You're All Idiots, Pineville

By Carl Reader

You're All Idiots, Pineville continues the saga of the oddest town on earth that was begun in Come After Me to Pineville. To the shock and delight of the entire town, Mayor Letz Holdemtite, who has ruled for over 100 years, dies in a shootout of rat poisoning. At his funeral, the participants mock his penis and brace for what comes next. His death precipitates a race by three of the hottest babes in town for the mayor's position. His widow, Ivana Kutzsomoff, along with the police chief, Winnie Bombednwilling, and his imprisoned daughter, Constance Lee Holdemtite, also jockey for position, with all the charms that their feminine wiles and their 38Ds can offer, with the reporter from The Pineville Press, whose insane endorsements are essential to their election. In the middle of all this are the town's hapless illegal aliens, real aliens from a galaxy far, far away, who are delicious. Each candidate tries to out-do the other in slandering the starmen for political gain, and each seduces the reporter for his support. Only one candidate can win, but each can make a heck of a case for herself, and does in the office of The Pineville Press and elsewhere. The tale is told with fake news stories from that fictional newspaper, as the reporter bumbles his way along with the candidates, the illegal aliens and the many twisted personalities of Pineville. Remember, Pineville is not a place but an unstable state of mind, which you enter if you're foolish enough to visit the oddest little town on earth.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Carl Reader
• Release date: Aug 29, 2016
• ISBN: 9781370657568

Carl Reader

Carl Reader trained as a journalist at Temple University and has worked as a reporter, photographer and editor in Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Montana. He's published short stories in literary magazines and on the Internet and has self-published a children's Christmas story called THE TWELFTH ELF OF KINDNESS.That book was partially published in Russia under the Sister Cities program. He's also self-published a novella called THE PERSECUTION OF WILLIAM PENN, which has been well-received in several college libraries. He works as a professional photographer and freelance writer.

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You’re All Idiots, Pineville

By

Carl Reader

Copyright Carl Reader

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author. All characters in this book are purely fictional. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is strictly coincidental.

Pineville is not a place but an unstable state of mind, so please don’t confuse anything on these pages with any sort of reality. There are no actual people on these pages, and in fact there are no real pages here and you are merely experiencing a figment of your own mental instability. As you read, you will need more and more psychiatric help, but please don’t look for it here or anywhere but with the Pineville Institute for Psychic Self-Immolation.

You’re All Idiots, Pineville

Letz Holdemtite, Pineville Mayor, Passes Away

Front page obituary in The Pineville Press

Pineville Mayor Letz Holdemtite died peacefully Saturday night during the town’s annual festival known as The Shootout Amongst Friends and Family.

Mr. Holdemtite was 138 years old.

Armed to the teeth and gums, Mr. Holdemtite paused behind a rock while firing at his Aunt Encrusta Holdemtite and was bitten by a rat that had ingested poison.

Mr. Holdemtite apparently bit back angrily and ingested the poison as his teeth tore into the overly aggressive varmint. The rat was found nearly cloven in two in the mayor’s mouth by two nuns from The Pineville Church of Holy Knee-Sniffers, who promptly administered the last rites while piously sniffing the dying man’s knees.

The gunfight continued with the prostrate Mr. Holdemtite writhing on the ground until the requisite the 12 people were shot.

Pineville law stipulates that the shootout goes on until a dozen people are wounded or killed, no matter what.

That is exactly how my husband would have vanted it, to die eating a poisoned rat at the happy festival of the shooting people, said Ivana Kutzsomoff, Mr. Holdemtite’s 18-year-old Russian mail-order bride. He luffed the yearly shootout at friends and family with all his hearts. He said he saw his friends and relatives so rarely, and it was even less often he got to shoot at them like targets. He hated the rats that infested the carnival grounds, since they interfered with the fun and would not play crossword puzzles with him.

Mr. Holdemtite’s career as the town’s leader is so long and varied that it would take a special section or a complete issue of this newspaper to detail it all. He served as mayor for over 100 years.

The Pineville Press will make all its back issues available online so that interested readers can inform themselves about his stellar career.

For brevity’s sake, let it be said that Mr. Holdemtite rescued the town from the foreign invasions of neighboring towns several times, propped up the economy single-handedly for over a 10 decades and ate corn for supper every Saturday night.

Keep reading The Pineville Press for more news about this deceased but endlessly fascinating and influential figure.

Even in death he will continue to control events and make news.

Mr. Holdemtite is survived by his sixth or sixtieth (we are not sure of that number, it could be upwards of 300) wife, Ms. Kutzsomoff, and six surviving children, all in the Pineville Federal Penitentiary.

Numerous other relatives fled Pineville at the first opportunity.

Aside from his aunt, two of his cousins died in this year’s shootout, but they are not worth naming, as they were involuntary participants released from the dungeon beneath his house for the event and opposed the festival.

Ten others who died were close friends, also not worth mentioning, since they were in the lower order of participants and only allowed to fire back at him with slingshots.

As he always did in life, Mr. Holdemtite suggested strongly in his will that well-wishers contribute to his secret off-shore bank account, rather than send flowers.

Why should I pay for my existence in the afterlife? he asks in his will. Let the people of Pineville pay and pay and pay. That’s the law as I made it.

The billionaire had engraved on his tombstone: Ah, hell, yes, I am taking it with me, all of it, and let some faggot son-of-a-bitch angel try to stop me. Do you think heaven is free? It’s more expensive than Vero Beach.

Mandatory contributions to Holdemtite’s death tax of no less than $100 can be brought to the office of The Pineville Press, from whence it will be transferred to the dead man’s account in the Bahamas.

Mayor Holdemtite Laid to Rest

Six inmates released from Pineville Federal Prison on that sad day

Special for The Pineville Press

After three days of lying in state in the Pineville Church of Holy Knee-Sniffers, Mayor Letz Holdemtite was welcomed into the open arms of the good earth on Cordiality Heights yesterday among much fanfare and grief and mockery.

As is the tradition in Pineville when a mayor dies, many were there to ridicule his penis.

A crowd of three paid, unknown mourners openly wept and tore at their own flesh while fireworks went off in the town below in celebration of the mayor’s great passing and the lowering of his flag.

That’s more fireworks than that old cock has seen in a century, one of the paid mourners commented.

In a related event, six inmates were released from Pineville Federal Prison as soon as the first shovelfuls of earth were dropped onto the most popular politician ever to grace high office in our fair town.

Rumor has it that the six released inmates were Mr. Holdemtite’s children, but due to a botched procedure the six were not let go in time to attend the sad ceremonies for their dad, or to mock his penis.

The mayor’s widow, 18-year-old Russian mail-order bride Ivana Kutzsomoff, was there to kick the initial few clumps of earth onto her husband’s coffin and to do her part in ridiculing his member.

After kicking her clumps of earth on the mayor’s coffin, his widow, Ms. Kutzsomoff, retreated into the shadows to skulk behind the trunks of trees and comment on his joint.

She wore a stunning black dress, wore her long purple hair free down her curvaceous back. She painted her nails black while hiding behind a large maple during the ceremony, and kept murmuring, Funny dick man, he stabbed me with that funny little dick like needle so many times. He had such a funny dick. It was stinky and no good, a horrible bad penis like ugly rusty needle.

The mayor was buried au natural, as he requested in his will, since he believed a coffin would be too restricting for his robust nature and clothing might be too hot for where he might be going.

Once Ms. Holdemtite was finished ridiculing her husband’s member, the eulogy was given by police chief Winnie Bombednwilling, who was also his longtime mistress, which qualified her to mock his privates quite derisively. She was given the day off from her second vocation as a pole dancer in her Poke-a-Pro strip club to deliver the soaring, heart-felt address scoffing at his penis for posterity.

The High Deacon of the Pineville Church of Holy Knee-Sniffers, Castro Marx, begged off from giving the eulogy, saying he had corn and lentils soaking in a pot and he could not leave them.

He said he would mock the mayor’s private parts privately.

"We are gathered here today to pay homage to our dead mayor, and to speak of his many achievements