Terry's Joke Collection Volume Six: military to Newlywed Jokes

By Terry Eade

This is the sixth of nine volumes of the Terry's Joke Collection series. The five chapters in this volume include: (1) Military & Nautical Jokes, (2) Miscellaneous Jokes, (3) Motorcycle & Biker Jokes, (4) Nationality & Ethnic Jokes, and (5) Newlywed Jokes.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Terry Eade
• Release date: Feb 1, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370475629

Terry Eade

Dr. Eade has a BA in economics from Central Washington University, an MBA in business administration from the University of Utah, and a PhD in higher education econometrics from the University of Washington. His professional career has included being an Air Force Squadron Commander, a Chief Fiscal Officer, a college Vice President, and the Commandant of a leadership academy. He has taught college classes in both management and finance. As a management consultant he trained managers and was a keynote speaker at various conventions. Dr. Eade is also an experienced poker player, a snowbird, a golfer, a motorcycle rider, and an author.

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Terry’s Joke Collection

Volume VI

Military to Newlywed Jokes

Terry Eade

Copyright 2017 Terry Eade

Smashwords Edition

ISBN 9781370475629

Introduction

Illustration by Terry Eade

This is the sixth of nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic.

Each joke has a title and is listed in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. Jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Although the number of chapters in each volume range from three to ten, most of the volumes contain about the same number of jokes. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of this book.

The advantage of having these books in electronic format is that you can view them on your smart phone, tablet, ebook reader, or computer. You can specify the size of the print they will appear in, so they are easy for you to read. You can also use your device’s ebook reader software to electronically bookmark a joke you want to quickly access. Because they are stored as books in your mobile device library you can have them with you wherever you go, without needing a wi-fi connection, a cell phone connection, or using any of your data allowance.

The size and weight of this information in traditional print books would take a whole suitcase to store and that suitcase would weigh a ton. Now you can have thousands of jokes with you on your phone. So you should never have to apologize because you can't remember a great joke you would like to tell or forget the punch line of one you are trying to tell from memory.

Even if you're not the type of person who enjoys telling jokes, you will get hours of enjoyment reading those provided in this book and the other eight volumes of the Terry’s Joke Collection series. Also. if you are like me, you will find your favorites and enjoy reading them over and over. When I am telling jokes to my friends they will have their favorites and request them for any new person in the group or just to hear them again. Virtually any time I am telling jokes to my friends they will say Tell the one about the Foreign Legion captain and the camel, the taxidermist in the redneck bar, or the general and the motor pool. The titles of the jokes are descriptive, but designed to not give away the punch line of the joke.

Those reading solely for entertainment should make sure they take note of the joke rating notations explained at the beginning of each chapter. This way they are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than they would like. Just as I do not want to offend my audience when telling a joke, I do not want to offend my readers by having them read a joke which might offend, shock, or embarrass them.

My collection of jokes started at a very young age. When I was just seven years old, my sixteen-year-old cousin would tell me jokes while we were riding the tractor together on his parents' farm in Michigan. He told me about the facts of life so I could understand the humor in the jokes. These facts were quickly validated, by watching the animals on the farm.

Since I had been exposed to a great number of more sophisticated jokes than my grade school companions, I became the one to tell jokes in the school yard. Because I was an army brat, and attended more schools than grades as I moved to new cities, states, and countries, I became the Johnny Appleseed of joke telling.

When I went to college my joke telling paid off in other ways. As long as I would tell jokes to my friends and classmates at the local college tavern, they would buy me beer. Since I was working my way through college, free beer was a great luxury as well as a vital part of the college experience.

Later, when I began teaching college courses, giving seminars, accepting speaking engagements, and serving as the MC at various functions, my jokes would often spice up otherwise dull subjects and events. Having a love of telling jokes and a very good memory, I retain the jokes and can still tell thousands from memory. My ability to do this is based on a trick I learned about public speaking. That trick is not to memorize the joke word for word, but to just remember the concept and the punch line and wing the rest. I also embellished my joke telling skills by adopting various accents and sound effects, which fit with the joke I was telling.

Whenever I told jokes in an informal setting, my companions would also share their favorite jokes and I would add those to my collection. Friends and relatives, who knew I was always looking for a new joke, emailed a great number of my jokes to me. As a result, my collection has grown so large that it takes nine volumes to tell them all. If you find a joke that is not included in my collection, please send it to me at [e-mail].

Although I have made up a few of the jokes in my collection, most of them are in the public domain. So, although the books are copyrighted, the jokes are not. Being an amateur cartoonist, I have also drawn all of the illustrations in the books and these are copyrighted as well.

All nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection, as well as several other books I have authored, are available online from Barnes & Noble, the Apple iBookstore, Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher at smashwords.com (where I get a bigger royalty). Just go to any of those sites and search for Terry Eade.

Chapter 1

Military & Nautical Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a sailer and a Genie may appear here and in the Genie & Magic Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

Toughest Men in the Army

Three old master sergeants were sitting around a table having drinks at the NCO club and talking about how tough the men in their respective units were.

The first sergeant says We have the toughest men in the Army in our unit. We had one of our guys get his guts shot out ......I mean all his guts. Twenty-four hours later he was back on duty!

That's nothing, says the second sergeant, we had a guy in our outfit who had his brains shot out .........I mean all his brains. Twenty-four hours later he was back on duty!!

I've got both of you guys beat, says the third sergeant, we've got second lieutenants in our outfit with no brains or guts and the're on duty all the time!!!

The Stowaway *

The Captain noticed that when one of the crew members would take his break he would get a snack and then go out to one of the lifeboats and climb under the cover rather than take his break with the rest of the crew in the galley. After about a week the Captain went out to the lifeboat and looked inside. There was a pretty young oriental girl.

What are you doing in there? said the Captain.

I'm sorry, says the girl, but my mother is very sick in Japan and I couldn't afford the passage to go and see her. So when I met this nice sailor in Seattle who offered to sneak me aboard his ship and hide me in this lifeboat, I knew my prayers had been answered. He has been bringing me food and water for almost a week. He is so nice, please don't punish him.

And what is he getting for all this trouble? says the Captain.

Well, says the girl, he has been screwing me.

He sure as hell has, says the Captain this is the Bremerton Ferry.

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Motor Pool

The desk clerk at the base motor pool is away eating his lunch. One of the mechanics goes through the office on his way to the latrine. Since he hears the phone ringing he answers the phone and says Motor Pool

Yes, comes a gruff voice on the other end of the line, can you tell me what kind of transportation you have for officers?

Yea, says the soldier, we've got Chevrolets for the lieutenants, Pontiacs for the captains, Oldsmobiles for the majors, Buicks for the colonels, and for those fat ass generals we've got Cadillacs.

Soldier, says the voice on the other end of the line, do you know who this is?

No sir I don't, says the soldier.

This is General Thaddius Cornwall, booms the voice on the other end of the line.

After a slight pause the soldier responds with equal bravado General do you know who this is?

No I don't, responds the General.

Well then so long fat ass, says the soldier as he hangs up the phone.

Shower Patrol **

The old Navy chief was briefing new sailors who were being assigned to the ship. One of the things he warned them about was some sexual pervert who would strike young sailors in the shower. The pattern had been for the assailant to wait until someone was showering alone and then when they would drop the soap and bend over to pick it up the lights would go out and the unknown assailant would strike. So far they had been unable to catch or identify the guilty party.

About a week into the cruise one young sailor was taking a shower by himself when he dropped his soap and bent over to pick it up. Sure enough the lights went out immediately, so remembering what the Chief had said he waited until the assailant struck and then stood up straight, tightened up his ass and called out I've got him Chief, I've got him!!

** Risque

French Foreign Legion *

The young French Foreign Legion Lieutenant had just been promoted to Captain and assigned as the commander of a post in the desert of Algiers. After a few weeks on the job the young Captain called in his First Sergeant and asks him what there is to do around the post after hours.

Well sir, responds the Sergeant their are no women on the post but the men have chipped in and purchased a camel, which is tied out behind the barracks. If you would like me to put you on the list for the camel I would be pleased to be of service to you.

I'm shocked, says the Captain indignantly, I'm an officer in the French Foreign Legion and I would not stoop to such conduct. I'm insulted that you even thought I would do such a thing.

Several months go buy and the young Captain is getting extremely horney. One day he calls in the First Sergeant and says I would like to apologize for my outburst about the camel when I first came to the post, I know that you were just looking out for my best interest. I have also considered that I may look arrogant to the men for not considering the use of their camel. So If it is not too much trouble I would like you to sign me up for a turn with the camel.

The Sergeant signs the Captain up for the camel and tells him the date. For the week before the Captains date with the camel, the Captain is getting very excited and checking off each day on his calendar. As soon as the Captain has finished his duties on the big day he takes a bath, puts on a clean uniform and goes out behind the barracks for his big rendezvous with the camel. He finds a stool beside the camel and puts it behind the camel stands on the stool and starts screwing the camel. After a few minutes he notices that all the men are leaning out the back windows of the barracks watching him and laughing. The Captain has waited a long time for this and does not give up until he is finished, even though the men are laughing harder and harder.

The next day the embarrassed Captain calls the First Sergeant into his office and demands an explanation.

I thought you told me that you and all the men were signed up for the camel,says the Captain.

That's right sir, says the First Sergeant.

Then why were they all laughing at me? asks the Captain.

Well sir, says the Sergeant the men usually just ride the camel into town, that's were the women are.

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

All Hands on Deck

The young ensign had just been assigned to his first ship a large aircraft carrier. His job was to be in charge of the communications room and he wanted to do an especially good job so he would be noticed and perhaps more rappidly promoted. On the third day of the cruise a message came in that Seaman Jone's mother had died.

The young ensign took the message rushed to the bridge grabbed the microphone and yelled All hands on deck, all hands on deck.

Soon all the crew is lined up on the deck and the ensign makes his announcement. Seaman Jones your mother has died. At that point Seaman Jones is so surprised that he dies from shock.

So the Captain calls the ensign in and tells him that he definitely handled the situation poorly and to try and be much more sensitive on such matters in the future. A few days later another message comes in that Seaman Smith's mother has passed away.

Remembering the talk with the Captain, the ensign carefully considers the way he should handle the situation. After thinking about the situation for a few minutes, the ensign goes to the bridge and flips on the microphone and announces All Hands on Deck, All hands on deck.

Once the sailors have assembled on deck the ensign says now all you men who's mothers are still living take one step forward.......ah, ah..... not you Seaman Smith!!"

Home from Camp *

The young marine had just finished boot camp and was home on leave at his parents farm in the bible belt of Iowa. He really stood out with his buzz haircut and his sharply pressed uniform, but even more noticeable was the colorful language he had picked up in the Marine Corps.

That night at dinner he turned to his mother and said Could you pass the fucking butter?

At this his mother clasped her hand over her mouth in disbelief, started crying and had to leave the table.

After dinner his father took him outside and had a talk with him. I know you are all grown up now and that you are exposed to some pretty rough language from your buddies in the service, but this is Iowa and we don't talk like that here, so while you are home you had better clean up your act and not give your mother any more grief.

The next night at dinner, the young marine appologised to his mother for his bad language and said that he would really try and act better around them.

Later in the meal he turned to his mother and said Pardon me mother, would you please pass the butter?

Both parents beamed at the improvement.

Then the son grined and said Thought I was going to fuck up didn't ya?

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Whale of a Good Time **

So these two whales, male and female, are swimming happily through the ocean.

On seeing a boat, the male says, Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!

The female says, Uh... I don't know...

Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!

The female agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue. As they are swimming away, the male says, Wow, that was fun, wasn't it?

Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

The female, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen.

** Risque

The Old Box Lunch

The flight crew of the Air Force C-141 cargo plane had completed their training mission and was returning to their home base. The aircraft commander, Major Franklin, had turned the controls over to the copilot and was going back to the cargo bay to have lunch with the rest of the crew.

After having finished their standard issue Air Force in-flight box lunch, the crew was engaging in conversation. As the Major was getting ready to dispose of the remains of his box lunch, he took out the small packaged moist towelette and held it in the air.

Anyone want this before I throw it away, said the Major, I don't use them anymore since my wife thinks the perfumed scent makes me smell like a French whorehouse.

I'll take it sir, announced a young airman, my wife has never been in a whorehouse.

The General and the Nurse

The crusty old general had to spend a couple of days in the base hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses and the orderlies because he bossed them around just like he did his troops in the field. Even the throngs of cards and flowers from well wishers and brown nosers did not brighten him up. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

One morning a young nurse came in and tried to take his temperature. The general told her it wasn't necessary and he wasn't going to comply. Not knowing what to do the young nurse went to the Head Nurse.

The head nurse was an equally crusty old major and she was not about to have the old general giving her nurses any more trouble. She came into the general's room and announced, I have to take your temperature and I don't want any crap out of you. You may be a general, but this is my floor and you'll do what I say. After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

No, I'm sorry, the Head Nurse stated, but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back! She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the general's doctor comes into the room. What's going on here? asked the doctor.

Angrily, the general answers, What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?

After a pause, the doctor responds, Not with a daffodil.

Hard to Resist **

Three soldiers head into town after receiveing the first pass they have had in three weeks. After a few beers in a downtown tavern they find their way to an out-of-the-way brothel. They go in and ask about the price. Depends on what you get, says the proprietor, we've got a $25 deal, a $35 deal and a $50 deal. It's all up to you.

The first soldier says, well I'm a little short this month, so I'm going to try out the $25 deal. So he goes into the room and comes out about a half hour later with a big grin on his face. Well how was the $25 deal?, his friends ask. It was great he says, this nice looking bruenette comes in with nothing on, we have a little foreplay and then she takes a pineapple ring out of a can puts it around my cock and eats it off. It was great!

The second soldier says, That sounded great, I think I'm going to try the $35 deal. After about forty-five minutes the second soldier comes out of the room with an even bigger grin on his face than the first soldier. What was the $35 deal like?' his friends inquire. Well, he explains, This great looking blonde comes in with nothing on, we have a little foreplay and then she takes two pineapple rings puts them both around my cock and eats them off. It was fantastic!!

The third soldier says I'm pretty well off this month and I've just got to try the $50 deal. So he goes into the room and comes out in about an hour with a bigger grin than the first two soldiers combined. Well how was it?' ask his buddies with great excitement, we're dieing to know what the $50 deal was like.

Well, says the third soldier, this fantastic looking redhead comes in wearing nothing but a smile, we have a lot of foreplay and then she puts three pineapple rings around my cock, piles on some whipping cream, sprinkels on some nuts, and tops it off with a cherry.

Well then what happened? ask the first two soldiers, obviously excited by the story.

It looked so damned good I ate it myself, confessed the third soldier.

** Risque

First Liberty ***

A young guy named Phil, who is just out of high school, enlists in the Navy. Like all the other recruits he has been confined to the base all during his basic training. Then they are told that they have one liberty before they ship out for a three month cruise. All of the other sailors have lined up dates for one last fling before they ship out.

Phil doesn't know any girls in the area and has always been too shy to pick up girls. However, he certainly doesn't want to have to tell all his shipmates that he spent his liberty on base at the library or watching television in the barracks. So he takes his car into town and looks for a hooker. By the time Phil gets into town the only hooker he can find is a seasoned vetran, who is easily three times his age. However, Phil is a man on a mission and he will not go back without a story.

Since Phil's only experiences in high school had been some light petting in his car, he picks up the old hooker and takes her up to Lookout Point. After fondling her sagging breasts for a few minutes he goes south and slips in his finger. After a few seconds of this the hooker says Sony that's nowhere near enough. At this Phil slips in a second finger, but the hooker is still complaining that its isn't enough.