WARNING! Fairy Tales 3

By Robert Thier

DISCLAIMER: Beastly Beasties Inc. and the Royal Society of Enchanted Princes are not responsible for any acquaintances, personnel and/or random bystanders accidentally transformed into furniture. Furniture polish and feather dusters must be purchased separately.

The third volume of Robert Thier’s WARNING! Fairy Tales series.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Robert Thier
• Release date: Mar 20, 2018
• ISBN: 9783962601652

Robert Thier

Robert Thier is a German Historian and writer of Historical Fiction. His particular mix of history, romance and adventure, always with a good deal of humor thrown in, has gained him a diverse readership ranging from teenagers to retired grandmothers. For the way he manages to make history come alive, as if he himself had lived as a medieval knight, his fans all over the world have given him the nickname “Sir Rob”.For him, Robert says, becoming a writer has followed naturally from his interest in history. “In Germany,” he says, “we use the same word for story and history. And I've always loved the one as much as the other. Becoming a storyteller, a writer, is what I've always wanted.”Besides writing and researching in dusty old archives, on the lookout for a mystery to put into his next story, Robert enjoys classical music and long walks in the country. The helmet you see on the picture he does not wear because he is a cycling enthusiast, but to protect his literary skull in which a bone has been missing from birth. Robert lives in the south of Germany in a small village between the three Emperor's Mountains.

Book preview

WARNING!

Fairy Tales

3

By Robert Thier

Copyright © 2018 Robert Thier

All rights reserved.

Distributed by Smashwords

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Contents

Snoring Beauty

Many Blessings

King Wallbanger

The Blue Bird

Thumpelina

The Birds and the Trolls

Beastly and the Beast

Growing Girls

Goldilocks and Pitch Black

The Fairest Selection

Afterword: Tough Tales and Pretty Blue Birds

Dedication

About the Author

Other Books by Robert Thier

Upcoming Titles

Snoring Beauty

Once upon a time, there lived a king and a queen who said every day, Oh, if only we had a child! but they never received one. Then, one day, a kind friend told them about this wonderful new invention called having sex. They tried it, and—lo and behold—a magical frog appeared in their bed.

Eeek! Jumping out of bed, the queen clambered up onto the closest wardrobe. Get that slimy thing away from me!

A little more respect, if you please, the frog said. I am a magical messenger. I’ve come to inform you that your dreams shall at last be fulfilled. You shall have a child!

And the powers that be couldn’t find a more hygienic way of conveying that message than sending a slimy amphibian?

Hey, if you want doctors and pregnancy tests, move to the real world, lady! In Fairyland, you get magical frogs. Speaking of frogs, you don’t by any chance know a princess who could kiss me and turn me into a handsome prince, do you?

In answer, the king grabbed the frog and chucked it out the window.

Oh, darling! Throwing his arms around his wife, the king lifted her down from the wardrobe. At last, the dearest wish of our hearts shall become reality. We shall have a son!

The queen smiled. Who knows, darling? It might be a girl.

Oh, poppycock! It’ll be a prince. I can feel it in my water.

What the frog had said came true, and nine months later, the queen gave birth to a little girl who was so beautiful that the king almost didn’t mind she wasn’t a boy. Overjoyed, he declared a holiday and ordered a great feast.

His wife immediately began to send out invitations. She invited not only their family, friends, and the greatest nobles, but also the most powerful fairies in the land. There were seven fairies in total, and the first six invitations were sent off by royal courier immediately. But when the queen came to the seventh fairy, the one whose power surpassed that of all the other six put together, she found she could not remember the address. Quickly, she reached for her address book.

Fairy Twinklelight, Fairy Tinkerbell…bloody hell, why did I have to file every single fairy address under ‘F’? I have to get myself a new filing system!

The queen searched and searched, but no matter how long she searched, she could not remember or find the seventh fairy’s address.

Oh well, she sighed and put the address book aside. She probably won’t mind not being invited. And even if she did, what’s the worst that could happen?

• • • • •

When the day of the celebrations came, a magnificent feast was prepared in the great hall of the royal castle. The fairies were treated especially well—six golden dishes, decorated with diamonds and rubies, were set before them and heaped full of the most heavenly delicacies you can imagine. Once the dinner had disappeared into the hungry guests’ stomachs—and the silver cutlery into their pockets—everyone was called upon to give presents to the little princess. That day, young princess received many marvelous treasures.

Finally, it was the fairies’ turn to give gifts.

My magical gift to the girl, said the first fairy, waving her wand over the child’s head, shall be the gift of intelligence.

Fairy dust twinkled in the air, betraying the presence of magic. A storm of applause rose from the assembled guests.

My magical gift to the girl, said the second fairy, taking her place and waving her wand, shall be the gift of grace.

Another loud round of applause.

My magical gift to the girl, said the third fairy, shall be perfect beauty.

Beaming, a plastic surgeon popped his head out from behind the closest column: Did someone say my name?

Impatiently, the fairy waved him away. Oh, bugger off! Babies are supposed to be ugly! She won’t be needing you for another sixteen years or so.

Sighing with disappointment, the plastic surgeon retreated back behind the column. Nobody paid attention to him. Instead, the hall once more exploded with applause for the latest magical gift. Everyone waited eagerly for what the next fairy’s present to the girl would be. To top all those wonderful magical gifts, it would have to be something truly extraordinary!

The fourth fairy stepped forward, and, with a grand air, pulled something shiny and glittering out of her pocket. My magical gift to the girl, she proclaimed, shall be this beautiful silver fork.

There was a moment of silence—then a small spatter of applause

Oh, get out of the way, you old cheapskate! Quickly, fairy number five shoved her colleague aside and pulled out her wand. Everyone sighed with relief. Now things would get back to normal.

My magical gift to you, little girl, she pronounced, shall be awesome superpowers!

Silence.

Utter, complete, unbreakable silence. In that silence, fairy dust descended onto the little girl. She glowed for a moment in an unearthly light—then giggled and smiled.

Glancing up from the cradle, fairy number five noticed everybody staring at her. Defiantly, she raised her chin and put her fists on her little hips. What? You didn’t think I’d give her something stupid and boring like virtue or obedience, did you?

Um… The queen cleared her throat. What kind of superpowers are we talking about, exactly?

That question, however, was never answered, for at that very moment, three thunderous knocks sounded from the door to the great hall. Everyone looked at each other in astonishment, for who would dare to disturb a king and queen’s feast?

The door burst open, and there stood the seventh fairy, clad all in black as if for a funeral, her wand raised menacingly. There was a red gleam in her eyes, and a dead crow sat on her shoulder.

Oh. Um…it’s you. The queen tried to paint a smile on her face. Unfortunately, she had never been very good at painting. I’m so glad you could join us after all!

You, the seventh fairy said, with a voice that made everyone’s hair stand on end, did not invite me.

Didn’t we? Oh, but of course we did, my dear! The invitation must have gotten lost in the mail.

"The Royal Mail, you mean? The one you are responsible for running?"

Um…yes. That one.

I see. Menacingly, the fairy stalked into the room. Her eyes swept over the six place settings at the fairy table, and it was clear she understood their meaning all too well. She had been slighted. This called for vengeance!

I, too, have a gift for the girl, she announced.

Um, really? Hurriedly, the queen stepped in front of the cradle. Really, that’s not necessary! We wouldn’t want to impose upon you, and—

A gust of cold wind raced through the hall, thrusting the queen aside and clearing a path for the evil fairy. Stepping towards the cradle, she raised her wand.

My magical gift for the king's daughter is that, on her sixteenth birthday, she shall prick her finger on a spindle, and shall instantly die from the wound. Mwahahaha! And, still cackling insanely, the evil fairy turned into a three-headed unicorn and galloped out of the room.

All the guests were struck dumb with shock. They had never seen a three-headed unicorn before. Plus, there was also the little matter of the deadly prophecy. The king had turned pale, and his wife was trembling like a leaf.

However, in their shock, they had all forgotten that one good wish still remained unspoken. One of the fairies—the oldest one—was far smarter than the others. She had anticipated what the evil fairy might do, and so had cleverly fallen asleep after dinner and forgotten to bestow her magical gift. Now, she was woken by the ruckus, and once she had put on her magical hearing aid and heard what all the noise was about, she stood up and bowed to the trembling royal couple.

Fear not, Your Majesties. I cannot undo what the wicked fairy has done, for she is far more powerful than I, and I think I’ve forgotten the spell anyway. But I can soften the fate that the princess shall have to face.

So speaking, she raised her wand. It shall not be death that you have to endure, little girl, but a deep sleep of…hmmm, let’s say a hundred years.

B-but…we’ll all be dead by then! exclaimed the queen.

The fairy shrugged. That can’t be helped.

Number five gave her a kick on the shins. Of course it can! Sleep spell, remember?

You do it. I’m far too old for this kind of stuff anyway.

Oh king and queen, the fifth fairy said, when your daughter falls into her magical sleep, you shall all sleep with her, and you shall all snore horribly. When the hundred years are up, a chosen one shall come to awaken the princess, and he shall be her husband.

Her husband? The king’s eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. Now wait just a minute…!

Sorry, I can’t. We’re meeting the Snow Queen for afternoon tea. Cheerio! See you in a hundred years!

And the six fairies disappeared in a puff of fairy dust.

• • • • •

The king was not at all pleased at the prospect of a son-in-law for his three-day-old daughter. He set out to thwart the evil spell and save his dear child from the doom that threatened her.

Have all the spindles in the kingdom collected and destroyed, he ordered his chancellor. I want the wicked things burning by sundown!

The chancellor cleared his throat. But, Your Majesty—spindles are an integral part of production for almost any cloth available on the market. Without them, there would be no wool, flax, or cotton, which means there would be no clothes.

So what? Let people walk around naked! I hear it’s the latest fashion down south, since that Emperor Whatshisname started the trend.

As you wish, Your Majesty.

Anyone found harboring a spindle after sundown today shall be hanged. Do you hear me? Hanged!

The chancellor was about to point out that the hemp for the hangman’s ropes was also made with a spindle—but then he caught the look on the king’s face and hurriedly bowed, turning away and scurrying out of the room.

For the next fifteen years, everyone but the members of the kingdom’s textile industry lived happily and contentedly, although it did get a bit drafty in winter. All the good fairies’ wishes came true. The princess grew into a beautiful, lively, intelligent girl with frightening superpowers, who, while growing up, behaved with such care and good sense that the royal castle was only destroyed three times in total.

Don’t worry, said her loving father, after she had once more reduced the place to rubble. We needed to redecorate anyway.

Can we paint the castle pink this time? the princess asked, gazing at him with big puppy-dog eyes. Please?

Pink? Oh, well…I don’t know…

Please? Please, please, please, please, please, pleaaase?

All right. The king sighed. I’ll talk to your mother.

As the princess grew up, she learned how to use her extraordinary powers. Mostly, she used them to beat up people who deserved it, and there were a lot of those. In her spare time, she took jobs as an assassin to hunt down the realm’s enemies and supplement her pocket money. The enchanted kingdom soon became the realm with the lowest crime rate ever achieved before a happily-ever-after. Trolls, vampires, and giants knew to stay far, far away from this realm, for it was protected. Even wicked witches were too scared of the princess to set a foot inside her country’s borders.

Thus, the years passed and the princess’s sixteenth birthday approached. The king and queen took