The Big Book of Bravery for the Cancer Survivor: The Big Book of Bravery, #1

By Caraleigh Carter

Doctors are good at healing our physical bodies of cancer but the emotional and spiritual side is so often left to patients to figure out for themselves. This book is a collection of all the thoughts and philosophies that helped me to traverse the stormy sea of a cancer diagnosis. I like to think of it as chemo for the mind and soul. If you are facing a diagnosis or know someone who is, I hope you can take some comfort from the words in this book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bigbookofbravery.com
• Release date: Dec 2, 2017
• ISBN: 9781386318880

Caraleigh Carter

Hi, my name is Cara.  I am a cancer survivor. I was diagnosed with stage 3C Ovarian Cancer in 2005, all of one year into my marriage. I always describe it as an 'edge of life' moment. My life was completely turned on it's head and I was suddenly thrown into a world of surgery, chemo, port-a-caths and fear. The initial stages were daunting but what I didn't realise at the time was that I was also in the starting blocks of the greatest learning of my life. Through this cancer journey I have learned about love, health, healing, bravery and finding inner peace. I have learned how to see the good in the bad and to stay steady on the inside- no matter what may be going on, on the outside.  Am I an expert? Hell no! A second diagnosis of early stage breast cancer in 2010 threw a curveball that really knocked me off balance for a while- but at least I had already built up the tools, knowledge and awareness to get through treatment and to pick myself up again.  I am now a wellness-practising woman. I am a work-in-progress always trying to apply what I learned on the cancer journey to all aspects of my life. Through the spreading of what I have learned I hope to maybe make a small difference on someone else's journey and pay forward all the wisdom, courage and love that were given to me on mine.

Book preview

1. Introduction

1.1 Fuck Cancer

Sometimes life throws a bitter pill thrown down your throat. Gag if you must, but the way to get even with the universe is to learn to laugh as you swallow. Cancer hates that.

It’s all just a ride anyway.

1.2 Not Going There

Nobody in their right mind wants cancer. 

A cancer diagnosis is one of the most feared things on this planet.  In fact, a big part of me didn’t want to write this book because of my own fears. Even after 12 years of survivorship, each check-up still scares the hell out of me, and the thought of recurrence still has an icy grip on my heart.

I really don’t want to think about it anymore than I have to. Mostly, I just like to soak up life as much as possible between check-ups and get as far away from the cancer world as I possibly can.

So why am I dwelling on it now?

1.2.1 Bargain with God

A few years ago, while I was still in the ‘bargaining’ phase of my cancer journey, I tried to make a deal with God/The Universe/The Higher Power. I made a promise that if He/She/It let me live for at least another five years that I would write a book about the things that had helped me on my journey.

In my experience, the people who helped me most to cope with the emotional and spiritual aspects of this journey are other patients. Only someone who has actually faced the trials of being a cancer patient can truly know how it feels.

As it turns out, I am now into my twelfth year of survivorship. So I am in breach of my agreement with God. Cancer is a humbling experience and being forced to face my mortality taught me that there are powers far greater than me in this universe. I have therefore made the choice to honour my promise.

1.2.2 Sharing my Life Coaching Journey

The second reason I want to dwell on cancer is because I want to share some of the gifts that I received on my journey.

God /The Universe /The Higher Intelligence works in mysterious ways (I use those terms interchangeably- they all point to the same thing). It must’ve been part of God /The Universe /The Higher Power’s mysterious plan to pair me up in life with a husband who decided to study life coaching exactly at the exact time in my life when I needed the most emotional support that I would ever need. 

The result of this was that as I was going through the mental and physical rigours of cancer treatment I was at the same time receiving ‘mind chemo’ in the form of enlightened thoughts that were being put to me and challenging my thinking.

There was just one slight problem though- my stubborn, sceptical nature.  Truth be told, Ben was far more open to the ideas than I was. To say I was resistant is to put it mildly. I sometimes flat-out insulted Ben and called him horrible names because my mind could not stretch to accommodate some of the radical thoughts that were being put to me. It took a lot of patient encouragement from Ben for me to drop all my old beliefs and open up to seeing life in a different way.

But.

When I finally did allow myself to open my mind, I discovered ways to cope with whatever cancer, or life, could throw at me. In fact, I eventually collected a whole tool-box of ways to cope with my cancer journey.

These tools carried me through a very difficult time of my life. In fact, they still carry me to this day- 12 years after my first diagnosis. In this book, I have brought together all the thoughts and philosophies that gave me peace, comfort and hope through the darkest days of my journey with cancer. I want to spread the light I found to others who are facing this trial.

1.2.3 A Friend in Dark Times

Have you ever faced something challenging in your life, like a tough exam or a relationship break-up, when suddenly someone just pops up and tells you how to deal with it?

At the time I was diagnosed I wished someone like that would come into my life.  I wanted to find someone who had been through this obstacle course and could give me the insider info!

But there was a catch.

I didn’t want to speak to anyone in support groups or other patients. I didn’t want to hear their stories because they frightened me. I didn’t want to get dragged into the whole cancer scene. I just wanted someone who could help me skip the whole process and tell me the shortcuts to survival!

I wanted:

Someone who knew the secret to survival to come and tell me what I should do to survive.

Quick and easy answers so that I could get through this cancer thing and get on with my life.

Someone to come and tell me not to be afraid of the big words that end in ‘arcinoma’ written under the ‘diagnosis’ headings on my doctors letters.

Someone to sit beside me during all those medical tests and tell me that I needn’t be afraid because this was just another part of the journey of my life.

Someone to tell me that I wasn’t a freak because at the age of twenty-five I was injecting myself with drugs to increase my white blood cell count.

Someone who could lift me up during those dark times at 3am when all I could do was fret and fear for my future.

Someone who could help me sustain my courage when I saw the pity in other ‘normal’ people’s eyes.

Someone who could help me to see the funny side and laugh about the ridiculous situations and demands of this disease.

Most of all, I didn’t want to feel so alone. A lot of the time, it felt as if the rest of the world was on the other side of some sort of invisible barrier. Almost as if they were covered in cling wrap. Yes my health team, friends and family helped me loads and gave me words of encouragement, but it didn’t change the fact that they were on the other side. I wanted someone on my side of the cling wrap to show me how to stick two fingers up at this bastard!

But I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Not wanting to speak to other patients really limited my chances of finding a friend who could relate. The fear of seeing a terminally ill person or having to listen to their story was too much to bear for me at the time.

So I turned to books. I read books written by other survivors, and I drew inspiration from celebrities who had overcome cancer. It was a safe way for me to find encouraging, positive stories of survival without the risk of being told anything negative or scary. And that is why I have created this book too.

(Note:  It wasn’t until much later in my journey that I worked up the courage to meet or even speak to people who were going through the same as me. But when I did, I found stories that bolstered my courage hugely.

There is a great-grandmother in Leeds who has survived cancer five times since 1950. She was even read the last rites in 1963 because they thought she wouldn’t make it through the night. Regardless of the odds, she did survive and even went on to celebrate her 100th birthday.

There was a dear neighbour who came round and told me about her aunt who had, like me, been diagnosed with ovarian cancer in her twenties. Yes, she had it years ago, and she’s absolutely fine now, she said, and my heart, courage and happiness soared.

One of my best friends introduced me to her step-father who had survived Lymphoma for some 30 years. He is still alive and well in the depths of Sussex as I write making chutney’s and sloe gin!

My ex-boss told me his wife had been diagnosed with breast cancer eighteen years ago, and she was still fine.

The ladies in my support group who have all had a similar experience to me. Some have passed away, and some have survived, but they all had been where I had been and made me feel less lonely.

Celebrities like Kylie Minogue, Nancy Reagan, Micheal Douglas, Christina Applegate, Lance Armstrong, Sheryl Crow, Sharon Osbourne, Cynthia Nixon, Kathy Bates, Fran Drescher, Tom Green, Robert De Niro, Suzanne Somers, Mr T, Rod Stewart, Cybill Shepherd, Olivia Newton-John, Patrick Swayze Edie Falco and Carly Simon who have all bravely told the public about their battles with this disease.

Undoubtedly hearing the stories from and about other people who have lived long past their ‘you’ve got cancer’ moment gave me much hope, courage and strength. It was amazing to discover that there are people walking the streets right now who have survived this disease 5, 10, 20 even 40 years.

There was also comfort from a totally unexpected source- the people who did not survive the disease.

My friend Kerry, who helped to set up the only support group in London for young ovarian cancer survivors, died from the disease in 2011. Her death was a huge loss for all of us, but I will never forget the comfort I got from Kerry in one of her last text messages to me. She told me that the worse things got, the calmer she was feeling. The news from her doctors had become so bad that she knew there was no more point in fighting. In the end, she passed on in her sleep. It gave me a sense of peace to know that Kerry was peaceful at the time of her passing. She had been such a great example to me, though I miss her dearly.

Then, there was the young kidney-cancer patient that fought his diagnosis all the way but ended up planning his own funeral when he accepted that nothing more could be done.

The amazing film made in the final months of Philip Gould’s life. He showed that both life and death can be embraced wonderfully. In fact, he really demonstrates through his own experience that the only way to transcend anything, including death, is to embrace it totally and utterly.

All these people in their passing shone a light on the dark corner of cancer. They showed me how to live. Right up to the end.

1.2.4 Paying It Forward

So now it is my turn. It is my turn to ‘pass on’ the hope and comfort to you. I hope this book will be a little lamp for you as you travel this journey.

I have been on this journey for some time now. I was diagnosed with stage 3C ovarian cancer in 2005 and again with early-stage breast cancer in 2010.  It has not been easy, and at times, I have felt absolutely overwhelmed with fear. As every cancer patient knows, the thought of recurrence is ever present, and I have never been able to fully trust my body again since that first diagnosis.

The fact is that when you are diagnosed with cancer, you are forced to deal with a situation that is frightening, unpredictable, and ultimately forces you to face your own mortality.  I call it an ‘edge of life’ experience because it takes you to the brink of your  own existence and puts you through a kind of looking glass where everything familiar becomes strange and the world as you know it is completely turned upside down. The emotions and the stakes are both high.

But even when my life was seemingly decimated by an event that was both scary and shocking, I could heal and find inner peace through changing my perspective on it. I would even go so far as to say that in some ways, I see my cancer journey as being something which has broken open my soul and quite ironically taught me how to live.

For anyone who has been placed on this path, I want to let you know that you are not alone. Millions of others have been where you are now and have come through it. It is a difficult and unpredictable journey to travel through, but one thing is guaranteed. All who have been on this journey have found the courage within themselves to face whatever cancer could throw at them.

And so will you.

2. Investigations

2.1 Shining a Light into Dark Corners

You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free. John 8:32

A little parable on the value of getting those biopsies done, finding out the truth and dealing with it:

When we were small kids, my parents used to keep the hallway light on at night because my sister and I were scared of the dark. The light from the hallway would form a big dark shadow behind my bedroom door, and that shadow looked dark and ominous. It was so dark and ominous that I was convinced there was a hooded bogeyman standing behind my door.

My only defence against this bogeyman would be to put my head under the blankets and lie as still as possible. I convinced myself that my bogeyman couldn’t see me and that the blankets would keep me safe. I would lie there for what felt like hours with the blankets over my head and sweat dripping down my back. I couldn’t even get up to go to the loo in case the bogeyman got me. It wasn’t until my bladder was threatening to burst that I would call out for my mom to come and rescue me.

Eventually, one night my mom (who was probably desperate for some sleep) told me that when you turn the lights on in a room, all the ghosts and bogeymen are instantly vanquished. She explained that light and bogeymen could not be in any room at the same time because bogeymen are burned away by light.

This seemed to be a great and logical solution to my problem. There was just one slight issue. In order for me to turn on my bedside lamp, I had to reach my hand out from under my ‘safe’ blanket and find the switch to my bedside lamp. Those moments of looking for that switch were terrifying. I kept imagining that the bogeyman was watching and waiting to grab my hand as I felt in the dark for that switch. It often took a great deal of courage for me to reach out and turn on that light. Sometimes I could not work up the nerve to do it, and I would stay under my blanket all night with a racing heart and sweaty palms. The spectre of the bogeyman was too strong in my mind and fear often paralysed me.

But over time, I learned that when I finally did work up the nerve to reach for that switch, the reward was worth it. Instantly the shadows and phantoms would disappear and I would once again see everything as it really was. The ultimate reward for turning on that light was a good night’s sleep and a calm heart.

I have come to see that it is the same on the cancer journey (or any other scary journey) as it was with that imaginary bogeyman. The fear of the disease and the images that it conjured up in my mind were often far worse than the reality of what I was going through. A test result, as scary as it is to get them, shines the light of the truth on your situation.

Getting your test results is the equivalent of switching on a light in a dark room. Each one showed the doctors the truth of my body. It shone a light for them to see where to operate and what treatment to give. The truth set me free.

2.2 Get It Checked Out

If you have picked up this book because something is physically bothering you, and you are worried it might be cancer, then take my advice—get it sorted out right now. Get on the phone, make an appointment, and get it looked at.

2.3 Anxiety

In my experience, waiting only serves to make me more anxious and worried. When your body is doing strange things that you, as a layperson, don’t understand, your imagination can run away with you. The best thing to do is to face it. The only way to get from where you are now to the other side of the obstacle is to face it. Get the facts of the situation and then deal with them. That is the only way through.

2.4 Dr Web

Yes, nowadays it is possible to research your more embarrassing symptoms from the comfort and privacy of your own home, but be aware that the World Wide Web is no substitute for a doctor’s appointment!

The internet is a great resource for getting some info about your symptom, but we all know that too much information can completely freak you out. Using the internet to diagnose your problem is a bit like reading the entire car manual to find out why your car is making a noise without checking the engine! One symptom can have many different causes so stop reading about all of them and get yours seen to by a real doctor!

2.5 Your Body Is Your Responsibility

Ultimately your body is your responsibility. Be assured that doctors can help with the medical stuff, but it’s up to you to take your health seriously and make the call.

We have all been blessed with a remarkable physical vessel that carries us throughout our lives, and yet, many people will take more care of their homes or cars than they will care for their bodies. Treat your body as you would treat your dearest possession. Take it for the check-up it needs and make sure you check under the hood!

2.6 The Embarrassment Factor

Doesn’t cancer just grow in the dandiest of places? Just how does it find its way up (or down!) there? No matter where the lump or bump is, there is no need to be shy; doctors have seen it all.

I spent a fair amount of my cancer journey in highly embarrassing and awkward positions because I was lucky enough to be blessed with a gynaecological cancer. At first, it was horrible to have so many investigations of my most intimate areas, but after a while, dropping my trousers or raising my skirt just became a part of who I was. I once even lifted up my bedclothes when the cleaner came into my hospital room!

Now whenever I am in one of those highly awkies positions, the advice of my dear biology teacher, Mrs Tager always comes to my mind. She told us to always remember that by the time a doctor graduates medical school they have usually seen so many vaginas, penises and bottoms that, to them, it is the same as looking at a throat or an ear. 

Try to remember that medical professionals don’t give a monkey’s butt about your embarrassment. They see four hundred whatsits a day. All they are trying to do is photocopy or