We Need to Talk - Tough Conversations With Your Boss: From Promotions to Resignations Tackle Any Topic with Sensitivity and Smarts
()
About this ebook
It features:
- practical and precise advice for specific problem topics
- points of quick reference at a great price
- realistic scripts that help dictate what should and should not be said.
Lynne Eisaguirre
An Adams Media author.
Read more from Lynne Eisaguirre
We Need To Talk - Tough Conversations With Your Employee: From Performance Reviews to Terminations Tackle Any Topic with Sensitivity and Smarts Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Stop Pissing Me Off: What to Do When the People You Work with Drive You Crazy Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5
Related to We Need to Talk - Tough Conversations With Your Boss
Related ebooks
Engagement: Transforming Difficult Relationships at Work Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsStop Pissing Me Off: What to Do When the People You Work with Drive You Crazy Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Rising Above a Toxic Workplace: Taking Care of Yourself in an Unhealthy Environment Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Working with Difficult People Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Manage Your Boss Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Managing Employees Without Fear: How to Follow the Law, Build a Positive Work Culture, and Avoid Getting Sued Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHow to Hold Successful Meetings: 30 Action Tips for Managing Effective Meetings Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsManaging Difficult People: A Survival Guide For Handling Any Employee Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/575 Ways for Managers to Hire, Develop, and Keep Great Employees Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsToxic Workplace!: Managing Toxic Personalities and Their Systems of Power Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5151 Quick Ideas to Deal With Difficult People Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Kickass Career: How to Succeed in the Future of Work, Now Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPerfect Phrases for Managing People (EBOOK BUNDLE) Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Manager's Communication Toolkit: Tools and Techniques for Leading Difficult Personalities Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The HardTalk Handbook: The definitive guide to having the difficult conversations that make a difference Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsTame Your Terrible Office Tyrant: How to Manage Childish Boss Behavior and Thrive in Your Job Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Manager’S Handbook Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsToxic: A Guide to Rebuilding Respect and Tolerance in a Hostile Workplace Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsEmployee Surveys That Work: Improving Design, Use, and Organizational Impact Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsManaging Your Manager: How to Get Ahead with Any Type of Boss Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Employee Conflict Resolution Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Manager's Guide to Employee Feedback: Master this essential management skill and boost your team's performance Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPower Phrases for Performance Reviews Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsGiving Feedback A Complete Guide Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsLeadership Offense: Mastering Appraisal, Performance, and Professional Development Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Careers For You
The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance---What Women Should Know Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Real Artists Don't Starve: Timeless Strategies for Thriving in the New Creative Age Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Everything Career Tests Book: 10 Tests to Determine the Right Occupation for You Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsQuitting: Why I Left My Job to Live a Life of Freedom Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 12 Week Year: Get More Done in 12 Weeks than Others Do in 12 Months Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Ultimate Side Hustle Book: 450 Moneymaking Ideas for the Gig Economy Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Everything Guide To Being A Paralegal: Winning Secrets to a Successful Career! Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Pathless Path Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Ultralearning: Master Hard Skills, Outsmart the Competition, and Accelerate Your Career Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Open & Operate a Financially Successful Notary Business Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Hard Truth About Soft Skills: Soft Skills for Succeeding in a Hard Wor Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5How to Write a Grant: Become a Grant Writing Unicorn Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Buy Then Build: How Acquisition Entrepreneurs Outsmart the Startup Game Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Drop Out And Get Schooled Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Audition: Everything an Actor Needs to Know to Get the Part Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5You Can't Lie to Me: The Revolutionary Program to Supercharge Your Inner Lie Detector and Get to the Truth Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Wise as Fu*k: Simple Truths to Guide You Through the Sh*tstorms of Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Start Your Own Business Bible: 501 New Ventures You Can Launch Today Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Own Your Greatness: Overcome Impostor Syndrome, Beat Self-Doubt, and Succeed in Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5From 150 to 179 on the LSAT Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Overcoming Underearning(TM): A Simple Guide to a Richer Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Creative, Inc.: The Ultimate Guide to Running a Successful Freelance Business Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 4-Hour Workweek (Review and Analysis of Ferriss' Book) Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Professional Voiceover Handbook: Voiceover training, #1 Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Introduction to Conducting Private Investigations: Private Investigator Entry Level (02E) Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Working for Yourself: Law & Taxes for Independent Contractors, Freelancers & Gig Workers of All Types Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Art of Work: A Proven Path to Discovering What You Were Meant to Do Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Growth Mindset: The Art of Growth, #1 Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Reviews for We Need to Talk - Tough Conversations With Your Boss
0 ratings0 reviews
Book preview
We Need to Talk - Tough Conversations With Your Boss - Lynne Eisaguirre
Tough Conversations
with Your
Boss
From Promotions to Resignations
Tackle Any Topic with Sensitivity and Smarts.
LYNNE EISAGUIRRE
9781598698817_0004_002Copyright © 2009 by Lynne Eisaguirre.
All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be
reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher;
exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.
Published by
Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com
ISBN 10: 1-59869-881-8
ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-881-7
eISBN: 978-1-44052-085-3
Printed in the United States of America.
J I H G F E D C B A
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available from the publisher.
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.
—From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted
by a Committee of the American Bar Association
and a Committee of Publishers and Associations
This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.
For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.
Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1: How to Find Out about the Realities of Your Job
Managing Up
Why Bosses Don’t Spell It Out
Asking: Specific Requests That Get Results
Chapter 2: How to Challenge a Bad Performance Review
The Ideal Performance Process
What Is a Bad Review?
Appealing to a Higher Authority
Chapter 3: How to Ask for a Raise, Promotion, or Other Benefits
What to Say and What Not to Say: More Money
Making Your Case for Raises, Promotions, or Other Opportunities
Negotiation Basics
Finding Common Ground
It Never Hurts to Ask
Chapter 4: How to Complain about Harassment, Discrimination, Threats, Violence, or Unsafe Conditions
Understanding Harassment
Illegal Harassment and Discrimination: True Legal Violations
Harassment or Discrimination under Your Organization’s Policies
Other Workplace Legal Issues
How to Handle Threats and Violence
What to Say and What Not to Say
Chapter 5: How to Complain about People or Work
Complaints about Another Employee
When to Complain to Your Boss
How to Complain about Your Boss—to Your Boss
Complaining about Work
Chapter 6: How to Find Out What’s Really Going On
Why You Should Care
Office Politics and Social Skills
Chapter 7: How to Find Out What Your Boss Really Thinks
How to Graciously Ask the Tough Questions
How to Find Out What’s Really in Your Boss’s Head
What Your Boss Would Say if She Could
How to Avoid Being Blindsided
How to Tackle an Indecisive Boss
Chapter 8: How to Ask for Maternity, Sick Leave, Disability Accommodation, or Other Time Off
Know Your Rights
Employer’s Duty
Changes Coming to FMLA
Your Organization’s Policies and Benefits
Chapter 9: What to Say When You’re Fired or Laid Off, or During an Investigation or Disciplinary Action
Know Your Rights
Termination
Layoffs
Investigations
General Rules about What to Say and Not to Say
More about What to Say During Specific Situations
When and How to Consult an Attorney
Chapter 10: How to Tell Your Boss You’re Quitting
Giving Your Boss Feedback
When to Leave
What if You Feel Bad about Leaving?
What to Say and What Not to Say
Negotiating Severance
Chapter 11: How to Cope with Difficult Workplace Feelings
Bouncing Back
Getting Through the Tough Times at Work
What to Expect if Things Get Legal
What to Say and What Not to Say
Conclusion
Appendix A: Additional Resources
Appendix B: Bibliography
Acknowledgments
As I finish this, my fifth book, I realize that teams, not just authors, produce books. I am grateful for my own dream team. I’m indebted to my agent, Michael Snell, who came to me with the proposal for this book. Chelsea King at Adams Media created the original concept, and helped me shape and refocus the content, while remaining cheerful and optimistic—everything a writer wants in an editor. Brendan O’Neill served as additional and useful support.
On the home front, my hard-working and upbeat assistant, Shannon Duran, typed and proofed endless versions of this book without complaint. Val Moses offered last-minute editing. I’m thankful to many clients who trusted me with their personal stories. Their names and identities have been changed in many situations to protect the innocent.
Friends Bill Cahal, Susan Hazaleus, and Val Moses helped shore up my attitude. My fellow villagers,
residents of my co-housing community in Golden, Colorado, offered in-the-trenches training on the realities of creating productive conversations and dialogues instead of debates.
My parents, Joe and Wilma Eisaguirre, and siblings, Kim Jones and Lew Eisaguirre, provided moral support and their usual unflagging belief in my abilities—as well as teaching me much of what I know about difficult conversations! (That’s a joke, guys!)
On the home front, Nancy Fox helped care for my children with devoted attention so that I would have the time and energy to work. John Evans provided moral support as well as extra child care. And of course my kids, Elizabeth and Nicholas, worked cheerfully on their own books so that I would have the time to write mine. I love you more than any writer’s words can ever express.
9781598698817_0014_001Introduction
You’re beating budget. You’re on schedule. You’ve been complimented on your outstanding work. You’ve done everything your boss has asked, and more. Life is good, except for the fact that you’ve got insomnia. Sweaty palms. A knot in your stomach. It’s all because you’re worried about having a conversation with your boss about upgrading your title and salary.
How is it that we human beings struggle so much with talking about what’s important to us? On the one hand, it’s hard to believe that there are so many competent, articulate, well-educated, intelligent, creative, talented people working in the world who fear conversation more than almost any other situation. On the other hand, it’s not difficult to imagine at all. From entry-level workers to front-line managers to CEOs, I have worked with people at all levels of organizations to help them develop the skills to have successful conversations about challenging topics. The truth is that even veteran managers and senior leaders struggle with discussing issues such as complaints, performance issues, and other workplace woes. If they have problems, it’s normal that you would feel intimidated also.
Do you know how to break difficult news to the boss, ask for a raise, a bonus, or a break? Do you know how to find out how you’re really doing and ferret out the unwritten rules of your workplace? Do you wish you had a career coach and a script to use as a model to start a tough conversation?
Disagreeing with your boss isn’t inherently stressful. You can root for rival baseball teams and even make a friendly little bet on the outcome. You can disagree about whether a high-protein diet or just controlling food portions is a better way to manage your weight. But when there’s something at stake, watch out. When the topic is whether you get a promotion, the opportunity to lead a project, or time off to care for an ailing parent, there are tangible outcomes riding on the dialogue. If your manager’s perspective doesn’t align with your own, it can hinder your ability to carry on an intelligent, calm conversation.
Given our opposable thumbs, ingenuity, and capacity for emotion, the human response to stress seems less impressive than one might expect. What’s up with that? After millions of years of evolution, it’s a little disappointing that we still experience a primitive fight or flight
response to duress. But it’s there and it’s hard-wired into the human brain. Under stress, the body goes into high gear in a hurry. Your heart rate goes up, your pupils dilate, your system is flooded with adrenaline and cortisol, and blood moves away from the digestive tract to your muscles and limbs so you are ready to flee or fight. No wonder it’s so hard to communicate when you feel stressed. Your body is poised for action, not dialogue.
What’s in It for You?
Your stress is about to go way down. We Need to Talk: Tough Conversations with Your Boss is like having a support team on call 24/7. This book is a step-by-step guide through the most common difficult conversations that employees inevitably need to have with their bosses. Based on thousands of consultations, negotiations, and speaking engagements, the best-practice advice here will give you the words and tools you need to navigate workplace conundrums with grace and success.
As president and CEO of Workplaces That Work, I speak several times a month throughout the United States to groups of 20 to 2,000. These groups span the spectrum of hourly employees to executives. I’ve spoken to truckers and travel editors, factory workers and farmers, attorneys and astronauts. They all share common dilemmas: what to say at work when they don’t know what to say.
I spent several years as an employment attorney before becoming a consultant. I’ve litigated cases and continue to advise clients through my consulting practice about how laws impact everyday workplace interactions and conversations. If you follow the advice and rules outlined in this book, you’ll learn how to know when to talk and when to stay silent. You’ll be equipped with great opening lines and tee-ups
to a conversation; you’ll be able to recognize when to cut your losses and leave the room, when to speak up, and when to be silent. You’ll also learn the art of breaking down difficult conversations into bite-sized pieces so you don’t swallow the thing whole, but manage it in small bites.
A Disclaimer, Since I’m an Attorney
If you have an HR (human resources) department or director in your organization, it’s always a good idea to try to seek their advice or counsel. If you use this book before you talk with them, it will give you a general idea of what to say—and perhaps more important, what not to say—but it can’t give you the specifics on your organization’s policies and culture, which can be critical. Don’t overlook these important nuances. Your HR department wants you to have a successful relationship with your boss and you can often benefit from spending time with an HR professional before you talk with your boss.
Of course, there remain certain circumstances where you’ll need to consult an attorney, regardless of the tools in this book. This book is not meant to be legal advice: that can only be gained through a consultation with your own attorney and by developing an attorney-client relationship. The information here is offered for educational purposes only. What this book may do, however, is help you decide when you need to consult an attorney and when you can go it alone. This book is not a substitute for competent legal advice.
9781598698817_0020_001Chapter 1
How to Find Out about the
Realities of Your Job
JOEL SAMPSON LEANED back in his chair and closed his eyes, but the job specifications swam in his head anyway. On the one hand, there was that list of goals in his job description that included specific objectives he was supposed to accomplish in order to get an outstanding rating on his annual performance review. On the other hand, his boss seemed to have priorities that did not really line up with the detailed list of objectives outlined in the written job description.
It was clear that he needed to talk to Kyle, his boss, but that was nearly impossible. Kyle was a platinum-level frequent flyer, jumping on and off planes around the globe, meeting with clients and making deals. When he was in the office, it seemed that there was a perpetual line of people waiting for him outside his office door. Even if he could find a free spot on Kyle’s calendar, Joel had absolutely, positively no idea what to say!
Managing Up
Your boss is not the only person with management responsibilities. You have them, too. It’s true, even if you do not have a single staffer reporting to you, your success is tied to how well you manage your boss. This idea, called managing up, is a proactive approach to working with your boss to achieve the best outcomes. Translation: you win, your boss wins, and your organization wins. Managing up is really the only viable long-term strategy for a successful relationship with your boss. Hating your boss gets you nowhere fast. Kissing up only gets you somewhere for a limited time. Managing up will yield sustained good things for you and your boss.
Regardless of your job description, managing your boss is actually one of your primary responsibilities because your relationship with your boss is invaluable to both of you. You are mutually dependent on each other. Your boss provides direction, feedback, resources, and support (or not, if you have an incompetent boss).
Your boss also depends upon you. Your boss looks to you to produce great work, solve problems, find inventive solutions, collaborate with others, and contribute to achieving organizational goals.
If you do not engage with your boss regularly, you won’t be in a position to get what the boss has to give.
Get to Know Your Bosses
First things first. In most organizations, you have more than one boss. Often there is a single boss who is in charge of your performance appraisal, but that person usually relies on feedback from other leaders to give you an accurate appraisal. It is likely that you will find yourself working on a variety of projects, led by different