Terry's Joke Collection Volume Two: Barber to Domestic Staff Jokes

By Terry Eade

This is the second of nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection. The ten chapters in this volume include: Barber and Beautician Jokes, Bedside Jokes, Blind & Deaf Jokes, Blonde Jokes, Cafe & Restaurant Jokes, Cannibal & Jungle Jokes, College & University Jokes, Cowboy & Indian Jokes, Dentist & Optometrist Jokes, and Domestic Staff Jokes.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Terry Eade
• Release date: Feb 1, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370750245

Terry Eade

Dr. Eade has a BA in economics from Central Washington University, an MBA in business administration from the University of Utah, and a PhD in higher education econometrics from the University of Washington. His professional career has included being an Air Force Squadron Commander, a Chief Fiscal Officer, a college Vice President, and the Commandant of a leadership academy. He has taught college classes in both management and finance. As a management consultant he trained managers and was a keynote speaker at various conventions. Dr. Eade is also an experienced poker player, a snowbird, a golfer, a motorcycle rider, and an author.

Book preview

Terry’s Joke Collection

Volume II

Barber to Domestic Staff Jokes

Terry Eade

Copyright 2017 Terry Eade

Smashwords Edition

ISBN 9781370750245

Introduction

Illustration by Terry Eade

This is the second of nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic.

Each joke has a title and is listed in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. Jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Although the number of chapters in each volume range from three to ten, most of the volumes contain about the same number of jokes. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of this book.

The advantage of having these books in electronic format is that you can view them on your smart phone, tablet, ebook reader, or computer. You can specify the size of the print they will appear in, so they are easy for you to read. You can also use your device’s ebook reader software to electronically bookmark a joke you want to quickly access. Because they are stored as books in your mobile device library you can have them with you wherever you go, without needing a wi-fi connection, a cell phone connection, or using any of your data allowance.

The size and weight of this information in traditional print books would take a whole suitcase to store and that suitcase would weigh a ton. Now you can have thousands of jokes with you on your phone. So you should never have to apologize because you can't remember a great joke you would like to tell or forget the punch line of one you are trying to tell from memory.

Even if you're not the type of person who enjoys telling jokes, you will get hours of enjoyment reading those provided in this book and the other eight volumes of the Terry’s Joke Collection series. Also. if you are like me, you will find your favorites and enjoy reading them over and over. When I am telling jokes to my friends they will have their favorites and request them for any new person in the group or just to hear them again. Virtually any time I am telling jokes to my friends they will say Tell the one about the Foreign Legion captain and the camel, the taxidermist in the redneck bar, or the general and the motor pool. The titles of the jokes are descriptive, but designed to not give away the punch line of the joke.

Those reading solely for entertainment should make sure they take note of the joke rating notations explained at the beginning of each chapter. This way they are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than they would like. Just as I do not want to offend my audience when telling a joke, I do not want to offend my readers by having them read a joke which might offend, shock, or embarrass them.

My collection of jokes started at a very young age. When I was just seven years old, my sixteen-year-old cousin would tell me jokes while we were riding the tractor together on his parents' farm in Michigan. He told me about the facts of life so I could understand the humor in the jokes. These facts were quickly validated, by watching the animals on the farm.

Since I had been exposed to a great number of more sophisticated jokes than my grade school companions, I became the one to tell jokes in the school yard. Because I was an army brat, and attended more schools than grades as I moved to new cities, states, and countries, I became the Johnny Appleseed of joke telling.

When I went to college my joke telling paid off in other ways. As long as I would tell jokes to my friends and classmates at the local college tavern, they would buy me beer. Since I was working my way through college, free beer was a great luxury as well as a vital part of the college experience.

Later, when I began teaching college courses, giving seminars, accepting speaking engagements, and serving as the MC at various functions, my jokes would often spice up otherwise dull subjects and events. Having a love of telling jokes and a very good memory, I retain the jokes and can still tell thousands from memory. My ability to do this is based on a trick I learned about public speaking. That trick is not to memorize the joke word for word, but to just remember the concept and the punch line and wing the rest. I also embellished my joke telling skills by adopting various accents and sound effects, which fit with the joke I was telling.

Whenever I told jokes in an informal setting, my companions would also share their favorite jokes and I would add those to my collection. Friends and relatives, who knew I was always looking for a new joke, emailed a great number of my jokes to me. As a result, my collection has grown so large that it takes nine volumes to tell them all. If you find a joke that is not included in my collection, please send it to me at [e-mail].

Although I have made up a few of the jokes in my collection, most of them are in the public domain. So, although the books are copyrighted, the jokes are not. Being an amateur cartoonist, I have also drawn all of the illustrations in the books and these are copyrighted as well.

All nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection, as well as several other books I have authored, are available online from Barnes & Noble, the Apple iBookstore, Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher at smashwords.com (where I get a bigger royalty). Just go to any of those sites and search for Terry Eade.

Chapter 1

Barber & Beautician Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a mortician in a barber a shop may appear here and in the Funeral and Cemetery Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

For a Close Shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

I have just the thing, says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. Just place this between your cheek and gum. The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, And what if I swallow it?

No problem, says the barber. Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!

Just Checking

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looks around the shop and says, About two hours.

The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, How long before I get a haircut?

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, About two hours.

The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looks around the shop an says, About an hour-and-a-half.

The guy leaves again

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, Bill, where did he go when he left here?

Bill looked up and said, To your house.

Trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, Why would anyone want to go there? Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?

We're taking TWA, was the reply. We got a great rate!

TWA! exclaimed the barber. That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?

We'll be at the downtown International Marriott.

That dump! That's the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?

We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.

That's rich, laughed the barber. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.

The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

It was wonderful, explained the man. Not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!

Well, muttered the barber, I know you didn't get to see the Pope.

Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.

What'd he say?

He said, Where'd you get the shitty haircut?

The Generous Barber

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord. The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, No charge. I consider it a service to the community. The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, No charge. I consider it a service to the country. The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

Shave and a Shine

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, I'll have a shave and a shoe shine. The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his boots.

The cowboy said, Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference.

She said, You tell him. He is the one shaving you.

Blonde with Headphones

A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a tape player and wearing a set of headphones. I want a haircut but want to keep the headphones on during the haircut said the blonde, can you do that? Sure said the hairdresser, it will take a little longer and cost a bit more, but I think I can give you a good haircut under those conditions if you are willing to pay a bit more.

Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another haircut with the same condition, Whatever you do ... don't touch the headphones No problem said the hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the restraint.

Three weeks later, the same thing happened and don't forget - don't touch the headphones said the blonde. By this time, the blonde had become comfortable with the hairdresser and trusted her to do a good job, so she fell asleep during the haircut. Very curious to know what the blonde was listening to, which was so important or entertaining that she would not even give it up to get a haicut, the hairdresser gently removed the headphones and placed them on her own ears. What she heard was hard to believe, it was the same message over and over again... "breathe in... breathe out... breath in... breath out...

By the time the hairdresser realized what she had done, it was too late, the blonde was dead.

Radical Haircut

Porky, a punk teenage boy continually challenges his conservative father by wanting to have his ears pierced or his hair cut or dyed in an unusual way. His Dad always adamantly refuses to buckle under to pressure and constant begging of his son.

One day, when they are at the barber shop to get their regular hair cuts, Porky asks, Dad, would it be okay if I had S-T-U-D shaved into the back of my head?

The father, shocked, thought it over and calmly replied, Sure! But only if you have the barber add a -Y to the end of it.

Wild Thing

The old man's regular barber had retired and so he had gone to one of the new chain, unisex hair styling salons to get his regular conservative haircut. Not only did they not have any of his favorite sports or car magazines, but most of the clientile were women and younger folks.

As the old man was sitting uncomfortably in the waiting area, reading a People Magazine, a young man pulled up outside in a custom chopper with loud pipes. After the young guy had parked his bike and taken off his leathers he walked in and sat down. The young guy had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

The young man said sarcastically, What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

Spend All My Money **

While Frank was getting his hair cut, he was complaining to the barber about his financial problems. Frank says Every time I cash my pay check my wife goes out and blows it on new clothes, no wonder we can't get ahead.

I had the same problem, says the barber, so one day I went to the tattoo parlor and asked to have a 100 dollar bill tattooed on my penis.

How did that solve the problem? says Frank.

Then I went home, says the barber, and told my wife that I had figured out how she could blow a hundred bucks any time she wanted, get ahead, and not have me bitching about it afterwords.

** Risque

Blonde's New Cell Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.

She is all excited, she loves her cell phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping and then stops for a hair cut and a perm.

Her phone rings and it's her husband, Hi hun,he says how do you like your new phone?

She replies: I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell! But there's one thing I don't understand though.

What's that, baby? asks the husband.

How did you know I was at the beauty parlor?

Choosing a Barber

Two guys are sitting in a barber shop waiting for a haircut, while two barbers were toiling over the customers in their respective chairs.

I've never been here before, said the first man, do you have a recommendation on which barber is the best?

Well I've never been here before either, says the second man, but I'm going to wait for the barber on the left.

Why do you think he would be the better barber? says the first man.

Because he has the worse haircut, says the second man, barbers always cut each others hair.

Never thought about that before, says the first man, but it makes sense.

The same thing applies when choosing a psychiatrist in a clinic, says the second man, always chose the one who appears to be the most disturbed.

Hair on Your Twinkie *

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. While her dad gets his hair cut, she stands right next to the barber chair, eating a Hostess snack cake.

The barber says to her, You know, sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie.

I know, she replies. I'm gonna get tits too.

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Chapter 2

Bedside Jokes