Overheard Cubed
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About this ebook
People in cubicles and open offices long for privacy. Overheard Cubed is a chronicling of conversations, epitaphs, narratives and tales eavesdropped, overheard or simply told to me in my workplace, over the period of three enchanting years. I think you will find the things people say, when the believe they are not being overheard, as hilarious and outrageous as I did when I overheard them. Overheard Cubed makes a great bathroom companion. Cheers! and Enjoy!
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Overheard Cubed - Michael Cornwall
COPYRIGHT © 2016 Michael Cornwall. All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise, except as permitted under Sections 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of Michael Cornwall.
ISBN-13: 9781386979487
Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the author has used his best efforts in preparing this book, he makes no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaims any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. The author shall not be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.
INTRODUCTION
People in cubicles and open offices long for privacy and probably get less work done. That this is surprising at all speaks to the current trendiness of open layouts. Overheard Cubed is a chronicling of conversations, epitaphs, narratives and tales eavesdropped, overheard or simply told to me as we go about making a living in our workplace.
OVERHEARD CUBED
OVERHEARD CUBED: I was sitting in my cube, listening to one of my coworkers in a nearby cube having coffee with a friend. The guy was speaking, and what he was saying was so full of life and culture that I had to get it all down, verbatim. (I can type, pretty much, as fast as a person speaks – unless they are from New York).
Each time he spoke, I tapped his words into my keyboard. Whenever he stopped, I paused my tapping. Before long, his speaking was in perfect harmony with my typing – and his pauses were synchronized with my pauses.
I think he caught on.
He whispered, No, I'm serious,
(tap tap tap). He whispered, See!
(tap) Watch!
(tap tap). Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
(tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap).
I think you're right,
the woman said.
I know I am,
he said (tap tap tap tap).
OVERHEARD CUBED: "Well, honey, I remember this one year, I had just the prettiest Christmas tree you ever did see. I put it up and it was so lovely, all decorated with lights and all that garland and popcorn. I had some Gummy Bears and some gift certificates on there, too.
I was all alone that night when I finished it up. Don was out of town, so I got into my pajamas and made myself a nice hot toddy and sat down on the couch to look at it.
To take it all in.
Goodness, it was so pretty.
It was probably the best looking tree I ever done up.
I turned off all the living room lights, to get the full effect of it, and boy was I enjoying it. I had on a Bing Cosby or Perry Como record. White Christmas or something. Well, wouldn't you know it; all of a sudden I noticed it was starting to lean to one side. I thought I was imagining it, so I just squeezed my eyes together, to focus on it. Then I noticed it moved a little more, and then some more. And all of a sudden, right in the middle of me singing along with the record, it fell right over and landed on the floor.
The lights blew out.
I put my hot toddy down on the coffee table, but it was dark and I missed the table. When I stood up, I slipped on the toddy and landed my knee on one of them Christmas bulbs. The glass went right into my kneecap. Well I had to limp over there to where the lamp was and I stepped on another one of them bulbs. The glass went right into my big toe. When I was trying to get the glass out, I lost my balance and fell backwards right smack on top of that pretty Christmas tree. I got myself up and I dragged myself over to where the lamp was and I turned it on. There was blood everywhere. The goddamn living room looked like a war zone.
That tree was all smashed in. I had to pull it out to the side of the road for the trash man to take away. Anyway, make a long story short; make sure you nail your tree to the wall. You never know what's coming around the corner to scare the life right outta you."
OVERHEARD CUBED: Well, we got married in the nude . . .
(I didn’t stick around to hear the rest.)
OVERHEARD CUBED: So, why do you think your neighbors would call social services and report you for child abuse?
They're jealous of my suit case.
Your suitcase?
Yeah, I got a suit case down at the courthouse and they're just jealous of it.
I'm sorry. I'm not following.
I got a suit case. Ain't you ever heard of a suit case? From a car wreck. I could get $5,000.00 for my neck. Now they're just jealous.
Oh, I get it. You have a lawsuit.
"No, honey,