to make here, because the giants of their traditions have pointed to a way of life—the work of the soul—that, as it turns out, prepares us for authentic dialogue.

The details of this work vary, depending on the specific approach, but the essential ingredients are much the same. By drawing close to God, acting in concert with God’s desires, and practicing the virtues of our faith, we undergo an inner transformation. Our vested interests tend to fall away as we focus our attention and ourselves on God. Moreover, this work of the soul opens us to others. We start to see beyond the things that separate us to the essential humanity we share. With this perspective, we are more inclined to love.

And to dialogue. Having engaged in this work of the soul, we come to the table with a clear mind and an open heart, better equipped to set aside our preconceptions at least for the duration of the dialogue. This gives us the perspective to engage the other person more deeply than we could have otherwise. If both people enter the dialogue in this way, they can work together more productively to build their relationship, explore the truth of the matter—and, maybe, reach consensus on a way forward.

With the challenges we face as human beings, this pursuit of dialogue is important. The future of our relationships, of our houses of worship, even of the planet may depend on it. If we cannot talk openly and civilly about family conflict or matters of faith, let alone climate change or nuclear armament, how can we ever overcome the problems that threaten us all?

space

Jane and I kept up the dialogue over parts of two days. Neither of us changed the other’s mind, but that was beside the point. I gained insight into the opposition that I could not have gained any other way. I sensed the attractiveness of what many conservatives perceived as the president’s solid principles and decisiveness. Just as important, the conversation set the tone for further discussions. And it drew us closer.

Was it a coincidence that Jane and I had tended our relationships with God for a long time? I doubt it. All those years of inner transformation surely played a role in our openness to each other. St. Paul lists patience, kindness, generosity, gentleness, and self-control as the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23). Aren’t these precisely the types of traits that equip us for authentic dialogue?

None of this made the dialogue easy. I vividly remember how difficult it was to sit and simply listen to an opposing viewpoint for an extended period. It took a great deal of time and energy to make the dialogue work, especially to keep from interrupting with But what about ...?

Time and energy, of course, are in short supply these days. And to be sure, not every dialogue takes two days. If we prepare our souls beforehand, however, we will find ourselves readier and more open to embracing dialogue whenever the opportunity presents itself.

The results, from my experience, are more than worth the effort. I believe that when we approach people in this way, we form and deepen relationships more easily. We live in greater harmony with others. We tend less toward anger and more toward compassion and peacemaking, which fosters peace within ourselves. As we practice the virtues of our faith, our character grows more robust, better able to withstand temptation and life’s ups and downs. Do these benefits sound familiar? They represent the attitudes of heart to which God calls us. Pursuing dialogue as a habit of the heart, then, helps us to live out our calling as Christians: to live, that is, in love with God and one another.

So there is great value in pursuing the work of the soul, the way of dialogue as a habit of the heart. That, in short, is the reason for this book: to describe this way so you may adopt it to live more faithfully—and contribute more powerfully to the conversations that shape our lives together.

This book comes largely from my own experience. I do not cite reams of evidence from formal research to substantiate the claims I’m making. I simply offer you the impact that the practices described here have had on my life—and on the lives of people who have earnestly sought God over the past millennia. The stories of saints like Augustine and Francis of Assisi and Thérèse of Lisieux, not to mention thousands of others, speak volumes about the power of God to transform us from the inside out. That transformation goes on today in the lives of many. Believe me when I say it is worth exploring.

Before we start that exploration, however, we have to take issue with an old, old story.

chapter endchapter one

When You Have to

Move the Elephant

Long, long ago, four young blind boys lived in four African villages. As children, each had heard tales of an elephant who lived in the vast jungle that surrounded their homes. But children were not allowed to enter the jungle, so they did not know if the tales were true.

In the year these boys became men, an ancient guide traveled among their villages, as was her custom, gathering them together and leading them into the jungle to meet the elephant. When they reached the giant beast, she led each of them to a different part of it, then asked them to put their hands out gently. As they did, they began to murmur.

Ah! Just as I have heard. The elephant is like a tree, murmured the young man who touched the leg.

No, he feels like a snake, said the man who felt the tail.

Nonsense, argued the man near the ear. A very large hand fan: that is what he is.

That is ridiculous, shouted the man near the belly. He is a giant wall.

They continued to argue until the guide spoke up. Why are you arguing? All of you are right. Each of you simply touched a different part of the elephant. So the elephant has all the features you mentioned, and even more.

Ah!