Drama Cruise: A Nicky and Noah Mystery: Nicky and Noah Mysteries, #3

By Joe Cosentino

Theatre professors and couple, Nicky Abbondanza and Noah Oliver, are going overboard as usual, but this time on an Alaskan cruise, where dead college theatre professors are popping up everywhere from the swimming pool to the captain's table. Further complicating matters are Nicky's and Noah's parents as surprise cruise passengers, and Nicky's assignment to direct a murder mystery dinner theatre show onboard ship. Nicky and Noah will need to use their drama skills to figure out who is bringing the curtain down on vacationing theatre professors before it is lights out for the handsome couple. You will be applauding and shouting Bravo for Joe Cosentino's fast-paced, side-splittingly funny, edge-of-your-seat entertaining third novel in this delightful series. Curtain up and ship ahoy!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joe Cosentino
• Release date: Feb 27, 2018
• ISBN: 9781370379378

Joe Cosentino

JOE COSENTINO was voted Favorite MM Mystery, Humorous, and Contemporary Author of the Year by the readers of Divine Magazine for Drama Queen, the first Nicky and Noah mystery novel. He is also the author of the remaining Nicky and Noah mysteries: Drama Muscle, Drama Cruise, Drama Luau, Drama Detective, Drama Fraternity, Drama Castle, Drama Dance, Drama Faerie, Drama Runway, Drama Christmas, Drama Pan, Drama TV, Drama Oz, Drama Prince, Drama Merry, Drama Daddy, and Drama King; the Player Piano Mysteries: The Player and The Player's Encore; the Jana Lane Mysteries: Paper Doll, Porcelain Doll, Satin Doll, China Doll, Rag Doll; the Cozzi Cove series: Cozzi Cove: Bouncing Back, Moving Forward, Stepping Out, New Beginnings, Happy Endings; the In My Heart Anthology: An Infatuation & A Shooting Star; the Tales from Fairyland Anthology: The Naked Prince and Other Tales from Fairyland and Holiday Tales from Fairyland; the Bobby and Paolo Holiday Stories Anthology: A Home for the Holidays, The Perfect Gift, The First Noel; and the Found At Last Anthology: Finding Giorgio and Finding Armando. His books have won numerous Book of the Month awards and Rainbow Award Honorable Mentions. As an actor, Joe appeared in principal roles in film, television, and theatre, opposite stars such as Bruce Willis, Rosie O'Donnell, Nathan Lane, Jason Robards, and Holland Taylor. He received his Master of Fine Arts degree from Goddard College, Master's degree from SUNY New Paltz, and is a happily married emeritus college theatre professor residing in New York State.

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Praise for the award-winning Nicky and Noah mystery series:

Joe Cosentino has a unique and fabulous gift. His writing is flawless, and his use of farce, along with his convoluted plot-lines, will have you guessing until the very last page, which makes his books a joy to read. His books are worth their weight in gold, and if you haven't discovered them yet you are in for a rare treat. —Divine Magazine

"a combination of Laurel and Hardy mixed with Hitchcock and Murder She Wrote…Loaded with puns and one-liners…Right to the end, you are kept guessing, and the conclusion still has a surprise in store for you." —Optimumm Book Reviews

adventure, mystery, and romance with every page….Funny, clever, and sweet….I can’t find anything not to love about this series….This read had me laughing and falling in love….Nicky and Noah are my favorite gay couple. —Urban Book Reviews

For fans of Joe Cosentino's hilarious mysteries, this is another vintage story with more cheeky asides and sub plots right left and centre….The story is fast paced, funny and sassy. The writing is very witty with lots of tongue-in-cheek humour….Highly recommended. —Boy Meets Boy Reviews

This delightfully sudsy, colorful cast of characters would rival that of any daytime soap opera, and the character exchanges are rife with sass, wit and cagey sarcasm….As the pages turn quickly, the author keeps us hanging until the startling end. —Edge Media Network

A laugh and a murder, done in the style we have all come to love….This had me from the first paragraph….Another wonderful story with characters you know and love! —Crystals Many Reviewers

These two are so entertaining….Their tactics in finding clues and the crazy funny interactions between characters keeps the pages turning. For most of the book if I wasn't laughing I was grinning. —Jo and Isa Love Books

Superb fun from start to finish, for me this series gets stronger with every book and that’s saying something because the benchmark was set so very high with book 1. —Three Books Over the Rainbow

The Nicky and Noah Mysteries series are perfect for fans of the Cozy Mystery sub-genre. They mix tongue-in-cheek humor, over-the-top characters, a wee bit of political commentary, and suspense into a sweet little mystery solved by Nicky and Noah, theatre professors for whom all the world’s a stage. —Prism Book Alliance

Books by Joe Cosentino

The Nicky and Noah Comedy Mystery Series:

Drama Queen

Drama Muscle

Drama Cruise

Drama Luau

Drama Detective

Drama Fraternity (coming soon)

Drama Castle (coming soon)

Drama Dance (coming soon)

The Cozzi Cove series (NineStar Press):

Cozzi Cove: Bouncing Back

Cozzi Cove: Moving Forward

Cozzi Cove: Stepping Out

Cozzi Cove: New Beginnings

The Dreamspinner Press novellas:

In My Heart: An Infatuation & A Shooting Star

The Naked Prince and Other Tales from Fairyland

Bobby and Paolo Holiday Stories: A Home for the Holidays and The Perfect Gift

The Jana Lane Mysteries:

Paper Doll

Porcelain Doll (The Wild Rose Press)

Satin Doll (The Wild Rose Press)

China Doll (The Wild Rose Press)

Rag Doll (The Wild Rose Press)

Drama Cruise

A Nicky and Noah Mystery

Joe Cosentino

Copyright © 2016 Joe Cosentino

All Rights Reserved

Second Edition, 2018

Printed in the United State of America

This is a work of fiction. All characters, places and events are from the author’s very vivid imagination and should not be confused with fact. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, events or places is purely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form, whether by printing, photocopying, scanning or otherwise without the written permission of the author.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

The content of this book is not meant to diagnose, treat, or prevent any illness or condition. This novel is for mature readers.

Cover art by Jesús Da Silva

Cover and interior design by Fred Wolinsky

 Table of Contents

Cast of Characters

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Epilogue

About the Author

To Fred for everything,

to everyone who enjoys cruising,

and to the readers who fell in love with Nicky and Noah

and begged for another mystery.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

THEATRE PROFESSORS AT TREEMEADOW COLLEGE:

Nicky Abbondanza, Professor of Play Directing

Noah Oliver, Professor of Acting

Martin Anderson, Professor of Theatre Management/Theatre Department Head

THEATRE PROFESSORS ON CRUISE SHIP:

Cheyenne Sunbeam, Professor of Theatrical Movement

Jeff Harrington, Professor of Voice and Diction

Sean Stubbs, Professor of Acting

Bryan Edgecomb, Professor of Classical Theatre

Maggie O’Rourke, Professor of Improvisation

Nan Joy Hossahl, Professor of Playwriting

SHIP’S CAPTAIN:

Captain James Vessel

SHIP’S DOCTOR:

Dr. Neem Jafar

SHIP’S ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTOR:

Aurora Star

SHIP’S RESTAURANT MANAGER:

Rita Chu

SHIP’S MASSEUSE:

Sy Schwartz

SHIP’S PORTER:

Pedro Santiago

SHIP’S WAITER:

Fernando

NOAH’S PARENTS:

Bonnie and Scott Oliver

NICKY’S PARENTS:

Valentina and Giacomo Abbondanza

MARTIN’S HUSBAND:

Ruben Markinson

WE’LL NEVER TELL:

The Mermaid

Dr. Adolph Stinkberger

Guru Santi

Dr. I.M. Queasy

The Ghost of Captain Dan Calloway

CHAPTER ONE

The stunning movie star’s long jet-black hair created a silky fan on the cold marble floor. Surrounding her were a crowd of guilt-ridden faces: her possessive husband and producer, her handsome young paramour and co-star, her aggressive agent and female lover, her jealous sister and stand-in, and her makeup man who knew all her secrets (and she knew his). A detective arrived on the scene, took one look at the murdered beauty, and fell in love.

Nice job, people! Let’s take ten.

That was me, Nicky Abbondanza, Professor of Directing at Treemeadow College, a white stone Edwardian-style private college in the quaint and picturesque village of Treemeadow, Vermont. And how did I become the director of a murder mystery dinner theatre show on a ten-night June cruise from San Francisco to Alaska and back? I spotted an online ad seeking theatre professors to present theatrical workshops for passengers on a cruise, culminating in a murder mystery dinner theatre presentation on the last evening. Okay, technically my colleague and fiancé Noah Oliver, Professor of Acting at Treemeadow, spotted the ad in an educational journal, but I applied for my department head and mentor, Martin Anderson (producing the show), my Noah (acting in the show), and me (directing). Martin’s husband, Ruben, came along for the ride.

Martin and Ruben are a sweet, elderly couple (don’t tell them I said that) who have been together forever and have two grown daughters. For our part, Noah and I are both tall, but the similarity ends there. I have dark hair, long sideburns, a Roman nose, and a pretty pumped body thanks to the gym on campus. Noah has exquisite curly-blond hair, sky blue eyes, a smooth build, and the most loving heart on land and sea. I am just a tad older than Noah—but what’s seven years? A lot when you are thirty-six and your lover is twenty-nine.

Oh, there’s one other little thing. Actually, it’s not so little. I have a thick nine-and-a-quarter inch penis—flaccid. Luckily, Noah is very open (pardon the pun) to my anatomical quirk.

After flying from Vermont to New York to San Francisco and waiting on endless security lines in the airports, the four of us got to the boat, where we waited on a long security line to come onboard. After unpacking in our cabin then getting a quick lunch at the bountiful buffet, Noah and I made our way through the sea of polyester, and somehow remained awake during the life boat drill. Then we dodged photographers, dollar signs shining in their eyes like paparazzi at a closeted gay movie star’s mansion and headed to our first rehearsal. As the dining room was occupied with guests eating lunch, we rehearsed in a nautical themed lounge onboard ship.

After an hour and a half of rehearsal, it was break time. While the other professors scattered like televangelists near an IRS building, Noah and I sat on a cozy loveseat next to a gas brick fireplace. Noah looked amazing in an aqua polo shirt and white pants, while I was a bit more toned down in yellow slacks and a cranberry hoodie. I took Noah’s soft, warm hand in mine, and said adoringly, I can’t believe we’re here.

Noah responded, My first cruise.

My little virgin. I kissed his cheek.

He looked out of the porthole and kissed the cleft in my chin. The sky and the water are gorgeous.

I hope we get to the deck to see them.

We won’t be rehearsing all day, Nicky.

"Don’t you need a break, handsome, young paramour character?"

Noah snuggled his shoulder into my chest. I’d rather wallow away the minutes with my intended.

We shared a warm kiss.

"You two are so adorable!" Aurora Star rushed toward us with her jewelry jangling, sounding like a reindeer at Christmas.

Hi, Aurora, Noah and I said in unison. (It’s a cute couple thing we do.)

As the Entertainment Director for the cruise line, Aurora had been the one to devise the idea of hiring college theatre professors for theatre workshops and the murder mystery dinner theatre. She squeezed in between us on the loveseat and took our hands in hers. Luckily the numerous charms dangling from her bracelets didn’t slit our wrists. She said, in a voice sounding like a train halting before a damsel in distress, I can’t believe you are finally here. After all of my planning, this is really happening! Somebody pinch me!

I pinched the sleeve of her lime designer suit and Aurora giggled like a family values politician in the locker room at the Gay Games. In her late twenties, and standing six-feet-tall and ninety pounds, Aurora had dyed red hair, no chin, a large nose, and gray eyes. She resembled a redbone coonhound.

So, you two dreamboats, is the show ready to open yet? Aurora laughed.

I replied in director mode. We have ten nights to get ready, and we’ll need every one of them.

Noah nodded, and his gorgeous curls bounced like lemon drops. My improvisational background has come in handy.

Improvisation! Aurora screamed like a winning contestant on a game show. How I miss improvisation!

Were you an actress, Aurora? I asked like a talk show host hoping for the next commercial.

Aurora’s pale face turned the color of her hair. She waved her hands at me and her jewelry clanged like the bells at Notre Dame. I majored in theatre in college!

Somehow I knew that.

And they were the best years of my life. As if by magic, Aurora dislodged a tissue from her tiny red ruby purse. "I acted in all the plays. Those were the good old days, as they say. She wiped a tear off her powdered face. But I don’t want to bore you with all that."

Relieved, I said, Our show is—

"But since you two are fellow thespians, I can tell you, I played every heroine in Shakespeare, Moliere, Shaw, Miller, and Kushner. In musicals I was Dolly, Mame, Mama Rose, Eliza Doolittle, Golda, Maureen—"

Afraid she was going to jump up on a coffee table and belt out a show tune, Noah interrupted. "Did you have a professional acting career after college, Aurora?" I squeezed his hand gratefully.

Aurora responded, My professors taught me, molded me, supported me, and gave me the confidence to give it a try. She pinched our noses. My makeup professor was gay and gorgeous—like the two of you! She shrugged her bony shoulders. But when I didn’t make it in showbiz, I was fortunate enough to get this position.

"And we are fortunate too, I said, anxious to focus the conversation back on the show. The murder mystery dinner theatre show will start off with scenes leading to the murder then move on to the interrogation of suspects by the detective. Then questions to the suspects by the audience, and ending with the audience voting on the identity of the killer."

Fantastic! Aurora responded with an affectionate elbow in our sides. How about the workshops?

I replied proudly, Cheyenne, our leading lady, is all set to do the theatrical movement workshop for the passengers tonight. The other professors are preparing their workshops, and they will be ready when their nights arrive.

Wonderful! Aurora’s long red nails brushed against the giant gold broach on her jacket. Didn’t I pick the perfect people? (Try saying that three times fast.) Isn’t Cheyenne the best victim?

Speaking of Cheyenne… Our star Cheyenne entered the lounge, and I motioned for her to sit opposite us in the wingback chair.

Pushing back her luxurious, shiny black hair, Cheyenne sat on the chair and crossed her shapely legs. She looked every bit her role as the movie star in the murder mystery show. I’m freshened up and ready to die again. She gazed around the lounge. A professional understands the importance of coming back from break on time.

Professor Cheyenne Sunbeam, in her mid-twenties with large black eyes, bronze skin, rosy lips and cheeks, was gorgeous, captivating, and quite mysterious.

Where’s Jeff? Noah asked.

That’s Professor Jeff Harrington who plays the movie star’s makeup man and confidant.

Cheyenne responded, Taking a pill.

For sea sickness? I asked, praying it isn’t contagious.

She shook her perfect head. I gave him a valium—for stage fright.

Stage fright! Aurora said with her heavy necklace banging against her thin chest. "How could anyone be afraid of being on stage? It’s like being in heaven!"

Jeff seems a bit of a drama queen to me, Cheyenne said. I’ve never seen anyone so tense. He should come to my workshop tonight.

As if revealing a secret government code, Aurora clasped her hands under her tiny chin. We were just talking about that, Cheyenne!

Oh? Cheyenne lifted a perfectly tweezed eyebrow.

Aurora slapped Cheyenne’s knee. I’ll bet the guests will love it!

Especially the straight men with a heartbeat.

Cheyenne looked down at her knee as if a snake had crawled on it. Thank you.

Oblivious, Aurora continued. The captain took some convincing, but I knew using college theatre professors was a stroke of genius. She slapped Cheyenne’s other knee, nearly causing Cheyenne to have a stroke (and not of genius). Perched on the edge of her seat like an art historian admiring the Mona Lisa, Aurora said, "Your students must adore you, Cheyenne. And you must be so supportive of their talents and encourage them to seek fame and fortune!"

Cheyenne pulled her skin-tight cherry dress over her knees. I work hard to hone each of my student’s individual gifts. Jobs are competitive in the performing arts, and I challenge my students to compete for them.

Releasing her profile to Cheyenne, Aurora said, "You won’t believe this, but I was a theatre major in college!"

We were rescued by an angel of mercy in the handsome form of Captain James Vessel. He is a tall, gray fox with broad shoulders, chiseled features, and beaming blue eyes. Striking in his navy-blue and white suit, he introduced himself to Noah and me then turned his gaze on Cheyenne. It is my pleasure to meet you, Ms. Sunbeam. He smiled, revealing teeth like white granite. Your name suits you perfectly.

Cheyenne shook his hand. Good morning, Captain.

He held on to her hand. Please, call me James.

Cheyenne nodded curtly and turned to my direction, reminding the captain there were three other people in the room. Shouldn’t we get back to rehearsal, Nicky?

The others should be back any minute, I replied, hoping that was true.

Leading Cheyenne to a sofa nearby, Captain Vessel said, In the meantime, I’d like to get acquainted with the star of the show onboard my ship.

Aurora raised her eyes to the wall sconces, and whispered in my ear, He’s on his third marriage.

I looked at my watch and paced. Noah listened patiently to Aurora chattering about her good old days in college.

Cheyenne inched away from the captain on the sofa. Tell me all about yourself, Cheyenne.

There isn’t much to tell, Cheyenne replied, searching through her purse (no doubt for mace).

"Then let’s talk about me, he said happily. I went to military school then into the Navy and finally onto the cruise ship. This is my tenth year as captain of this ship. My mentor, Captain Dan Calloway, was captain before me."

Do you like being captain?

Yes, indeed. Mistaking her politeness for interest, Vessel put his arm around the back of the sofa. I am an old-fashioned man who believes in hard work, following the rules onboard ship, and having a solid relationship with God. His blue eyes twinkled. I am also a romantic who supports traditional marriage.

Three times!

What do you mean by traditional marriage? Cheyenne asked with narrowed eyes.

One man and many women as his property?

Vessel replied, I’m a religious man. I believe marriage should be between one man and one woman.

And the woman the man is currently flirting with.

"But enough about me. Tell me all about Cheyenne. The captain leaned forward like a librarian reading to preschoolers. I have always been interested in the Native American culture."

Cheyenne looked at her watch. I grew up in an apartment complex in East Hollywood, majored in theatre in college, worked as an actor for a few years then became a college theatre professor in San Diego.

Vessel corrected her. "Don’t you mean you were an actress?"

Cheyenne unleashed a Cheshire cat smile. I always say what I mean, Captain.

"I see. You’re a liberated woman who uses the word actor for both men and ladies?"

No, she replied. I was an actor before I underwent sexual reassignment surgery. She batted her long eyelashes. "Now I’m an actress."

Vessel rose from the sofa as if it was covered with tarantulas. "I…I better check in with other men—I mean other women—I mean other passengers. Excuse me. As he left the room, he shouted over his shoulder, Aurora!"

Aurora ran after him, shouting to us, I’ll get you all dessert and tea.

Nothing with nuts in it for me, Noah called back loudly.

Just as Aurora’s last jingle bell had dissipated, as if on cue, Santa Claus staggered into the lounge. I realized it was Sean Stubbs, who had obviously hit the onboard bar during the break. In his mid-thirties, with a thick frame and thicker Scottish