Drama Luau: A Nicky and Noah Mystery: Nicky and Noah Mysteries, #4

By Joe Cosentino

Theatre professors and spouses, Nicky Abbondanza and Noah Oliver, are on their honeymoon at a Hawaiian resort, where musclemen in grass skirts are keeling over like waterfalls. Things erupt faster than a volcano when Nicky and Noah, along with their best friends Martin and Ruben, try to stage a luau show. Nicky and Noah will need to use their drama skills to figure out who is bringing the grass curtain down on male hula dancers—before things go coconuts for the handsome couple. You will be applauding and shouting Bravo for Joe Cosentino's fast-paced, side-splittingly funny, edge-of-your-seat entertaining fourth novel in this delightful series. Curtain up and aloha!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joe Cosentino
• Release date: May 20, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370559190

Joe Cosentino

JOE COSENTINO was voted Favorite MM Mystery, Humorous, and Contemporary Author of the Year by the readers of Divine Magazine for Drama Queen, the first Nicky and Noah mystery novel. He is also the author of the remaining Nicky and Noah mysteries: Drama Muscle, Drama Cruise, Drama Luau, Drama Detective, Drama Fraternity, Drama Castle, Drama Dance, Drama Faerie, Drama Runway, Drama Christmas, Drama Pan, Drama TV, Drama Oz, Drama Prince, Drama Merry, Drama Daddy, and Drama King; the Player Piano Mysteries: The Player and The Player's Encore; the Jana Lane Mysteries: Paper Doll, Porcelain Doll, Satin Doll, China Doll, Rag Doll; the Cozzi Cove series: Cozzi Cove: Bouncing Back, Moving Forward, Stepping Out, New Beginnings, Happy Endings; the In My Heart Anthology: An Infatuation & A Shooting Star; the Tales from Fairyland Anthology: The Naked Prince and Other Tales from Fairyland and Holiday Tales from Fairyland; the Bobby and Paolo Holiday Stories Anthology: A Home for the Holidays, The Perfect Gift, The First Noel; and the Found At Last Anthology: Finding Giorgio and Finding Armando. His books have won numerous Book of the Month awards and Rainbow Award Honorable Mentions. As an actor, Joe appeared in principal roles in film, television, and theatre, opposite stars such as Bruce Willis, Rosie O'Donnell, Nathan Lane, Jason Robards, and Holland Taylor. He received his Master of Fine Arts degree from Goddard College, Master's degree from SUNY New Paltz, and is a happily married emeritus college theatre professor residing in New York State.

Book preview

Table of Contents

Drama Luau

Cast of Characters

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Epilogue

About the Author

Praise for the Nicky and Noah mysteries:

Joe Cosentino has a unique and fabulous gift. His writing is flawless, and his use of farce, along with his convoluted plot-lines, will have you guessing until the very last page, which makes his books a joy to read. His books are worth their weight in gold, and if you haven't discovered them yet you are in for a rare treat. —Divine Magazine

a combination of Laurel and Hardy mixed with Hitchcock and Murder She Wrote…Loaded with puns and one-liners…Right to the end, you are kept guessing, and the conclusion still has a surprise in store for you. —Optimumm Book Reviews

adventure, mystery, and romance with every page….Funny, clever, and sweet….I can’t find anything not to love about this series….This read had me laughing and falling in love….Nicky and Noah are my favorite gay couple. —Urban Book Reviews

For fans of Joe Cosentino's hilarious mysteries, this is another vintage story with more cheeky asides and sub plots right left and centre….The story is fast paced, funny and sassy. The writing is very witty with lots of tongue-in-cheek humour….Highly recommended. —Boy Meets Boy Reviews

This delightfully sudsy, colorful cast of characters would rival that of any daytime soap opera, and the character exchanges are rife with sass, wit and cagey sarcasm….As the pages turn quickly, the author keeps us hanging until the startling end. —Edge Media Network

A laugh and a murder, done in the style we have all come to love….This had me from the first paragraph….Another wonderful story with characters you know and love! —Crystals Many Reviewers

These two are so entertaining….Their tactics in finding clues and the crazy funny interactions between characters keeps the pages turning. For most of the book if I wasn't laughing I was grinning. —Jo and Isa Love Books

Superb fun from start to finish, for me this series gets stronger with every book and that’s saying something because the benchmark was set so very high with book 1. —Three Books Over the Rainbow

The Nicky and Noah Mysteries series are perfect for fans of the Cozy Mystery sub-genre. They mix tongue-in-cheek humor, over-the-top characters, a wee bit of political commentary, and suspense into a sweet little mystery solved by Nicky and Noah, theatre professors for whom all the world’s a stage. —Prism Book Alliance

This is one hilarious series with a heart and it just keeps getting better. I highly recommend them all, and please read them in the order they were written for full blown laugh out loud reading pleasure! —Scattered Thoughts and Rogue Words

Books by Joe Cosentino

The Nicky and Noah Comedy Mystery Series:

Drama Queen

Drama Muscle

Drama Cruise

Drama Luau

Drama Detective

Drama Fraternity

Drama Castle (coming soon)

Drama Dance (coming soon)

The Cozzi Cove series (NineStar Press):

Cozzi Cove: Bouncing Back

Cozzi Cove: Moving Forward

Cozzi Cove: Stepping Out

Cozzi Cove: New Beginnings

The Dreamspinner Press novellas:

In My Heart: An Infatuation & A Shooting Star

The Naked Prince and Other Tales from Fairyland

Bobby and Paolo Holiday Stories: A Home for the Holidays and The Perfect Gift

The Jana Lane Mysteries:

Paper Doll

Porcelain Doll (The Wild Rose Press)

Satin Doll (The Wild Rose Press)

China Doll (The Wild Rose Press)

Rag Doll (The Wild Rose Press)

Drama

Luau

A Nicky and Noah Mystery

Joe Cosentino

Copyright (C) 2017 Joe Cosentino

Print ISBN-13: 978-1544240435

Print ISBN-10: 1544240430

Smashwords Edition

First Edition, 2017

This is a work of fiction. All characters, places and events are from the author's very vivid imagination and should not be confused with fact. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, events or places is purely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form, whether by printing, photocopying, scanning or otherwise without the written permission of the author.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

The content of this book is not meant to diagnose, treat, or prevent any illness or condition. This novel is for mature readers.

Cover Art and Design

by Holly McCabe

Editing and Interior Design

by Fred Wolinsky

DEDICATION

To Fred for everything, to the readers who begged for another Nicky and Noah mystery, and to everyone who loves Hawaii and enjoys a good lei.

Cast of Characters

Staff at Treemeadow College:

Nicky Abbondanza

Associate Professor of Directing

Noah Oliver

Assistant Professor of Acting

Martin Anderson

Theatre Department Head/Professor of Theatre Management

Ruben Markinson

Martin's husband

The Family:

Valentina and Giacomo Abbondanza

Nicky's Parents

Bonnie and Scott Oliver

Noah's Parents

Tony Abbondanza

Nicky's Brother

Law Enforcement:

Detective John Nohea

Detective Kekeo Kama

Staff at the Maui Mist Resort:

Mano Kapena

Owner

Senator Joanna Kapena

Mano's wife

Walter Barrett

Manager

Lani Palakiko

Housekeeping

Taavi Kapule

Lani's grandson

Mark Iona

Wait Staff

Akela Keawe

Wait Staff

Chef Keahilani

Chef

Jokua Kalani (Kal)

Lead Hula Dancer

Akamu Kawaii (Ak)

Dance Captain

Keanu Hale

Dancer Helper

Kimu Kapule

Hula Dancer

Ahe Mahai

Hula Dancer

We'll Never Tell:

Haikili

God of Thunder

Morton Megasuites

Hotel Tycoon

Fabian Valentine

Reality TV Show Producer

Rich Greenbacks

Super PAC Lobbyist

CHAPTER ONE

The olive-skinned, barefooted muscular men wore loincloths (malo), coconut necklaces, shell bracelets and anklets, and flower (lei) head garlands. With the powerful emerald mountain behind them, the dancers (`olapa) aerobically executed hand signs, knee sways, and foot stomps toward the turquoise sea (makai), as their deep, full voices chanted to the goddess of the ocean (Namakaokahai). The lead dancer (alakai) and the dance captain (kumu) moved front and center executing their tree in the breeze hand gestures. The dancer helper (kokua) made gestures to the ocean waves behind them.

Stop!

The `ukulele, steel guitar, and bass accompaniment ended. The dancers slouched and looked toward the rows of tables and chairs facing them.

Kimu, stand further upstage.

Nicky, they don't know what upstage and downstage mean.

"Thanks, Noah. Kimu, stand behind the other dancers, so Kal and Ak are the focus of the dance."

That was me, Nicky Abbondanza, Associate Professor of Directing at Treemeadow College, an Edwardian style private college in the quaint state of Vermont. My husband and the love of my life, Assistant Professor of Acting at Treemeadow, Noah Oliver, is by my side, right where I like him. Why am I directing a luau show at the Maui Mist Resort in Hawaii? Our honeymoon in Maui was a gift from our parents. But when the customers of my parents' bakery in Kansas became glucose intolerant, and the clientele of Noah's parents' dairy farm in Wisconsin found themselves lactose intolerant, Noah and I were left tolerating the bill. So my department head and his husband hit the internet and found this luau show directing job, which came with free airfare, hotel, and food for two. Enticed by the gorgeous tropical location and the gorgeous luau dancers, Martin Anderson, Professor of Theatre Management at Treemeadow College, and Ruben Markinson, director of one of the top gay rights organizations in the country, decided to tag along and keep us out of trouble. Since Martin and Ruben are our best friends, that was more than fine with Noah and me.

Since you can't see us, I am thirty-six, tall, with dark hair, green eyes, a Roman nose, cleft chin and long sideburns. Thanks to the gym at Treemeadow College (named after Tree and Meadow, the gay couple who founded it), I am pretty muscular. One minor thing. Actually, it's pretty major. I have a nine and-a-quarter by two-inch penis, which causes Noah to tell everyone we are going clubbing when we have sex.

Noah is handsome with wavy blond hair, crystal-blue eyes, porcelain skin, and hotter and sweeter buns than any found in my dad's bakery. Martin is short, thin, and bald. As an incredible gossip, he resembles an alien looking for a good piece of news to bring back to his home planet. Ruben is tall, thin, distinguished-looking, with salt and pepper hair and two large eyes watching over Martin. Though Ruben would never admit it, like his husband, Ruben revels in the dish too.

I said to the dancers, The opening (ho'i) number will be fine. Let's move on.

Whereas the first dance was an introduction to the dancers, the second number, in honor of the creation gods (Kane and Lono), is a sensual dance, where the muscular dancers get to flex, grunt, and gyrate.

Sitting next to me at the front table opposite the stage, Noah rested a hand on my knee. Did my character work with the dancers pay off?

I nodded. They all seem like characters to me.

Noah squeezed my hand as the five dancers came on stage, now wearing grass skirts. Kal (short for Kalani), at twenty-five, is tall, strikingly handsome, muscular, the leader of the pack, and he knows it. Ak (Akamu), at thirty-five, was once the stallion of the troupe, but a receded hairline and wrinkles had transformed Ak to dance captain. As leaders, Kal and Ak take focus in the dance numbers, either dancing downstage center or up center on the platform in the shape of a volcano. Pretty ironic since Kal and Ak are ex-lovers and ex-friends.

Current lovers Keanu (dancer helper), at medium height with a growing paunch, and Ahe, young, small, and cute as a button, took their places midstage and looked at each other adoringly.

Finally, Kimu, at medium height with a bull dog face and protruding belly, stood farthest upstage. The only straight member of the troupe, Kimu, said, Are you girls ready to dance?

Keanu left his lover, Ahe, and approached Kimu. What a surprise, Kimu. Liquor on your breath.

Leader Kal added, Yeah, Kimu, during the last number you were wavering more than the palm trees near the stage fan.

Kimu answered, Hey Kal, is it true that you gave Keanu a pity lei?

These guys are worse than the divas I work with in the theatre. Can we please start the number?

The lighting designer shifted lights from yellows and oranges to blues and reds as the dancers grunted, groaned, and thrusted through the next number with their thigh muscles bulging between the layers of grass. The rest of the numbers came off fine, despite the dagger eyes between straight dancer, Kimu, and the others, and Kimu sneaking sips from a flask hidden in his grass skirt.

Please take your places for the closing (kai) number, I said.

Noah crossed his fingers, which I couldn't help kissing.

The finale is a spectacle, where the dancers wave, twirl, and throw clubs of fire, as they dance in red G-strings in front of the fake erupting volcano onstage. Okay, G-strings are not part of Hawaiian history, but Walter Barrett, the sixty-year-old, overweight, straight, widowed manager of the Maui Mist Resort, hoped it would bring in the straight women and gay men. So with the hula dancers' pecs and buns on display like ripe melons, the men waved their wands—of fire—in homage to the goddess of fire (Pele).

The dancers enjoyed performing the number, since each of them got a few moments center stage for a solo routine. Leader Kal was flawless, strength and technique personified. Dance captain Ak was a bit over the hill but still impressive with his wild leaps. Sweet little Ahe had a bit of trouble keeping up his flame, but his lover Keanu helped him. Finally, straight dancer Kimu staggered to the center, threw his pole in the air, doddered in place, and landed flat on his back with the fire pole inches away from his naked torso.

Is Kimu all right? I called up to the stage.

Noah was already there, leaning over Kimu. He's fine, Nicky.

Leader Kal giggled. I hope the people sitting in the front tables don't mind looking at a beached whale on the stage floor.

Kiss my ass, faggot, Kimu said, rising on shaky but still strong tree trunk legs.

I'll pass, Kimu.

Kimu laughed. I'll bet that's the first time you've ever said that to a man, Kal.

Sensing another volcanic eruption between the performers onstage, I quickly gave the dancers and lighting technician my notes (including a note to Kimu to stay off the teriyaki sauce), thanked everyone for a good, if nerve-rattling, dress rehearsal. Then I told everyone to get some rest and pulled Noah off the stage before he began reciting Hamlet's soliloquy—accent on the ham.

Walking away from the outdoor stage, Noah and I headed on the path lined with huge, exotic multicolored flowers over the tiny bridge and past the waterfall toward the resort's private beach. A typical two-minute Hawaiian rain shower was followed by a rainbow (the gods' gay genius). In our Hawaiian shirts and white shorts, the brief rain shower felt cool and quenching. When we reached the white sandy beach, we stood at the water's edge enveloped in the mist off the foamy water tickling the rocks. I put my arm around Noah's delectable shoulders and looked out at the cerulean sky meeting the turquoise sea. Are you enjoying our honeymoon in Maui?

Noah rested his head on my shoulder. Anywhere with you is a honeymoon for me.

I know this week of rehearsals has been grueling, but after the luau show opens tomorrow night, we'll have the last week all to ourselves.

There you are!

Martin, can't you see the honeymooners want a little time for themselves.

My department head and best friend, Martin, and his spouse, Ruben, stood next to us. Since the sun hadn't gone down, they were clad in neck-to-toe white terrycloth robes with huge cherry-colored beach hats on their heads, giving them the appearance of human ice cream cones.

You don't want to be alone, do you guys? Martin asked with a hand on his hip.

Ruben raised his eyes to the Hawaiian heavens.

We always love seeing you. Noah's warm heart was always on display. Another reason he's the only man for me.

Martin asked Noah, Do you think I put on enough suntan lotion? I don't want to get a burn.

Ruben groaned. In our get-ups, we wouldn't get burned if the conservatives in Congress had their way and the earth's ozone completely disappeared.

Martin shooed away his husband and then turned to me like a camel finding the Pacific Ocean. So?

So what? I asked.

How was the dress rehearsal? Martin licked his lips like a cat on a fishing boat.

I knew Martin's real interest. I'll tell you all the dirt on the dancers at dinner.

Martin grinned like a drug addict facing a generous dealer. Thanks, Nicky. It will give me something to live for.

At Martin's age, he needs all the help he can get. Ruben said with a kiss to Martin's sagging cheek.

I couldn't resist. "How old are you, Martin?"

Ruben spoke up before Martin could answer. Do you know when the island of Maui was formed by lava and sea? Martin was born about that time.

You are two years older than me, Ruben, Martin said.

Which he never lets me forget, Ruben said with a sigh.

Martin playfully slapped his husband's backside, and we all walked back to the hotel.

The enormous structure housed four restaurants, a spa, a library, a media room, three sitting rooms, four ballrooms, and three hundred guest rooms and suites, many with balconies (lanais) facing the sea and surrounding mountains. We entered the vast reception area with white marble floors and walls. Standing under the gigantic crystal chandelier, we made plans to meet Martin and Ruben at the Maui Mist's Mahi-Mahi (try saying that three times fast) restaurant. As Noah and I headed for the elevator banks, Walter Barrett's obese body blocked our path. Scratching at the comb-over on his head, the hotel manager waved his unlit cigar at us. Is the show ready for opening, Abbondanza?

Ready.

Noah echoed. And terrific.

Good. The lines on Walter's forehead looked like an overzealous connect-the-dots game. We're sold out for the luau opening tomorrow night.

I smiled, leaning away from his sour breath. Your guests won't be disappointed.

Walter grimaced. The other dancers told me Kimu was staggering around the stage like a hit bowling pin.

I thought they were dancers not gossip columnists.

As usual Noah smoothed the rough waters. Thank you for your concern, Walter, but Kimu will be fine. Noah flashed his pearly whites. Will you be at the opening, Walter?

Sure. He rubbed the spider veins on his bulbous nose. The luau show is part of the island's history!

I'm sure ancient Hawaiians dressed in G-strings and danced for hundreds of people who had just stuffed themselves with an elaborate feast.

Before I could respond, Noah took my arm. Great. We'll see you tomorrow night, Walter.

When we arrived in our honeymoon suite, loaded with white wicker and flower-patterned fabric coverings, Noah and I shared a kiss that started in the living room on the heart-shaped loveseat, moved to lanai over the ocean, and ended in the bedroom on the canopied four-poster.

Nicky, we'll be late for dinner.

It's our honeymoon.

All right, gentle readers, for those of you who like your books chaste, skip to the next section. For you readers who enjoy a healthy dose of erotica, you're probably better off taking a break and watching an adult film. For my friends who like a bit of sweet romance in their stories, read on.

I