Strong in the Storm

By Mutea Rukwaru

The book covers the following:

• Anatomy of extramarital affairs.
• History of extramarital affairs.
• Tell-tale signs one's spouse is cheating.
• Types of extramarital affairs.
• Why infidelity is on the increase.
• Religion and infidelity.
• Effects of extramarital affairs.
• Sexual perversions - deviation and abnormality.
• Recovery from an affair.
• Counselling and marriage.
• Marriage enrichment

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mutea Rukwaru
• Release date: Jun 22, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370212637

Mutea Rukwaru

Mutea Rukwaru is an accomplished author of international reputation.He is an author of 17 bestselling books. He has written widely in the areas of research and family. He has wide knowledge in world of practice having been in the Department of Social Development for 33 years and also being in the world of academia, that is Universities and Kenya Schools of Government.Some of the top selling books include:Anatomy of CrimeFinancial Success Every Family's DreamEducation at CrossroadTraining at its bestMilestones of lifeHow to be a better CounselorThe winning familyThe Tie that bindsHappy though marriedFundamentals of social researchWhat happy couples knowSuccessful time managementStatistics can be funStrong in the stormSnapshot view of Social ResearchSocial Research Methods a complete guidePowerful Proposal, Powerful PresentationUpcoming titles being published by Eureka publishers are: Limits of Medicine, Dreams of my Motherland and A Place to feel at HomeMutea Rukwaru holds a Masters of Arts in Sociology (Counseling) and a Bachelor of Arts (Sociology), Upper Second class honors from Nairobi University

Book preview

STRONG

IN THE STORM

ISBN: 978-9966-1895-0-9

Other Books by Mutea Rukwaru

(In order of years of publication)

Happy though married (2003)

The Tie that Binds (2005)

Successful Time Management, the Challenge for the Modern Manager (2006)

What Happy Couples Know (2006 a)

Fundamentals of Social Research (2007)

Milestones of Life (2007 a)

How to be a Better Counsellor (2007 b)

Anatomy of Crime (2008)

Winning Family (2008 a)

Financial Success Every Family’s Dream (2008 b)

Education at Cross roads (2009)

Training at its Best (2010)

Social Research Methods: A Complete Guide (2015)

Powerful Proposal Powerful Presentation (2015a)

Statistics can be Fun (2016)

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ISBN: 978-9966-1895-0-9

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all my clients and professional colleagues who shared their innermost thoughts, feelings and desires with me. They were my greatest teachers.

Introduction

Marriage is one of the oldest institutions in the world. It is an institution bedeviled with a lot of challenges. It is ironical that you are given a marriage certificate without having graduated. You don’t even graduate in the college of marriage. There are no leaves, half terms or holidays. Marriage is a relationship and all relationships have disagreements. How successful relationships are has a lot to do with how those disagreements are handled. Most of the problems encountered in marriage is due to the fantasy we have about marriage life.

From the moment Romeo sets his eyes on Juliet to the fairy-tale climax when Cinderella captures her prince, young people are taught that falling in love is the one and only essential requirement for marriage. If you wish to make your marriage work, then the love between you can’t simply be based on feelings. That’s because feelings change like moods. If romance were the sole factor determining the duration of a union, most marriages would end in less than a year. Love must be both a feeling and a decision.

Most marital relationships are weakened by the issues of sex, money, identity and extended family members. In today’s world time is becoming elusive. Remember a time a husband and wife devote to one another determines the quality of their relationship. The stresses of life whether they are financial, parental, family related or work related can negatively impact on marriage and lead to unnecessary arguments. Spouses who don’t prioritize their time together get caught in the trap of drifting away from one another due to the pressures of life. As time goes on and children get older and jobs become demanding you may not realize that your needs are changing and you dread change. With time you will find that by investing in your marriage and spending time with one another, you will limit the number of disagreements you have. Your sexual life will improve and you are less likely to be involved in extramarital affairs.

The quality of your marriage is the single most important factor in raising healthy, well-adjusted children. Husbands and wives who love and respect each other raise children who have healthy values, self-esteem and good relationship skills. Wives should not neglect their husbands. Remember your husband was there before your children were born and he’ll be there long after your children have moved on in life. If you show contempt toward your husband, your daughter will treat her husband that way and your son will expect his wife to have contempt for him. Your husband needs to occupy the number one spot in your heart. You cannot place your children or extended family ahead of him in your heart. If you don’t put him first, not only will that injure him, but it will destroy your relationship and eventually make him run away and this will harm the lives of your children. Oftentimes men feel like they only get their wife’s attention after everyone else the kids, the pets and the women have had their needs met. He gets what’s left over after everyone else is taken care off.

It is also important to note that happily married spouses are satisfied with their sexual relationships. A spouse who makes you feel important, who is kind, gentle, exciting and good with children and who is sexually satisfying and prone to sexual experimentation most powerfully influences your marital satisfaction. You can add zest to your love life by enhancing appeal as a spouse by having more intimate conversations and by showing more consideration and non sexual affection. Then add some novelty and creativity to your lovemaking. Sex is so critical in marriage and any relationship at marriage level devoid of it is at risk. Sex can heal illnesses and alleviate depression. From a man’s perspective, there are not many things more important than sex. Sex not only fulfils a physical need in men and women but it also fulfils a psychological need. In reference to men sex heals a man the same way food, sleep and medicine can heal an injured sick body. Men are intensely physical and so the physical act of sex plays a big role in their lives. Women enjoy sex nearly as much as men do-they just don’t obsess it quite as much. It is of interest to note that if a man’s wife is not interested in him physically for whatever reason, of which probably it isn’t necessarily her fault, and some young girls come along who shows an interest in him as a man, many men are easily swayed into having these needs fulfilled. Some of it may be due to ego, but much of that need involves the fact that a man cannot feel truly loved if he is not having his physical needs met. When both men and women are satisfied sexually they will all be having satisfied marriage lives.

Sex is such a great power in the world. But it is women who have tremendous sexual power. What does this power look like? What are the dynamics of sex? Why do spouses stray? Is it a matter of life and death? What are the complex reasons behind extramarital sex? Is sex so critical that without proper handling families will degenerate to the primordial times where "sexual punalua (sexual communism) was the practice? Take an exciting walk through strong in the storm" to find answers to this life’s maze. When you unearth the mystery of this labyrinth, then you will be in a position to advice colleagues, friends and those in the byways of orchestra of life how to paddle this tricky canoe. In a nutshell, a husband and wife should sail the seas of life in the same boat, rowing together, trimming the sails together and making sure the whole operation runs smoothly together, but ironically many spouses are actually in two different boats. Yet the two won’t truly become one until they do get into the same boat.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Other Books by Mutea Rukwaru

Dedication

Introduction

CHAPTER ONE: DEFINITION OF INFIDELITY

History of extramarital affairs

Why is infidelity on increase?

CHAPTER TWO: EFFECTS OF EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS

Communication breakdown

Damage to self esteem

The Cheater

Effect on the children

CHAPTER THREE: TELL-TALE SIGNS ONE’S SPOUSE IS CHEATING

Signs of an Emotional Affair

CHAPTER FOUR: ANATOMY OF EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS

Sexual Dysfunction

Importance of Sexology

Male and Female Sexual Response Cycle.

Sexual disorders in both men and women

Sexual history review and treatment strategies

Paraphilic Disorders

Abnormal sexual behaviour

Family and couples therapy

Support groups and self help groups

Religion and infidelity

Sigmund Freud theory

Attachment model

Self – expansion Model

Sociological factors associated with infidelity

Monogamy model

Communication and Infidelity

Knapps Relational Development Model

Cultural Role Scripts

CHAPTER FIVE: RECOVERY FROM AN AFFAIR

Process of forgiving

Benefits of forgiveness

Barriers to forgiveness and how to overcome them

Trust after an affair

Build Safeguards into your life

Relationship Counselling

Relationship Issues

Basic Principles of a relationship counsellor or couple’s therapist

Addressing the Impact of an affair

CHAPTER SIX: MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT

What is a Health Marriage?

Communication styles

CHAPTER SEVEN: COUNSELLING AND MARRIAGE

Types of relationship counselling

Gottman Method for healthy relationships

Common relationship problems explored

REFERENCES

CHAPTER ONE

DEFINITION OF INFIDELITY

Over the years, the society has developed some euphemisms concerning adultery and the main reason is because there is a feeling that infidelity is guilt free and hurts no one. The following are the euphemisms:

Fooling around.

Sleeping around.

Flings.

affairs

Alliances.

Extramarital affairs.

Cheating.

Infidelity is a violation of a couple’s assumed or stated contract regarding emotions (See Wikipedia – wiki-infidelity). Infidelity is breaking a promise, a promise to remain faithful to a sexual partner. That promise can take many forms: from marriage, vows sanctified by the state to privately uttered verbal agreements between lovers. As unthinkable as the notion of breaking such bonds may be, infidelity is common (See infidelity/psychology today)

Infidelity can also be defined as a voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse (See Rukwaru (2005) and the Book of Ezekiel 16:32). Infidelity or extramarital affairs can also be emotional. An emotional affairs is an affair between two people that mimics the closeness and intimacy of an affair while never being physically consummated. An emotional affair is often colloquially referred to as an "affair of the heart".

The partner being emotionally unfaithful has the following characteristics:

Spending inappropriate or excessive time with someone of the opposite or same sex.

He or she is the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing you think about before you fall asleep. And pretty much all the times in between. If he is/ she dominating your thoughts, you’re crushing plain and simple.

He/she is the first one you want to share good news with. You’re thinking about him or her a lot.

There are more text exchanges between the two of you than between you and your husband, your mom, and your two best friends combined.

You blow off others for him may be you don’t think there’s a problem because you don’t blow off your spouse for him or her, but if you’re cancelling on other friends to hang with him or her, you’re probably too close.

You start wishing your partner were more like him or her- sure, your wife or hubby has a lot of great qualities, but wouldn’t it be great if he were more punctual, or a better dresser, or like the same movies you did. Comparing your husband or wife to someone else is never a good idea.

You plan what you’re going to wear/say/ do around him/her- you want to impress him/her with wit, style, intellect, and charm. You find it matters more what he or she thinks of you than what others do.

He just gets you- you just connect on a level that you don’t with anyone else.

You share secret, with your friend than your spouse.

You long for, and look forward to, your next contact or conversation.

You start changing your normal routine or duties to spend time with him or her.

You feel the need to keep conversations or activities involving him or her secret from your spouse.

You fantasize about spending time with, getting to know or sharing a life with him or her

You spend significant time alone with him or her.

(See American Association for Family Therapy)

To summarize the definition of infidelity or extramarital affairs it is important to note that during the 16 century infidelity was taken to mean disloyalty to a sovereign, to a lover or spouse. It comes from the French term "Infidelite or from Latin term Infidelitatem" which means:

Unfaithfulness.

Act of having a romantic relationship with someone other than one’s husband or wife or partner.

Lack of fidelity or loyalty.

Breach of trust.

Disloyalty.

Adultery.

Another term for infidelity is adultery which means sexual intercourse between two people one or both of whom is married to somebody else. So it includes "one night stands, long term affairs or emotional infidelity. Adultery is a word originating from the Latin verb adulterare" which means to corrupt. So the word infidelity and adultery or extramarital affairs can be used interchangeably. (See www. Inet doctor. Co. uk/healthy living/a2269/adultery-legal aspects and medical-and psychological consequences, www the free dictionary.com/infidelity, dictionary reference.com/browse/infidelity).

History of extramarital affairs

From a psychological point of view there is no question that infidelity is attractive to many people despite long-standing religious prohibitions against it. Many men and women are enormously attracted by the idea of adulterous sex and love reading about it or watching films about it. Vast numbers of novels have been written about it. George Bernard Shaw once complained that London West End audiences thought that a play was not a play at all, if it did not deal with adultery. Why is this fascination? This is because most people are fascinated by "forbidden things and pleasure we can’t easily have. Also there is the irrational attraction expressed in the phrase. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Fidelity may be the foundation of wedlock in most cultures, but down through the centuries, the institution of marriage has accommodated or condemned straying spouses to wildly varying degrees. Biblical injunction informed many of the early laws of puritan societies and based it on Thou shalt not commit adultery with a married person and if it happens the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death" When it comes to relationships, infidelity is a fear that nearly everyone has, and a monster that nearly everyone is forced to face. Today that monster has the power to not only destroy your relationships, but to rub you off your entire sense of self. Adultery has existed since the days of Adam and Eve (Genesis 3). Humans are not instinctually monogamous beings. As species we don’t rely on mating with the opposite sex for individual survival. Statistically speaking, this may explain why men cheat primarily in pursuit of sex. They feel an instinctual need to "spread their seed" as a demonstration of dominance, that perhaps no amount of moral training or socialization can curb. When it comes to women, many cheat in search of a new, invigorating emotional connection.

It is important to note that historically men literally had the right to cheat and to sexually exploit women. At gender level adultery is taken to be more serious for women and not men. The double standard is as old as adultery itself. Modern society is caught up in a tug- of-war between new feminist ideals and traditional gender roles. In the past marriage used to be an economic enterprise whereby you used to marry many women to till your shamba or shambas but today it is a romantic arrangement. Now our spouses are encountering multiple roles and multiple strains. The marking scheme of our spouse are enormous. We expect them to be:

Your greatest lover.

Your best friend.

Your best parent.

Your trusted confidant.

Your emotional companion.

Your intellectual equal.

Your bumper zone for life’s woes.

Being in a relationship today comes with the notion that I’m indispensable, I’m irreplaceable, I have the marriage certificate, I am answerable to no one, and infidelity tells me I am not. It is the ultimate betrayal. It shatters the utopia world of love and they rode with prince charming in the sunset forever and forever"

Infidelity is a breach of trust that signifies - lack of faithfulness to a moral obligation to one’s partner. Infidelity usually means sexual infidelity. Some people particularly women, regard an intense emotional relationship as an unfaithful extramarital involvement, even when there is no physical component. In short, infidelity is feelings or behaviours that go against a partner’s expectations for the exclusivity of the relationship. Some couples are comfortable with having relationships outside their union. Some couples may join exclusive sexual clubs where they decide to share their partners in order to fight boredom which come when spouses get familiar with each other.

These liaisons someone may argue that they don’t constitute infidelity because the couples have agreed. But this is debatable. They argue that since they don’t violate the couples shared understandings about discretion, partner choice and sexual conduct-understandings that are designed to protect their relationships from disruption. But the question is what about the vows you took? Your partner at the spur of moment will not change the status because you have agreed. Marriage rituals are elaborate and very clear and it is done in full glare of the public and so the change of status is not done in a private club.

It is important to note that monogamy is only part of the human reproductive strategy but infidelity nevertheless is widespread (See Fisher 1992). Studies of American couples indicate that 20% - 40% of heterosexual married men and 20%-25% of heterosexual married women will have an extramarital affair during their lifetime (See Tafoya and Spitzberg, 2007). In a certain survey of single American men and women, 60% of men and 53% of women admitted to "mate poaching" that is trying to woo an individual away from a committed relationship to begin a relationship with them instead (See Schmitt and Buss, 2001). Mate poaching is also common in 30 other cultures studies by Schmitt and Buss. Infidelity was also widespread in former decades. In the late 1940’s and early 1950’s approximately 33% of men and 26% of women in an American sample were adulterous (See Kinsey et al 1948, Kinsey et at 1953). Data in the 1970’s indicated that some 41% of men and 25% of women reported infidelity (See Hunt 1974).

Infidelity was also common among the classical Greeks and Romans, among the pre-industrial Europeans, among the historical Japanese, Chinese and Hindus and among the traditional Inuit of the arctic, Kuikuru of the jungles of Brazil, Kofyar of Nigeria. Turu of Tanzania and many other tribal societies (See Fisher 1992).

Njiro (1991) Noted through a study of 104 cases of those who were seeking divorce through the High court in Nairobi, that adultery was number three killer of Kenyan Marriages. Gichinga (2001) on a study based on 135 clinical cases involving marriages in Kenya showed that 13 to 15% of marital problems were related to infidelity. Infidelity was number five cause of marital stress among Kenyan couples.

Why is infidelity on increase?

In the 21st century infidelity has greatly increased but the question which lingers is why this upsurge? There are various reasons for the probable increase in infidelity in recent decades.

Permissive sexual values

In a number of societies, casual sexual liaisons outside marriage are widely accepted both for men and for women. The less tolerant attitudes in Western nations may be traced to Christian teachings on marriage and sexuality. Permissive sexual values reflect liberal religious and political ideologies. Men are more permissive than women. People with more schooling are more tolerant of extramarital sex because of loose kinship bonds and anonymity in urban areas. People with permissive sexual values are more likely to have adulterous relationships.

Contraceptives

The availability of almost 100% effective contraception has made it less risky for people to have a fling. The man who has had vasectomy or the women who has been sterilized may well feel to "play the field". Without doubt the pill gave many women a chance to try a little alliance (playful flirtation, amorous play, sexual relationship, not serious but often illicit)

A lot of travelling

People travel much more in their work and it is common for someone to decide that trip to London, New York or Paris provides the justification for a night of passion. With women empowerment an opportunity of more travel, more late nights on the job and more interaction with men which means the chances and temptations to stray have multiplied for the new generation of working women.

Social networks

Social networks are clearly another factor which expands the pool of possibility. Emotional friendships that turn physical are the traditional point of entry for female affairs. Now, it is very easy for those friendships to take root online.

Women empowerment

From the World Women conferences in Mexico in 1975, Copenhagen in 1980, Nairobi in 1985 which came up with Nairobi Forward Looking Strategies and Beijing in 1995 which came up with Beijing Platform of Action, all addressed issues of women in the area of politics, economics, education, environment, media, health, decision making and violence. These international conferences empowered women and their democratic space has been widened. In Kenya the constitution (2010) came up with the Affirmative Action whereby the issue of one third rule was to be effected. Affirmative action is a deliberate move to address an omission or commission which might have been occasioned by history, culture, geography or otherwise. But it has a time aspect. If the problem is addressed then affirmative action stops.

Women now have more power. Infidelity is also a matter of power and this creates both confidence and personal leverage for both genders. Women now can use their power in the extracurricular ways that men have used theirs. Women now want or need personal space. Some want regular nights out with friends, what they usually call "ladies night". Women are now portrayed in the television as eager participants and aggressive instigators and this leads to a feeling that everybody is having fun