Smart Girls Screw Up Too: The No-Nonsense Guide to Creating The Life You Want

By Bella Zanesco

Own your screw ups, get inspired and create the life you want.

Sick of chasing the perfect relationship, career or bank balance? Tired of feeling like you’re never quite ‘enough’? You’re not alone. And it’s time to do something about it. Smart Girls Screw Up Too, is THE no-nonsense guide for a generation of women who secretly muse about what might be possible in their careers, health and relationships but don’t know where to start or are too afraid to.

When a clusterf**k of screw ups found author Bella Zanesco burnt out, depressed and with a broken soul, she knew something – perhaps everything – had to change. But what? Her first ports of call were the usual Band-Aids: Tinder, work and shopping. But soon, she realised those weren’t going to work. If she wanted to fix this thing, she was going to need to take extreme measures.

And so she began the journey that would transform her from ‘Sad Girl’ to ‘Smart Girl’; a journey that meant taking up all the things that she’d been told were good for her but she had always been too afraid, too ‘busy’, or too lazy to try. Cue everything from green juices to setting boundaries to quitting her job to culling her friends.

Delivered with no-holds-barred honesty, humour and compassion, Smart Girls Screw Up Too brings together:  the latest research into gut science, neuroscience and epigenetics; ancient tribal wisdom; interviews with global game changers; and insights from the author’s own two-year study of over 2000 women. Paired with a Personal Life Audit, you will get immediate clarity about where to start when seeking purpose, vitality and love. And, together with Bella – the wise but ass-kicking bestie you wish you’d known earlier – you’ll embark on a series of simple daily challenges that will not only get you to the root causes of why you think, feel and behave as you do, but see you making changes that stick.

No matter what your starting point, you are capable of creating the life you want NOW.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wiley
• Release date: Dec 11, 2017
• ISBN: 9780730345411

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

Why screwing up is a really good thing

So, who is a Smart Girl anyway? Quite simply, she is any woman like you who believes her life could be better and is willing to take the steps necessary to make that happen. Whether that’s in your career; your relationships; or in your mental, physical and spiritual health — or, in my case, all of the above.

When researching the title, I was asked all manner of questions about who a Smart Girl is. Things like:

Do Smart Girls need to have a PhD? (Certainly not.)

Is a Smart Girl a child? (No, you’re a woman or a teenager.)

Am I still a Smart Girl if I think my husband made a mistake marrying me (yes) or if I ended up in a career where I was completely unhappy? (Still yes.)

Okay, so we’ve got that straight. Now, what is a Smart Girl not? She’s not someone who’s never made a mistake, or won’t admit to screwing things up — because if you’re never making mistakes you’re never taking risks, and if you’re too afraid to admit your mistakes and learn from them then you’ll stay stuck, sad and on the downside, and I don’t want that for you. So, that all said, courage and honesty are the only prerequisites for being a Smart Girl.

Now, it’s worth understanding from the get-go that no two Smart Girls screw up in exactly the same way. You have your garden-variety screw-ups, which we’ve all done, like falling for the bad boy, ignoring the signs our bodies give us when burnout is imminent, or staying in a job where bullying is rampant. And then you have your overachievement awards for screwing up — things I best not mention in this book (brushes with death, debauchery and disease … whoopsie, thankfully you’re still here to tell the tale).

But here’s the good news: whatever it is, there’s a way to fix it. You just need the right glue, the Golden Glue.

Oh. And to start using it.

Because dating the wrong people, burning out and being around what I like to call bully cockroaches is not really the issue here. The real issue is the soul sickness that so often results from choices that no longer serve us and, arguably, causes them in the first place. So, when a Smart Girl screws up she learns from her mistakes and uses them as her teacher — a map to a new reality. One she loves.

So, if you are less-than-amazed by life as you read this, know that you’re not alone. Buried beneath the worldwide chorus of ‘I’m fine’ lies a global epidemic: depression is now the most widespread illness on earth, three years ahead of the World Health Organization’s 2020 prediction. In Australia, according to beyondblue, in any one year around one million adults have depression and over two million have anxiety. To give you some context, that’s one in five Australian adults. And only 35 per cent of people will seek direct help.

This is despite the fact that on paper we’ve never had it so good. And unfortunately, when we put our head in the sand, keep saying we’re fine when we’re really not and ignore the early warning signs, the downside is where at least one-quarter of us end up — me included.

And staging a Smart Girl comeback from these places isn’t all unicorns and rainbows — far from it. Because, according to the World Health Organization, for near on one million people per year across the globe (that we know of) who don’t make it back to the upside, suicide is their only way out. For many others, a cycle of medication dependency ensues.

To give you a perspective of how serious the epidemic of soul sickness is, in 2014 a study by the Federal Department of Health and Human Sciences estimated that 72 million people in the United States are addicted to illegal and mind-altering psychiatric drugs; and according to a study by Ricardo Gusmão, Sónia Quintão and others, published in the journal PLOS ONE, antidepressant prescriptions have gone up almost 500 per cent in the UK in the past 25 years.

Clearly something is up … but what?

To truly understand the challenges for Smart Girls specifically, I conducted my very own citizen research project, looking at 69 attributes of holistic wellbeing to uncover the root causes of our discontent. Over 2000 Smart Girls between 26 and 45 years of age from 80 countries took part. The findings — alongside my own and clients’ experiences, experts’ opinions and the latest science — have inspired the structure, content and recommendations in this book.

So, while some of my observations and recommendations might seem silly or nonsensical, they are grounded in my experiences and supported by some of the world’s best thinkers — you’ll hear from them as you go through these pages. Some of the recommendations can be explained away by science. Some of them can’t — at least not yet. But at the end of the day, they are the things that worked for me and, more latterly, people who work with me, and so they are what I can bring to the table for you.

So, what’s going on for us Smart Girls?

Three-quarters of us, with all the trappings of our modern lives and careers, regularly feel uninspired and half of us feel bad more often than we feel good. These are the top two symptoms that cause us to make choices that see us pitch a tent or, for some, take a permanent posse on the downside.

Three-quarters of us with all the trappings of our modern lives and careers, regularly feel uninspired and half of us feel bad more often than we feel good.

But why do we feel this way?

According to the National Australia Bank’s quarterly Wellbeing Index in March 2017, women aged between 19 and 29 currently experience the lowest levels of wellbeing in Australia, closely followed by women aged between 30 and 49. The former group of women has lower overall wellbeing than unemployed people and 50 per cent suffer from anxiety. Anxiety involves worry about things that haven’t happened yet.

In my research, women typically mention their top anxiety triggers to be housing affordability; credit card debt; dissatisfaction with their boss or lack of fulfilment in their work; or the biggie: the missing love partner they don’t have time to find because they’re working to stay afloat, and the constant worry about whether they will become mothers. All of these factors have an impact on our fundamental biological needs as women to feel safe and secure. And when we don’t have these things — and society, peer groups and family infer that we should — there’s no wonder we’re in the midst of a wellbeing crisis.

So, despite being totally different people with totally different DNA, raised by totally different parents, one thing is the same: one way or another, we’re silently stuck and above all we yearn to create a life we love.

In my research, Smart Girls typically mention their top anxiety triggers to be housing affordability; credit card debt; dissatisfaction with their boss or lack of fulfilment in their work; or the biggie: the missing love partner they don’t have time to find because they’re working to stay afloat, and the constant worry about whether they will become mothers.

Looking at it like that, one who knows there are some cracks in the vase but has a desire to glue it back together differently has already taken the first step. And that is a really good thing, even though it may not feel like it now. It gives you the opportunity to change some things up and make life really work for you and those who matter to you.

Because, facing that ‘it’s over’ moment is the one time when our disillusionment, overwhelm or not knowing what to do next forces us to sit still for a while and answer some big questions we’ve been putting off too long for another day.

Questions like:

How did I end up like this?

How do I make a change?

What comes next?

Who the f*ck am I?

And as the Zen masters say, ‘Knowing the question is the first step to knowing the answer’.

Now, many of you reading this probably feel stuck much like I felt several years ago when those two little words — ‘it’s over’ — rendered me businessless, dogless, relationshipless and homeless in a single moment. (Is ‘dogless’ even a word? It is now.) And that’s okay. My role in writing this book is to help you find your way to you again.

It’s time to fess up …

You know the drill: the first step to fixing a problem is seeing there’s a problem in the first place. This is where we get started and you get to write down a list of all the stuff you wish was different — all the things you want to change.

TO INSPIRE YOU TO GET STARTED, HERE’S MY LIST OF SCREW-UPS:

working 60-hour weeks, seven days a week for two years

drinking almost a bottle of wine five nights a week

regularly shouting at my partner the morning after said wine episodes fuelled by my incessant anxiety

exercise — what exercise? (If I watch the dog walk to the kitchen does that count?)

spending time with people who kept me stuck and sad

endless worry about how expensive property is.

I feel safe telling you all that because I know I am anything but alone. However, unlike some other self-help books, this book is not a guided tour through my screw-ups. I may make reference to them occasionally when it serves to illustrate a point, but mainly it’s the series of steps I followed to get out of the downside — and a map to help you get the hell out too.

We’re also not going to focus on your screw-ups beyond what you’ve already written about what you want to change. Nor are we going to go on and on about why your relationship sucks or why you’re still single. Focusing on that stuff once we’ve fessed up to it will only serve to make it stronger and all we need to know is what’s not working anymore and that we’re moving on to the upside.

Golden Glue it!

These pages are about concrete steps you can take to make your life the way you want it to be. Together we’ll run through everything from how to believe in yourself to uncover your vision and how to get inspired, to how to get control over your hormones and how to get strong in your body and mind, to what to do when your career doesn’t feel right anymore. We’ll look at your life and examine it piece by piece and I’ll help you ask the right questions. Then I’ll hand you the Golden Glue and help you use it to create your life so it’s better than it’s ever been. Seriously, even if it’s just a chip you’re dealing with, not an all-out smashed vase, this book will help you.

So, I ask you to please put down your armour (and excuses) as you flick through to chapter 1 and work through this book with an open heart and an open mind, perhaps even with the help of a therapist if you’re really stuck on the downside. I’ve learned it helps immensely to have someone to talk to.

PS: Now, you may not like me every step of the way. That’s okay. I’m not here to make you like me — I’m here to get you to the upside.

So what the f*ck is ‘the upside’ anyway?

Read on, Smart Girl. Let’s get started.

How to get the best out of this book

There are two ways you can approach this book; please choose the one that feels like it will serve you and where you are in your life right now in the best way.

Approach 1: cover to cover

I recommend this approach for those of you who have had a major ‘it’s over’ moment and are questioning everything. You regularly ask yourself ‘Who am I?’ and ‘What do I want?’ Part I will lay the foundations for the rest of the book. It will get to the root of any problems and help you understand yourself and your choices better. Part II is about your inside world and as such is called ‘The Inside Job’. It’s structured to help you become mentally, physically and spiritually healthy. Part III, ‘The Outside Job’, is structured to help you become the person in the outside world you most want to be.

Approach 2: choose your own adventure

This is for those of you who have a few cracks or chips but are transitioning in one or two areas of your life. For example, your work is great but your love life needs TLC. Or your love life is rocking but your health is screwed. In these cases, just head to the chapters you feel will serve you best — you can always read through the book cover to cover at a later date.

And if you don’t know what to focus on, I recommend heading over to http://lifeaudit.fullyexpressed.me and taking our five-minute Smart Girl Life Audit Q&A before you begin. We will send you a personalised report (check your spam, junk or other folders) and do the brainstorming of what needs the most work for you.

Things to remember as we begin

It won’t always be easy. There may be tears

(but tears come and go; the changes you’re making will stay).

You will have to do things differently if you want a different reality

(but you and everyone else that matters will love the new you).

You will have to ditch old habits

(replacing them with those that help you feel amazing).

You will have to ditch people who no longer rock your world

(making space for the ones who do).

And you will have to get out of your head

(to give your Braveheart the talking stick).

Part I:

The foundations

Clarity

Who am I and what do I want?

The first part of the book sets the foundations for everything else. As such, I’ve found with people I’ve supported along the way that it’s a tad confronting. Why? Because we’re working on making changes at the very core of what has made you who you are and challenging what no longer serves you, and sometimes this can feel like part of you is dying because, frankly, it is — and hallelujah to that!

This is where we uncover your autopilot settings and show you how to shift them. We’ll help you make better decisions by uncovering your touchstones. We’ll examine all the beliefs you’ve been operating from, why they’re there and how they can be upgraded. We’ll find out what your vision is and show you how to build it in a way that can weather a few storms. Essentially, these chapters are where you get to uncover the authentic you. The tools we will use will help you confidently answer these questions:

Who do I want to be?

What do I (really) want?

Once your foundations are firm, you will:

feel emotionally and physically healthier

make decisions and spend more time doing things that light you up

believe that the future can be better than the present and have the tools to make that happen

have an emerging view of your holistic life’s vision/purpose.

Bottom line

When your foundations are solid you make better decisions more in line with what you really want and who you really are. Part I will teach you how to do that.

Chapter 1

Feelings and emotions

Welcome to the upside: please leave your umbrella at the door

In order to understand what ‘the upside’ is, it’s necessary to get a grip on its sister town, ‘the downside’. You know, that grey, uninspired place with no summer (no, not the UK). A land of fake smiles and inward screw-yous, a place where nothing feels possible anymore and getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle.

Many of you will know what I’m talking about. I certainly do — hell, I’ve spent so much time on the downside they made me an honorary citizen. And look, it wasn’t all bad (nothing is all bad); the experience left me with some valuable life skills. Things like how to fake being fine at work, how to shop like a demon, and how to drown my pain in work and boys and wine. I had it down pat; I was a legend at it.

A thoroughly depressed legend.

And I would have carried on exactly as I was if I hadn’t felt so bad and so sad that something just had to give. There was no other choice. Really, if it’d been even 10 per cent more tolerable I’d still be there on the downside. I would never have made changes, and I would never have written this book. I would never have started my own journey to the upside — the other place. The one where you feel inspired and happy to be alive and want to contribute to the world because you don’t hate it or yourself.

So, while I’m not currently camped out on the downside, rest assured that I do know what you’re feeling. Or at least that you’re not feeling great. Which makes you pretty normal — according to my research, half of Smart Girls feel bad more often than they feel good these days and a similar proportion don’t know what to do to fix it.

Argh.

So that’s what I want to help you with first: how to feel better more often. Why? Because our emotions change our behaviour, our behaviour changes our habits and our habits become our reality. So, changing how you feel is the first step on your journey towards the upside.

Our emotions change our behaviour, our behaviour changes our habits and our habits become our reality.

Of course, there is an alternative. You could just do what I did: camp out on the downside and refuse to leave simply because you’re not sure an upside even exists. But I’m here to tell you that it does. I live there now (not always, but most of the time). And it’s very under-populated. But I must warn you before we start: you can’t buy your way out, lie your way out, fake your way out or sweet talk your way out of the downside. You will have to earn your way out. But don’t worry, I’m going to show you how.

Ground zero: where it all began

My story starts with me holding a pillow over my head at my friend’s place. I was lying in my bed, my skin was cracked with tears and ‘she’ (let’s just call her ‘she’) had a rather vocal guest in her room. I could hear them having sex through the walls. Which wouldn’t have been that big a deal if (let’s call him) Ash, my ex-partner, hadn’t just uttered those two little words (‘it’s over’). I’d come here to heal. But that’s what you get when you crash at the home of the first person to offer you a room.

It was one of those moments when I was pretty sure I was going to die of not just heartbreak — that’s an actual thing: google it — but soulbreak too. Because life had officially broken me. Gone was the girl who chased adventure in her 20s, had a bright smile and had the world at her feet. And there I lay in her shell. Pillow over my head. Thinking about a group of women I’d seen at the beach that day and wishing I was one of them.

Because as I’d been sitting there, reading yet another self-help book, they’d run down to the water. They must have been coming from yoga because they were carrying brightly coloured mats. And as I watched them and heard them laugh, my ribs ached. Because yes, their bodies were strong and beautiful, but there was something else about them: a buoyancy.

And I wanted that. I wanted everything about it.

So, I’d put down the aptly named book, Why Women Talk and Men Walk, picked up my journal and did what I do best: asked myself the big question: ‘What might my life look like if I felt like those women did more often?’

Then I wrote a list (overleaf). Actually, I wrote three: one about my problems, one about my feelings and one about how I wanted to feel. I wanted to write four, but I drew a blank when it came to the actions to take (except for yoga — because it was clear from those girls that yoga was doing something right).

My problems

I don’t love what I do and I don’t want to get out of bed to do it.

More savings, stuff and travel aren’t making me any happier.

I am sick to death of not being able to do sports because my back is weak.

Depression sucks. I have zero motivation for anything.

I am 36 years old. I am very single. And will I ever have a baby?

I am afraid of everything, even swimming in the ocean.

I don’t have fun anymore.

How I feel

disconnected

conflicted

confused

depressed

lacking meaning

dis-eased

serious

money-focused

weak

disillusioned

angry

anxious

sad

de-motivated

afraid

lonely

left out

How I want

Reviews for Smart Girls Screw Up Too

[wyvernfriend · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Listened as eAudio from BorrowBox. Interesting listen for ideas on changing my life in places I want to. Worth a read if you're looking for change. Some of the advice on medical issues may need a certain amount of research and checking with qualified professionals. There is a certain amount of "trust me, I've done the research..." and it sounds like the bibliography in the book might be worth a peruse. Unfortunately the original website associated with the book/author has been superseded by a site that is no longer working.Still with all the scepticism I listened to it twice.